Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Blind Side

I didn't see it coming.
How could I?

When I finally ended things (for good) with Spencer months ago, I was done.
I didn't look back... I didn't wish for more.
I had finally learned that he was not who I was meant to be with.
I knew that door was finally closed for me.
It was a hard decision, but a right one nonetheless.

I didn't wake every morning with him on my mind.
I didn't go to bed dreaming of him.
Sure... certain things still reminded me of him... of the good times (and there were many) but he was not a constant thought in my mind.

I was happy to be at that point.

So... when he friended me on Facebook yesterday, I was (needless to say) caught off guard.
Emotions poured through me.
I knew immediately that couldn't happen.
I couldn't continue with my healing, my getting over him, if on a daily basis I could see what he was doing or who he was with.

But I couldn't just "ignore" him either.
That's not how I work.
Never has been... never will be.
I have to "talk it out".
So I texted him.
I asked him why he was friending me... and then I explained why I wouldn't be accepting.
He said he understood.

Now... to get back to the point where he is not a constant thought....

Friday, May 28, 2010

a game worth playing?

The male species confuses the hell out of me sometimes.

I call or text. He is busy.

I don't call or text. He blows up my phone.

But once into the conversation, if I show any interest in getting together, then he is done.

It is a game to him. I see that.

So why do I keep playing??

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

teacher's pet

It's hard to admit the you, as a teacher, have a favorite.
This is the time of year that it hits home the days and hours and minutes slowly tick towards the last day.
And you know after that day, they will no longer be yours anymore.

I, of course, love all my students!

But there is always one...and you know that NO one will get him quite the way that you did. (even though you hope that not to be true.)

When he fights, you know to ask him when dad is leaving for his trucking route or if he is getting delayed coming home. You also know how long that means he will be pissed at the world.

You know that when he has to call home for being in trouble, it hits harder to call dad than it does mom.

You know that he has a sense of pride and refusing to return his field trip permission slip wasn't because he didn't want to go but because he didn't have the money to pay for it.

You know that he has made such progress this year. In fact, the other day at recess, he stepped off the basketball court when someone made him mad to take a minute to regain himself. You did that! He didn't have those skills before you!

You know that every day this week, You have gotten an extra, come out of the bus line, hug.

You know that letting go of the tough ones is so much harder...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Rough day

I had a rough day today...

Things didn't go as planned.

Instead of being able to leave immediately from school, we had to pull kids back off buses to duck and cover... until 4pm :(

And I was in charge of the middle schoolers... and their cell phones... and their attitudes when I ask them to put their cell phones away.

Finally, when all of the lovely cell phone carrying children were back on the buses to head home, I got a phone call saying the boys' ball game was cancelled... so I went to work on the closet that I will be sharing with a new teacher next year.

It didn't quite look like this: (but I felt like it did.)

So...once I was knee deep in piles of books and trash, R. (my ex) called to say the game was back on.
I couldn't just drop everything and leave. (because I was in an utter mess)

By the time I had things semi-decent, I was then running late to the boys' game.
I got there just in time to see both boys come up to bat and run the bases.

Then the dugout mom asked if I had remembered it was my turn to provide the snacks.
I hadn't.

So I left the game to make a quick run to Wal-Mart. Ha!
Wal-mart had too few lines open and too many customers.
I stood in line for 20 minutes.

I arrived back at the ball field only for the game to be over. No kids (besides my own)to eat the snacks I just bought and I missed the rest of the ballgame.

Needless to say, I was not happy. My ex got the brunt of my pissiness. He kept saying he was not in charge of the snack schedule (even though he is the coach).
I wasn't really mad at him, but at everything. He kept saying he was sorry.
(It didn't help that he asked the boys if they were ready to go home and swim and when I gave him a raised eyebrow, he told me they had gotten a pool.)

It wasn't right to take it out on him, but there is some sort of comfort knowing that there is someone out there that I can be pissed off at...and it isn't going to change how things are between us.
I just kinda wish it wasn't my ex.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Just being Honest

SoccerMom graciously presented me with this Honesty award.
An award that shows her appreciation for me being honest on my blog.
In turn, she has asked me to answer the following questions and in quest of being honest...I will do the best that I can.

-Share 1 thing that no one knows about you.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I have royally screwed my love life up...and is truly repairable?

-What is your biggest regret in life? (hello, everyone has regrets)
That I didn't tell my mom how much I loved her on the last day I saw her.

-Have you ever been jealous of someone else's blog page and why?

yes...ALL the time!! I see their cute little layouts and I wish mine could be that way. I don't want to go changing just to be changing...I want a layout that shouts ME!

-What would you do for a $1,000 dollars?
As long as it didn't involve degrading myself, my children, or my family...Yeah, I'm up for it!

-What secretly makes you happy? (money? Kids? Porn? Sunshine?)
Helping people and getting help in return...without expectations.

-If you could go back in time, would you still pick the person you are with right now? And why?
ha. I'm not with anyone right now. But would I go back and change being with any of the people I have been with in the past??? Absolutely not. Each has made me who I am. Each has help me take a baby step towards who I want to become.

-What do you like or dislike about my(SoccerMom) blog page?
I love that you can write exactly how you feel...sometimes I feel like I have to censor myself.

-If you could take a trip anywhere, who would you take with you?
My family and friends...they are who make everyday worth living.

So...Now I'm spreading the love. These 6 people just lay it all out on the line...and I love reading and following them because of it! Go check them out!

ck @ Bad Mommy Moments
The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know
The Spohrs are Multiplying
SurferJay @ I have to wipe his what?
Zuzu's Petals

If you six feel compelled to answer the following questions, I'd be honored to come read your responses!! :)

-Share 1 thing that no one knows about you.
-What is your biggest regret in life? (hello, everyone has regrets)
-Have you ever been jealous of someone elses blog page and why?
-What would you do for a $1,000 dollars?
-What secretly makes you happy? (money? Kids? Porn? Sunshine?)
-If you could go back in time, would you still pick the person you are with right now? And why.
-What do you like or dislike about my blog page.
-If you could take a trip anywhere, who would you take with you?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

My sense of adventure

When I was a kid, my mom used to joke and say, "Oh, you're going somewhere? You want someone to join you? Well...don't worry! Dawn will go. It doesn't matter if it is a trip to Wal-mart or a trip across the country, she will be there in the seat beside you, ready to roll!"

My mom attested it to me not wanting to miss anything! I just knew what would be happening at home... but I didn't know what would be wherever anyone was headed.

I guess it is the sense of adventure in me.
I just like to go....whether it be planned or unplanned.
That and I like to make unscheduled adds to the adventures.

So I wasn't completely surprised by the fact that my friends made fun of me when I said I wanted to head to Cleveland, Ohio this summer to go eat at Momocho (a mod Mexican restaurant).

They wanted to know what else was there in Cleveland. Was there a man I wasn't telling them about?? Surprisingly, I said, "No, the food there just sounds delicious. Isn't that reason enough to go?"

I mean doesn't a 13 hour road trip to eat at a restaurant you have never eaten at before sound like fun??

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The List

Our counselor slowly slips into my room. Without a word, a piece of paper is handed my direction. I give a quick nod and a half smile. I try to read her expression. She gives me nothing.
She leaves my room as quietly as she came.

I glance down at the paper she has handed me.
I want to give it due justice, but it will have to wait. Students are vying for my attention.

As soon as I am by myself, I unfold the paper again.
I scour over the names to see if any are recognizable.
Known names are known for a reason.

Three-fourths down the page and nothing... No names that I know. No names that I have to prepare myself for. Strangely, I am slightly disappointed. I eventually connect with those "tough" kids even though they start out thinking I'm their worst nightmare.

As I finish reading through the last of my list, a name slaps me back to reality. THE name! The one name that ALL teachers in my building know. It precedes him.

I hear other teachers talking in the hallway. I walk out to join them.
They are talking about HIM. How HIS name did not make their list.
Some are even cheering.
Then the questions start. Who has HIM?
I slowly raise me hand. The apologies begin.

I nod and give into my condolences.
Secretly, though, I'm excited.
Those "tough cookies' keep me on my toes and help me to show all my students that it is always okay to strive to be better... even when your name precedes you.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

She chose to tell me

The texts.
The giggles.
I look curiously at her.'s great to that in love with your husband, but she has never acted this way before.
(We have known each other a long time...I know exactly how each one of them is.)
Our other 2 friends are oblivious, but not me... I see something more.

When we get a second alone, I lean over to see her most recent text.
She leans away to hide it and then shows me anyways.

I look at her and narrow my eyes.
"That isn't J's number." ???
It was more of a statement than it was a question.

It's not.
Without any prodding, she reveals that she has had an affair.
I ask her, "Why? Have there been problems in your marriage?"
"That's the kicker, there hasn't."

I know that is a lie.
Cheating doesn't happen when things are perfect.
I should know.
I thought things were perfect when my ex cheated.
Obviously they were perfect for me, not him.

I can't bring myself to say anything more.
I want to bitch slap her! I want to ask her, 'What the Hell was she thinking?"
But I don't.
It's not my place.

I tell her she needs to think this through, for her kids...for her husband.
She says it's all good.

But I know better.

...I'm just not sure why she chose to tell me.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

What I've Gained

Here are the things I have gained from my failed realtionships:

My boys
My house
a Wireless modem (now... if I would just get a laptop)
head to toe motorcycle gear
a weedeater
a cooler & some deer meat

the inability to trust the male species
insecurities that I'm not good enough

Strange that the "good" list looks bigger here...yet the "bad" list weighs so much more.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Graduation is not the end, it is the beginning...

My son graduated preschool tonight. He was very apprehensive about going up on stage in front of everyone. He does not like the lime light like his older brother.

I tried to not make a big deal about it. He does best when he doesn't know other people are looking at him. When his teacher called for him and his classmate to come to the stage, he jumped off my lap and headed up happy as could be.

You would have thought that he was meant to be up there. No crying. No having to be pulled up in front of everyone. No hiding his face. Just my my beautiful boy performing with his classmates.

He is SO excited about being a Kindergartner! He knew that he had to go through this ceremony in order to be completely out of Preschool.

Kindergarten here we come!!!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

Thursday, May 13, 2010

All that.. and a bunch of receipts

Rarely does our school pay for us to go to conferences anymore. They expect us teachers to get our Professional Development (PD) right here at home. (Boooorrrring.)

But, once in a blue moon, they release us out into the wilderness of the world to acquire new knowledge. This was one of those times.

My friend and co-worker, Laura, and I had been approved to go to a writing conference. It was only one day, but our district had agreed to pay for the conference, our hotel room, and our meals.

Laura and I (of course) had all good intentions to leave as soon as school let out because we had a 4 hour drive in front of us. That did not happen (surprise, surprise). So...finally, at 4:30 pm, we headed out.

We drove for 2 hours. By that time, my insides felt like they were going to eat their way out. We opted to stop for dinner at Applebee's. After flirting with the guys at the next table and ending up giving them the food we did not eat, we were ready to pay and get back onto the road.

The guys had other ideas. They wanted us to come join them at the bar. So as soon as our receipt was on the table, Laura and I threw down the cash to cover it and high-tailed it out of there!

A half an hour later, we realized (in our haste) we forgot our receipt. (Did I mention that the school was reimbursing us? But only if we had our receipts for proof??)
In teacher world, that's a happily eaten $20 causing mucho sadness.

So...Laura and I came up with a plan.
Get a new receipt!

How you might ask?

You know how when you are part of a youth group and they send you off on a scavenger hunt to look for random items that mean nothing to the average joe...

Yeah...well...Laura had never done one of those.
...and I couldn't allow her to go through her whole life without experiencing that embarrassment joy!

So...we decided to stop at the next restaurant that we came to and tell them we were on a scavenger hunt and needed a receipt in the $20 range.

Our first stop...Dominoes.

The cashier laughed, "Yeah...I did one of those once." He promptly printed up a receipt. The perfect amount~$22.50

Only problem is ... it said that we ate 2 large pizzas and a bread anyone that knows Laura and I, knows we can eat... but there is no way we could have eaten that amount!!!

Onto several other restaurants... none giving us exactly what we were looking for.

Finally, we happened upon another Applebee's. Again we gave our schpeel, but this time we added specifics ~ WE needed a receipt in the $20 range with NO alcohol.

The hostess looked at us and laughed, "That's a tough one!" But away she went and returned with 3 receipts for us to chose from. We almost hated that we got what we wanted. We were having so much fun!

As we headed back out to the school minivan, we perused through the items on the receipts... and because we weren't familiar with the vehicle, nor were we paying the tiniest bit of attention, we might have definitely got into the wrong vehicle.
<---NOT our vehicle!!!

The new car smell hit us. That is when we knew things weren't right!

Frantically, we jumped out of the pristine mini van and ran into our own. We tried to calm our racing hearts as we took in the familiarity of stale old minivan smell and sank into the worn down seats.

With that, we decided we had had enough adventures for one evening! Plus we still had an hour and a half of driving to do... our four hour trip had turned into six.

I'd like to say that our conference was just as exciting as our trip up... but really, who would I be kidding???

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

and the emmy goes to...

Okay... okay... so maybe it's not as big as an Emmy... but it does show that I have people that love me... or at least love what I say on their blog... and that's worth something, right???

Well... In my eyes it is! So thanks to SoccerMom for the kudos! I'll try to keep up the good work. :)

Discover THIS! ~Wordless Wednesday

Monday, May 10, 2010

Attitude is Everything!

Some people just have the worst attitude...and they try to spread that bad attitude onto everyone they come across.

We took our students to Dixie Stampede. It was another reward they earned for doing so well on our state testing. We weren't the only school there, but we were one of the first to arrive and be seated for the pre-show.

Before we left, I assigned each kid a buddy. (It is much faster to count 10 groups of 2 than counting all the way to 20.) I told them that no matter what they weren't to leave their buddy. If one out of the two needed to go to the restroom, both partners had to go!

We arrived into the room where the pre-show was being held. The second row was open and I told my students to file in and fill it up. Somehow, in all of this, a teacher (whose class was sitting in the first row) decided to squeeze into my line and took a chair in with my students. This caused an issue because than one of my buddy groups was split up into the next row. I would have solved it right then, but it wasn't brought to my attention until much later on when all the other seats around us were filled. In fact, my students didn't mention it to me until this teacher had left the seat and it remained empty for about 15 minutes (I told you we were early) and all they asked was if their buddy could come sit in the empty seat.

I looked around and asked if they saw the person that had been in the seat. My students told me, "No." So waited about another 5 minutes before I went and grabbed the buddy that was misplaced.

Five minutes later, this teacher (We'll just call her, B.) approaches me. "I don't know what kind of manners you are teaching your students at your school, but they are being very rude!"

Me: "What? ...What did they do?" Out of anybody, I do not allow my students to be rude!

B: "I get up and leave for just a minute and they take my seat! That's just plain rude!"

Me: "Oh. I'm sorry. My students thought you had left and found a seat elsewhere. I can send that student back to the seat she was at. No biggie."

As I walked over to my student, I got a death glare from B.
I know I had a confused look on my face because I had just told her I would fix the problem and instead of a smile...I was getting a glare?

After I placed my student back to the seat she was originally in, another teacher from my school asked me what all of the rearranging was all about, so I told her what had happened.

About 5 minutes later, B. approached me again.

B: "Can we talk over here a minute? "

I look around to the jam packed room... and wondered where we were going to talk that young ears would not hear. I followed B. until she got to the end of the row where "her" seat was located.

B: "I have to say you are very rude!"

Me: "Excuse me? "

B: "What you did! What you allowed your students to do! All very rude!!"

Me: "I'm sorry. I don't know what you are talking about. There was a problem. You brought it to my attention. I solved the problem. How is that being rude?"

B: "Did you not just go talk about me behind my back over where my students could hear you?"

Me: "No. I had another teacher ask me what was up with all the switch-a-roo and I told her. I don't think that was bad mouthing you."

B: YOU are JUST rude!

That was my breaking point... and before I said or did something I knew I would regret later, I said,

Me: "No...You are actually the one being rude! Speaking to me like this in front of my students."

B: "I'm not being any ruder than you."

Me: "Then I guess we will just have to agree to disagree."

And I walked off.

She sat and glared at me throughout the whole pre-show.
I sat and laughed with my students at the pre-show performer.
I had a wonderful day there... not sure I can say the same for B.

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” ~Winston Churchill

Sunday, May 9, 2010

20 questions (with my boys)

Here are some questions that I asked my sons. Sam is 5 and Colby is 7

1. Tell me the five best things about you.
S: Umm...I like to play with you, I like to play with Colby, I like to play with dad, I like to play baseball, I get surprises when it is my birthday.

C: Well... I am good at baseball and throwing balls, I am the greatest baseball player on my team, my teacher loves me, my friends like me because I am nice, and because my mom and dad do almost everything I say(yeah...right!). ~That was a hard question, Mom!

2. If you could tell me never to serve two vegetables again, which two would you choose?
S: Broccoli and swiush (Squash)
C: Broccoli and celery

3. Who do you think I'd rather you be: an NBA ballplayer, the mayor, a famous explorer, or a movie star? Why?
S:A basketball player because I could get a lot of points.

C: A mayor because I could then become president and then you could come visit me at my house (the White House).

4. If you had to have one of these, which would pick – and why? Really long nose hairs, hair in your ears, massively hairy armpits!
S: I don't know...(laughing)

C: Mmmm... Hairy armpits because I would have a jungle going on in my armpits.

5. If you could arrange it, what time would I come home from work? Then, what would we do together?
S: At the same time I do (11am). We would go get a milk shake... only one to share.
C: At 2pm. We would go to SDC (a theme park)

6. What's your favorite meal that I make you?
S: Green eggs and ham
C: White sauce with noodles (Chicken Alfredo)

7. What do you think of my driving?
S: Good.
C: You are a good driver.

8. What is the most enjoyable thing our family has done together in the last three years?
S: Going to Disney World (this was when he was 2, so I think he only remembers it from pictures)
C: Go to SDC (theme park)

9. What would you do if you were invisible for a day?
S: I would be a ghost. I would scare you. (laughing)
C: I would like to go through walls.

10. What do you think is beyond the stars?
S: A moon and planets with watermelons
C: The planet Pluto

11. What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?
S: He helps me clean up.
C: Helped me up when I fell down.

12. Name two things we should do as a family on the weekend.
S: Cook steaks and go to SDC
C: We should go to Kansas City and visit Uncle Michael and Brian (in Texas).

13. If you were going to have a weird, unusual pet, what would it be? Why would you want that pet?
S: A humongous bird because it can fly and we could get on it and fly around.
C: A walrus because it has sharp teeth and can eat fish. (Sam~ "But we don't have fish here.")

14. What have you done, in school or sports or anywhere, that you are especially proud of?
S: Hitting the ball into the outfield in baseball.
C: I got a 100% on a test.

15. What do I do that makes you laugh?
S: You are always tickling me.
C: You tell funny jokes.

16. How do you describe me to your friends?
S: You have brown hair and you are happy.
C: You are nice. You teach third grade and you are mean to kids...Is that true, mom? No...(laughing) you aren't mean to kids. You are the funniest mom. You have spiky hair. You smile every day and you talk a lot. I think that is all I can say about you now.

17. What is the grossest thing you can think of?
S: Slime.
C: broccoli belch! I do NOT like broccoli!

18. What do you think is the right age for marriage? Why?
S: 36 because 4 is not a high number to get married.
C: 25 because it is in the 20's. You shouldn't get married at 7 years old because it is illegal.

19. Who do you think you are most like in our family? Why?
S: Dad because he plays baseball.
C: You, mom, because I have the same nose, mouth, and the same shape of eyes as you.

20. What makes me special as your mom?
S: You play games with me.
C: You hold me. You kiss me under the neck. You call me when you are sad. You let me snuggle up with you when I am cold. You let me sleep in your bed when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Yeah... I feel pretty priviledged to be a mom to these two! (I was having difficulty typing this last sentence... as I was being attacked with kisses. Happy Mother's Day!!)

Friday, May 7, 2010

Are you hooked?

Have you ever been on someone's hook? Do you have anyone on yours?

Don't have any clue what I'm talking about???

Well... When you are on someone's hook, most of the time you don't know it (or you don't admit it to yourself).

While being on someone's hook, you will do just about anything for that person.

Normally, you have not dated the person who has you "hooked", BUT, if given the opportunity, you probably would.

The problem is... the person that is keeping you on the hook doesn't want to date you.
They like the attention.
They like the friendship... BUT they don't want to date you.
MOSTLY, they like that they can rely on you for ANYTHING! (and without fail, you will come through~ because You, the person being on the hook, don't want to lose that attention...NO matter what!!)

What will it cost you being on someone's hook?
A relationship?

But it is a risk you are willing to take.

Then, there is the other side of the story... having someone on your hook.
That has it's positives and negatives, as well.

*You always have a "go to guy".
*You always have someone doting over you and they make you feel great!

*You don't want to date them.
*Sometimes you feel guilty that you are taking advantage of their "kindness".

The only solution... is being HONEST!

The "hooker" has to be honest to the "hookee."

It's not easy... you go through withdrawal on either end.

If you have someone on your hook, you have to start doing things yourself. You don't get that constant attention.

I know. I've been on that end.
The guy was great! He made me feel great! BUT, I came to realize, I didn't want to date him.

Did I love the attention? Absolutely!
Did it make me feel good leading him on? Not so much.
Was it unfair to him? Absolutely!
Was he happy, at first, when I let him off my hook? Not so much.

That's another aspect to it... When you are let off someone's hook, eventually (hopefully) you feel relieved, but in the beginning you feel disheartened. You are no longer needed/wanted.

I went on a couple of dates with a guy.
He ended things between us this week.
It's fine... but I think the reason is... is because he is on a friend's hook.
She got jealous of me. (He told me that much.)
I'm sure, he didn't want to lose her friendship...understandable of someone on the hook.
So, when it came down to choosing me(a new person in his life) or her (a constant), it's not a surprise who he chose.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Patience is a Virtue... I DON'T have

Good things come to those who wait... but what about us that want it right now?

I always tell my students, "Be patient. You'll find out soon enough!" when I have put a "teaser" up on the board for what exciting thing is to come.

But I sometimes have a hard time following my own advice.

This is especially true with my love life.

I want the "perfect" guy and the "perfect" relationship right now!

But, I guess, God has other plans...

I think He is trying to teach me patience... and despite the fact that I am trying to listen and learn, that "teaser" has been put out there in front of me. It is so hard to not just question and question some more.

So... here I am... trying to be patient ...and wait for good things.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Happy 5th birthday Sam!

Today is Sam's 5th birthday!

Sam has changed so much this year!

When Sam was younger, ...
~he would hide his face in embarrassment over the littlest things
~he would not hold a conversation with a stranger.
~he would whine in hopes to get his way.
~he would only stay with grandma.
~he wouldn't show how smart he was because then he was giving in to what you wanted.

But NOW...
~My son is turning 5!
~He is excited about kindergarten!
~He knows he's one smart cookie & wants to share his knowledge with people!
~He has a beautiful smile that he shares!

Happy birthday my wonderful, beautiful boy! You make me so proud!