Thursday, February 21, 2013

Peering through life's window

The icy weather closed everything around me down... and I'm fine with that.
Being trapped in my house where I have to stay in my pajamas and wrapped in a blanket isn't a bad thing in my eyes.

In fact, I enjoy it.

Sure... I miss my boys, but I know that I do a disservice to them come snowing/icy wintery days.  I want nothing to do with that outside nastiness.

So, when I got my call this morning that school was cancelled, I was happy to curl back into my cozy bed all the time knowing that my boys would get to hang out outside with their dad.

What I hadn't factored into my snow day was Ty's kids... you see, my boys know how much their momma despises the cold, but Ty's kids had to learn it today.

They just couldn't understand how I wouldn't want to go sledding.
(I like to sled in fluffy white snow when the wind isn't blowing, not across sleet when pelts of ice continuously hit you in the face. - I know. I know... I'm spoiled like that.)

So I promised to watch them through the window.

I don't know why... but I feel like I'm watching my life a lot through a window lately.
I guess it is because of the uncertainty of many things in my life right now.

1 - I have been asked to apply for a district tech position - One that I could realistically get... and it makes me want to hyperventilate because I know it is a great opportunity and it's more money... but I'm afraid I will miss my kids. I mean, like, really miss them.

2 - My cake decorating business has the potential to explode. I've been asked to advertise and been throwing around the idea of selling on Etsy. I have 3 orders in the next 4 weeks.  This all sounds great... and it is... but I'm not sure I'm ready to be that busy.

3 - Ty and I relationship is going great... and I'm sure most of you would wonder "Why is that a problem?" It's not... but it is.  I'm afraid... afraid that it is going to blow up and that I just can't see it.  My sister-in-law, LeaAnn asked me the other day if I thought that he and I would get married some day.  I couldn't give her a definite answer.  One reason I couldn't is because Ty's dad came home from his California trip telling of how he ran into an old friend and they asked about Ty and I. Ty's dad responded to them, "They are great, but I doubt Ty will ever get married again."
I realize those are Ty's dad's words and not Ty's...and I realize that we haven't even been dating 6 months yet, but I guess LeaAnn's words resounded in my ears when she asked, "I don't think you two should rush things, but do you think he will ever want to get married? and, if not, are you okay with that?"

and I can't honestly say that I am...
...but in the same breath, I like spending my snow days alone curled in a blanket doing nothing.

Friday, February 8, 2013

She is a different child... and for this I am glad

I feel like I have had all these things that I have wanted to sit down and say...
and yet, I haven't had the time.

No time for blogging... I suppose I should view that as a good thing... I mean, my life is filled with time with my man and my boys...  but my brain doesn't ever seem empty.

Blogging empties my brain.

So... here I am on a Friday night emptying my brain so I can sleep.

Last year, I went and talked to a second-grader because her dad was abusive and they had moved into a safe house. I was called upon because I had been there myself.

This year, I have that child.

I don't think of that day very often because she is a different child this year.
She is outgoing and spunky.
She is friendly and humorous.

...and it makes me wonder...
how she broke that shell so quickly?
And why I still feel like I am still some days breaking out of that barrier that I put that many years ago as a child.

Yes, I'm glad that she didn't have to make it to adulthood and still question her mother's decisions to go back repeatedly to an abusive man... and wonder if that is why her opinion of relationships is so poor... or if that came with her own wrongdoings.

No, I'm glad she isn't faced with all of that... because she is truly a different child.