My heart hurts

I honestly have to say my heart hurts today...

I know SamD wants nothing to do with me.  She makes that quite evident on a daily basis.

The problem is... She is mad at me for being human... For asking a simple question, "How was your summer?"

And I have ACTUALLY apologized for that... For being human!

So that makes me wonder... How does one person get to determine when friendships are lost?
I can truly say that I would NEVER allow her to exclude either one of you without sticking up for you.

I mean, maybe you have and I don't know it... But by not being invited...

Well... Like I said, my heart is hurting.

The friendship sea

As a 42 year old woman, I wold have never thought I would have to question my friendships.  I figured by this time in my life, my friendships would have a solid unwavering foundation and that I could smoothly sail on the friendship sea.

However, I have been proven wrong.  The friendship sea is rough and sometimes unyielding.

Like when the one person you *thought* was your friend and you stood by even though you saw her treat some of your other friends unfairly and excluded them from your group is now doing that to you...

You know that close knit group of friends that you did EVERYTHING with?  Yeah, that one.
Well they got together for their monthly get together tonight and you weren't invited... and of course she posted pics *knowing* you would see them.

And it makes you wonder... how are none of your other friends NOT standing up for you??

Then you remember.  YOU didn't do that for the last friend that was excluded.
That one will forever haunt you...

Loyal to a fault

Who knew being loyal could be a bad thing?

Looking back, I think being loyal to a fault is why I had such bad previous dating relationships...
Because the guy would act/do something that would not be beneficial to support our relationship, and me being so gosh darn loyal would somehow end up being the one trying to smooth things over when I wasn't the one who had done anything wrong.

This happened yesterday with one of my friends... and honestly it isn't the first time she has treated me this way. I went home and cried and cried about it.  I just couldn't see why she would treat me this way.  I spoke to a mutual friend about it - just trying to gain some clarity - was I so involved that I didn't see the true picture?

This is when my mutual friend pointed out that she has treated me this way before... and that I stood by her and made sure in the end that our friendship was back in good standing.  She never apologized for her actions.  It was me... Even though I didn't do anything wrong.

That was eye opening to me.

Here I was again... Feeling bad. Wanting to apologize, when I hadn't done anything wrong... Just wanting the waters to be smooth again.

I made a promise to myself many years back to stop allowing men to treat me in this way... Guess I need to extend that promise out to myself to include not allowing anyone to treat me this way.

And I need to remind myself that being loyal and being respected should go hand and hand... and that it is a requirement by both sides!

Casualty of war

I realize that Facebook is not a war area...
But I do know that I am VERY much a people pleaser.

I don't like it when I know people don't like me... it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
In fact, I will pretty much do anything to get that person to like me... OR avoid them at all costs.

Facebook has put a new spin on "friendships" for me.
You see... I know that people "unfriend" people for MANY different reasons... I get that.

But I have recently become "a casualty of war" when it comes to FB friends...
I have become unfriended because friends of mine are fighting with other friends of mine.
To ensure they son't have ANY contact with that other person OR because they think I will take the other person's side, they have unfriended me.

I really feel like this is middle-schoolish!
I try not to take it personally and let it roll off my back... but I really hate the fact that there are previous friends out there that haven't let me say my piece. :/

she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story

I thought I was past it.
I thought that even though I had some strife with the mean girl at the beginning of the year, I had managed to get past it.
Even though I didn't have my bestie to stand strong with me against her, I just closed my door and carried on in my own little world.
I thought I was past it.
Then I got my student teacher.... My wonderful student teacher.
I felt horrible that I was keeping him closed off.
It's not how I really am...
I want him to experience everything that should be happening in a school building.
So... I opened my door...
In turn, I opened myself up to hurt.

You see... our grade level had a meeting this morning.
All six of us.
After the meeting was over, we all got up to leave.
Isaac and I were the first to head out.

Less than 5 min later, I remember I had forgot something in the room we had met in.
I walk in.
All five of the other teachers are sitting at the table.
Their conversation stops.
I ask, "What's going on?"
"Oh... we're just planning Science."


Do I care that they are planning it without me?
No. not really.
Am I hurt that they didn't even bother to ask?
yep.
Took all of me to keep it inside and not cry... or scream... or yell.

It put me in a fog that I couldn't shake all day.
I really am trying to be a good mentor here...
Just would be nice to have others around aiding in that process.

I am am island surrounded by shark infested waters - Post It Note Tuesday

You're good enough, You're smart enough, and Dog-gone-it people like you

I'm having to build myself up.
I don't know why I have to have self-talk... but I do.
I can't just jump in, both feet, all willy-nilly into something tough.

I have to think... and plan... and practice.

I did this before I got the courage up to go tell my principal that I'm an island in my grade-level this year. (now that my bestie has changed grades)
I can work with anyone, but being allowed  to be part of the team is a completely different side of the story.
I'm not part of a team this year.
I teach in a room that is located next to other people who are teaching.

Don't get me wrong... what's going on in my room is wonderful!!
I have such a great group this year!

But those people that inhabit the rooms surrounding mine... They are the vast ocean... and I am an island.

We are going through a lot of curriculum changes this year.
I have actually started to wrap my head around it.
I have came to my group with suggestions that would make things easier... better.
I get shot down.

I go and talk to the other grade levels.
I hear, "That's a great idea!" or "Yep. That's what we're doing."


But not from my "team".
Nope.
I get "That's not what I want to do..."Or "That's not how we've always done it" (Did I mention we are making changes??)

So I brought it to the attention to my principal.
I was told "Be Brave. Stand up to them. Tell them you have every right for your voice to be heard. You just have to be brave."


So tomorrow (God help me) I plan to do just that.

For those of you that know me... you know I don't like to rock the boat.
I truly don't see it solving any of my problems.
But my principal doesn't believe in helping if you aren't willing to help yourself.
I have to show her that I am willing...

Then I have to figure out a way to convince her that I would be better elsewhere next year...because I don't think I can survive another year with the mean girl... as long as I'm an island.

When all else fails, laugh - Friday Confessional

I confess...
that even though it is VERY nice to come home and find out that my retired neighbors took pity on me and my pitiful yard ...by making sure that my hedges were trimmed, my edges were weed-eated, and my backyard was completely cut... I don't know how to repay them... and a "Thank you" doesn't seem like it would be enough. *sigh*

I confess...
that my my best friend moving to 2nd grade is going to be harder than I realized... and that I have to restrain from crying any time anyone mentions it around me. So, in turn, I make jokes to lighten the mood.

I confess...
I have been making a LOT of jokes lately.

I also confess ...
that I have a feeling I'm going to be ostracized by the other 3rd grade teachers next year since together Laura and I held strong against them, but on my own I might get steamrolled. (Yes, there is DRAMA in our grade level.)

I confess...

I was never part of "girl drama" in high school or college... so I really don't know how to go about it.  Because, honestly, I find it completely ridiculous!

I confess...
that finding out from my date that we are going with 4 other couples (all his friends) to the Elton John concert makes me a little less excited about going... that I almost backed out of the date.

I confess...
that going with 4 other couples (in my eyes) presents us as a couple as well... and I'm not there with him yet.

I confess...

that things like this make me laugh. (Even though I know it's dirty)

I confess...
that I had a video as well on my original post that contained a dirty joke.... but because of how I was raised, I felt guilty and deleted it.

I confess...
that I find it amazing how powerful "guilt" is sometimes... especially when it is enforced by no one but you.

I confess...
I will still watch that video because it makes me laugh.

Attitude is Everything!

Some people just have the worst attitude...and they try to spread that bad attitude onto everyone they come across.

We took our students to Dixie Stampede. It was another reward they earned for doing so well on our state testing. We weren't the only school there, but we were one of the first to arrive and be seated for the pre-show.

Before we left, I assigned each kid a buddy. (It is much faster to count 10 groups of 2 than counting all the way to 20.) I told them that no matter what they weren't to leave their buddy. If one out of the two needed to go to the restroom, both partners had to go!

We arrived into the room where the pre-show was being held. The second row was open and I told my students to file in and fill it up. Somehow, in all of this, a teacher (whose class was sitting in the first row) decided to squeeze into my line and took a chair in with my students. This caused an issue because than one of my buddy groups was split up into the next row. I would have solved it right then, but it wasn't brought to my attention until much later on when all the other seats around us were filled. In fact, my students didn't mention it to me until this teacher had left the seat and it remained empty for about 15 minutes (I told you we were early) and all they asked was if their buddy could come sit in the empty seat.

I looked around and asked if they saw the person that had been in the seat. My students told me, "No." So waited about another 5 minutes before I went and grabbed the buddy that was misplaced.

Five minutes later, this teacher (We'll just call her, B.) approaches me. "I don't know what kind of manners you are teaching your students at your school, but they are being very rude!"

Me: "What? ...What did they do?" Out of anybody, I do not allow my students to be rude!

B: "I get up and leave for just a minute and they take my seat! That's just plain rude!"

Me: "Oh. I'm sorry. My students thought you had left and found a seat elsewhere. I can send that student back to the seat she was at. No biggie."

As I walked over to my student, I got a death glare from B.
I know I had a confused look on my face because I had just told her I would fix the problem and instead of a smile...I was getting a glare?

After I placed my student back to the seat she was originally in, another teacher from my school asked me what all of the rearranging was all about, so I told her what had happened.

About 5 minutes later, B. approached me again.

B: "Can we talk over here a minute? "

I look around to the jam packed room... and wondered where we were going to talk that young ears would not hear. I followed B. until she got to the end of the row where "her" seat was located.

B: "I have to say you are very rude!"

Me: "Excuse me? "

B: "What you did! What you allowed your students to do! All very rude!!"

Me: "I'm sorry. I don't know what you are talking about. There was a problem. You brought it to my attention. I solved the problem. How is that being rude?"

B: "Did you not just go talk about me behind my back over where my students could hear you?"

Me: "No. I had another teacher ask me what was up with all the switch-a-roo and I told her. I don't think that was bad mouthing you."

B: YOU are JUST rude!

That was my breaking point... and before I said or did something I knew I would regret later, I said,

Me: "No...You are actually the one being rude! Speaking to me like this in front of my students."

B: "I'm not being any ruder than you."

Me: "Then I guess we will just have to agree to disagree."

And I walked off.

She sat and glared at me throughout the whole pre-show.
I sat and laughed with my students at the pre-show performer.
I had a wonderful day there... not sure I can say the same for B.

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” ~Winston Churchill

The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson

To my fellow teachers:

We may teach school...but we are not IN school, especially NOT middle school! However, some of you (I think) are not full aware of this... as you continue to act like it.

Berating your peers in the hallway causing them to be tearfully unsure of themselves and their place was not cool back when...and it is still NOT cool now!

And hearsay! Hell, are we not adults here? (Note to self: still up for discussion) If a student came to us and said, "He said, she said..." WE would send them off to talk to the person that said it...but somehow that advice is not taken amongst ourselves.

Please people...remember... what runs through the grapevine is not always verbatim...it gets tangled in the twists and turns of the branches.

Sincerely,
The one who is just trying to stay out of all of this drama.

Emotions are everywhere!!!

I am so frustrated right now! I don't know if this is because I am PMSing or if is because I really truly don't know where I stand with Spencer SOOO much of the time.

He tells me he loves me and that he cares for me, but then he pulls crap like tonight where he was being really snippy and short with me and when I called him on it, he was like, "Well...you're asking all these questions!" "Well how am I supposed to get the answers if I don't ask the questions?"

It started out with him sitting on the phone with me and not talking...he was surfing on the web. So I told him I would let him go. Why? he wanted to know... I told him I saw no point in me sitting and listening to him surf...basically dead air. "Fine. bye." he said. "No.wait! I wasn't mad, just didn't see the point" " k. bye." Ugggghhhh!!!!!!

I realize that he only got like 3 hours of sleep last night, but that DOESN'T give him the right to be short with me!

So...I will wait till morning...I will wait for an apology...here's me waiting