Monday, March 28, 2011

Dare I say it?

I'm happy.
The end of school is within sight.
My boys are wonderful and healthy. (fingers crossed -they say healthy)
...and me? 

Well... there is no man in the picture.
Lots of guys I talk to.
Some guys that want to take me out here or there.
But no ONE.
Strangely enough... I'm good.

I find myself being the person that is saying to others who have just started on the divorce/dating journey, "It's okay.  It's normal to feel broken.  You will find yourself again.  Give yourself time.  And breathe.  I know right now even remembering to breathe is a struggle... but it does get better."

I wonder sometimes how I have made it to this place... this place of not feeling completely broken.  This place of being okay. 

I know a LOT of it has to do with this place right here... this blog!
Spewing out my emotions when they haven't always been pretty.
Trying to find honesty inside myself to actually deal with the hurt and the pain.
Trying to make sense of it all.

I am finally to the place that I can say "I deserve better." and actually mean it for myself.
Others have been saying it to me for years... but I didn't believe them.  How could I?  I felt like I was the door mat of any guy that needed a place to wipe his feet.  I was so desperate for love and to be loved that I couldn't see that loving yourself fully needed to come first.

I now know it though.  I know I have people who love and care for me... and want  to be around me because of who I am... not whether I am part of a couple.
See??  That was part of the broken me.
Thinking something was wrong with me if I wasn't with someone.

Friday night I sat in a room full of friends... everyone else was with their husband or boyfriend... and then there was me. 

But I made a realization.
That is how it has always been!

When I was married to R., he was always gone on baseball stuff... and it was my couple friends... and me.
When I was dating Spencer, he lived too far away to be part of my life here...and it was my couple friends... and me.

It has always been just me!

It has just taken me this long to realize it... that I truly have always been alone in my relationships.
So why not be happy in just me?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday Confessional~I'm a mess


I confess...
being sick over my spring break sucked.  But having an actual reason to do nothing but sleep for 4 straight days, was wonderful!!

I confess...
that even though it is flattering that a 23 year old thinks I'm hotter than most of the 20 yr olds around him... it pisses me off when he thinks he can treat me like the 20 yr girls.  I am a woman!!! How about a little respect??  So whatever the girls your age are willing to text you... You won't be getting those things from me!

I confess...
that I am actually glad I went through HS with the lack of "knowledge".  My innocence saved me from a LOT of heartache... and STD's.

I confess...
that even though I know how to do my job and teach on my own... I have always had a fellow teacher who supports me... who reminds me of what I'm supposed to be doing when my mind has drawn a blank. 

I confess...
that I'm scared who that person will be next year (if I even have one) because my bestie has taken a 2nd grade position. *sigh*

I confess...
that I tend to volunteer my time... and then regret the time lost from volunteering... yet I love the appreciation that comes from it.

I confess...
that I haven't go out on a date in the month of March... so I said that is what I was giving up for Lent (LOL)... and then I got asked out today.

I confess...
that I only broke my Lenten promise because the guy wants to take me to see an Elton John concert.  That's a valid reason, right?

Monday, March 21, 2011

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies.

It's amazing how my children have learned the ability of the underlying jab.

Sam: I was hoping for a puppy for my birthday.  I was told I would be getting a puppy for my birthday.  I didn't get a puppy for my birthday.  I was then hoping for a puppy for Christmas. I didn't get a puppy for Christmas.  I was really hoping I would get a puppy.  What do you think about a puppy?

I told Sam that was his dad's promise... That I  would not be getting a puppy.

Last week, I guess, my ex, R, decided that Sam's "Puppy Monologue" had gone on long enough because I got this picture.

R split the cost of the puppy with his new girlfriend, K.
She has a son as well and they thought it was a good idea for the boys to "share" the dog.

One day in and the 3 boys are arguing whose dog it was.
Sam comes running inside to R and K.

Sam: Whose dog is it??
R: You are all sharing the dog... it is all of yours.
Sam:  Yeah, but whose dog is it when you and K break up???
R: .... uh.....(looking at K and then back at Sam)... it will be your dog.
Sam: okay (smile beaming)

See??... There's that underlying jab...
But the sad reality is that my children don't believe in relationships that last...

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Chicken soup for the... soul??

I have been SOO sick.

I am a teacher. 
I get exposed to multiple germs on a daily basis.
My body knows how to fight them off.
So if I get sick, you know it's a whopper of nastiness!

I'm guessing what I had was the flu.
I hurt so bad I couldn't move.
I ran around a 102 fever for days.
One minute I felt like I was freezing to death, the next I would be sweating profusely.

The worst part... I was alone.

Sure,  I don't want people around me when I am sick.
I don't want to infect others with the misery that I am experiencing.
But I had forgotten... I had forgotten how nice it was to have someone take care of you when you can't take care of yourself.

I wanted chicken noodle soup.
Not the out-of-the-can kind, but the homemade make-you-feel-better kind.
I got everything out and on the stove to cook.
That took ALL the energy I had.
I ended up taking a nap from cooking soup!!!

Most days I feel like I do an okay job on my own.
Obviously I haven't found the "right" guy for me yet.
But I think when I do find one, he will need to know how to make a good chicken noodle soup.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Whenever you need me, Just call, and I'll be there

My younger brother calls me tonight.
He is asking for advice... and needing a listening ear.
My boys kept saying, "You're still on the phone with Uncle Tim??!!"

After I am finally off the phone, I explained to my boys that when they are grown, they will call each other just to talk or for advice.
...or maybe they will call me.

Then fighting my voice from cracking, I say, "I wish I could still call my mom still sometimes..."

You can see Sam's wheels turning. "Is she in heaven?" he asks.
"Yep." I reply nodding.

"Well... then... you can call up to heaven, Mom... it's called a prayer."

Such insight for a five year old.

And for this, I am thankful

I know I complain sometimes...
but I shouldn't.

I have a family...
a family that extends way beyond bloodlines.

I have friends...
friends that get my quirky nature and love me for it... and that I consider family.

I have my children...
who allow me to fulfill my childhood dream on a daily basis and make my life complete.

I am healthy...
I don't have the scare of facing a doctor on a weekly basis telling me my days are numbered.

I have a job...
a job that even though the majority of the world tells me they could never do, I love it!

I have a home...
not just a roof over my head, but a home, a place that I enjoy coming to, a place of security and comfort.

I have faith...
that has sustained me through many trials and tribulations and even though I sometimes feel alone... I truly know I am not.

I know I complain sometimes...
but I shouldn't...
for I have much  more to be thankful for than I have to complain about...
and for this, I am thankful.

What are you thankful for?

Intentional Happiness
Intentional Happiness
What makes you happy??

Monday, March 7, 2011

Fair Weather Friends

I admit it... I'm kinda an overprotective mom.
I can't help it.
The thought of something bad happening to my children is just too much for me to bear.

With that being said, I don't let my kids travel far to go play with others in our neighborhood.
There are LOTS of kids a couple of blocks away, but I don't know them... or their families.
We do have one set of kids that lives just 2 houses down from us. 
It is close enough that I let my boys play in their yard... or they come play in our yard.

Notice... I said, YARD.
That way I can always hear and see them anytime I feel the need to check.

This weekend, the weather finally decided to cooperate for outside play.
Yeah... I think the boys missed their neighborhood friends...
Maybe I need to loosen the reigns just a little.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Sometimes it's just best if you get it out

So I let my ex (R) have it this morning.
Sometimes the emotions that he can cause to surface makes me feel like a crazy woman.
Thankfully (I guess) he laughs it off and takes it all in stride.

It started because he told me he couldn't keep our boys tonight because Wednesday nights are "date nights" for him and his new gf.
I don't mind keeping my boys ever.... that wasn't the problem.
The problem was... that when R and I were married, he didn't bother taking time out for my birthday, much less, a weekly date night.
I told him that besides our boys, he gave me the worst of him.
He tried to say that his "date night" is nothing fancy.
I told him that, when I was with him, I never asked for fancy, I just wanted him to want to be with me.

Don't get me wrong... I have NO desire to be back with this man.
But it does make me question how he couldn't even bother for me.

So I told him he sucked.
That I wanted him to start his day knowing that he sucked.
He sucked for causing me to now not trust any male.
He sucked for not trying in our marriage.
He sucked at making me pissed off at something positive.
He just needed to know he sucked.

He responded that I am a much stronger person because of all of this.
True. I am.
(I am also more fearful of commitment and less trusting.)
Back when I was "less strong", I kept my opinions/feelings to myself... I internalized all guilt and took it upon myself because obviously I must have done something wrong...
But not now!!
Nope. This "stronger" gal is giving it to the man.
I'm saying my piece.