Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily

Colby is having a really hard time with R. (my ex) & W. (his girlfriend)'s break up.

It breaks my heart to see my son hurting especially since I don't know how to help him. He wants to go home with his dad on a daily just to check to see if W. has come home.
She hasn't and I know she won't.

But that's not my place or my business.

My business is my children though.

Yesterday, W. went to Colby's school and had lunch with him... without permission from R. or myself.

Yes, I realize this happened a lot when her and R were together... but they aren't together!

And once she decided to walk away from her and R.'s relationship, she was also choosing to walk away from her relationship with my boys.

She doesn't get to choose if and when she sees my children any more.
Because what she doesn't realize is her coming to see Colby isn't helping the healing process for my son... it is postponing it.

...and I'm tired of seeing my son hurting.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mean girls

False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade.

I have never been *that* girl... you know the one who was too good to be every one's friend~She picked and chose her friends... and also dropped them like an old habit when someone newer or more interesting came along. She was a bully, but everyone "loved" her (mainly so they wouldn't become her target).

You know those girls.... I know you do!

(Picture courtesy of Paramount Pictures)

Well... I thought I had left those girls behind when I graduated high school.

It's not like I tried to be friends with them back then.
In fact, they kinda disgusted me... how fair-weathered they were to people, yet everyone still kissed their a**.

No, I was perfectly happy with my little group of girl friends. I knew I could rely on any of them no matter what! I could still call any of them up to this day and ask for help, and I know they would do their best to do what they could.

Do you think little Miss "Drop my 'friends' where ever I choose" could say that about her HS friends? Yeah...I think probably not.

Yet, here I am years out of HS and I'm having to deal with this HS drama of the "mean girl".

This is my fourth year at the school I am currently teaching at.
I was the "mean girl's" focus my first 2 years.
Thankfully, I met my bestie (Laura) and she helped me to stay strong through those two years.

Last year, her focus moved (just ever so slightly) to 2 other gals on our side of the hall.
They planned with Laura and I, and because of that, they were dropped from "the inner circle".

The year before they had planned with her... She didn't like the change.
So she turned on them.

This year, I thought the "mean girl" had taken a break.
She actually talks and laughs and jokes with me and Laura this year.
She invites us to share in the things she is doing.

(Trust me... I hadn't forgotten the past... just sighed a sigh of relief that things weren't so stressful amongst our grade level.)

Until today.

Today, I found out that the new teacher in our hall (I love her!! She makes me smile every day!) has become the "mean girl's" target.

Our newbie told me that she goes home and cries every day that she has interaction with the "mean girl" BUT that it is even worse on the days that the mean girl and her clan (yes. she has followers, just like in HS) don't even acknowledge her.

My heart just broke for her.
I tried to reassure her that I would be there for her.
...That the "mean girl" is like that to a lot of people.

But I know that doesn't make it any better or easier.

Tell me again why mean girls are allowed out of HS?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Klingons are NOT my favorite...

So, I went on a second date with this guy.
The first coffee date went fine. He by no means blew me out of the water, but he didn't make me want to run for the hills either.

Then the texting started.
He started telling me about the imagined life he saw of us spending together.

Now, mind you, we had just had coffee. Nothing else. No hanky panky. No hand holding. No kissing. Nada! Just Coffee!!!

We had already made plans for a second date before all of the explicit text began arriving... and I'm not really someone who backs out on a commitment, so I decided it would be fine. We would go on our date and I could clear up the fact that he was moving way too fast. Also, he has a teenage daughter and he had told me that she would be joining us. That might freak some people out, but actually I was relieved because I figured he wouldn't try anything with his teenage daughter there, would he??

Saturday arrived... and I can honestly say I wasn't excited for my date, but I had decided I would make the best of this situation. This is where I should have just stopped myself and turned and walked away. I mean, if your not excited for a date before it happens... it probably shouldn't happen, right?

But I suppose I am a glutton for punishment...

So as I'm getting ready, he texts me that his daughter had spent the night at a friend's house and had decided to make it a double nighter, so it would just be the two of us. Again, this should have made me excited to spend alone time with him... but, it didn't.

I arrive at his house. (don't worry... his address was given to my friends with strong husbands with the instructions to call and check in on me and if I didn't respond to "Come find me!!!" ~ hey a gal can never be too careful these days!)

He cooked dinner.
We went and played putt putt.
I definitely did not play my best game as he tried to get all handsy... and despite me continuously removed his hands, he didn't get the message.

We went back to his house. He wanted us to watch a movie.
I told him that my friends expected me at a certain time.

He acted shocked! "I was kinda hoping you'd stay here."

Whoa! Buddy! Obviously you don't know me at all!!!
"No. That will definitely NOT be happening!! "

"But why???"

I politely explained why... he still didn't get it.

Yeah... I left shortly there after. He could tell he had crossed a line. ...Or at least I thought he could.

This morning I get a text.
He told me he wished he was waking up next to me and asked me if I would come watch the game with him today.

I decided I would clear the air of any fogginess that might still be lingering in his brain.
So, I called him and told him that we would not be seeing each other again.
"Okay, well I have to get in the shower."

"Wow... That was too easy!" I thought to myself.

Two minutes later, I got a text. "So will I be hearing from you again?"
Me: No.
Him: Well, keep my number. I'll erase yours. Future contact should probably be initiated by you.

WTF... do guys just not get it? I had just verbally and through text told him I would not be contacting him... why would I need to keep his number??

Me: I will not be contacting you.
Him: I just don't want to lose you.

Again... he would have had to have had me first in order to lose me... Maybe I don't understand this whole dating thing... am I missing something here??

Friday, September 24, 2010

Bedtime Stories!!!

What made me smile this week...

Sam "reading" me a bedtime story!!!

Winking with Colby (& with Dr. Suess)!!!

My son's silly bands... and not missing any words on the page!!!

Letting him read HOWEVER he feels most comfortable!!!

Sharing the love of reading with my children!!!

What makes you

Intentional Happiness

Bad Mommy Moments !!!!!!=intentional happiness
Momalom !!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

A little ray

I have been having a tough year with my class this year.
I try not to blog about it because no one ever wants to hear a "Negative Nelly", but in the same sense I blog to get it all out... the good... the bad... and the ugly.

I had forgotten how happy my class last year made me.
How much I loved coming to school every day!
How I left the day energized, not beaten down.

Today, one of my students from last year came down to see me.
The reason he came to see me was a simple one.... he needed a screw driver... he knew I had one.... he had used it many times last year. (He is a very mechanically inclined child!)

He looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "I knew I could count on you Ms. T. I always could!"

It was just what I needed...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I don't know if I would call it a SUPER power...

So I am discovering that I have this strange "power" over men.
When I meet them, I guess I give them this overwhelming sense of familiarity and comfort.
Guys tend to tell me way more than they should.
I tend to get, "I feel like we have known each other forever."

They show all the cards they have been dealt and then some.
Sometimes this honesty is nice.
But other times it is overwhelming.

Like I would never reveal on a first date my financial problems (if I had any).
I would also never tell them that I could see us in a relationship together... even if I felt it, I wouldn't say it after our first date.

My friend Laura says it is because I know how to "just hang" with guys. I look at them when they are talking and since I don't act nervous, they feel this "instant" connection.

But these "instant" connections make me want to hyperventilate.
I feel like they are quickly moving forward when I just want to enjoy the here and now.
It makes me put up my walls because if I don't put on the brakes, then who will?

I just want to know am I wrong for not wanting to go with the flow of these "instant" connections? Am I missing out on something?

Monday, September 20, 2010

How are THEY affected?

I hate that my ex, R. and W. broke up.
I don't hate it for him ...or for her ...or for me.
I hate it for my kids.

In the past 4 years, they have seen R. & my relationship end, Spencer and my relationship end, and now R. & W's.

I fear that my sons will grow up not knowing what a "normal" adult relationship looks like.

I don't want them to think that when the going gets tough, someone in the relationship leaves.
I know I haven't played my cards that way...I have stayed in realtionships that should have ended way earlier, but still, my relationships haven't exactly panned out either.

I want them to know that true loving relationships consider the other person's feelings to a point that they would never without question want to hurt them in any way.

But it is hard.

It is hard because, as of right now, I can only talk the talk.... walking the walk isn't in the cards for me right now.
...and the end of this relationship actually has me more fearful to seek out a new one (not because I don't want one, because I truly do) but because I don't want my boys to see another one end.

“There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.”

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Cross connections

I have had a lot of cross connections happening to me lately.

I mean, you all know about my date a few weeks back.

Then I found out that my friend Kelly is dating a guy who used to hang out with my cousin.

The most recent was this.

Thursday, my ex calls me. He tells me that him and W. are done.

Then, Friday is homecoming. My boys are in the homecoming parade. Their team is riding on a float. I am standing around taking pictures.

As the parade gets ready to begin, the driver of the truck asks me if I would like to ride up front so as to not be left behind.

"Sure." I say... The guy looks familiar. I "know" lots of people from the school that my ex teaches at... I just don't always "know" who they are. I'm guessing he must be a dad of one of the players...

He and I hold polite conversation. He mentions that maybe he should get together some hay bales and have a hayride later this fall. I respond with, "Yeah... that sounds like fun."

About that time, someone watching the parade shouts, "Hey Mike!" and waves.

Like a wrecking ball knocking me over, I realize whom I am sitting next to... W.'s dad.
My ex's girlfriend's (ex-girlfriend?) freakin' dad!!!!!!!!

Yeah... I'm sure there are people out in the world that are okay with all these cross connections... I'm not sure I am one of them.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

My life is a Lifetime Movie

So, Thursday, my ex calls me. He tells me that him and W. are done.
He explains all the drama that is going on in their relationship.
I lend a listening ear.
He then says that he thinks she has been cheating on him.

(Part of me thinks it is karma... but the other part of me feels sorry for him.)

He says "it's fine".

I stop him in mid-sentence.

I tell him it is not fine! Never once is someone cheating on someone else, fine!

He says he is sorry... that he knows he hurt me.

I blow it off and continue with my rant...
I wanted him to know someone cheating on him (even though he did it to me.) is not, nor never will be, fine.

Then, Friday, it is homecoming. My boys are in the homecoming parade. Their team is riding on a float. I am standing around taking pictures.

As the parade gets ready to begin, the driver of the truck asks me if I would like to ride up front so as to not be left behind.

"Sure." I say... The guy looks familiar. I "know" lots of people from the school that my ex teaches at... I just don't always "know" who they are. I'm guessing he must be a dad of one of the players...

He and I hold polite conversation. He mentions that maybe he should get together some hay bales and have a hayride later this fall. I respond with, "Yeah... that sounds like fun."

About that time, someone watching the parade shouts, "Hey Mike!" and waves.

Like a wrecking ball knocking me over, I realize whom I am sitting next to... W.'s dad.

My ex's girlfriend's (ex-girlfriend?) freakin' dad!!!!!!!!

Yeah... I'm sure there are people out in the world that are okay with all these cross connections... I'm not sure I am one of them.

Who wants the starring role in this Lifetime drama?? ...cause I don't.

insect invasion

I'm not really that fond of insects... but I'm not really "afraid" of them either.

(Mice, on the other hand,... *shudder*)

I mean, in HS (as my own little "social" experiment) I used to catch small little house spiders... allow them to live and spin a web in the confined area I had placed them in... and then catch slightly larger house spiders and place them into the confined area.

The small little spider always won... chasing and catching the large spider... and eventually having it for dinner.
It was like "home turf advantage".

I know that all seems a little strange... but I applied it to my life.

It help me to remind myself that even though I didn't "run" with the popular crowd... Some time, some day, I would have the home turf advantage. It wouldn't matter the "size" of attitute coming my way... I would be able to handle it with speed and grace.

I feel like that is true with my life now. I have friends that make me feel like I am part of the "in" crowd because they like me for me. I feel like I can take on the world most days...

I haven't kept spiders in years, but somehow "they" got the invite that it was okay to visit recently...

and they sent a praying mantice bully me to take over my remote. WTF is that all about??

These "big dogs" have been visiting my life a lot lately (and not just in insect form)... but guess what??
I'm the little one with the home turf advantage!

Friday, September 17, 2010

So I hate to be alone...

It's Friday.
I take off early to see the boys in the homecoming parade.
I head out to dinner with my friend Rachel.

We have an awesome time. We always do.
I'm not ready for the night to end.
I'm not ready to be alone.

We head out for coffee.
I try to talk her into a movie as well.
Her teenage daughter who is home "babysitting" her little brother is done.

Rachel says she has to go.
I tell Rachel it is fine.
We'll catch one another time.

I'm not ready to go home and be alone.
I head to the movie theater.
I have never went and watched a movie by myself... it is depressing.

There were only myself and 2 other couples in the theater.... that made it even more depressing.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Well... what I want to tell you about, I can't.

I can't because I have certain people who follow my blog... that I wished didn't follow my blog and because they do...

Well... because they do... I'm not going to write about what I want to write about.

Let me just say....

I started this blog for me. write about things that are affecting me. give things from my perspective.
...and when I am asked to censor me, it doesn't sit well with me.

Can I say again that this blog is for me?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

What I can't tell her

My friend Angela's mother passed away this weekend.

Tomorrow is the funeral.
I won't be attending.
I went and stayed with her during the visitation.
That was hard enough.

You see... What I can't tell her is ...that it sucks!

It sucks to not have your mom there.

It sucks to feel like no one else in the world would understand... but you know your mom would, and there is no direct line to that person any more.

It sucks when you dream that dream that her death wasn't real... because when you wake up, it is.

It sucks that whenever you hear of some one's loved one, especially their mom dying, a little bit of you re-dies all over again.
... and even though you want to be there for them, emotionally it just kills you!

It sucks that you personally know the pain... the unreeling pain... that they are experiencing.
...and there is nothing that you (or anyone else for that matter) can do to take that pain away.

But see... I can't tell her that. Not now.
For now, she has to experience it first-hand.
...and that sucks!

What is my body doing to me?? - Post It Note Tuesday

That One Mom

Monday, September 13, 2010

The year from Haiti

So... I have had rough years before.

In fact, I think it brings joy to my counselor to know she is gonna give me a list with the name of the "tough one" because she knows that they will come out of my room a little "less rough".

Well... my "the tough one" this year does something wrong, only to cut his eyes my direction to see if I'm paying attention... and then smirks.

He knows exactly what he is doing!

...and if he was the only "tough one" I was dealing with, those smirks wouldn't get me.
Those smirks would be absorbed with no acknowledgement because I know that is exactly what he wants.

But see... he's got some fellow compadres that are pushing on my buttons as well.

I've got one that is reading on an early 1st grade reading level (in 3rd grade).
Anything we do, he sits and ignores me... and while he is ignoring me, he is making noises ...or talking ...or poking on another student ...or breaking apart erasers and throwing them ...or (insert you own annoying thing here and he probably does it!)

I realize this is because everything we do is so far above his head, but he has jumped schools so much that he has yet to be tested ...and according to my school's policy, we have to do so many rounds of interventions before we can test him.
Let me clarify for all you non-educators out there.... this means he won't be tested until Christmas (at the earliest) and knowing his moving history, he will be gone by then. But until that happens(either the testing or the moving), I have to deal with his antics.

I've also got another little girl who was in my class last year. Last year she was that kid that was lost because things were too hard for her. Her parents agreed to hold her back. It has done wonders for her... and her self-confidence... Whereas last year, I couldn't get her to open her mouth for anything, this year, I can't get her to stop talking! Even though she knows my classroom rules, she is acting like this is her first rodeo and is doing everything to get into trouble.

but the kicker...Today, my class got in trouble in PE.
PE for Pete's sake!!!
How in the world do you get in trouble in PE??

Last week, they got a zero in Music.
The most your class can earn is a 5.
The lowest I have ever heard a class earn is a 2.
My class got a freakin' zero!!!!!

I am exhausted by lunch time every day.
Days that I am not tired until mid afternoon, I consider a great day!
Today was not one of those days...

My son, Colby, ran a fever all day. My ex took off with him today.
I am taking off with him tomorrow.
Normally, I would dread being gone this early in the school year, but I can honestly say, after today, I need a break...

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I remember that day...

I remember that day... September 11, 2001...

My janitor was always stopping by my classroom to tell me his latest joke.

That morning, he stopped by my door and said, "Did you hear about the twin towers?" (I thought it was the beginning of another joke)

"No. What about them?" I said smirking.

"A plane flew into them."

I pause, thinking..."A plane flew into them... what?" (Really not understanding his joke!)

"No, a plane flew into them," he restated himself.

"I don't get it." I said completely confused.

"The twin towers. In New York. A plane. It flew into them. They think it is a terrorist attack."

"WHAT!!!!???" I shouted.

As the tragedy continued to unfold, we rotated and squeezed our classes into the Art room...the only TV available with live news feed.

I remember watching as people jumped from sky risers.

I think back to how I exposed fourth graders to that. Something I couldn't comprehend myself... and I exposed nine and ten year olds to it.

As I tried to explain to their young minds what was going on, I cried.
I cried because I knew (my then) brother-in-law was in the army and that he would be part of this fight.
I cried because I was scared.
I was scared for what was happening and what was to come.
We were then informed that gas prices would soon sky rocket.
Slowly, our principal let us leave a couple at a time to head to the closest gas station.
When I arrived, the gas station was packed. People were not being their courteous selves like I am used to in this area. They squeezed their cars as close to the next pump as possible, acting as if there was a total of 6 inches between them and the person pumping, they might loose their spot.
After I pumped, I headed inside to pay. I asked the gas station attendant how she was doing. She told me that her boss had called 20 minutes before and told her to up the prices, but in order for that to happen, she would have to turn off the pumps and there hadn't been a break for that to happen. Then the phone rang. It was her boss again. She told him that if he wanted to come and fight off the people pumping, while he turned off the pumps, then he could come fight, but she wasn't doing it!

When I arrived back to school, chaos was beginning to unfold. Parents were quickly arriving, taking their children and fearing for their safety.

It was such a confusing time.

Many of the kids, whose parents hadn't picked them up, cried. They worried about whether or not their parents were okay. Even though we didn't live any where near NYC, they didn't understand that. All they knew was something scary was happening and their parents weren't right there.

The images played and replayed as we wandered in and out of the Art room.
I didn't know what to feel or how to react.

Teaching, at that time, seemed foreign.
The kids, that were there, were in no state to receive or retain new knowledge.
I do remember doing a read aloud... taking them to a different time, a different place than this one we were currently all experiencing.
I thought about talking to my students this year about that day 9 years ago... the year that most of them were born in.

But I asked myself:

Do I want to relive those thoughts in front of another group of students?
Will I be scaring (and scarring) another group of students with knowledge I can't explain?
Will parents be upset with that decision of talking about a moment of our nation's history?

I don't know what I will do...

I hold in the highest regards to the men and women that gave their life that day.
It will always be etched in my brain.
Somehow, I wish it was a joke I just didn't get.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

another year older

So... I'm turning 35 today.
Birthdays have always been like water rolling off a duck's back to me.
No big thing... turning another year older.
(In fact, most years I celebrated the passing of the previous year.)

30? Ha! I laughed in 30's face! Who cared that the first number was a 3 instead of a 2?
(I had had my 2 babies before I was 30 just like I had wanted. )

Each year since, I have found a reason why this year's age was better than the last...I say I didn't come into my own until I was in my 30's.

But here I am at 35... I have never not wanted to turn an age as much as I don't want to turn 35.

I know it is just a frame of mind, but this 35 year old doesn't have anyone (a significant other) to spend her birthday with... and I guess I always thought that it was okay that I was left by my husband at 32 because by the time I hit that dreaded 35, I would be with someone new and we would live happily ever after.

Okay... I'm not sure about the happily ever after part... but I thought for sure I would be with someone.

Not that I need someone to make me happy... but on that one day out of the whole year that is yours...I just wish I had someone to spoil me...

Thankfully, I have aunts who must have known that I would be taking myself out for dinner this year...

(yes, I still love getting cards and "presents" for my birthday! :)

So here I am... Rolling over the crest of that 30 hill and trying with all my might to take on this philosophy:“The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.”