Sunday, January 30, 2011
Due to the restaurant being so busy, we opted to sit at the bar.
The swirl of action around me is ideal.
I love to eavesdrop into other people's conversations... it gives me a wonderful sense of the world around me.
I begin listening into the conversation of the couple next to me.
I snicker to myself as the woman changes her drink order time after time after time... pretty much any time someone else at the bar orders something, her voice pops up and said, "I change my mind, I want that!"
It's something I would do... I'm that indecisive. (it's part of my DMD)
The woman changes her drink order again when someone orders a Strawberry-Mango Margarita.
I turn to her smiling and affirm her choice, "I've had that one before. It's a good one."
She nods, saying that she thinks she will stick with that one then.
I know that's what I need... affirmation... that I've made the right choice.... that because I chose this route instead of that one.... things aren't going to fall apart around me.
Of course, I'm not talking about drink orders here.
I'm talking about my life decisions.
Like... do I call the guy back that took me out this weekend... because he's not as tall as I would like him to be... and he's more quiet than I would like him to be... and... and...Am I just being too picky??
But then I think back to that couple at the bar... because see, I don't tend to just eavesdrop... I tend to also start up conversation.
(My bestie laughs at me for this because she says I have never met a stranger... and since I eavesdrop before hand, I can fall into their conversation like I was always there... it comes from all those years of being too shy to be participate in the conversations around me... but always taking it all in)
After Angela and I finished eating, I leaned over and asked the woman how she liked her drink. We quickly find out from her husband, that on their first date, he found out how much of a light weight she was... that a half glass of wine had made her flushed... and in her woozy state she said to him, "You're cuter now than you were before."
They laughed at the memory... smiling at each other.
Then the husband pulled out pictures of their baby saying, "I'm 40... I had given up on getting married and having kids... now I'll just be that dad that others mistake for the grandpa... but he is so worth it!"
The wife turns to him and lovingly leans in and kisses him.
So again, I ask, "Am I being too picky?"
I mean, think...
What if he had taken her woozy statement to heart?
What if she would have thought he was too old to start a family with?
But they didn't... instead they sat next to me in a bar, 3 years after they had met, smitten with one another and overjoyed to share the happiness that embodied them as a couple.
So... how do I get there?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Serious. It does.
This morning, I came up with this...
"Lying is like an unraveling sweater... the more you string it out the BIGGER it becomes."
Profound, isn't it?
Where do you do your best thinking??
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
We didn't have school Monday.
I was gone to meetings on Tuesday (so I was out of my classroom).
So... all I had last week was Wednesday.
I'm wondering how my students are going to be tomorrow.
I'm wondering if they will be zombies from staying up too late over this unplanned mini-vacation... or be well rested, like me.
You see, over this break, I think I got too much sleep.
I had crazy vivid dreams almost every night.
I had dreams that elicited such emotion that when I woke, it was hard to shake those feelings from my being.
I had dreams of ...
...being shot at in a jungle and trying to protect my children from the shooters.
...having phone conversations where the person I was talking to and their voice did not match to that person in real life and feeling so very confused.
...of having sex and being rejected and in the same scenario continuously finding lost buttons off my clothes and trying to focus on the buttons versus the rejection.
...of having a ghost haunting my basement and all my guests being too afraid to travel freely around my house and me feeling completely helpless.
Now, I have done enough interpretation of my dreams to know what a lot of things represent. So normally after I have had a dream, I think to those meanings and smile at the realization of what my mind knows and is trying to let me in on.
However, that has not been the case over this break.
The dreams even though they were so wildly different... all had a common theme.
I recognized that in every situation, I was not in control.
When I looked up the key words of each dream, over and over again this came up:
"You may be experiencing some chaos and unpredictable circumstances in your waking life."
I mean, I think things are going pretty normal in my life.
Sure, my love life isn't the greatest right now, but it hasn't been consistently happy for a while. Other than that, I don't know what chaos my unconscious knows about that I haven't figured out....
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
1. I love having snow days off so that I can spend them with my boys!!
2. Sam has learned to sneeze into his elbow.
3. Colby is adventurous.
4. My heart didn't ache after this breakup... so I know what The Professor and I had wasn't real.
5. B.P. and I continue to be friends... we discuss everything.
Not so much...
1. My boys are on such a schedule that they still wake up at 6am on snow days.
2. Sam uses that sneezed-in elbow to wrap around me.
3. Colby scares me to death with his death-defying tricks on the skateboard, sled, bike, etc.
4. I'm back out in the dating pool.
5. I don't know where B.P. and I stand.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I'd like to tell you about the wonderful weekend we had spent together... but I can't.
You see... I haven't seen him since a week ago Saturday.
We talked on Sunday and then again on Monday... and then not again until Friday last week.
This may not seem like a BIG thing... but see... the first month we logged 100 hours on the phone with each other.
I'm not pointing fingers.
In fact, I'm sure I am to blame.
He told me he loved me.
I wasn't ready.
I understand that can make a person question.
He then had family stuff going on.
But what I know, is that if you really want to be in contact with someone, you will be.
I made every attempt to be in contact with him on Saturday.
Every attempt was shot down or ignored.
So, I ended it.
I walked away.
I was very hopeful...but I'm not going to chase.
Chasing has not been productive for me in my dating life... it has just led to hurt.
...and I'm not ready to be hurt again.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I haven't found it yet.
The Professor always told me that he had no "governor"... that he was honest to a fault.
This past week I have gotten lines... reasons why he can't talk to me.
I think they are partially true, but not completely.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I thought my post 2 days ago would help.
It didn't though.
I thought posting those post-it would send the message that I won't say verbally.
It didn't though.
But now looking inwardly, I don't really care.
I don't care who reads my blog...because I don't change who I am in real life versus what I write on here.
Both places I'm just me.
I just like my privacy sometime... but then again, I know posting something out on the World Wide Web is not, nor will it ever be, private.
The thing is... I write here because it is cathartic... emotionally purging, if you will.
It is like a best friend that I am coming to bitch to... and to share joy with.
(Don't get me wrong... I have a best friend IRL, she's great in fact... but this, this is different.)
Here I can tell you that it has been a good week and a rough week all in one.
It's been a good one because lovely Mr. Winter decided to pay my (and mostly every other) part of the country with a visit of snow... just enough to call off school for 2 days.
Just enough time to sleep in ...and do nothing after a long and busy weekend.
Just enough time to catch up on all (yes, I said all!!!) of my grading.
(Some of you out there that aren't teachers may not know the significance of this feat... but let me tell you... it is HUGE!!!!)
Also, my kiddos at school have made a turn... or maybe I have made a turn... I don't know... but what I do know is that I am actually being able to teach! And I am getting random hugs from my trouble makers. Like a light bulb has gone on and they are trying to make up for the hell that they have put me through the last 5 months.
I'm just saying... it's nice.
I'm afraid by saying it though that I have jinxed myself.... so I am mentally crossing my fingers as I type this.
It's been rough week in the sense that I really haven't talked to The Professor. It's hard for me to say where we are in our relationship. The whole love conversation happened again Sunday night while I was overly tired and PMSing and it wasn't by any means a lovely and/or fun conversation for me. Monday night we had a good conversation, but nothing like the 4 hour conversations we had in the beginning. Also, I am realizing that there is so much that I don't know about him. These are all things that I know are normal at the beginning of a relationship... when you get past the sunshine and daisies part of it... and the "real" of it all starts to spill out. But I don't like it. I don't like not knowing what's to come.
So here I am.
Happy ...and frustrated ...and content ...and confused ...all rolled up onto one.
“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” ~Oscar Wilde
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I love my family!
When we get together and it seems as if no time has passed.
We endure each other's quirks.
Time continues to change all of us... especially the size of our families... and I love it!
You can ask anyone.
I love babies.
I always have.
A baby starts to cry and everyone else immediately looks for its momma;
I say, "Hand 'em over."
(Not that we had any problems with this beautiful boy!)
This weekend was my cousin's (Andrew) baby's baptism.
His five siblings and their spouses and their families were all here.
I always seem renewed after I see everyone.
Maybe it's knowing there's acceptance there.
It's been hard since my divorce.
The definition of family had to change for me.
My ex, R., always tells me, "We will always be family, even though we aren't married."
Originally, that was hard for me to hear or accept... because, in my eyes, family doesn't hurt you like he hurt me.
But I know know he is right.
We have two beautiful boys.
I am thankful that he is their father because he does a wonderful job at that!
...and because of that we will forever be linked... family.
I guess spending this weekend with all my cousins made me realize that... that having acceptance and love... forever having a connection ...is what family is all about.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
He voiced his fears/concerns with me not professing my love for him yet... he told me that we have been talking for 5 weeks and if I'm not ready by now, he's not sure I will ever be ready.
He said that we are "at sort of an impasse"...a situation that is so difficult that no progress can be made; a deadlock ...but he said he wasn't ready to give up on us yet. He's hoping that he is just a fast mover and I am just a slow mover... and eventually I will catch up to him.
I told him that I have a wall... a wall that no one can knock down but me ... and right now the sledgehammer to knock down that wall is too heavy for me to lift by myself. I'm getting stronger everyday, but I'm not there.
He said he understood, but that it still didn't calm his worry.
I don't know what else to do...
Love is a state of mind which has nothing to do with the mind.
~ Bob Phillips
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Bachelor was describing how he wasn't ready for love the first time he was one the show...
how he was so emotionally hurt that when he was in relationships he would only allow the other person in so far and then instead of getting hurt, he left.
I see that aspect of myself.
The Professor told me he loved me.
I said, "Thank you." in return.
...I told him I wasn't there yet... and I know the reason is all my past hurt.
In the past, I have put myself out there... I have giving it my all... I have loved with my whole being... and in return, I have been crushed by the men I would have given my all for.
After my divorce, I never thought I would love again!
In fact, I kind of laughed at being out in the dating world... a world I had not really known in my younger years.
Then I met Spencer.
To say the least, I was smitten.
I would have given him anything he asked ...and then some.
Friends of mine told me I lost myself in him ... and I had.
At the time, I couldn't see how that could/would be a bad thing.
But see, it becomes bad when it is only one person giving their all.... and being honest about it.
Which is why when The Professor professed his love for me... I told him exactly how I was feeling. I told him it freaked me out! I told him that I wasn't there.
All my friends tell me, "If that is the worst he does... is love you... than you have nothing to worry about."
But the problem isn't him loving me... the problem is me allowing myself to love again.
I mean, in the love category I am striking a BIG goose egg out of 2 = failed relationships.
and again, when others tell me, "Well he isn't those like those other two..."
I wonder to myself, but will he be???
“We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.”
Monday, January 3, 2011
The man I loved was giving me the silent treatment... mad over the fact that after I had spent a week with him (away from my children), and I wanted to hurry home to my children.
This past year has taught me many things...
It has taught me to NOT settle... That I deserve the best, especially in how someone treats me.
It has taught me that I have self worth... and that only I determine how highly I rank that.
It has taught me that living life is worth every second... and the people you surround yourself with are the most important thing of all.
I am happy to say that this year began with a smile on my face, with a man who is doing everything in his power to make me feel special, and an inner contentment that is better than anything else.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
I shared with him how in HS and in college I was always great friends with guys... but none of the guys wanted to date me.
This is when he stopped me and started to laugh.
"What?" I asked.
...and this is when The Professor let me in on a little male secret.
Guys (at least of the teenage/early 20's) don't hang out with girls unless they want to date her.
Looking back, that little tidbit would have SO boosted my self esteem!
I mean, back in the day, I just couldn't understand how I could be friends with all these guys and none of them wanted to have anything to do with me dating-wise.
This would be why, when I was a Junior in HS, I dated a Sophomore in college. Because I at least knew he didn't view me as a "friend". I ended up breaking up with him because his best friend also wanted to date me and I didn't want to be in the middle... that and they were 2 hours away.
Again though, I still felt like all guys viewed me as their friend.
In college, until the middle of my Sophomore year when I met R (my ex), I hung out with three guys. Two out of the three I pined over.... but, of course, I never told them because I didn't want to lose their friendship.
I couldn't understand how they could be some of my best friends, but we would never date. I mean we talked about everything!! Crazy... because at the time I know I would have never talked about those things with just any guy. But I also know... had I known that any of them had wanted to date me, I know I wouldn't have shared those things with them.
Here is where The Professor told me had I made that move... I probably would have dated one of them... that guys that age don't know how to let girls know they like them... so instead they "hang out" with them because it is better to be around them and not date them, than to not be around them and not date them.
Looking back, had I known that little tidbit, I think I would have missed out on a lot of awesome times with awesome guy friends that allowed me to be me.
Going back, I don't think I would want to be let in on that little bit of knowledge.
Sure... It would have drastically built up my self-esteem, but going from the "ugly duckling" to the "swan" since my divorce has allowed me to see all sides of my relationships now.
...and that bit of knowledge couldn't have made me grow to the full extent that I have grown learning it all on my own.
That... and I wouldn't still be friends with those three guys like I am today...and that is not worth going back!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Knowing I had no attire that would even come close to touching what I felt should be worn there, I had to go do a little shopping.
Then came the main course...Center cut filet with a mushroom ragout, served with shallot mashed potatoes and Haricot Vert beans.
And then when I didn't think the meal could be topped... they brought out the dessert... Fresh fruit Napoleon with chocolate mint ice cream, raspberry sauce and sweet paste cookie garnish.
The view from where we sat... funny that the world went on around us... 'cause I thought time had stopped and stood still while we were there.