Friday, July 29, 2011


Something I didn't go into a lot of detail yesterday was that my friend, D. went along with the boys and I.
He is going through a rough divorce and he just needed a day away.
I needed an extra person to ride in the Zorb ball because it was required that two people ride.
It seemed like a perfect solution.

The car ride was 3 hours... we spent the time delving into each others' lives farther than we already knew of one another.
We arrived early.
We found a little diner in town.
D. (being the gentleman that he is) picked up the tab.
We looked like the perfect little family... I let people assumed that much.
It's been a long time since I got to "play" in that role... the last time was when I dated Spencer... That ended in February 2010.

From there, we were still early.
It was smokin' hot out... and the water was so inviting...
So I let the boys change into their swimsuits and enjoy the cool refreshment of the spring water.

It was then time to Zorb ball!
I was glad that I had D. along though because once we arrived, the Zorb ball people tried to tell me that Sam couldn't ride because he wasn't tall enough. (It had said nothing of the sorts on their website)
Don't get me wrong... I'm a strong woman and can hold my ground, but it is always nice to have someone else there to back you.
The whole reason we were here was because I had ziplined with Colby and this was Sam's "thing".
So after D. and I convinced the folks that Sam would be fine... that he would hold on tight... they let us go.
Zorb balling took only about 30 minutes total.

We had driven 3 hours... None of us were ready to get back in the car for another 3 hour drive we decided to find a local trail and hike.
We ended up at Alley Spring.
It was gorgeous there!

We climbed in caves.

Colby loves climbing high.. so he was in heaven.

Most of the time, Sam didn't want to be left behind.

Sometimes though, they needed some help getting down.

Overall, it was a great day!

When my bestie called to ask how I would describe the day with D. along... all I could say was, "Comfortable."
It's been a long time since I have been able to say that...

Thursday, July 28, 2011

We be ballin' ... Zorb Ballin' that is!!

Yesterday, The boys and I headed 3 hours east to experience Zorb balling.
What is Zorb balling??  You might ask.

Well... it is a giant inflatable ball that you climb in and roll down a hill.
I'll let the pictures do the talking. :)

Holding on...

It's funny the things we hold onto...
Little glimpses of life that has long passed us by.
Little things that we do to help us not forget.

My garage door code is my mom's birthday.
Like I would ever forget my mom's birthday!!
But (just in case) I punch it in... to remember.

A picture of me in my wedding gown sits on my nightstand table.
I am young... and beaming from ear to ear.
I felt like a princess and saw my "perfect" life coming together.
I keep that picture up (just in case) I don't ever feel that way again... to remember.

I have a storage closet in my basement full of baby things.
Things I should have long since gotten rid of... I mean, my boys are 6 and 8.
The prospect of me having another child... well, let's be honest.. that door is slowly closing.
I always thought I would have a houseful of children... okay, maybe not a houseful, but at least three...
But I can't seem to bring myself to part with those teeny tiny things (just in case) because I would love to hold one more of my own some day... and if not ... to remember.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Kindness... pass it on

"25.47" the cashier repeats.
The woman's face flushes.
She glances downward at the bills in her hand.
Then she turns to her elderly mother, "Mom, figure out what we can put back... just one thing and we'll be fine."
At the risk of intruding, I ask, "How much do you need?"
"Ummmm... 47 cents"
"Here, I've got it." I say, digging before the woman can respond.
"Thank you so much!!"

As the woman and her mother walk away, everyone around is surprised by the kindness and starts to vocalize how wonderful it was that I did that... I would hope that if I hadn't, someone else would have.

An elderly man works behind the lemonade stand.
One after another folks walk up, place their order, pay, get their drink and leave.
No conversation is passed between them.
The man barely looks up at them.
It's mundane... one after another.
I step up to his stand.
"It's a hot one out, huh?  I come to your cart every time I come here 'cause you have the best frozen lemonade here!  I don't like that fake stuff."
He looks up at me and smiles... you can tell this is the first real conversation he has had all day.
"Well, then, This one's on me." he says.
I reach out to shake his hand and to thank him.
He holds on.
I smile and and give his hand a little squeeze.
"Thanks. You made my day." he says.
"No, thank you... you made mine."

Remember... it's not the big things that mean the world...

Friday, July 22, 2011

Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step to the summit.

My circle of friends who are divorced or going through a divorce continues to grow.
This truly saddens me.
I never imagined I would be part of this elite common group.

Because becoming part of this group is a struggle, I always try to aide anyone that I can with any advice I can give. I don't view my advice as perfect.  I don't view my advice as being for everyone. I just view it as... if I can help someone ease their way down this path... I want to.

One of my friends is currently going through these struggles.
One reaction to this stress is insomnia. They have slept about 2 hours in the last 48.
I explained to them that they need to try... try everything!... because living your life as a zombie... isn't living.
This is when they told me they felt like they aren't living life currently... that life is just passing them by.

I know this feeling!!
I have so been there.
It's a stage of this process that no one tells you that you have to go through.
When I was there, I didn't think I would ever get past it.

That's where I came in today...
I told my friend, "It does get better! Just wait... when you get to the 'Living Life' stage... you appreciate it so much more... because you survived THAT other stage."

Here's to surviving to the next stage...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I MIGHT have trouble on my hands one day....

‎(Conversation driving home tonight)

Me: I think we will try this way, I think it will get us home faster.
Colby: Yeah... It's called a short cut.
Sam: Yeah... like if you were be chased by the cops, it would be an AWESOME getaway road.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Crazy on the Outside

I used to think that my life would get easier over time...
I used to think that things would settle down...
I used to think smooth sailing was the way it should be...
I now know that probably won't ever be true.

I live a crazy life.
It keeps me going.
I love that I can get up in the morning and not have a clue as to what the day holds...
I love that I fall into bed at night smiling that my life is full... full of friends ...and family ...and laughter.
Sure, it's crazy that I have 3 men vying for my attention.
Sure, it's crazy ... but I love it

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life

Do you know what disgusts me?
My ex did it to me.
Beforehand, I was so naive.

Now... I see it going on all around me.
I see the signs.
I hear the talk.
...and I want to shout, "Hello?? Don't you see what is happening??  Save your marriage!!  Or, at the very least, save yourself!!"

But you see... No one can make you step out of that situation.
No one can heal that pain for you.
You turn a blind eye... hoping... praying... that things will be okay.

I have a friend who found out that her husband was cheating on her.
She used to be so bubbly and full of life... ready for anything!
I used to know when I called her (no matter what we were doing) she would be in.
Now... she won't leave home unless her husband wants to join in also.
I know she is doing this to prevent him from having time alone... time to cheat.
It is killing her.
She is completely losing herself.
She looks exhausted all the time.

Yet, she won't leave him... not yet anyways.
I get that.
I have been there.
You have to hit rock bottom and then decide you deserve better for yourself.
But until then... no one will be able to get you there.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Summer confessions - Friday Confessional


I confess... I have forgotten what day it is several times already this summer.
I confess... I don't feel bad about this.

I confess... my daily routine has turned to going to bed at 2:30 am and waking at 9:30 am.
I confess... I am going to die when school starts back!!!

I confess... I don't feel like I have spent enough time with my boys this summer even though I have had them the same amount of time as normal.  I think this is because we have been on the go all the time.

I confess... I went on another date with B.P. ... I know, I know!  Will I not ever learn?? I think I have.  He's not for me.  I knew this months ago.  I just had to let my head catch up with my heart.

I confess... I went on a date with one of my friend's brothers. He's a great guy... but I know blood is thicker than water ...and I know if things ended badly between us, I would lose her and I's friendship.  So, I told him we could just be friends.  He said he was okay with that... but knowing he had wanted to date me all the way back in college, I'm not sure I believe him.
I confess... he has called or texted me every night since our date.

I confess... that I didn't do anything on yesterday (Thursday) evening just in case the new guy asked me out.
I confess... we didn't go out.... and I was a little disappointed... but we did talk for another hour or so.

I confess... I tend to screw things up with the ones I actually like.
I confess... I don't know why I do that...
I confess... I am really hoping and praying this time will be different.

I confess... I have kinda outgrown the idea of regrowing my hair...
I confess... my friends have not!!  They have put me on 24-hour surveillance to ensure I don't cut my hair.
I confess... THAT might be a slight exaggeration... but they REALLY don't want me to cut it.
I confess... after hearing someone describe what extensions do to your real hair, I decided I was out.
I confess... the only reason I was willing to go through this whole process was because I thought I could go short to long over night.
I confess... it doesn't look like it is going to be that easy.

I confess... my bestie has been gone for a week on vacation and I'm going a little stir-crazy without her around.
I confess... yesterday I texted 4 different friends at the same time in between talking to 3 other friends on the phone.
I confess... none of them were my bestie. sigh.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Strangers are friends you have yet to meet

I relish in the fact that I have an ease about me when getting to know someone new...

When meeting someone, if they are willing to put forth the effort, I can find a relate-able topic and talk to just about anyone.

With that being said, there are some people when I meet them, there is just an ease in the conversation... a sense of already knowing each other. We fall into a conversation like we have been lifelong friends. We open up and tell each other things that only our closest friends know about us... a sense of security that shouldn't be there with a "stranger."

It was like this with B.P., which is why I think it has been so hard to move him out of my life. Come to think of it... it was that way with Spencer as well.

Most people that I have met (like this), I have remained friends with, be they male or female.  Having that connection right off, kinda connects you for life.

Well... I have started to talk to someone new off of Match.
I normally don't post before I go on a date with someone... I mean... I go on a lot of first dates!!  You would all get tired of me telling you about them. Seriously.

But this guy... I can't even explain it... He has the same philosophy as me... he knows he's not perfect, nor has his life been perfect... but he sees that even with the bad things there is always a silver lining... you just have to look for it.

We seriously talked on the phone for 3 hours today! We shared what we have done right in our relationships... AND what we have done wrong...and how those things will make us better in our next relationship.  We talked about hard things... like death and divorce. Like I said... we talked like we knew each other enough to share all of this personal deep stuff.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not deciding that this is the person I am meant to be with... if that is what you are thinking, then you are reading this all wrong!  What I am saying is... I think I have gained another lifelong friend ...and I haven't even met him yet.

But if something more comes from it, I'm good with that too!! ;)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Things I've been called...

As a baby, I was told I was called charismatic... my mother said people were just drawn to me... I had a beautiful smile and an ease about me.

As a child, I was called an "old soul" ... I would sit quietly among the adults and absorb in their conversations. I did hard things like announce the death of loved ones to other family members...  Not in a loud-boastful way, but more of a calm-concerned-for-others-around-me sort of way.

I've been told I'm empathetic. I have a good listening ear... and occasionally give some advice that actually makes sense.

I've been called quick-witted. I think fast on my feet and sometimes find myself suppressing my sarcasm as it comes to me even when the time is inappropriate. I do, however, reveal in the laughter that my wit brings to others.

I've been called sharp-tongued. That same quick-wit that pushes humor through also allows for mean spirited comments when I feel like a cornered animal.  This part of me isn't shown often... but when it is, it is fierce.

I've been called outgoing.  What most don't know is that I have had to work myself into this position.  Now, by the time I leave a room full of people, I am normally known throughout. As a child, I hid behind my mother.  As a teenager, I clung to the walls... but all along I was watching... learning... seeing the folks that I wished I could be more like.  What I learned is the people I most wanted to be like did not hesitate when it came to walking up to others and starting a conversation... they had an ease... a confidence about them.  I still have to suppress that fearful soul to allow the outgoing person to shine.

I've been called mindful.  I have truly started to look inward the last couple of years.  I find enjoyment in the small things.  I seek out adventure and am open to any experience.  I sometimes feel like I am living my life in reverse.  I was hesitant... scared to try new things when I was younger.  I now don't feel like I have time for those emotions.  I see every challenge as an opportunity.

I've been called many things... some positive... some negative... most true... but the things I've been called are only a reflection of who I truly am... so I am trying to make sure I am proud of what others are calling me.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

10 Reasons Why I Loooove my friends

#10 - They call me to come over after they have watched a scary movie so they don't have to be alone.
#9 - They don't care how much time has passed since we last saw each other and our conversations pick up like we never left off
#8 - They want to go on vacations together
#7 - They call me at midnight to tell me that they wish I was there sharing their fun times
#6 - They invite me to family events
#5 - They think my crazy ideas are great!
#4 - Their friends are my friends
#3 - They don't care about who I once was... or who I might become... they are just happy to know who I am right now!
#2 - They consider me family...Even their families consider me family.. and tell me so.
#1 - They love me for who I am and they make me laugh out loud!!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Off Limits??

Who would you consider as being off limits when it comes to dating?
A co-worker?
A client?
Your friend's brother?

Any thoughts on the upside or downside of each?
Just trying to decide where I should draw the line... that is, if a line does in fact need to be drawn.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I could really use a wish right now...

I wish I had the stories that my grandparents told me stored somewhere other than in my head.

I wish I had spent more time in the kitchen with my mom.

I wish I wasn't jealous when Sam says he wants to be with his dad when he is with me (and I wish I knew if he does the same when he isn't with me.)

I wish I had all the answers to give to my brother, Tim, who is about to be married... but coming from a failed marriage, I don't exactly feel like an expert.

I wish when I thought of my father fond memories would play in my brain.

I wish I was as confident in true love and relationships working out as I once was.

I wish I didn't feel broken.

I wish I could hear my mom's laugh one more time... it was infectious... and I have forgotten what it sounds like.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Just call me Jane Jetson... Now where is my morning mask??

Some of you may not have realized this...
But Facebook and Skype have paired up and now FB allows for video chat.

I Skype.
I think it's great.
My brother texts me and asks me to get on and chat.

It's my brother... No biggie if I don't look glamorous.
Anyone else... well, I straight up tell them "no" if I am looking rough.
Another reason why I don't get on Skype very often.

Now FB is a different story...I'm on FB every day!
So, today, when I downloaded this feature all I could think of was an episode of The Jetsons where Jane Jetson got a video call right after she got out of bed.

Here... watch... forward to 4:30

I guess if I am going to become a frequent user of video chat on FB I'm gonna have to find me a "morning mask."

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

When you thought life couldn't get any more confusing

About a month ago, B.P. and I had a falling out.

Before the falling out, we were probably the closest we had been... almost best friends to each other.
Then he finally decided he wanted to give it a go and start dating me, but then got upset that I had dated other people.

Now let me just tell you... that B.P. and I went on our first date back in April 2010.
I was the first person he dated after his divorce.

He clearly wasn't ready.
I was good with that.

The problem was that even though he wasn't ready, I guess he wanted me to sit around and wait till he was ready.
Yeah... that's a no go.

Don't get me wrong... there is this undeniable electricity between us.
It's crazy.
and We feel like we have known each other forever.

Yet, every time it seemed like he was ready, he pulled back.
In May, I gave him the whatfor and he said it was probably best if we were just friends and we basically ceased contact.

This week, he has all of a sudden decided he was "ready"  and then got upset that I wasn't going to drop all of my set plans because he wanted to see me and be with me.

I wish I didn't have such a strong attraction and bond with him... it would be easier to walk away and not look back ...if it wasn't like that.
But it is... and I can see me losing myself in him if we did date.

So how do I move past this... and him... without feeling a void?

Monday, July 4, 2011

That's not sweat, It's my body crying

I ran a 5k this morning.
Faster than last time.

Last time I ran it in 33.26

One of these days, I am actually train for one of these and smoke these times out of the water!
...but don't hold your breath.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

I think of my interactions with men as of late.

BP just  won't go away keeps popping back into my life.
I blame myself.
Somehow, me making a little comment on a pic of his son on FB opened the door back up wide.
I should have kept my humor to myself.

The Fireman hasn't stop trying.
I know I could ask him to do anything and he would.
Somehow... that just doesn't have the appeal to me it should.
I like to be chased... but I also enjoy the chase.

I went on a date with a new guy.
He cracked me up...
But I had to be out of town for a week and now he is out of town for a week...
I tend to not do well when there is gaps of interaction... even if it is for a day.
I need to know they are interested. (which is why it is hard that I don't like The Fireman enough because he did that for me.)

I wish dating was easy.
I wish I had more answers than I do.
I have to honestly say that I have almost been too busy to date.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Making the best of it

So... after last night's pity party, I had crazy dreams of riding in vehicles with people I didn't know and losing my children.

According to the dream dictionary, it meant:
To dream that someone else is lost, represents that you may have lost something within your own self. Perhaps you need to recapture and re-acknowledge those aspects.

Weird how our psyche interprets things for us... knowing that I felt like I was losing myself to my first unplanned summer day without adults.

So, I decided I was going to make the best of my day with my boys.

We had races through the sprinkler.

..and moral support when the wiffle ball went into the weeds.

We went and registered me for my next 5k.

And we headed to my friend, Angela's for a birthday party.

Overall, it was a good day.
I got a small dose of adult conversation.
...cause you know, stopping cold turkey is never fun ;)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Losing my footing

You know how when you are on a mountain peak and you start to head down... you plan to slowly walk down it, taking your time, but sometimes you stumble and that slow journey becomes a fast messy tumble.

Yeah... that is how I am feeling tonight.

I have spent the entire week with adults having a great time.
Not one second was I alone.

I had forgotten how much I need that.

Summer "officially" started for me today.
I had nothing planned.
I slept most of the day.
I looked ahead to the long weekend and became even more depressed.

You see... I have always known that I crave human interaction, but I never knew it was such a requirement for my daily repertoire.

I even started thinking that maybe I should go start a summer job.
How silly is that?
To go get a job and work the one month I have off just to have adult human interaction.

I know my friends will all be back after this weekend and things will feel semi-normal.
But I just wish I didn't have to tumble before I get my footing back.