Friday, November 28, 2008

Bah Humbug!

I realize that it might be a little early to not be in the Christmas spirit... but I'm not. Normally, on the day after Thanksgiving, I excitedly awake to go join the crowds of the early morning shoppers. I, then, return home to rest and proceed with the annual putting up the Christmas tree.

But this year, as I carried our faux tree up from the basement, I had this wave of blahness come over me. This "I feel like I just took down this thing and put it away" feeling.

I fondly remember this time of year as a kid. My mother collected angels and I loved to help unwrapped her hundreds of angels to place throughout our home. We also would actually string popcorn and cranberries to place as garland on our tree. We never really had much money so we would make ornaments from old clothes pins dressed as angels and shepherds. I also enjoyed the element of surprise, and so, as a kid, I would wrap small presents in BIG boxes filled with rocks to fool the person who was receiving it. Such great memories!

My view of Christmas changed slightly when my mom was killed in a car wreck two days after Christmas in December 1997. It's not that I didn't still love this holiday, it just came with a twinge of pain.

The pain lessened after my boys were born. Christmas began to have that happy feeling again... and I looked forward to it. I couldn't wait to get out with those hordes of people to share in the joys of shopping for my loved ones.

This year, however, the twinge of pain has returned....just in a different form. This year the twinge is from a lonely house. There's no excitement in getting a tree ready when you are doing it yourself. I thought it would be great to surprise the boys when they got home with the tree up and decorated. This is when I got the Humbugish feeling...

So, I have put the boxes of decorations aside. I will try decorating again later when the boys are home. Hopefully... that warm, happy, holiday feeling will fill me once again.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

We are the modern day divorced family

My house is now empty. Food has been cooked, consumed, and placed away. Family has come, eaten, and left. Of that family...included my ex.

I guess you could say we are the modern day divorced couple. We are overall fairly civil to one another, we have our children's best interest at heart, and we know life will go on without the other one. But we also know that there are many holidays in our future...special days with our boys that neither one of us want to miss out on. So, hence, we spend them together... even though we are very much apart. I'm sure, in the future, when one or both of us have a significant other this might change. But for now, I am content with the fact that he and I can be in each other's presence and enjoy all that is going on around us without focusing on there not being an us.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

This is how I feel about all the blessings in my life!
Hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Damaged Goods...The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly...Okay, maybe not so much good

(**WARNING - Contains material that might make you think poorly of me***)

I truly am starting to believe I am damaged goods. I can take any guy I date and find something wrong with him - too young, too old, too clingy, etc., etc., etc. (The only two men I did not find something wrong with, have screwed me over...psycho-analyze that!!)

I went on my date this weekend. We had a perfectly fine time. However, it (the date) didn't wow me. It was a dinner, a movie, and him showing me around his town. I know this sounds petty, but I like to be impressed. So, here's what was wrong with him - we are not in the same place in our lives. Even though he is 28, he is still in college and living the college life style. He lives with brothers. His weekends consist of football games and dance clubs.

I just don't see a guy like that just sliding into a pre-made family with a mortgage... and, yes, I have to think that way! My friends tell me, "Just because you date someone doesn't mean you are going to marry them." I agree. It's true, BUT what ultimately IS the reason for dating?? To find something long-term, right?

Maybe... it's not. I am by NO means an expert on dating! Before dating (and eventually marrying) my ex, I had one other boyfriend and had gone on only a handful of dates. I was the girl that was a friend to all the guys, but none of the guys dated. Looking back now, I can't say that I blamed them. I didn't put myself out there in that sense. I was afraid of getting hurt and to prevent that from happening, I didn't open myself up to being "asked out". One of the few times, in college, I was asked out by a male friend, I flipped out when he called it a "date" because I just thought of him as a friend and nothing more. I tried to call the "date" off. I avoided him for days. But... because I didn't/couldn't tell him what I was thinking, I went out to dinner with him on our "date".

Which leads to my biggest problem dating... I don't know how to tell a guy I don't like him. I was raised to be a polite person. I am very empathetic and don't like to know that I am a person that has brought another person grief... that I might actually be (**gasp**) hated. So, I let the attraction (on his end) be. I stress over how I will let him know without becoming hated. I spread out my contact until, eventually, contact ceases.

I know this is a horrible way to end things because no one likes to be left hanging. However, this has become my defense mechanism. I used to never be the girl that would turn a guy's head. I was always the one who was left standing as a wallflower while the guy I really liked danced with another girl. It was horrible!! It made me feel ugly and unwanted.

So, now... it is like I have a new power that I haven't really gained control over yet. Ultimately, though, I don't want to be the girl left standing. So...I trail them out to ensure I am not the one left and hurt by this whole thing we call dating.

Does anyone have a stamp?? I think it might help if guys knew ahead of time that they are getting ready to date "damaged goods", then they won't be surprised when I don't call.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Today is a Proud more Tolby

I have to announce that I am a proud momma today- My son, Colby has graduated from speech!!!
To those of you that don't have children who have had speech impediments, this may not seem like a big deal, but let me tell you, it is!!

Colby mispronounced several sounds. He said "T" for "C/K". He said "Y" for "L". He said "J" for "G". So this sentence, "Colby had a yellow glove." would have been said, "Tolby had a yeyow jove."

The sound mispronunciation that was the biggest problem for me was the "T" for "C/K". People used to think it was cute when he was little, but not me. I wanted my child to be able to say his own name.

And, now, I am proud to say I do!!!!

**Side note** Another thing I am proud of today is that Sam went to the dentist and got a clean bill of health - NO cavities!!! Who child would have 9 and the other would have none??? Go figure!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Colors need to stay in the crayon box

I was raised to look at a person for who they are inside, not what they look like on the outside.

I'm sure most people would agree with this fact, yet lately I have found some people who are very dear and close to me NOT following this practice.

A teacher once told me, "We are not white, black, yellow, and red. We are all shades of brown. Some lighter, some darker." If you think about it, it's true.

You might think this post is because of our newly elected president. In some sense, it is(...but it really isn't.) Was I offended when a friend of mine referred to him as a zebra? Yes. Yes, I was.
Has B. Obama done anything personally to this person to justify schoolyard name calling?? No. No, he has not.

I digress.

My reason for this post is because I have decided to go on a date with a black man - Let me make this ultimately clear - this is not a problem for me!... but I am quickly learning which side of the fence my friends fall on.

See... because I was raised with getting to know the person, not their skin color, I know:
He grew up in Nigeria. He came to the US ten years ago to go to college. He is in the Army national guard. The things he has accomplished so far in his life are amazing to me and he is still on his journey to getting there.

Yet, I have a friend, who basically has told me I am not allowed to date him... because of his skin color. She tried to put him in a group. I explained that no matter what color you are, there are good and bad AND I would not group him just by his skin color.

So, we'll see. We'll see how my date goes... and, we'll see if I need to do a little sharpening with my friends on the colors in their crayon box.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Jungle in My pocket

I was in the other room this morning while my boys were watching cartoons in the living room. Commercials started playing. Now, normally, I wouldn't pay any attention, but this jingle caught my attention. It kept repeating, "I've got a jungle in my pocket. (Then in a deep voice) OH. YEAH! I've got a jungle in my pocket. (Then in a deep voice) OH. YEAH!"

I had to giggle. I'm sure it was not written with sexual connotation (at least, I hope not) but that is the image the type of music gave off. So much so, that I had to go into the other room just to see what it was actually selling. It turned out to be like those Polly Pocket dolls, yet they were jungle animals. An okay toy, I guess...but I don't want to know if you have a jungle in your pocket - I don't care who you are! LOL

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Not in a house...Not with a Mouse

I would not, could not, stand them on a plane
I would not, could not, stand them on a train
Not by my food, nor by my feet
They make me NOT want to eat

I tell you now I am your friend
Your friend. Your friend to the end
I like coming to your house
but I do NOT like seeing a mouse

They make my skin want to crawl
When I see them scampering down your hall
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE!