Sunday, October 31, 2010

Warning: Mad Ninja Skillz

You'd think being able to follow behind these two while trick-or-treating would be easy.

EXCEPT...I didn't know I needed special "skillz" to track a ninja... much less two.

Plus... they had zombies protecting them...
Before I knew what happened... they had this...

Thankfully... they won't be sharing it with this little bug. (my niece)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Thirty: Positivity

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .

Dear Dawn,

I know it has been a rough couple of weeks months years, but you are strong. Probably stronger than you have ever been. You have grown from your struggles and even though you are not quite healed from all of them, you are making progress.

You look great! ... and you are finally getting used to having self-confidence to go along with that body you have been working for all these years.

You are an awesome mom. This is reflective every time someone compliments your children for their behavior and their ability to make smart decisions. This is the most important job anyone could ever have and you are excelling at it.

You are a great teacher. Even though this year has been full of hard times, you do make a difference in your students' lives. You know you do. Don't ever cut yourself short. Remind yourself of the compliment that was paid to you the other day... "Kids....'Those' kids, aren't the same when they leave your room. Don't give up. Do what you do. They come out on the other side better for it."

You made it! You wrote 30 days worth of truths. Some were easy... Most were painfully hard. But, you grew. You suffered some, but you grew. Growing is hard. Leaving the painful past behind is hard. Moving forward is hard. But you are doing it. Slowly. So very slowly, you are doing it.

Always remember... Too much sunshine makes a desert.... and you don't want too much rain ...

Keep thinking positively.
You can do it!
You will make it.


Friday, October 29, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Nine: Change

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to change my inability to make a decision.
I think this has caused many of my struggles in my recent life and relationships.

I know what I want... I just don't know how to get there.

I also plan to get back to my happy-go-lucky self.
I miss that me.
She let all worries roll off her back... especially when they were too great to bear.

Funny... that I could mentally survive through watching (as a young child) my dad beat my mom, being told my mom was killed in a car wreck, and be told by my husband that he didn't love me anymore... and yet I can't get a simple thing like dating the right guy right.

Good decisions. Right decisions.
ugh... I hate decisions.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Thursday, October 28, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Eight: Decision

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
This is an easy one for me.
I love babies.
Mine, yours, ours.
If I got pregnant today, I would excitedly wait for the day that it joined my family.
It might be unconventional.
It might be unintended.
But it wasn't the baby's misguided doings... they would have been mine... and I would take the responsibility that every adult has that has concieved a child and do what is best for it.
For me, however, the best thing would be to raise it and love it unconditionally.
No questions asked.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Seven: The Wind

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

No question. My kids.
I am sick.
Physically I am worn down. I ache. I'm feverish and chilled.
Mentally I am worn down. I'm sad. I can't see the sun for the clouds.
BUT my boys are like the wind.
They push away the clouds.
They help to make the sun push through...they remind me of the smiles in my life.
I know I have done a great job of raising them because as I sit here chilled and feeling bad, and they are cuddled around me telling me they hope I feel better.
Blow wind, blow.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-six: giving up

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Unfortunately, yes.
Thankfully, it was many years ago... back before I had kids.
I would never do it now because of my children.
I couldn't imagine making them go throughout their lives without their mom.
I've suffered through that... I would never want that for my children.

Back when I felt like giving up, it was more out of desperation than anything.
Needing to feel like I meant enough to someone that if I wasn't around, I would be missed.
I needed that affirmation.
I remember telling R. "Well, I guess I don't matter. I might as well just kill myself."
Shocked he said, "You don't mean that!"
All I could say was, "Yes, I do." and went on to describe to him how I would do it.

I'm happy to say I never attempted anything.
I'm also happy to say that I do know know that I matter to at least two someones and I always will.

More than enough reason to keep on living!

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Monday, October 25, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-five: Reason

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

This one makes me laugh.
I was not a risk taker until after my divorce.
If it was risky, death-defying, or scary... I was out.
If it could mess you up mentally, physically, or spiritually... I was out.

I limited myself in what I said or did because or the fear of what might happen.

That person is gone.

I now what to live my life to the fullest.
I don't want to be stupid or wreckless, just be able to give an answer as to why I'm still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

I feel like I have been on the psycho path lately.
I have been depressed and not being able to sleep.
I can't seem to get "right" with the world.

My ex, R., called me today to tell me that he was planning on introducing the boys to the new gal he has been dating.
Yes, it has only been 5 weeks since him and W. broke up.
Yes, him and this new gal have only been dating 3 weeks.
I think it is too soon.

I started out calmly telling him this, but the more we talked the less calm I got.
yeah...I went down the psycho path.

Twenty minutes later, I was fine again.
I realized my overreaction was... just that, an overreaction.
I texted and apologized.
But my emotions are sitting on the surface...
... and I can't seem to get past being so edgy.
... and I know my emotions don't have anything to do with the ex even though he got the brunt of them today.
... and I really don't enjoy traveling down the psycho path.

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Four: Songs

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

You Make Me Smile ~ Uncle Kracker
Upside Down ~Jack Johnson
Hey There Delilah ~Plain White T's
Say Hey ~Michael Franti & Spearhead
We are the Dinosaurs ~Laurie Berkner

Dear Colby & Sam,

I love you both with my whole whole heart.

I picked the first song 'You Make Me Smile' because when ever I see your beautiful faces and hear your silly stories, I can't help but smile.

I picked 'Upside Down' because you two keep me on my toes and allow me to see the world in a different light and I love you for that!

I picked 'Hey There Delilah' because, Sam, it was the first full length song you sang to me in the car and it makes me smile anytime I hear it now.

I picked 'Say Hey' because it has a great beat and because I know one thing... that I love you!

I picked 'We are the dinosaurs' because this is our song!! The game we created would have never came about without this song... and our gametime is one of my favorite things to do with you!

Your Momma

I know it says to just post the titles... but I don't work that way... not when it comes to music. So... here are the videos of each if you are interested.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Fall !!!

Fall is finally here!
I love the crisp clean air.
I love the changing leaves.
It makes me want to spend all day outside!

What makes you
Intentional Happiness

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Three: Wishes

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I would have valued my time as a single adult (before children) and traveled the world.

I wish that we had taken that honeymoon. I wish that we would had gone into debt and traveled to Ireland like we had planned instead of being "responsible" and taken our travel money and paying our taxes in one lump sum and then stayed home.

I wish I would have climbed the highest mountains and swam in the warm deep blue sea.

I wish I would have gone and experienced and engulfed myself.

I know there is still time in my life for these things, but I just wish they had already happened.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Friday, October 22, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Two: Regrets

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I hadn't had sex with someone I didn't love.
I know now days this is not uncommon, but for me it is.

Time has past since it happened... and I don't like to admit that it did.

I still have conflicting feelings about it.

This is what I wrote after it happened:
I didn't know.
I didn't know things would be so confusing and weird.
I didn't know that I would like someone and yet feel guilty.

Guilty for crossing a line that I wouldn't normally cross .
I know that he thinks less of me for crossing it.
Despite the fact that he says he doesn't, I know he does.

I am ashamed.
Ashamed in myself.
Knowing better... yet giving in.

Giving in is not something I do.
Giving in is what gets you into trouble...
and here I am.

Troubled by what might have been.
Troubled by what I can not change.
Troubled by what I long for and desire and just can't seem to bring to fruition.
Yeah... It did open my eyes to the fact that I will never allow that to happen again.

More to come...
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

stealth like moves ...except for the LOUD talking

I still can't get over my son sleep walking.
Most nights I will be sitting on my living room, grading papers, watching tv, or blogging way past my bedtime and without notice, Colby will wander into the room.

He could probably do it without me ever noticing... except that is, that he has the LOUDEST conversations EVER!

Okay... okay. I have to be honest here.
I admit it.
I'm a loud talker.
But in real life... not in sleep walker mode.
well... I don't sleep walk.
At least, I don't think I do.
and I don't talk in my sleep.
I mean, seriously, the few times I have ever snored in my sleep, I woke myself up!

So, any who... Colby scared the livin' daylights out of me!
'Cause the house will be dead-dog quiet and then from out of his room he'll wander out and shout out a conversation making me jump out of my skin.

Or he'll scream out and then start crying uncontrollably.

I have learned though, just to tell him that he is dreaming and to go back to bed.
Then the LOUD conversation quickly becomes mumbled or the crying ceases... and he heads back to bed.

Yeah... He might want to be a ninja for Halloween, but I don't think he should play one in real life.

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-one: accident

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This actually makes me laugh... not the car accident... or the fight... but the question.

To think that a measly little fight would stop someone from running to the side of their best friend who has been in a car accident makes me question this world I live in.

Maybe I have different relationships then most people.
I don't find it strange to rush to comfort acquaintances ...much less friends.

Fights don't occur much in my life... and when they do they are normally quickly forgiven... and if they aren't quickly forgiven, chances are it is because the other person is a repeat offender ...and this isn't the first time I had to forgive them, so I am having to weigh the value of our friendship against the offense they are committing.
Yeah... dropping friends doesn't happen for me often.

That... and a car wreck hits close to home for me... that alone would make me forget the fight. My mom died because of a car wreck.
Most days, I have to suppress my fear of dying in a car.
It is worse on wet and cold days.
I know it would never be healthy (or feasible) if I allowed that fear to overcome my life, so I am just that much more cautious on those days.

So if my bestie were in a car wreck... I would rush to her side.
I would hold her hand and tell her I was there and to not to worry... that everything will be fine.
I would hug her family ...and hold and comfort her children ....because I consider them my family.
I would do all I knew to... and then some.
...because some silly fight would never change the fact that I care deeply for my friends.

“There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed” ~Napoleon Bonaparte

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty: Addictions

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
These are not my addictions.
I have never tried drugs... nor do I ever plan to.
Alcohol ...I normally intake in limited quantities.

My grandpa was an alcoholic.
I remember when I was about 5 or 6, walking into his apartment on Father's Day.
The stench of puke engulfed my nose.
I didn't know why... why he was so sick.
There were bottles everywhere.... and rinds... lime rinds.
My mom rushed us out before we could wish him a Happy Father's Day.
As a kid, these things don't make sense to you.

Now... don't let me lead you to believe that I have lived some angelic life where I have never drank and become drunk...
No. That would be a lie.

I can honestly say I have been drunk more times since my divorce than I ever was in college....or my early 20's.

I won't make excuses. Alcohol has a strange way of bringing people together.
It can also go the opposite way though... and tear people apart.
So... I guess that is why I limit my intake of it... because I don't ever want someone to have an image etched forever in their brain of me being drunk... and them not understand why.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Happy Happy 403 to me


Who would have thought 2 and a half years ago when I started spilling my thoughts out onto the internet for all the world to see that I would ever have enough to say that I would hit the 400 mark on postings??

Yeah... well, I missed that BIG day 3 postings ago!
Dang Post-it Note Tuesday gets me every time :)

I still write for me... it's my therapy.
I find myself posting something and then snickering if I tell someone the same story... because I never know if it is a "repeat" for them or not. (Some of my RL friends follow, some do not.)

It does actually embarrass me when someone brings up one of my postings... especially if it is on a topic that I don't discuss openly otherwise.

However, my filter seems to be thin when I blog.

I will blog about things that I may never plan to share with another person... but it is nice to get other people's perspective on things that have been bouncing around in this head of mine for years.

I guess I will continue on until I am out of things to say... (yeah. right. lol)

Thank you to all who continue to join me on this crazy journey!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Nineteen: Untouchable

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Ha. Religion and politics. Didn't anyone ever tell you that those are two subjects that you don't breech?
Well... Since I am not very political, I suppose that I will speak on religion.

My religious views have changed over the years.
I was raised in a Christain family.
In fact, not going to church was not an option when I was a kid.

I have always believed in God.
No questions asked.

Even through my "dark" years, when I blamed God for my motherless life... I still believed in Him.
And then... there was the time of my life that I couldn't face the inside of a church as I felt everyone inside was judging me. That's when I had to come to the realization that worshiping doesn't have to occur inside a "special" building... it just has to occur.

I am not a Bible thumper.
I don't share God with others as much as I should.
But I am a believer.

If you aren't the same religion as me... that's okay by me.
I just don't want you to change me to yours... and I promise not to change you to mine.

I feel violated when people don't think I have enough religion in my life.
When they feel like my "involvement" is not maximized.
In fact, it makes me do just the opposite.
You push me to do more... and I want to do less...

It is when you allow me to come on my own... to volunteer (what I am able to give) that makes me feel okay.

Obviously, I don't have the "perfect" realtionship when it comes to religion... thankfully I have forgiveness... and that's all that matters!

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Losing the battle

I know I have been depressed lately.
I don't sleep.
I overeat.
...or forget to eat at all.

I have attested it to not "having" someone... but really it is because of my job.
Saying that I am having a rough year would be an understatement.

I've had rough years before, but not like this.
...and I'm one of those people that my job means everything to me!
and because it isn't going right, nor is anything else.

I have a student who threw a wrench into my normal classroom management... He is oppositional defiant...and now I can't seem to get back on track... and I'm flailing.

I got my yearly evaluation done this week.
This is something I normally breeze through and don't think twice about.
This year, I was stressed about it.
I even "practiced" ahead of time...I can't tell you the last time I "practiced" a lesson before I taught it.
Teaching is just second nature to me.

It went horribly.
My principal even came and told me she wanted me to have a "do-over."
She told me that she has seen me in action before and this was not the teacher she knew.

I have never regretted my decision to become a teacher.
I have never wanted to wash my hands and walk away.
... but this year, I do.

I don't know how to move forward when I have no desire to come to school... because I'm exhausted by noon and everything takes twice the effort.
My students aren't getting the best of me.

This is a sad fact for me to admit because I love the kids.
This is a sad fact because I have been at this for ten years now, you'd think I would know how to pull through this.
But I don't.

...I just don't know where to go from here...

Criterion - Post It Note Tuesday

Only Parent Chronicles

Monday, October 18, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Eighteen: Gay Marriage

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

My thoughts on gay marriage lie close to home. My older brother is gay. I think I always knew it. When we were in HS, he "dated" a girl. I found it strange. When we were in college and he "revealed" it to me, I wasn't surprised. I was worried, but I wasn't surprised.

I was worried because even though I knew my brother was a strong willed person, I was concerned for the ridicule he might endure. I'm sure he has endured a lot, but I don't know about it first-hand. We don't have that type of relationship. He doesn't share that with me. I don't know if he thinks he is protecting me or what, but he doesn't share it.

People (normally before they know about my brother) have made statements to me like, "Don't they (gays) know they are sinning against God?" Who am I to judge who is right or wrong??They are happy... which makes me happy. It makes me sad, however, that my brother doesn't come to visit me because I live in a more conservative part of the country. He knows what it's like here... we grew up here... which is why he moved right after college.

He has been in a relationship with his boyfriend for over 10 years. I wish for him that he could marry the man he loves. They share their lives and a home... but not a certificate of marriage. ...and despite my conservative upbringing, that saddens me.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Seventeen: Guidance

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

The book is Eat Pray Love. The author spoke words that I wanted to form in my brain to describe myself, but couldn't... About how I engulf myself in the man in my much so, that I lose myself completely. She told how you have to find yourself before you can truly find love.

It's funny... because most days I don't want to find myself before I find love. I want love to find me and be part of who I am. It's who I want to be.

But is that healthy? Is it healthy for me to be someone who wants to be someone else's "someone" even before I "find" me?

I mean... how will I know if I have "found" myself? There is no finish line. No medal to be handed out. There is just me... knowing that things will be okay without the one thing that I truly desire... a significant other to laugh and grow old with.

I guess this book changed my views on the fact that I didn't realize I was so reliant on the men in my life. So reliant on how I viewed myself worth when I am without a man. ...and I know that's not good... or okay... That my worth should not lessen just because I am alone... That my loneliness is part of my struggle to "find" myself, so someone can love me for me.

...and just because the book opened my eyes to this fact doesn't mean I am over it. hook. line. and sinker. No, it just means that now I have to work that much harder not to fall into my own person trap of losing myself.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

It's a jungle out there

I was privileged enough to host my cousin's baby shower this weekend.
I also volunteered to make the cake.
Cake decorating is one of those things that I do for me... to keep my creative juices flowing.
I don't do it a lot.
I don't have time for it.

Back in high school and college, I had all the time in the world for art - drawing, painting, sculpting... you name it, I tried it.

But now... now I'm lucky to get to make my boys birthday cakes once a year... and now an occasional baby shower cake. :)

This was the first time I had ever sculpted anything out of fondant, so I watched some youtube tutorials to help me out (Yes. I am such a teacher!)

The baby's room is done in jungle animals playing sports, so I followed suit.

I was soooo happy with how it turned out!

I think Laura & Andrew were happy with it too.
(Look at her belly, isn't it cute??)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Sixteen: Without

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could live without my self-loathing.

You know... pity parties.

I get so depressed some days.... I can barely be around myself.

I know I'm blessed... I have awesomely wonderful kids, friends that will do whatever it takes, a loving family, a nice home, and a job that I love.

But there are days that I can't seem to get past the thoughts of what is missing in my life... knowing that someone is in love with me, having them be there to hug and hold me when I've had a rough day at school, to be the adult that I can bounce my ideas off of or just vent about my day.

yeah... those are the things that take me away from being my happy-go-lucky person to one who gripes and bitches. I could seriously do without that negativity brought on by myself.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Tales of an Insomniac

Yeah... I'm not sleeping.
It's 2 am, and I'm not sleeping.
This isn't the first night... and I have a feeling it won't be the last.

It started with not getting back into a routine right away when school started... I was going to bed at 11:30 instead of 10:30. (During summer, I like to hold my hours of sleeping from around 1 am- 9 am... I have always been a night owl and this schedule suits me.)

Then it moved to me just needing a little extra "me" time... to de-stress from the day... which took me to the midnight mark.

From there, I had papers to grade and laundry to do, etc., etc., etc.
And it got later and later and later.

This week I have forced myself to go to bed by 1:30 am because I have always been an "8 hour" person and 5 hours just doesn't seem to be cutting it.

I just don't know how to make my brain stop and allow exhaustion to consume me.

Friday, October 15, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Fifteen: Lost

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This is going to sound crazy and shallow... but I couldn't live without my cell phone.
It is like my ultimate pass to all whom I love and care for.
It has all of my appointments and birthdays.
and not to mention it has become my alarm clock and camera as well.

Yeah... I have lots of friends that I couldn't live without... but I have never tried doing that... nor do I want to.
But my cell... yeah, I have been without it... and I was a lost soul. :)

Where there is much light, the shadow is deep Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Fourteen: My Hero

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Mom,
I know it wasn't your choice to leave. I know that the icy road and the car accident took you from me. But I needed you. I still need you. Thirteen years later, I still need you. I know that you dreamed of the day that you would get to enjoy your grandchildren... they're here, but where are you? I tell them about you. They know you are in heaven. But how can I explain how wonderfully goofy you were? How can I let them now that my relationship with them isn't fully complete because you aren't here to complete the circle? I miss you Mom. Most days I block out the thought of you... because the thought of you not being here, still breaks my heart.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Thirteen: Meaning

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Daughtry,
Thank you for your song "Over You". It came out at a time when my ex-husband told me that he didn't love me anymore. It said the things I needed to say. It said the things I needed to hear. It allowed me to realize that I could start over and things would be alright.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Men... can't live with 'em...~Post it Note Tuesday

Only Parent Chronicles

30 Days of Truth: Day Twelve: Shadows

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

I don't like to think about this. It has taken me so many years to view myself in a positive manner.

When I was just 7 or 8 I had a boy tell me, "You will never have a boyfriend because you have no butt."

He was right. I didn't. But those hurtful words haunted me for years.

All throughout middle school and high school, I longed to have a boyfriend. There were guys I liked, and was crushed when they told me (as a friend) the girl that they thought was cute. It wasn't ever me.

At the time, I was very quiet. Reserved. I was so unsure of myself. I wasn't raised with how to flirt or act around boys if you liked them. All I knew was how to act around my brothers and all my male cousins and the neighborhood boys. So, if I liked a boy, I got flustered and even more quiet.

Some of my best friends in HS and college were guys... because I knew how to just hang. In other words, I wasn't all flirty like all the other girls ...because remember, I didn't know how.

My ex, R. treated me like one of the guys. I knew that scenario - friends. Then we weren't just friends anymore... and I liked it.

Still, even after dating and getting married, I didn't view myself as an attractive drop dead hottie. I was just me. I didn't get it when R.'s HS baseball boys would catcall me from the field. In my head, I was just a lowly butt-less girl that had been lucky enough to find a guy that liked her for her.

It truly wasn't until after my divorce and being thrown back out into the dating world did I learn that I had sex appeal ...and more so, self confidence to not be embarrassed by the fact that I am attractive woman that men want to get to know for more than just friendship.

I'm still trying to balance it all.
Sex appeal has it's price too.
But this butt-less girl is using it to her FULL advantage!

More to come...
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Release me

So... I'm convinced that yesterday's 30 days of truth was preparing me for today.

God has a funny way of doing that for us sometimes.

You see, B.P. texted me today.
(He has been going through a self-seeking spiritual journey as of late.)

He asked me if he could tell me something very important... he then went on to tell me that because of how deeply hurt he was in his marriage, how he was no good to anyone because, as of right now, he was not in a good place himself, and because of this he couldn't continue on with this "relationship" we have where he felt like he was sending me mixed messages.

...and then he released me.

He told me that he would no longer be contacting me.

Don't get me wrong... I'm upset.
I don't like to lose friends... especially when I don't understand all the reasoning behind it.
...But in the same sense, he didn't leave me to wonder why he fell off the face of the earth.

I think it was karma that it happened on the day after my post yesterday... because B.P. doesn't know my blog address... and it made me realize, I am ready to release him as well.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” ~Sara Paddison

30 Days of Truth: Day Eleven: Flattery

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

This one is easy.

My short spiky hair.
My green eyes.
My smile.

More to come...
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Ten: Release

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

This is another hard one for me.
I believe everyone comes into your life for a reason.
...Whether it is to help you get over a tough time, make you smile, or teach you are much needed lesson.
I don't like to let go of people.
It seems like a slamming door, not just closure.

But the person I should release back into this world is B.P.

I smile anytime I hear from him.
He makes me laugh.
He always knows just the right thing to say.
...but I know that he and I are just ... friends.

I had wanted more between us when first met and went on a few dates.
I don't think he knew what he wanted.
I was the first person he dated after his divorce.
I think, he (like me) is fearful of being hurt again.
So, instead, we enjoy communicating and flirting.

But I need to let go the thought of him ...
because with him out there
I always think that there might, one day, be a possibility
...but in my heart of hearts, I know that I am holding on for fear of losing again ...even if it is just his friendship.

More to come...
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

NOT a match

So my ex is back out in the dating world.
He has joined the dame online dating site as me.

He asked me the other day if I noticed that we came up as a match.

"Yes." I replied. "But just because we are a match doesn't mean we are compatible. We both know we aren't compatible!"

Now just to find a guy that is...

One "Special" Silly Bandz

If you aren't around kids much these days, then you might be missing out on the latest craze. They are called Silly Bandz. They are rubber bracelets that when off your wrist take shape of something.

My boys are gah-gah over them. We have to buy them. They trade them with their friends. There are MANY a fights over whose is whose... because they know exactly who gave them which shape! I'm telling you, it is down right C-R-A-Z-Y!

I have to say my love for them diminished after the first down and out brawl.

So, as we are heading down the road today, Colby says from the backseat, "Hey, Mom. I have a special silly band for you."

Me (not exactly enthused, but trying to be for my son) "Oh, really? What shape is it?"

As he drops it into my hand,
"A circle. I picked it out just for you!"

I had to muffle my snicker. Do I dare tell him????

30 Days of Truth: Day Nine: Gone

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

These would have to be all of my friends throughout the years that (at the time) I was really close to.
And then life happened.
Some times one of us moved... or moved onto a new chapter of our lives.
...and the friendship just became non-existent.

I don't really consider these people gone out of my life because I am a friend-for-life type of person. (thanks to Facebook some are back in my life... or at least I know what they are doing on a daily basis.)

It doesn't matter what the circumstances were that allowed us to drift apart, if you need me, I will be there. I expect the same from them as well.

Friendship has and always will be extremely important to me!

My friends are people who I laugh and I cry with... and when you share those emotions with a person, they will never be fully out of your life.

There will be many people who walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave their footprints behind.

More to come...
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Friday, October 8, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Eight: Worthless

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Ha! This one is easy.
Which one of the two men I have had in my life do you want me to focus on?

I seriously think I could write a book about both.
Warning women far and near what to watch out for. But what good will it do?
I know when I was in the midst of it, no one could have told me to look around and to open my eyes.
I know... because people did.
My instincts did.
But instead, I turned a blind eye because no one that loves me would ever do that to me.

Yeah, right.
Yes... That is called cynicism.

I used to never be cynical.
I used to live in this magical bubble fairy world where everything was grand and everything worked out for the best.
Not anymore.
Because of these two men... men that I loved more than they loved me(yes, I can admit that now), I have become cynical.
I'm now not sure true lifelong love exists.
I'm now not sure someone will stick with me for me because if a better piece of ass comes along I might as well just say my farewells.

Now... when a guy seems too interested, I pull away because I don't want to get sucked in... sucked into a relationship to where I end up caring more than he does and he decides to treat me like last week's garbage. I never want to feel like this again! I never want to have such inner turmoil that I don't know when someone is doing me wrong.

"Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together: at the door where the latter enters, the former makes its exit." ~ Alexandre Dumas

More to come...
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Truth be told...

I've been enjoying the 30 days of truth, but truth be told, it has really censored what I share about what doing and feeling in my current every day life.

My twists and turns continue.
My male interaction is just that... interaction - virtual interaction.
I'm chatting and texting and IM'ing.
And despite the fact that I LOVE to banter with a witty guy... face to face interaction is what I truly desire.
I would much rather hear his inflection and his laugh than to read LOL or LMAO.

I went a few weeks where I was "speed dating" (according to my friend, Laura).
I would "meet" a guy online, chat it up, go on a date, not be impressed, and then start the whole process ALL over again.
So, here I am. I guess, I am back at the "chat it up" stage.
Trust me. I'm really good at the "chat it up" stage.
But it's not where I want to be.

Also, I had a friend tell me today that I needed to watch my interaction with men that were not single. It caught me off guard. I have been cheated on. The last thing in the world I would ever do is be involved in a relationship where I helped someone else cheat on their partner! But it made me think... are my guy friends "thinking" of cheating when they talk to me? I mean, they are married and I am friends with their wives, and once every couple of months they call me to check up on me and then end up using me as a sounding board. I haven't ever thought of it as strange or indecent. We talk about life and work and family and kids. But is it wrong that I, a female, am being called by male friends just to talk?

Truth be told, I like it. I like that I have friends out in this world (be them male or female) that care enough about me to actually pick up the phone and call me to see how I am doing. Does that make them attracted to me where I should worry about whether or not I'm gonna ruin a marriage?

30 Days of Truth: Day Seven: Worth

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

My children, without a doubt, have made my life living for.
Anytime I question myself or my self-worth, I look at them.

They are perfect.

Perfectly rough and tumble boys.
Perfectly sweet and caring and stubborn and competitive.
Perfect for hugging and kissing and wrestling to the ground.
Perfect for imagining and pretending and being so loud I can't hear myself think.
Perfect for snuggling and cuddling and stealing covers and curling up to me so tight I can't move.

Perfect for making me to want to be a better me.

More to come...

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Six: Fear

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I will never have to bury one of my children.
I think this is every parents' worst nightmare!

I know I can't keep my sons in a protective bubble.
I know that I can't always be by their side.
I know I have to allow them to live and experience life to the fullest.

... but I also know that I love them so much that losing them would kill me as well.

More to come...

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Five: Hope

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to one day travel the world. I want to experience cultures that I can completely engulf myself in and wonder in amazement how their lives can be so different from my own, yet so parallel.

I want to photograph those experiences and share the awe and wonder with others. I want to capture the human expression and the world of natural beauty around us.

I dream about it occurring.
I sit and wonder of all the things I've missed so far ...and one day hope to not have to wonder anymore.

More to come...

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Monday, October 4, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Four: Forgiveness

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
This is a hard one.
It's hard because I am a very forgiving person.
Of the people that have truly done me wrong, I have moved on and forgiven them.
When my mom died and I couldn't rationalize it and blamed her and God, it took me hitting the bottom of the barrel to accept that it wasn't either one of their faults, and I forgave them.
When R. left me, it took a long time. I had such uncontrollable hatred for him, but I forgave him and it was good. It lifted such a weight off my shoulders.
When my eyes finally opened to how Spencer treated me and I ended things between us, it was hard and I was heartbroken for a long time, but I have forgiven him. I still sometimes wonder how things would be if they hadn't ended badly. But I know that things happen for a reason. That God has someone special just waiting out there for me.
I guess I'm not truly disappointed that I can't answer this one fully....
I think I would be more disappointed in myself if there actually was someone I needed to forgive, yet hadn't.

More to come...

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Three: Forgiving

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for continually making poor choices.
I was raised with good moral character.
I was raised to be a good example and others will follow suit.

I continue to find myself not being that shining example... again, I wish I could re-find that innocent child/teenager in me that strived to be the perfectionist and stayed on the straight and narrow.

But the reality is that I am now an adult.
I deal with adult issues... and somehow I can't seem to find that path that I know is there.
I know God will forgive me for any sins that I lie in front of him, but I would rather not have to ask for that forgiveness in the first place.

More to come...

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day Two: Love

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love that I can find the positive in most situations. Even if I can't find it right at the present time, I normally can find it eventually.

My mom's death pushed forward my marriage.

The loss of my first teaching job allowed me to work retail for 2 years which refreshed my sense of style and reminded me how much I missed and loved teaching.

The demise of my marriage showed me a renewed sense of self.

I try to show others that no matter the bad... there is some good.
I hope that I that pass on.

More to come...

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.