Ghost of Christmas past.. or Christmas future?

My dream last night...

I walk up to the boys and their friends.  They are outside the city limits of this big city in a completely flat area that looked like a desert.  The ground is dry and cracked. I ask the boys what they are doing and they say "Nothing."  It is evident that they are doing target practice of some kind.

Then, all of a sudden, one of them shoots something and a huge explosion happens on the edge of the city.  The ground begins to shake like an earthquake and a crack begins to run down the ground towards us.

"What have you done?" I yell.  "Just run!!"  they yell back as they grab my arm and pull me away from the crack that is increasingly growing as it comes towards us.

We run to a hill.  As we crest the hill, we see green lushness beyond it.  There are men with shotguns at the top.
One asks, ""Where do you think you are going?"
One of the boys replies, "We need to get there." pointing to the bottom of the valley on the other side of the hill.
"Go around!" the man yells.  It is obvious this is his land and he doesn't want us to cut through.
"No time." says the boy pointing to the crack that is following us.
Nodding us on, the man says, "Go."

We run over the crest of the hill and start to run down it.
During this running, 2 young girls join us; one is about 8 and the other is about 3. They ask if they can join us... They are obviously poor.  They are wearing rags and you can tell they are just want something to do.  I ask the 8 yr old if she has ever rolled down a hill. She says no.  I look off to the landscape beside us and it is green plateau, then a craggy drop, then another green plateau, and another craggy drop.  It continues like this down the side of the hill, even though the area that we are running is just a smooth hill.  I tell her that when we find a good hill, I will teach her how to roll down a hill.  As I'm telling her this, I'm thinking that I have never been successful with rolling down a hill since I hit puberty and gained boobs, but decided to deal with that when the time came.

When we finally reach the bottom of the hill, we reach a pond and decide to rest.  I tell everyone to be careful around the water.  Then the 3 yr old starts crying.  I ask her what is wrong. She tells me that she lost her doll's shoe in the pond.  It is obvious this doll is worth more than what her family probably could have afforded on their own as it is brand new.

So, I go to the water's edge and scoop my hand into the water. I come up with a handful of doll shoes.  I show the little girl and ask her if any of these are her doll's shoe.  She shakes her head.  I scoop again. Again, she shakes her head and says, "It's pink..." I have several pink shoes in my hand.  "What about?..."  I asked as I start to point at a pink shoe laying on my hand.  She cuts me off and says, "No, it's pink like a bunny's nose."  I wade into the water and scoop up a handful of shoes from the center of the pond and carry them over to the water's edge.  I show the little girl again. "No, like a puppy's nose." she innocently says again.  I decide that I don't have time to keep looking randomly for this doll shoe in a pond full of doll shoes.  I tell her I will keep my eye out for it, but that right now I will go home with them and explain to their mom what has happened and that I will take the blame for it.

We walk into the shack of their house,  Stair-steps of children are running around...It is obvious that the two girls I met are just two of many.  We walk into the kitchen where their mom is in front of an old stove.  The scene is from the 1930's Great Depression. I start to explain why I'm there.  Suddenly, the door is slammed open by her husband. "Woman!!!" he yells. She looks at me and whispers, "Not now." I sink into the background of the kitchen.  He bursts into the kitchen. "Woman, what have you done?!!?" he yells as he shoves a square bottle of dark alcohol in her face.  He is wearing trouser pants and a pageboy hat, but they are tattered. "I had to take care of your children somehow. I made sure they gave you credit." she said. The bottle he is holding has 3 calligraphy initials on the front label.  "Woman, don't you know this stuff is illegal?  And now they know WHO made it!!"

Worries

I awoke yesterday with a pain so great I couldn't breathe...

I had been having a dream.  A dream that my ex, R, and I were in a motel room and we were having an argument. I pushed my elbow into him.  He reached with his hands and put a death grip on my stomach.  He continued to squeeze tighter and tighter... and even though the pain was unbearable, the words that were coming out of my mouth were, "I'm fine. What?!?  Do you think that really hurts?"

(The strange thing about this is things were never physical between R and I)

I looked up the meaning of the words motel, elbow, stomach... and they all sent a resounding message.
Motel=transition
elbow= the need for space
stomach= changes and the acceptance of these changes

On the surface, I look fine.
I get up and I do what I'm supposed to do day-by-day.
I smile and let things roll off my back because why carry stress when you don't need it.

But underneath, I worry.
I worry that my students will be lost without my student teacher.
I worry I  will be lost without my student teacher.
I worry.
I worry that I am turning into my paranoid schizophrenic father every time a thought passes through my brain that what someone did was intended to hurt me.
I worry that growing out my hair long will turn me back into that shy quiet girl that never knew how to style her hair.
I worry.

But, on the surface, you will see the fierce me, the "I'm-fine." me, the don't-worry-about-me, let-me-worry-about-you me...
...because I have learned people find worries petty.
...Or maybe I find my worries petty.
...and maybe I would consider that another worry.

But either way, I don't want you to worry about my worries.
I just need space for these transitions so I can accept these changes..
... or at least that's what my dreams tell me.

the dream catcher

I've always had vivid dreams.
In my childhood, I would many times not know the difference of reality and my dream world.
I would ask my mom why she would allow such things to happen ...only to find out that they really didn't.

In my adult life, interpreting dreams has helped to ease the fear and tension my dreams bring.

I (unfortunately) have passed my vivid dreaming onto my son, Colby.
Any time he is stressed, he will have night terrors.
Many times (if it's not too bad of a dream) I can just tell him that he is dreaming and he will just go back to bed...
Other times though... he climbs up me and screams bloody murder, telling me to not let them hurt him. I tell him I won't, but he looks right through me, hearing me, but not seeing me and tells me that they are, they are hurting him and then he screams... and it breaks my heart.  That I can't do anything but  hold him ...and rock him ... and sing to him ...and try not to cry because I can't take him out of that world that seems so real.

Not too long ago, Sam came home from school with a dream catcher...he knows of my vivid dreams.
He told me he was going to put it on my door to catch all of the bad dreams.
I smiled and told him thank you.

About a week ago, he asked me how the dream catcher was working.  I told him it was doing great!  That I hadn't had any bad dreams... and honestly, that was true.

In the last week, Colby has had night terrors every night.
Tonight, before bed, he asked me if he could borrow my dream catcher.
So... tonight it hangs on his door.

We've made it to midnight so far... Let's just hope it catches the rest of the bad dreams the rest of the night.
...and if it does, I don't mind sharing my dream catcher permanently.

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night.” ― Charles Fisher

I had a dream last night.
I think it is my subconscious roaring it's little head.

In it, I had just arrived home from a date with Thor (that's what I'm gonna call the guy that I have been dating  from online.)
But when I say I arrived "home", it was actually the house that I grew up in as a kid.
Spencer (my ex-boyfriend) was in this dream. Supposedly he lived across the street and was stalking me. (I think that my subconscious put Spencer and my hot neighbor together into one creature - which is valid because in certain aspects he does remind me of Spencer.)

(Wow... there may be too much back story to even type out this dream.)

Any who...Spencer was out front of my house starting fires and threatening to burn down my house. Then he was stalking around the outside of my house trying to look in the windows.  Finally he was naked and jumping off the porch into my boys' kiddie pool. All throughout I was annoyed by all of these actions.

I had finally had enough and headed to the backyard where we had a shed.  I walked into the shed and all of my boxes from my past that were in disarray before were neatly stacked along the edges of the shed walls.  This "cleaning" had been done by a tall, country fellow with a cowboy hat and an elderly gentleman.  I thanked them and told them what a wonderful job they had done.  Then I wondered why I had been messing with all of these other guys that were driving me crazy when I had one here in front of me that helped make me feel sane again.


I have my theory as to what the dream means... anyone else want to give me their interpretation??

Seven

I had a dream last night that I went to a BIG company Christmas party where I was a guest. 
I met a man named Seven.  (He name was very significant in my dream)
He caught my eye, but even more so, I caught his.
We met in the buffet line and after returning to my seat I discussed him with my friends.  They told me that he and I would be a perfect match.

Later in the dream, he came and sat beside me and we got to know each other. I don't remember what we discussed, but I know it was in-depth.

In the end, he left with a car full of his drunk buddies and I was disappointed with not being able to spend more of my night with him.

As most of you know, I like to interpret my dreams.

Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music and attainment of high spirituality.

What channel is ESP on again?

So I went to a military ball with DP…

As we were driving to the base, we turned down this road...  A road I had seen in one of my dreams before.  It really freaked me out because in this particular dream, when we came to the crossroads, a diesel truck sideswiped my car.  

I reminded DP of my dream.  

He was sweet in making sure he took the crossroads with care. 

Thankfully we didn’t come across any pumpkin patches (which was the next part of my dream.)

The thing is… I couldn’t get it out of my head all weekend.

I’ve been having a LOT of occurrences lately where my sixth sense has been kicking in… and then something significant has been happening because of my reaction to it.

Makes me wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t had SUCH a strong reaction/remembrance of my dream…

The break up

I haven't been sleeping...
and when I have... I have been having nightmares...
Ones of where I am completely out of control.
I had one the other night that I was driving my fellow teachers in a school van and I kept having panic attacks and running us off the road.  The attack finally got so bad that I pulled over and while hyperventilating, I said, "I can't. I just can't.  Someone else is gonna have to take over!!" 

Even though I am having a great school year with my students and my class... our school is changing things up report card wise and it is stressing me out!!

Also, things are too good with DP...
I know this isn't a reason to be stressed... but I am not used to being "on" all the time.
R.(my ex husband) was always gone due to coaching sports... S(the guy I dated for a year) was a long distance relationship who I only saw on the weekends.
DP wants to spend every evening with me when I don't have my boys... I know I should view this as a good thing... but I feel like I don't have any breathing room... and I'm slowly suffocating.

It's only September... I shouldn't be this stressed yet. :(

Making the best of it

So... after last night's pity party, I had crazy dreams of riding in vehicles with people I didn't know and losing my children.

According to the dream dictionary, it meant:
To dream that someone else is lost, represents that you may have lost something within your own self. Perhaps you need to recapture and re-acknowledge those aspects.

Weird how our psyche interprets things for us... knowing that I felt like I was losing myself to my first unplanned summer day without adults.

So, I decided I was going to make the best of my day with my boys.

We had races through the sprinkler.


..and moral support when the wiffle ball went into the weeds.

We went and registered me for my next 5k.

And we headed to my friend, Angela's for a birthday party.

Overall, it was a good day.
I got a small dose of adult conversation.
...cause you know, stopping cold turkey is never fun ;)

Working on a dream

I've been off from school due to snow since last Wednesday.
We didn't have school Monday.
I was gone to meetings on Tuesday (so I was out of my classroom).
So... all I had last week was Wednesday.
Wednesday.

I'm wondering how my students are going to be tomorrow.
I'm wondering if they will be zombies from staying up too late over this unplanned mini-vacation... or be well rested, like me.

You see, over this break, I think I got too much sleep.
I had crazy vivid dreams almost every night.
I had dreams that elicited such emotion that when I woke, it was hard to shake those feelings from my being.

I had dreams of ...
...being shot at in a jungle and trying to protect my children from the shooters.
...having phone conversations where the person I was talking to and their voice did not match to that person in real life and feeling so very confused.
...of having sex and being rejected and in the same scenario continuously finding lost buttons off my clothes and trying to focus on the buttons versus the rejection.
...of having a ghost haunting my basement and all my guests being too afraid to travel freely around my house and me feeling completely helpless.

Now, I have done enough interpretation of my dreams to know what a lot of things represent. So normally after I have had a dream, I think to those meanings and smile at the realization of what my mind knows and is trying to let me in on.

However, that has not been the case over this break.
The dreams even though they were so wildly different... all had a common theme.
I recognized that in every situation, I was not in control.

When I looked up the key words of each dream, over and over again this came up:
"You may be experiencing some chaos and unpredictable circumstances in your waking life."

But what?
I mean, I think things are going pretty normal in my life.
Sure, my love life isn't the greatest right now, but it hasn't been consistently happy for a while. Other than that, I don't know what chaos my unconscious knows about that I haven't figured out....

Dreams of Dressing room disasters

I had a dream last night that I was in a dressing room wanting to buy some new jeans. The sales girl that was helping me asked me "what size?"
"6" I responded.
She then brought me back a size 14.
Frustrated I told her, "No, I need a six."
So she brought me a shirt and then some fake fingernails.
The whole time I was in there with 2 little girls... one supposedly my daughter.
At one pint and time, the little girl who was my daughter was stark naked looking at herself in the mirror at all angles, judging herself.
I told her that she needed to get dressed.
The sales girl then brought me a bra.
She was like, "Just try it on, it's cute."
So I tried it on.
It took me from a size B to like a size E
I pulled a shirt over.
I looked enormous.
I asked the 2 girls what they thought of my gigantic boobs and they disapproved.
I then headed back into the dressing room where there were clothes strewn everywhere.
As I closed the dressing room door, a new sales girl (who was training a group) asked me if I needed a different size. Frustrated, I told her "NO!"
Then she turned to the group she was training and told them, "You must always be attentive to the customer's needs and get them the size they need."
I thought to myself, "Ha! She did a poor job of training the last one."

Dream Interpretations...
dressing rooms - suggest that you are trying to fit into some new situation or role.

If the clothes do not fit, then it implies a feeling of insecurities.

Jeans - indicate that you are trying hard to fit in with others.

Size- represents the importance or lack of importance that you attach to certain objects or persons. The larger something is, the more important it is.

Shirt - refers to your emotions or some emotional situation.

Fake nails - indicate that your defenses are up.

Children - You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture.

Others being naked - represents some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation.

Bra - To dream that you are wearing a bra, signifies support and protection.

Mirror - suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self.

What it all means...
So basically my dream means that I am trying to fit into a new role (being in a relationship) and I am having some insecurities about it. (duh!) It is of huge importance to me and emotionally my defenses are up. I am trying to satisfy some unfulfilled dreams. But I am scared about finding out the truth. So I am thinking about all of this and I feel like I need some support in working through all of this.

Yeah... that pretty much sums it up.

Weird how my inner psyche knows this.

leaving it all behind

The new guy and I still haven't met. I had forgotten about a prior commitment that I had on Thursday night, so we rescheduled for today (Saturday).
But we haven't wasted time in getting to know one another. We have been talking for a week and have already talked 20 hours on the phone. 20 hours!!

Funny how I have yet to meet this man... and yet I dream of him.

Last night I dreamed that he came to stay at my house, except it wasn't my current house, it was my "mom's house".
(I put this in parenthesis because my mom passed away in 1997. She also didn't have a boyfriend at the time.)
She and her current boyfriend were going out of town for the weekend and so we decided to stay there.
After the weekend was over, my mother asked me if I was going to see this one again, I replied with, "I don't know. Maybe. Why?"
"Because he left his boots."

I know...
Different houses are different frames of mind.
My mom represents wholeness to me... so going to stay at her house would represent me feeling whole again.
Someone forgetting their shoes suggests that you are leaving behind your inhibitions.

I know I am very fearful of meeting this guy.
Not fearful in the "I'm scared for my life" type of way, but the "I might actually like him and want him to stick around" kind of way.

The tightness in my chest represents the fear well.

Hopefully, that tightness will be gone soon... I'm ready to leave those inhibitions behind.

30 Days of Truth: Day Five: Hope

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to one day travel the world. I want to experience cultures that I can completely engulf myself in and wonder in amazement how their lives can be so different from my own, yet so parallel.

I want to photograph those experiences and share the awe and wonder with others. I want to capture the human expression and the world of natural beauty around us.

I dream about it occurring.
I sit and wonder of all the things I've missed so far ...and one day hope to not have to wonder anymore.

More to come...

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

how I can sleep at night

I had VERY vivid dreams last night....dreams that people were trying to break into my house.

They weren't just trying to break down my doors either... no... they were men parachuting in from Army helicopters. When I tried to call 911, my fingers couldn't get the numbers right on my cell phone and I panicked. When I reached my home phone, it was disconnected. I tried to turn on the lights to see what was wrong and that is when I realized I had no power. I ran back to my bedroom all along trying to call for help. As I reached for my doorknob to lock my bedroom door, I panicked...there wasn't a door knob to lock. A bald man with a squished up face forced open the door. About the time he started to speak, I woke up.

I hate having dreams like that when I am by myself. When my boys are here, they give me a sense of security. Even though I am the one protecting them, they give me a mental security... you know the "Momma Bulldog" mentality ~where I wouldn't allow anything to happen to my babies, so I know nothing is going to happen to me.

But when I am by myself, I tend to lose that Momma Bulldog. I lay awake listening... making sure there really isn't anything making noises in my house.

That is why I tend to look up what my dreams mean...to know what lies beneath allows me to distract myself long enough to fall back asleep.

Last night's dream meant that I was bailing out of a situation (parachute) that I had focused ambitions on (helicopter). I felt like I was losing a grip (fingers) on a connection I had with a relationship (telephone) and, in return, felt a lack of control (panic). I had a lack of insight or perspective (loss of electricity) of issues that I needed to get a handle on (door knobs) and I have feelings of anger that need to be faced head on (forced).

(If you know anything about what is going on with me right now...you know my dream was dead on! If you don't know what's going on with me...read back a few posts.)

Having this insight is what allows me to fall back asleep when I'm alone ...and the Momma bulldog is nowhere to be found.

a reason for letting it go

I had a dream the other night that my ex's new girlfriend was at a party at "my" house (in my dream it was mine). She followed me inside for me to get her some fruit salad. I specifically picked the pieces of fruit out that I wanted her to have. I place the plate in front of her. As I came around the corner from the kitchen, she hopped up from the bar stool where she was sitting and threw her arms around me in a big hug. My arms were pinned to my sides...there was nothing I could do! As she hugged me, she said, "I knew we'd be friends one day."



Today (in real life) my ex's girlfriend brought me my boys. My ex had other things that he was doing and she was coming my direction. She has never been involved in the swap offs.

(This is mainly because of the strong hatred that I had for her...and I did not hide it from him(my ex). I have never had such hatred... when I saw her or heard her name, I saw red. This hatred spawned from knowing that the man who had once vowed to spend the rest of his life loving and taking care of me...told me he didn't love me any longer...and now had love for another. It angered me that he could move on...that our life together seemed like dust in the wind, ever present, but rarely seen.)

So... my ex's girlfriend was concerned (rightly so) when she was given this responsibility of bringing the boys to me.

When she helped them out of her car, she did it with care. She told them to be good. She told them that she would see them tomorrow.

I took their hands in mine...and turned.
...and then turned back and thanked her for bringing them to me.

For when my children think of me, I want them to think of me showing grace and respect... not a seething red faced monster.

...but I don't think there will be any hugging going on anytime soon.

What does THAT mean?

While I was down in Texas this last time, I had all kinds of really vivid dreams. I was telling my friend, Laura, about one of them and she looked it up on this dream website.

The dream I told her was about me living in a house with Spencer's ex wife. (which is weird...WHY would I want to live with my boyfriend's ex wife?) I was giving my mom a tour around the house (Which is also weird, since my mom died in 1997) and I was complaining to my mom that I didn't understand why my boys had to share a room in this HUGE house when there were several unused spare bedrooms... plus Spencer's kids each had a bedroom and a playroom each. One of the rooms I took my mom into was Jessica's study that was lined with books. I did this to show her that there was lots of extra room in the house.

From this dream analysis site, Laura told me that every aspect is part of yourself in one way or another.
Having a conversation with your mother means you are working on understanding a conflict.
A mate's ex means you are trying not to make the same mistakes that ended their relationship.
A house means your soul and yourself.
A new house means you are identifying new strengths or positions on something.
A bedroom means that you have an aspect that you want to keep private.

A bookshelf means you need to gain knowledge before making a decision.

So...basically I have a conflict that I am trying to work through but I need more knowledge before making a decision.

Weird how our psyche works...

cooties

When I was young, all my girlfriends would say that "Boys had cooties" I secretly didn't care. I had brothers. I knew (or thought I knew) about boys. It, however, didn't prevent me from being shy (extremely shy) around boys I liked. I kinda went into a freeze mode. I wish now that someone had pulled me aside and told me it was okay...okay that I "liked" boys and didn't think they had cooties.

My (soon-to-be 6 year old) son came to me the other morning and said, "Mom, I had a dream." (We talk about our dreams a lot, so this was not a strange conversation. )
Me: -"Tell me what it was about."
Colb: "I kissed a girl. "

(I could see his eyes watching me intently to see how I would respond. I could tell by the way he said it, he was a little shy and embarrassed by it. I'm sure he was wondering - is this bad??)

Me: (smiling so he would know it was okay) "Really? Who was she?"
Colb: (shrugging) "I don't know, a girl."
Me:"Someone you know?"
Colb: "nope...just a girl."
Me: "Oh... well, that's nice. Kissing is nice."
Colb: (smiling big) "Yep."

Not that I am advocating my 6 year old to go out and swap his cooties with a girl anytime soon, but I want him to know that the feelings are nothing to be ashamed of.

living someone else's dream

When I was a kid, if I was having a bad day, I would imagine that I wasn't really living this life that I was just living in someone else's nightmare and eventually they would wake up and me and my horrible day would disappear.

It's actually a hard concept to wrap your brain around, if you think about it.... You only existing when someone else is sleeping.

I justified it by when I was asleep the person whose dream world I was living in was actually awake....and the crazy dreams I was having were just small clips of their life that I was getting glimpses of.


I laugh now because sometimes my life is crazy...crazier than I want it to be...but I can't complain too much because things seem to (over all) be heading in a pretty positive direction for me. So, it would be a complete disappointment, if tomorrow, the person's dream world I was living in never slept again.

Dreams vs. reality

Last night Spencer went to a female friend's house to hang out. He runs with her. This shouldn't bother me, but it did. It bothered me because we talked at around 3 pm and then I didn't hear from him again... It was Valentine's day. I was thinking of him...shouldn't he be thinking of me as well??? So finally at around 8:30, I had a financial question so I called him. (yes...it was an excuse to call, but a good one) I could tell he was with a lot of people. I asked my question and then told him I would let him go. (I was hurt.) He told me he would call me later after he left her house.

He called at around 10:30. He explained that there were lots of people there and there was nothing for me to worry about.

Then this morning I had a dream... a dream where Spencer and I were discussing last night. We began to argue. He was telling me that if I couldn't trust him, then maybe we shouldn't be together. (an argument that Robbie and I had many times) I began crying. I woke up crying.

So today I have been in a funk...one that I can't seem to shake. My logical brain is telling me to run now...to save myself from any future heartache and pain...because if I end it now, it will be less painful than if I wait for him to end it in the future...Is this logical thinking??

My crazy dreams

For all of you that thought this post was going to be dreams about my future...I am here to disappoint - not to say that won't be a post some day, just not today.

I have been having some very unusual dreams lately. Here are just 2 from the other night:

The first one took place in the house that I grew up in. I was there with my older brother, Michael. I was stressing over what I was going to dress up as for my friend, Rachel's LOST party~I made a statement that my hair was too short to be any of the characters. Michael told me not to worry that he would take care of it. He had me sit down on the toilet while he messed with my hair. Before I knew it, he was done. I stood up and looked in the mirror. My hair was a poofy angled bob with blond highlights. I went to tell Michael it was nice, but it did not look like any of the LOST characters BUT as I was doing so I started coughing and my voice went raspy. My comment to him then was, "Great! Now I look like and sound like a drag queen!"

I've decided out of the respect of my male readers, I am not going to share my whole second dream... I'll just give you a synopsis. Me visiting my father in a mental institution (which he is not in, in real life) only for them to want to give up my DNA to clone babies to perform tests on to cure mental diseases. Needless to say, I yelled, "Hell no! They're not using my DNA for that!"

I'm not the only one having crazy dreams...My brother, Tim, told me he had one about me having a grasshopper for a baby that he put in a soda cup for safekeeping while he was at the movie theater ~Good Job, Uncle Tim! And then another one about my sister-in-law, LeaAnn, having a baby whose skin kept peeling off. I don't know why his brain is on this baby kick...but those vibes definintely need to be sent LeaAnn's way, NOT mine!