When it all becomes worthwhile

I struggled this summer not really taking a break...
I taught summer school, I tutored a little girl that was heading into first grade (her mom was worried she was behind in the reading), and I took master's classes.

I knew with all of this going on I really couldn't leave town for a vacation... I might have complained (just a little).

I like it when this come into focus... and this crazy summer finally has for me.

First off - Normally, I use my summer school earnings to pay for our vacation.
This year, my air conditioner decided to completely die... due to us not going anywhere, I had the cash on hand to pay for it - Sure, a new air conditioner is not as fun as a vacation, but I wouldn't trade my cool house right now for 2 weeks of fun.

Secondly, I got a text from the little girl's mom this week...
She said, "G. said today that they pulled each kid out of the room to test them on their Kindergarten and 1st grade sight words.  G. knew most of them and she was super proud of herself! When the testing was over the teacher came over and told G. that she was one of the top kids to know her sight words. Very, very thankful for your time spent with her this summer!

Thirdly, I realized that I am half way through my master's program!!!  In a year from now, I will be completely done!

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that good things are coming...

Just what the doctor ordered

Okay.  So I realize I have been in a funk...
But I laughed SO hard today!

To start off, my class (that I absolutely adore) gave some of the best answers to the questions I was asking!  They are so quick witted and I love that I can laugh and joke with them!

Then this evening, I hung out with a friend.
We laughed and joked and carried on.

I think that is what my body/mind/soul needed.
I needed to have that type of belly laugh where you can't breathe.
I needed to remember what it was like to be around people that get my crazy sense of humor and play off it.
Yes...

It truly is.

Sometimes ignoring is the appropriate response

Let me just tell you... ignoring is not what I want to be doing right now.

Walking up to W. and shaking her and saying, "My child has finally gotten over the hurt you have put in his life!  Why must you come back for more??!!"

You see... 2 and a half years ago, R and his girlfriend at the time, W. broke up because she cheated on R.
Colby had grown very attached to her. Because we, as parents, didn't tell him why they were done (that is NOT a conversation you have with your 7 year old), it was hard for him to move forward.

He cried and had nightmares. My heart broke because there was nothing I could do to heal that pain.

Time does a wonderful job of healing it though... along with R. finding a wonderful woman who sees eye to eye with me.

And I thought we were done with that hurt... but W. started coming to the boys' ball games last week and she came again tonight.  She has moved next door to one of the boy's families that is on Colby's ball team. Her reason for coming??  To supposedly support her neighbor.  But what she is really doing is dragging my son back through past hurt.

We arrived home tonight and I got the boys ready for bed as usual.  It's normal for Colby to talk in his sleep.  Many a nights I stand at his door and listen to the "conversations" he has with his friends or with Sam.  But  tonight, it fell into a time that I thought we had moved past. Night terrors.

He thankfully woke up fairly quickly and I took him into my room with me.  But I know it has to do with her.  I know that he still can't process that pain.

I just wish she could see it and understand.
I just wish she that move on and stay out of the vicinity of my children... because if she really did care for them, I would hope that she would think of them instead of "supporting the neighbors".
I wish I could shake her and tell her to "Please just stop!!"
But instead... I will just ignore her and hope my son doesn't see her.

Why I go to work every day

I come home exhausted daily because of her.
She wears me thin.
You wouldn't think one child could do that.
... but she does.
Single-handedly.

I have to repeat myself... and then address her personally.
She is on the floor... and under my desk... and on someone else's desk... and sharpening her pencil... and taking someone else's scissors... and gluing someone else's paper... and... and... and...
All within the time that it takes for me to turn my back.
I know I shouldn't turn my back.
I sometimes wish I did have eyes in the back of my head.

All of that every day.
Constant attention.

And then she draws me this...

Yep. That's why I get up every morning... and give a little one the constant attention she needs.

Family... like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one

My brother, Michael, and I truly haven't hung out together since college... that was 15 years ago umm... let's not think about it.


Of course, since then we have grown up and led our own separate lives.  We, of course, have kept in touch, but we didn't really "know" each other.

To be honest, Facebook has kept us up to date with how each other live and who we hang out with.

Sad, I know.

Three years ago, the boys and I came and spent 2 days in Texas with Michael.  We basically saw each other in passing... so even though I finally got to meet Brian (Michael's boyfriend of 8+ years - at the time), I didn't really get to re-know my brother.

So, it was meant to be when the boys and I were trying to figure out our vacation plans this summer and the funds got tight... and Michael invited us down to stay a week with him and Brian.

Now let me tell you...
My boys and I say prayers every night thanking God for the people in our lives.  Uncle Michael and Uncle Brian are always included.  Just recently I explained to the boys how Uncle Michael and Brian are in love like many men and women are in love... and that's okay... as long as we have someone in our lives that loves us, that's all we need.  (I figured I would rather get the questions out of the way at home, rather than have some embarrassing moments in front of Michael and Brian.) My boys didn't seem to need any explanation... that were just like, "Yeah, okay Mom. That makes sense."


When we arrived, again they acted normal... as kids do.
They climbed up next to Brian and had a snack.

I should have known my children wouldn't just sit quietly on the couch... no, while I am getting our stuff situated, they get nosy... and then I hear "Uncle Michael, Uncle Michael! What's in that trunk??"  "Ummmm... costumes."

Then my boys came scurrying down the hall. "Mom, is it okay that we get dressed up in Uncle Michael's costumes?  He told us we had to ask."


I started to laugh... because I have seen Michael's pictures on FB of him and Brian in his crazy costumes... I was just hoping they weren't too crazy.

I enter the room... I could see the hesitation on Michael's face.
"It's fine. We dress up at home all the time." I say.


And then the fun began.

I'm glad I didn't limit my boys' experiences because of stereotypes.

I have also learned a lot...
Since I have been here...
I have learned how much Michael and I truly are alike.
We are both night owls.
We both like to sleep in.
We both like to take naps... and can take short ones to re-energize.
We both like anything pickled.
We both get grumpy when we get hungry.
We both can spend endless amounts of time on the internet.
Yeah... getting re- acquainted with my brother has been a good thing.

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen. Ernest Hemingway

When I was young, I was often told that I was "an old soul" as I would sit around listening to the grown ups talk.
I was shy, but observant.
I would occasionally interject when something was said that didn't make sense to my young mind, but overall, I would just sit and listen and watch.

I wonder now if that is why I can hold a conversation with just about anyone... because at a young age I learned how important it was to listen.
Some of my most meaningful conversations don't seem to be with people my own age any more... they come from listening to little ones... viewing the world through eyes of wonder.  Or by listening to those older than me who have a smile on their face no matter what even when I hear them tell their life story it sounds like it was a constant struggle.

I was reminded yesterday how truly important it is to listen.
You see... I "officially" met Sonny yesterday.
Sonny is an elderly gentleman that works at our local amusement park.
He sells frozen lemonade.
I met him about 3-4 years ago.
I was having a rough day at the park that day.
I think Sonny was also having a rough day... or maybe a better word would be mundane.
I stood and watched Sonny as I waited in line. His head was dropped. He barely made eye contact with his customers because they definitely didn't give him two seconds of their time. They would order, plop their money down, take their drink and leave. Over and over again I watch this.

So, when it was my turn, I stopped and looked Sonny straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "I just want you to know that I make it a point to come to your stand every time I am here.  I don't like that fake stuff the other vendors sell."


Immediately light came to Sonny's eyes. We stood and talked several minutes. You could tell that no one truly stopped and talked to him. When I tried to pay, he waved my money away. I held out my hand to thank him. He took my hand in his and told me he should be thanking me.

This scene has been going on repeatedly since that time. Any time we go to the amusement park, I make it a point to go to Sonny's stand. I make it a point to stand and talk with him a while and listen to how things are with him.

I realized though at the end of the season last year that I didn't know this gentleman's name.  Someone that I "knew" and he "knew" me and we didn't know each other's names.

So, yesterday when I was there, I greeted Sonny warmly (like I always do) and then I explained that I felt rude for not stopping to take the time to ask him what his name was after all this time. He took my hand in his, smiled genuinely at me and said, "Sonny. Sonny is my name... and I want to thank you for always stopping by to see me." I then introduced myself and told him the pleasure was all mine.

We stood and talked for quite some time. I made sure I took the time to listen... just in case I was the only one who did.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference

My student teacher, Isaac, started on Wednesday.
To say he is a God-send, would be an understatement.
He has only been with me 3 days and already I have learned as much from him than he has learned from me.
His observations are those of an outsider.
I don't have those "fresh" eyes anymore... I have been in the depths long enough that (even thought I love my job), I am oblivious to many of the goings on.

Example: He told me (after 2 days of eating lunch in the teacher's lounge) exactly which teachers are "done".  (He also followed it up with that he is happy he was placed with a teacher who is not.)

You see... I hear the complaints, the mumbles and groans of my colleagues... but that it is normal conversation....  one that I don't even acknowledge as being anything but normal anymore. And it's hard not to fall into that trap myself.

Having a fresh outside observer though, has reminded me that I haven't always taught around people that are like this.  Most love what they are doing and that is why they are doing it.

I have also learned with Isaac being in my classroom that I have been starved for adult interaction this year. In the past, I would walk next door to my bestie's (Laura) room and discuss my night or my morning.  We shared everything.  With her moving to 2nd grade this year, I have made attempts to go see her, but it isn't convenient to travel down to another part of the building every morning when things need to be done.  I have felt outside of the group of the other third grade teachers.  So, I have kept to myself.  The thing is... with Isaac in the room, I have talked non-stop.  I'm sure he probably wonders if I talk even in my sleep. I guess you could say, I'm filling him up.  I filling him up with stories of struggles and things that make me laugh. I want him to know that all of this isn't easy, but it is worth it.

He also helped me see that it's okay when things don't always go as planned.
Don't get me wrong... I knew this already.
I am a teacher and I adjust accordingly multiple times a day.
But on Friday, I went to use our CPS clickers (Think remotes that kids can use to answer test questions) and halfway through the test half the batteries died.

I walked past Isaac and said, "Well... That was an epic fail." 
(Looking back, I'm embarrassed with my negativity... things like this happen on a daily basis.  You adjust and move on.)
He responded, "Yeah... but we learned from it. We learned that we need new batteries before we use these again.  And isn't that what it's all about?... learning?"
I smiled, "Yes. Yes, it is.  Thank you for the reminder."

Yeah... I think the next 16 weeks are going to be an unbelievable journey!!

Why I haven't posted - Friday Confessional

I confess... I have SO much left to share from our vacation and my brother's wedding... but, of course, I got back home and reality struck.

I confess... I had to get back to work on Monday after driving the whole way from Wisconsin on Sunday.

I confess... It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be... even after spending the night in a hotel with a screaming toddler next door who cried from 11pm till 4 am...

I confess... I just laughed when Colby questioned "Why haven't you done laundry yet mom?" when they got back home to me Wed. night after I had 'Meet the Teacher' Night on Monday, meetings all day Monday and Tuesday, and school started Wednesday.    .

I confess...  that my class this year is pretty much a bunch of wonderful!!!!!

I confess... I honestly can say I was dreading day #1.  But knew I was in for a treat when my colleague next door came to see if we were even in the room because it was sooo quiet. (There wasn't a single quiet day last year... there was always a hum about them... it was exhausting!!)

I confess... Today I received the nicest compliment from a colleague... They said, "Dawn, you are beautiful on the outside... but more importantly you are beautiful in the inside.  You never hesitate to help someone out when they need it."


I confess... I needed that.

I confess... My ac in my classroom was out all day.

I confess... I think it made me a little delirious.

I confess... I plan to move tomorrow to the empty room that my bestie, Laura, left when she went to 2nd grade if mine isn't fixed.

I confess... I might not tell anybody in the school just for fun... to see if they can find me. haha

Kindness... pass it on

"25.47" the cashier repeats.
The woman's face flushes.
She glances downward at the bills in her hand.
Then she turns to her elderly mother, "Mom, figure out what we can put back... just one thing and we'll be fine."
At the risk of intruding, I ask, "How much do you need?"
"Ummmm... 47 cents"
"Here, I've got it." I say, digging before the woman can respond.
"Thank you so much!!"

As the woman and her mother walk away, everyone around is surprised by the kindness and starts to vocalize how wonderful it was that I did that... I would hope that if I hadn't, someone else would have.

An elderly man works behind the lemonade stand.
One after another folks walk up, place their order, pay, get their drink and leave.
No conversation is passed between them.
The man barely looks up at them.
It's mundane... one after another.
I step up to his stand.
"It's a hot one out, huh?  I come to your cart every time I come here 'cause you have the best frozen lemonade here!  I don't like that fake stuff."
He looks up at me and smiles... you can tell this is the first real conversation he has had all day.
"Well, then, This one's on me." he says.
I reach out to shake his hand and to thank him.
He holds on.
I smile and and give his hand a little squeeze.
"Thanks. You made my day." he says.
"No, thank you... you made mine."


Remember... it's not the big things that mean the world...

Sticking these to my mirror ~Post-it Note Tuesday

I never was good with numbers

Yeah... this post was supposed to happen yesterday.

I have been paying attention to numbers for weeks now... knowing my BIG celebration of hitting 500 posts was coming.

I mean... I'm not sure I have ever done 500 of anything before.

 Okay... I take that back... I know I have texted approx. 500 texts in a single car ride before (my brothers threatened an intervention afterwards. lol)

I'm sure I have changed 500 dirty diapers or wiped 500 snotty noses. But who wants to do that 500 times? Really.

I'm sure my name has been said 500 times within a week's time... but that isn't really me...

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that 500 posts for me was HUGE!!

... and then I blanked.

... and Elton John trumped my 500th post.

Should have known I'd be outshined by a superstar

on my OWN freakin' blog!! ;)

I'm still here. (!!!)

Have you ever felt braindead?  That's how I feel currently... hense the lag in blogging.
I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say...

(Doesnt that make you want to keep reading?)

I'm back to not sleeping.
But it's strange, I'm running on near to nothing and surprisingly enough, I'm making it.
I have been taking every second and utilizing it.

I have taken the time to just enjoy...

...smiles on my boys faces. (Aren't they getting SO big?!!!)

...Watching them play!!!



... loving that my niece loves me as much as I love her!!!



...reveling in the fact that she too is growing too fast!!!

...watching her take it all in!!!

...seeing those new top teeth!!! :)

...seeing the first evidence of spring!!!

Yeah... even being braindead, I have nothing to complain about this week.
What are you thankful for?

Procrastination - Post it Note Tuesday

As I celebrate, I also mourn

I bought a new car today.
I have been saving for this car for the past 3 years.
I have looked and test drove and haggled.

Finally today, I bought...

yes... a shiny, silvery, smelling good car.

Yet as I drove this new car off the lot, my eyes weld up with tears.
For I will be leaving a dear friend behind.
My red Chevy Cavalier.
My very first and only brand new car.
It was the showroom floor car.
It only had 26 miles on it when I drove it off the lot.
I bought it as a graduation present to myself. (of course it came with 5 years of payments... but they were my payments)
It (still to this day) has birdseed lodged in it from my wedding.
It brought both of my babies safely home from the hospital.
It was the only thing I could say was definitely mine before my divorce was final.
It served me well over the past 12 years and 207,000 miles.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't shed a tear and have a tightness in my chest as I drove away...for this new car:

... doesn't have a fancy story about how it came about to be mine.

... even though it is shiny and new, doesn't give me the comfort my old car did.
...sits in the spot my Cavalier once did and that is hard to get used to.

I would have never guessed on the day I finally got my new car, this is how I would feel.

Mama said there'd be days like this

I'm glad I'm not the only one that has days like this and can still laugh.

Don't Label me

Maybe I should take someone with me when I go shopping...
I mean, I'm not really not a great shopper.

I get frustrated if I'm out looking for a certain something and all of my finds make me have major flashbacks to styles I don't care to relive.

So, when I do find something that I find cute, I want to wear it the very next day!

But normally when I do find that cute something, I'm shopping by myself and there is always that little hint of doubt that tells me that my cute find is only cute in my brain.

That is how I felt when I bought this dress.

I got it at Target... it was on the sale rack (even better) and I was tickled with my find!

The next morning, when I showed my sons, Colby just raved. (Yes, they are my fashion consultants, don't judge... 5 & 7 year old boys are brutally honest!)

Then I cut off the tags ... and that is when I saw this:

Yeah... I freakin' bought a maternity dress!!

I didn't have time to change... so I wore it (being MORE than a little self conscious!)

I got raves on it all day.

Finally at then end of the day, I asked my friend Laura (because she,too, is brutally honest) if she thought it looked like a maternity dress.

"No. It's so cute! Why?"
"Because it is!!!!!"

Laura had a good laugh and then had to go down the hall sharing my stupidity.

yeah...Maybe I should take someone with me when I go shopping...