Tuesday, February 28, 2012

It's the ones you aren't looking for that get you

My ex, R. knows me.
He knows how to push my buttons.
The thing is... lately.. he has been pushing buttons of mine I don't think he knew existed.
Like the "We get along and everything is great" button.
You'd think that was a good button, but you see... I wasn't the one who was the demise of our marriage, he was... and so when he is too nice to me, I slip.
Don't get me wrong... I don't slip in the sense that I want to be back with him, but I slip in the fact that my mind goes to that place that never was and never will be...
What our life would have been like if things had worked out... the perfect little family that I always wanted.
It's a twisted thought, I know... because I don't want to be back with R, I just want that "perfect family."
But when R. pushes that "We get along and everything is great" button, my only defense is to push away and be mean... because in my eyes things aren't always great.

Monday, February 27, 2012

25 more random things about me

A few years ago, I shared 25 random things about myself.
I have changed and evolved... even though a majority of those random things haven't changed... I figured I could add a few more.

1. I trust others' judgement before my own.
2. If I tell you I will be there, I will be there. I don't change plans unless it is out of my control.
3. I am purposefully "fashionably late". I don't like to be early and have that awkward feeling.
4. I would pick up and travel with anyone anywhere. I have always been this way.
5. I love having a best friend that I tell everything to.
6. I seriously think most days that I should go to a counselor.
7. I fully believe things happen for a reason.
8. I believe in love... just not sure it's in my cards any more.
9. I think I am a better friend to guys than I am to girls... but I don't second guess things I tell to girls.
10. I over-analyze most of my life.
11. I believe God sends people into your life to send you messages you wouldn't have heard from anyone else.
12.When my mind is cluttered, so is my house.
13. I am an insomniac... more so on the nights I don't have my boys.
14. I'm not sure I will ever have a student teacher again... I miss being in front of my students too much.
15. I worry about if something ever happened to me... would my boys remember me?
16. Some days it's hard for me to remember my mom...
17. My favorite color is green because my eyes are green.
18. I don't like coconut!!  Not the smell, not the taste, not the texture, none!  I sometimes tell people I'm allergic to it because I dislike it so much!
19. Because I was heavier when my hair was long, I worry I will get heavier again because I am growing out my hair.
20. I wish I had my masters... I have missed out on MANY collegiate job opportunities because I don't have it.
21. I worry that I will become paranoid schizophrenic like my dad.
22. I can find the humor in most conversations no matter how boring they are.
23. I am not good at keeping "files", but I can lift up a pile of papers I've created and locate the one paper I need.
24. When I get hungry, I get like a grumpy bear. Grrrr.
25. In an idealistic world, I would like to have a daughter. This desire grows more and more each day.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Boobie traps, fish, and bears OH MY!

My students and boys are always saying crazy things... things that I think are hilarious at the time, but by the time I sit down to share them with all of you... I have completely forgotten them.

Well... in the last week, I have had a few... and I wanted to share before they have left my brain and are gone forever.

Last Thursday I said to my bestie, Laura, (in front of Sam) "Sam is going to be the crown bearer tomorrow night."
Sam's eyebrows raised. His eyes squinted. Then he shook his head, "Mom, I am not!!"
"Yes, you are Sam... tomorrow. You are going to carry the crown." I replied.
"Yeah... I'm gonna do that. But I'm not going to be a bear!!  I'm wearing a tie... you know that!!"

Yesterday I asked a student how she knew an answer.  She answered, "Because I have mental tilapia."

Tonight as my boys are playing in the other room, Colby in a very sinister voice says, "Come. Walk into my boobie trap."
Without missing a beat, Sam replies, "I'll catch you in my nipple trap!"

And that my friends is why my life is consistently filled with joy.

I'll also leave you with a picture or two of where my class spent writing time today... it's not every February day we get 70* weather.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Too busy to notice that I'm too busy

Well... I'd like to tell you that I know where all my time has gone...
I mean... I do know where my time has gone...
What I'm trying to say is that I have been busy.

The last two months have been just plain craziness with basketball ...and snow days ...and Homecoming, ...and, ...and, ...and.

But you know what?
Looking back through my pictures... I have realized that things are flying by.
Time with my boys is flying by.
I won't ever get this time back.

So... I'm gonna be a reminiscent mom today.
These are the things that propel my life forward... that I'm glad I took the time to take notice... because those days are gone and I will never be able to get them back.

Basketball - Basketball has filled our weekends to the point that I need a weekend from my weekend... but I love to see my boys active and part of something.

Snow days - despite our crazy warm weather, we were graced with 2 quick snow days.  The boys colored their snowman and we had cuddling time inside.

Homecoming - Sam was given the privilege of being the crown bearer. It makes my brain fast forward 10 years and see Prom in his future... which makes me want to hyperventilate... because wasn't it just yesterday that he was a newborn??

Nature- I have tried to take time with my new camera to capture some of the beauty of the world around me... maybe when I have more time...

Warm days - And just like the Homecoming pictures made me fast forward for Sam... these made me fast forward for Colby... He looks so grown up. He acts so grown up. He is no longer my little one who sits on my lap and rubs my hair.

Yes. I think my world needs to slow down.
Yes. I think my children need to stop growing up so fast.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Remember when you looked forward to Valentine's Day?? OR Why Valentine's Day sucks when your single

My boys are beside themselves that we are out of school today... sure, the newly fallen snow plays a part in that... but there is also the fact that we prepared Valentine's Day cards that will not get distributed until tomorrow... the day after Valentine's Day.

I wish I could muster up that kind of excitement for this day of love. When I think of Valentine's Day now, the exact word that comes to mind is, "Meh."

I know this comes from knowing I'm not going to have beautiful roses sent my way.
Or have a mushy, gushy card handed to me.
Or I especially won't be getting anything in the shape of a little box.

But more than anything it is because the last Valentine's Day I was "with" someone ended with him breaking my heart and me breaking up with him.

Have I gotten over him?

But there is still that undesirable aspect of a holiday that is ALL about love when my heart was crushed then.
Here's to finding a guy that changes how I feel about this holiday...

Monday, February 13, 2012

The lessons I've learned... and are trying to pass on

Surprisingly (to me) I have been placed in the position to counsel many a person through/after their divorce.  Don't get me wrong... I am no expert here.  I have no doctoral degree hanging on my wall. What I do have is a degree of Hard Knocks.  I have seen it, lived it, survived it.
Here is the most recent advice I have given... it was weighing on my brain and I needed to get it out... to validate it, I guess.

1. Don't put your children in the middle. Watch your comments. Watch your actions. If it will hurt them in  any way when thinking/talking about your ex. Don't. Repeat to yourself, "Don't."

2. Continue to love your ex's family. They did nothing to you. This is not their fight.  They will support their child... that is parental instinct. Doesn't mean they care about you any less.  You were family to them for many years... that love doesn't stop over night.  Don't let yours.

3. Don't forget friendships. Friends will take sides... at least most of them.  This is normal.  In a fight, that's what happens.  If a friendship is worth holding onto, fight for it! Fight for them to stay friends with the both of you if they don't want to take a side... better than to not have a friend at all.

4. No material possession is worth the fight. It might feel like it at the time... but keeping your sanity and being able to walk away with that in tack is much more important than any possession.

5. Don't hold your emotions in... let them out. It is normal to be pissed. It is normal to not be able to look at that other person without such hatred that you never thought you could have... especially towards someone you once loved.  But that shows that that person truly meant something to you.  Don't deny yourself those feelings.  They will subside over time.  That hurt won't be quite so strong one day... but only if you let it out.

6. Love those around you. Your children, your friends, your family.  They will become a leaning post even when you thought you could stand on your own.... and most importantly when you can't.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

We MIGHT have our natural disasters mixed up here...

I laugh and joke with my secretaries all the time.
It's true what they say about... make sure you are in good with the secretaries, cooks, and janitors for they run the school.
Two days ago was the 200th anniversary of the New Madrid earthquake.  In honor of it, we had a school-wide earthquake drill.
Now let me just tell you, we don't get a lot of earthquakes around this area...I mean, 200 years have passed. Tornadoes, yes. Earthquakes, no.

The earthquake drill was supposed to happen while my students were at recess, so I stopped by the office to check and see if I should postpone my recess, or if we should just practice when we returned inside.

When I explained my situation to my secretary, she replied, "Well, I guess you could practice outside. I mean you need to tell the kids to get away from the building and watch out for flying debris."

I stood looking at her... trying to determine if she was joking or not. 
"Flying debris??" I asked laughing, "You know an earthquake makes the ground shake, not pick up and throw things at us, right?"

"Oh. Yeah. Maybe you should stay outside... cause the earthquake might not be throwing things at you, but I might." 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Maybe we need to have a pronunciation lesson...

You never know what conversation you are going to have with a student...

During our morning work time this morning, a student came up to me.
"What's a va-giii-ta?"

Taken back, I sputtered out, "Wh...Wha...What??"

"A va-giii-ta? What is it?"

Motioning for the little boy to come closer I whisper, "Where did you hear that word?" ...thinking he must be repeating a word he heard on the bus.

"I didn't hear it. I just want to know what a va-giii-ta is."

"Okay. okay." Dear Lord... just stop saying that word!!!!!  "How do you know that word?"

"It's on the board."


"Choice A... I don't know what a va-giii-ta is."

"Oh. Fajita."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

“Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall never be disappointed.”

I did it again...
I let a guy play with my emotions.
I'm sure he doesn't even know how much it hurt me.
You see, I got invited to a super bowl party by him.
He told me he would let me know details closer to time.
In guy terms, I'm sure it was nothing.
I have been here before.
Guys say things... in passing... to them, it's just that - talking.
But to me... I don't give an invite unless I plan to make good on it.
That's where I go wrong... I believe that a guy is going to make good on what they say.
I have been hurt time and time again by listening to guys "talk".
I need to do better... for myself.
Not to assume... so I won't be disappointed.

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men... I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential... waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” ― Elizabeth GilbertEat, Pray, Love