A gift money can't buy

I drew my youngest brother, Nick, and his wife's name for Christmas.
Amongst the adults, we draw names ...because it's nice to get a gift.
Nick and LeaAnn wouldn't tell me what they wanted for Christmas and I don't like to play the guessing game.
So, I waited... and I waited... and I waited.
I waited until the day I was to grace them with my presence presents. (You see what I did there? ;) hee hee)
They finally told me movie theater tickets so they could go on a date.
Then they saw everything that I had bought for my niece and nephew and told me I went overboard. (What can I say... I love them to pieces!!)
They asked instead of buying the movie tickets, would I come babysit instead?
...Because peace of mind is a gift money can't buy.
Of course, I said yes!!

I still get together once a month with three girls that I taught with back at the beginning of our careers.  We have been doing it now for over 10 years. We have shared everything with each other.
At least we thought we had.
This week we learned that K.L. has cancer.
She had a cough that she couldn't get rid of. She finally couldn't stop coughing one night shortly after our girls' night out and headed to the ER. They found a mass between her lungs.
Words like : localized and malignant quickly became part of my vocabulary.
I don't know what to do for her.
I know to give her love and support and prayers...
... but I don't know what to do for her...
...because friendship is a gift money can't buy and I would hate to lose hers.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death.
Fifteen years without my mom.
...It's strange to see that written out.
I don't normally think about it in years, just time passed with me missing her.
My ex, R., is always gracious enough to let me have the boys on Christmas because he knows this time of year is hard for me.
My boys know it too.
I try to fill them with all of the memories of my childhood and what I think my mom would want them to know.
But I know I can't give them all...
...because having a grandma filled with memories and thoughts of her own is a gift money can't buy.

I get a phone call.
It's not early... I just haven't managed to get myself out of bed yet.
It's Dale (my surrogate dad).
He's calling to check on my car.
Then I get a call from the boys...
...to tell me they love me.
Finally I get a text from Ty...
...asking me if I would like to join him for lunch.
yep.
Feeling loved...
...is the best gift money can't buy!!

Conversation between two brothers

I paused the tv while my boys were in the tub tonight.
Normally they are so noisy, but not tonight.  I was curious to know what was going on.

Conversation.
...That is what was going on.

Colby: You know, Sam, we are all maturing. I mean, Conner is maturing. Layton is maturing. I'm maturing. Have you not recognized that??


Colby: Do you know when we are old enough to drive, we may not get a car?
Sam: Why?
Colby: Because Avery (Robbie's gf's son) will get one first.


Sam:  Some day you are gonna have to like the Cardinals... What if I'm on the Cardinals team?


I love their random thoughts and conversation!!

It's a common misconception... one that I won't deny, I enjoy

Today, we went to take Carli (Ty's daughter) to get her ears pierced.
She had bounced around all morning long excited for the time to come.
When we arrived at the store, she excitedly picked out the pair she wanted.
She hugged me and then she hugged her dad and squealed.

And then it happened.
Her fears of what was to come overwhelmed her.
She sat in the chair tears streaming down her face, body shaking, saying, "I can't do this! I can't do this!"

Ty tried to get her to calm down, but she just cried harder and harder.
So I asked if I could try.
I sat down in front of her, held her hands, and we talked about happy things.
Then the clerk said, "It's okay. You can hold your mom's hands while we do this."
"She's not my mom, she's my dad's girlfriend." and she smiled.

Later, we went for Starbucks.
The woman behind the counter said to Cam (Ty's son), "Would you like your mom to hold this for you?"
Cam wasn't paying attention, so I just smiled and handed his drink to him.

Ty and I have a very loving relationship towards each other and each other's kids. It's not uncommon to see us loving and hugging them as parents should.  So, if the love others see makes us look more like a family, so be it.

Real or not?

This time of year the conversation amongst third graders is normally about Santa.
The debate about whether he is actually  real or not.

Normally.

But this year...
... this year, my students debated whether mermaids are real or not.

Santa wasn't mentioned.
Not once.

The jury is still out on the mermaid debate.

How long could a half day last??

Today was our last day before Christmas break.
Half day - heck yeah!

At least that is how I was thinking before it all began.
...And then it began.

It started with me forgetting to set my alarm clock.
epic fail.

Then I couldn't decide what to wear...
sure, it was a Christmas party,
sure it was cold outside

But... in my brain... there was dilemma .
Do I go with the traditional red and green?? Or go off the beaten path? (I ended up with hot pink and green - the best of both worlds)
Do I dress for the cold of outside or the warmth of inside? (I ended up with the warmth of inside.)

By the time I got out the door, I was, of course, late.

The school day started out okay...
We had our gift exchange and we watched part of a movie.

...and then it started....That dreaded feeling that this might be the longest day EVER!!

It started with one of my students telling me she felt dizzy. She rarely eats breakfast... and I know this, so I gave her peanut butter crackers to eat... and she started bawling because I told her she had to eat them.  Then she lied about eating them... and told me she still felt bad, so I sent her to the nurse.(I, of course, didn't know she hadn't eaten them, otherwise I wouldn't have sent her.)

Right after that, I had another student paper cut himself. Even after the band-aide, it kept bleeding. We couldn't get it to stop, so I sent him to the nurse.

All of this was happening as we were lining up to go to computer class. By the time I got them all down the hall, I realized we were actually 5 minutes early.
Seriously. Early.

My ex, R. always jokes that I will be late for my own funeral.  Yet, here I was early.

There was no way I was turning them back around and going back to my classroom!  Not with all the sugar they all had in them, and not with 2 kids down to the nurse. So as we past the office, I decided that the office gals needed to share in the Christmas wildness cheer of my students so we stopped to sing.

During this time, the nurse took my student with the paper cut and was going to irrigate his finger.  He watched the band-aide come off his finger, he saw the blood, and he passed out.
The nurse starts screaming at the secretaries that she needs their help, and the secretaries start screaming at me to get all of the kids out... and I just knew it had to be one of the ones that I sent.

I, of course was thinking it was the little girl who hadn't eaten.

So, after I got my students to computers and came back to the office, I was surprised to find that it was the paper cut student who went down.
I then spent my plan time getting color back into the one that went down.
Oh... and did I mention that this all happened BEFORE ten a.m.??

Thank goodness it was only a half a day!!

Belief has been FULLY restored!

My son, Colby, is nine and in the fourth grade.
Fourth grade seems to be the age that most kids stop believing in Santa. I know, because I taught fourth grade for five years and it broke my heart every year to have students share with their peers how he wasn't real.

Colby had a friend explain to him how he wasn't real last year.  Colby looked at me with questioning eyes.  Later that night, Sam got a video email from Santa telling him to be nice to Colby because "Santa is watching!"  That was enough to pull Colby back onto the "belief" train.

But this year.. this year I could already see it happening.  Anytime Santa was mentioned, Colby just kind of rolled his eyes.  I felt like I was just going to have to let it go that he was no longer a believer... a little part of me saddened.

So, Thursday night, I took the boys to our local amusement park to see the parade and Santa, like I do every year.  We arrived just as the parade started, so we ran towards where it would end so we wouldn't miss any of it and so we would also be close to where Santa would go afterwards.

We found and open spot and here came Santa in his sleigh. Santa was waving to all of the boys and girls as he past them. Then he got to us.  Santa leaned over and pointed right at Colby and said, "MY you have grown a LOT in the last year!"
Colby looked at me, his eyes widening, and shouted, "Mom!  He remembers me!!"
I smiled and nodded.

Belief has been FULLY restored ... at least for one more year.

At a time of year when families should be celebrating and holding their loved ones close, the opposite happens.

As a teacher, I'm horrified by the happenings in Connecticut today.
As a mom, I'm horrified by the happenings in Connecticut today.

Words don't express the overall fear that runs through my brain.


As a teacher, I think, "What would I do if that was occurring at my school?"
Sure,  we have drills and procedures in place, but I don't think that prepares you completely for the real thing.  I'm sure those teachers of Sandy Hook never thought they would have to use those drills for real.

I think of how the teachers did what teachers do... they got their students as safe as they could and then read to them, told them to be quiet, told them that they loved them... I'm sure telling them all along that things would be fine. I know... because that is what I would have done.

I think of my students this year and how I have a lot of "What if'ers"  "What if... a big hole opened up and sucked us all into it?" "What if ...our lights all started flashing like in a disco?" "What if...?" "What if...?"  "What if...?"
But I can't imagine having to be in that position and having to answer the what ifs..."What if the shooter comes into our classroom?" "What if he is outside our door and we just don't know it?""What if one of our friends has died?"
It makes me fearful and sad all in one... to know that the little innocence that is left in my students would be completely gone.

Then I think of my boys... this is a thought no parents ever wants to have to worry about...

I think of the design of my boys' school.  Each hallway leads down to a pod of classrooms. Each pod is circular in fashion with glass walls to see into each class. The only exit door to the outside is to come out into that center pod area. A shooter could easily come into the center of the pod and spin in a circle and hit every classroom... and my babies (and all of their friends) would be trapped.
We have always said, "Our kids go to school in a small town, this would never happen to us" and I know that is exactly what the families of Newton believed as well.

It makes me want to keep them at home and shelter them from all of the evilness... but I know that is not reality.  I know that I can't live in fear for what might happen. I have already lived part of my life in that fashion... and it was stifling ...and guess what? Bad things still happened.
So, instead, I will hug them a little tighter.  I will focus on the good and pray for all of those that unfortunately experienced the bad today.

Soothing my soul

I read before I head to bed.
It quiets the inner dialog that occurs in my head... that constant chatter that I can't seem to turn off as I lie in bed... not unless I read.
Reading seems to soothe those voices.
I wonder if others have the uneasiness, that restlessness, that just won't stop.

I worry about it sometimes...
I worry that maybe this is how it started with my father. Was he always paranoid schizophrenic?
I don't know... Or did his inner dialog get too loud?  To the point that he couldn't turn it off... and so it made him snap... and turn into the monster that beat my mother.

My sister-in-law, Xuan, met my dad for the first time about 3 months ago.
She said he was a nice man who liked to joke.
He was on his meds.
I don't have a fond memory of him like that.
The last time I saw him, he was over-medicated and was like a zombie.  My aunt said it was probably best with the passing of my grandfather.
That was 5 yeas ago.

Other than that, I only have childhood memories of him.
Not wanting to see us... or not having the time to see us because it would throw him off his "normal" schedule... Even after we had traveled 11+ hours to see him.
Or him showing up at our house unexpectantly, being loud and destructive, and then leaving just as unexpectantly.

Don't get me wrong... I hold a few good moments... but when I think of my dad, I don't think of those moments first.

All of these this things flood me as I lay down to sleep...
So... yeah... reading is good.
It soothes my soul.

Ummm... That's NOT what I said

My son, Sam, is obsessed with practicing his spelling words.
You'd think coming from a mom, who is a teacher, that would be a good thing,
And it is...
Except that Sam is a REALLY good speller!
He has them memorized after looking at the list for maybe 5 minutes.

But he tells me he might forget them while he is sleeping.
So, we practice ...and practice ...and practice some more.

This week his words are ones that have -ar- and -or- sounds.
You know - farm, start, porch, fork,etc.

Well... mid study session Sam decides he needs a drink of juice but doesn't want me to stop calling off words.

So, from the couch, I'm calling off words and he is spelling them.
Then I call off "Horn."

From the kitchen, Sam yells, "PORN??  THAT'S NOT ONE OF MY WORDS!!"

So I shout back "HORN!!!!"
"Oh. H-o-r-n"

Glad I didn't have to explain that one...

No, the godfather didn't send me

Back in September when I first showed my students my cake decorating site, one of my students, J., exclaimed, "Oh. my. gosh! You are so making me a horse cake for my birthday!!

Now let me just tell you... I am around third graders ALL the time.  They tell you things and most of the time it is one of those things that you smile and nod and take it with a grain of salt.

Well... come October during Parent/Teacher conferences, J's mom says, "J has talked and talked and talked about you and your amazing cakes.  She wants you to do her birthday cake."

This is where my do-I-mix-my-two-jobs?? internal conundrum comes in.  So I politely handed her my card and told her to not feel obligated.

J. kept on and on.  She definitely did not let her parent or me forget that she wanted her cake made by me.

So, this week, it finally happened.

She was SO happy!!

Sidebar: when shopping for chocolate licorice for horse hair, look at your local Target first, NOT the specialty candy store... you will save about $5. Lesson learned the hard way.

It's a love/hate thing

I love that Ty loves me and takes care of me.
I love that he is so caring and sweet, yet rough and tumble with my boys.
I love that he checks in. (I need that)
I love that he does sweet little things that others might take for granted... but not me.

But I hate that he sometimes reminds me of Spencer.
...I hate that sometimes my brain can not think of his name and replaces Spencer's name in the void that is there.
I hate that my hurt heart doubts the time that passes... and wonders when he, too, will walk away leaving me blindsided.
I hate that I am up worrying about something that hasn't (nor may ever) come to fruition.

Oh give thanks...

Day 1 - People will be here in four days. MUST. start. cleaning.
Day 2 - All toilets have been scrubbed. All towels and bed sheets have been washed. Three days - SO much to do!
Day 3 - Go home sick from work. Running a fever. Aches. Sore throat. Head to the doctor. Two days - gonna take that long to get well.
Day 4 - Bake pies... take naps in between. One day to go. Make children vacuum and put dishes away.  Decide a spotless house is overrated.
Day 5 - Guests arrive. Feeling better. Sheets are back in the washer in hopes to NOT get visitors sick. Eat TOO much food. Stay up half the night shopping.
Day 6 - Entertain guests.  Unload and reload the dishwasher 3 times. Hope that some of this food leaves with them. Wish for a nap.
Day 7 - Everyone showers, eats, and packs up. Say your goodbyes. Sit down in a house with a sink of dirty dishes, a laundry room full of dirty towels and sheets, a refrigerator full of leftovers you don't want to eat.

Yep. LOTS to be Thankful for.

The change I was looking for

This weekend, my ex, R. and I rode together to Colby's, our son, basketball game.

Some might find this strange.
Others might find it commendable.

Whichever way you swing, it doesn't matter to me.  Or to R for that matter.
We are both glad to be in a place that things are great in our separate lives ...and in the life that still connects us.

We had a conversation though that made me mad and sad all in one.
I told him how it really hurt me that he didn't value me and our relationship back when we were together.
That he put baseball (and everything else for that matter) before me.
That I was SO happy for him and K. (his girlfriend) but I didn't understand why he didn't value our relationship like he did theirs.

He told me that he was sorry and that it was ALL him... that he has changed a lot over the years and has learned many things - one of those things being where relationships lie in his priorities.

I, being the sometimes self-deprecating person that I am, turned it back on myself.

Did he not value me because I didn't value me??

I have always been a positive person, but high on self esteem, I have not.
When relationships have failed and guys have treated me like sh*t, I have always viewed it as something I did or didn't do.
But maybe it wasn't the doing but the being that resulted in my treatment.

I have come to a place in my life where if you don't want to treat me well, I don't need you...whether it be friends, co-workers, or boyfriends.

I haven't been in this place long.
Less than a year, actually.

But in this year, I decided it was better to be happy alone than to be stressed together with someone.

And, strangely enough, like people always say - When you stop looking, you will find someone.
But I don't think it was so much in me not looking, as it was changing what I was looking for.

And so far, what I have found is happiness and a sense of self I have never had before.

The weekend I got old

Fifty years from now, I will sit my grandchildren upon my lap and tell them many stories... One might include this one - the weekend I got old.

I didn't see it coming...

First a headache.
Then my shoulder hurt.
Next my elbow.

I couldn't sleep... or I slept too much.

I hurt.
My only prediction of why I hurt...
I must be old.

We're on a field trip... we left our brains at school

We went on a field trip today.
Here are some of the crazy things I heard my students say:

While running around the playground where we stopped for lunch - "Come on!  Maybe there's some fresh air over here!" (We live in a rural area where there is nothing BUT fresh air.)

Standing in the OUTSIDE pavilion after lunch -  "Can I go outside and play?"

From my 80 lb 3rd grader RUNNING up to me at the bottom of the hill as we head up the hiking trail. - "I can't walk any farther, I twisted my ankle. Can you carry me?"

My students love me... even if they don't follow directions

At the beginning of every school year, I walk my students through what they should do in certain situations.  One of those situations is what they should if they feel like they are going throw up.

I tell them that I am a "sympathy puker". If I see puke, I puke too.

Then I tell them if they feel sick, to grab the nearest trash can, and get out the door.
I'll figure out what they are doing.

Sickness has been running rampant in my classroom.
Today, while I'm holding a reading group, one of my boys starts shouting, "Don't look over here Ms. T!!  Whatever you do don't look over here!!"

Of course, when a student is yelling that your natural inclination is to look.
"What? What is going on?" I asked.
"Beth puked... but don't look over here, we don't want you to get sick too!"

Ahhh... so they were listening... and they do care.

Now to get the janitor in here to clean the puke off my floor...

Sugar and Spice and everything nice...and maybe a little glitter

Carli rushed at me and squealed.
A pitch that only a little girl could create.
Then she wrapped her whole self around me and squeezed.
My day was made!
I was hoping I would get to see her today.
It is her birthday.
...and Ty wasn't supposed to have her today... she was supposed to spend the day with her mom.
Plans changed.

When Ty told me, I got a little giddy-up to my step.
I can honestly say I love that girl.
She's not mine.
...and yes, I am just dating her dad.
But Carli and I have such a bond...
and I love it!

I baked her a cake. (duh.)
She wanted her dog Chocolate to be on it, so he was.

Then she wanted to do glitter tattoos. (something she got for her birthday.)
How could I say no??

I think I sport glittery stars quite well.
Yeah... I know you're jealous! ;)

We'll leave the light on for you... or maybe not

#422 Things they didn't tell you before becoming a mom - You will have to find cheaper insurance because the other is breaking the bank.

#423 Things they didn't tell you before becoming a mom - You will pick the insurance that is called "The Well Child" insurance because overall your children are fairly healthy... that and because it would save you the most money. (The catch though is you only have 3 covered doctor's visits.)

#424 Things they didn't tell you before becoming a mom - Your child will get things that will completely gross you out... and could infect the whole family - i.e. pinworms.

#425 Things they didn't tell you before becoming a mom - You will go to the doctor saying you have been infected to save from using one of your son's three visits because you know the doctor will treat the whole family.
...and on that said visit you check into the doctor's office at 4:15.
You are sent into a room at about 4:45.
You wait patiently until 5:25.
Then you decide to check on how MUCH longer...

...except when you walk out... all of the lights are out...
...except for one room across the hall where the door is slightly open and conversation is going on...
You start to walk to the room when a nurse sees you, jumps up, and rushes to the door.
She pulls the door closed behind her and says, "The doctor will be with you shortly." and directs you back into your room.

Only what the nurse doesn't know is YOUR mom was a nurse... and in that split second... you saw the WHOLE staff getting their nightly debriefing.
...which tells you, you were forgotten about.

Yeah... being a mom isn't always easy.

The best costumes are not bought

Two years ago when BOTH my boys decided to be ninjas for Halloween and I spent a total of 70 bucks on costumes that they NEVER touched again, I decided I was done!

Last year, I re-lived how much fun it was (when I was a kid) to design and make our own costumes. I went on and on about it.  I allowed my boys to search the internet.

They decided to be a cop and an inmate. I bought them sweatpants outfits (one black and one navy blue - $20 total, plus they could wear it afterwards) and made the rest by hand.(Yes, those are hats made out of poster board.  Yes, that is a ball and chain made out of a dog chain and tin foil. - What can I say??)

This year, again, I planted the seed.  

Colby's was easy... His best friend was going as a nerd and he wanted to be one too. 

Glasses - $1

Suspenders made of white duck tape (from last year's costume) and chip clips - free

happy (nerdy) child - priceless

Now Sam's took a little more time and thinking...
Lab coat from school - free
rubber cleaning gloves from under the kitchen sink - free
red paint - 77 cents.
Sam being EXTREMELY happy because he got EXTRA candy because people liked his costume the best - priceless!!

Today would have been my mother's birthday

Today is mother's birthday... She would have been 71 years old.

That's hard for me to imagine.

She was young and vibrant... even at 56 (the age she was when she died.)

Sometimes it is hard to believe that was 15 years ago...

I tried not to think about it too much today... It makes me sad, not just because she is gone, but because I hate that she is missing out on everything now... especially her grandchildren.

I saw this poem and it perfectly describes how I carry my mother with me everywhere I go.

and then my brother posted this on FB...

The moon, a day past half full, but rising, a friend and I outside, a table of teak and festive Spanish tile beneath the whisper of trees wrapped in twinkling lights, a refreshingly cool night, amid a pleasant clatter and chatter of those around us with their glasses and plates half consumed, ice melting in our own margaritas, deciding slowly ourselves what to eat, amid easy conversation, the waiter back twice to check, finally served, and the moment makes me think of you, perhaps out of something, or out of nothing, uneasily, from a dinner unfolding now, to so long ago, and the present convivial conversation goes on floating above the memories so far below, the idea of your birthday, gone uncelebrated since a decade and a half ago, but the wind catches my napkin and your memory, and the distraction carries you away, again.

Yes, my mother was a writer... she passed that down to her children.

I love and miss her daily.

A sign he really loves you

How do you know he really loves you??

He knows that you have had a long week because of Parent/Teacher conferences...
and the day after he learns what your favorite candy bar is...

You have 2 of these on your kitchen counter when you arrive home. :)

It's amazing what you'll hear, if you just listen...

I have always been a people watcher.
Some people might call it 'nosy'... I call it 'interested in human interaction'.

This weekend I spent the whole weekend with Ty and his whole family.
I loved to sit and watch the interaction between them all and listen to their conversations.
It's funny... to be an outsider who is allowed in to a tight knit group where nothing is being filtered .. and have to figure out all the little quirks and inside jokes and who feels what about whom.

Ty knows I love to eavesdrop.
He knows that I catch conversations that most wouldn't.

At the beginning of the weekend, he kept coming by me and saying, "This is what's happening." I'd reply with, "I know." and give him a little smirk...

By the end of the end of the weekend, I was telling him what was going on.
At one point and time, I was dozing on the couch almost asleep, when a conversation came up that I had info on.
I sat up and answered.
Ty was like, "I thought you were sleeping! ...Always Ms. Ears."

But the more I listened and the more I learned... the more I know how much I like him... and his family!

Who will make my lemons into lemonade?

Earlier this year, I wrote about an Sonny, an elderly gentleman who works at our local amusement park.
A couple weeks ago, I stopped at Sonny's lemonade stand like usual.  We greeted each other warmly and I asked Sonny what was new with him.
With a beam across his face and a glint in his eye, he told me he was retiring.
His reasoning??
His 86 year old brother had fallen ill and his handicapped nephew would now need his help. So he was retiring to take care of the both of them.
I jokingly told him he wasn't retiring, just changing jobs... but that I was glad he could be there for his family.

Customers began filing into line behind me, so I told Sonny congrats again and that we would miss him...
I walked away.
My bestie, Laura, looked at me and said, "You're not done with him, are you?"
I silently shook my head.
"Go" she said. "Go do your thing, so you don't have regrets."

So, I turned back around and got back in line.
Sonny gave me a smile and a questioning look.
"When's your last day again?"    "Next Saturday"
 "And what time do you work on that day?"    "11-6"
"And what's your favorite type of pie?"  "Now... you don't have to do that!"
I smiled and told him that I knew I didn't have to, but that I wanted to...

He finally concluded that cherry pie would be nice.

So, cherry pie it was...
except...I had never made cherry pie before...
Others, yes. Cherry, no.

But that didn't stop me.
I had cake deliveries galore...
I had thought that I wasn't sure where I was going to squeeze my pie delivery in...
The boys joined me and at 4:30 we arrived in Sonny's line.
There were lots of people there... and I saw that same mundane action and the deadness in his eyes that I saw the first time I met Sonny.
I told the boys that we would wait until there were less people.
A gentleman walked up and said, "Excuse me. Are you in line?"
I responded, "Kinda... we're here to see the one serving the lemonade..."
"Oh! Must be grandpa." as he smiled.
I smiled back... yep, that is why Sonny touched my heart that first day... because he reminded me of my grandpa.

When the line cleared, the boys and I walked up. Sonny didn't notice at first, his head was down.
"Hey Sonny!"
He looked up and smiled. "I thought you had forgotten..."  
"Sonny, I will never forget you!"

We handed him his pie and we stood and talked until his lines filled up with customers again.
We gave hugs and said our goodbyes... knowing I may never see Sonny again...

... and knowing that I would never quite enjoy frozen lemonade quite the same ever again.

A real man

I have always been a self-sufficient woman.
My momma taught me to be that way.
Anything that my brothers could do... I could also do... and vice versa.

The men I have dated in the past saw that self-sufficient woman... and took full advantage.

Can I cook?
Sure.
So why wouldn't I cook for me ...and them?
Maybe... because I don't really like to cook...

Can I mow my own grass?
Sure.
So why would they need to mow it for me?
Maybe... because I don't really like to cut grass...

Can I buy my own chocolate?
Sure. In fact, I do... a LOT!
So why would anyone need to do it for me?

You see... this man... the one that I have had this undeniable spark with...
He knows I don't like to cook, so he cooks for me.
He knows I don't like to mow grass, so he tells me I will never do it again as long as we are together.
He knows I like chocolate, so he buys it for me.
... because he says even though he knows I can do it, he wants to do it for me.

Strangely enough, it's hard to let him...

insomnia

The minutes.
The hours.
They go flying by.
...and here I sit awake.

With thoughts of nothing... and everything ...filling my mind... My being.

I wish I could just let it all go.

Go to a place of slumber... of deep solemn peacefulness.

I wish I could be certain.
I wish the days wouldn't fall into my nights.
I wish for heavy eyelids earlier than midnight.

Yet, here I sit... awake.

I need a nap already

So... I was up till... well let's not even say it.
Let's just say... I was racing against the sun rising.

But all of my baking and decorating is done. (and this is after I decorated those cupcakes Thursday night...)
Here's what I accomplished in those wee hours...

First birthday party

 smash cake

 fall birthday party

 engagement cupcakes

retirement pie

yep.

I need a nap

Crazy Cakes

So, I have been a little busy baking tonight.

okay... that's a lie...
I've been A. LOT. busy,

I have baked 4 dozen cupcakes and 6 cakes... majority of decorating happens tomorrow.

I know. I know.
Go to bed already.

Bitten by the... dare I say it??

So... I'm dating someone.
Yep.
(insert giddy grin here)

So...remember back about a month and a half ago when I was trying to convince myself that the spark didn't need to be there for things to work out with me and a guy?

Yeah... well, I was just lying to myself... and, I guess, to you for that matter.
Because the spark is HUGE!

After I broke it off with the nice, but no spark guy... my neighbor (who I had a HUGE spark with, but I had decided NOT to go there) decided that he would pursue me big time.

I resisted.
Really, I did.
I told him about my wall... and that I was a runner...
He kinda reminded me of Spencer (my ex-boyfriend) and I was fearful.
Fearful of getting hurt again.
So I was honest with him. (Being neighbors we had already kinda shared things like this)
Every day since, he has made it his mission to prove he is not Spencer.

The one thing that has been the most different so far is that he is pursuing me.
I have never had that.
I always pursued the guy... if I liked a guy I just hoped that he liked me just as much.
Ty tells me everyday that he is thankful for me and me being part of his life.
Things have just fallen into place for us and it's comfortable.

I hadn't written anything before because I was afraid I might jinx myself.
I mean... things are just going TOO good and I didn't want to rock the boat by being too happy about it. (I know, stupid, right?)
We have done the "tell the kids" things and now we are starting to meet each other's family/ important people.

It's kinda strange for me... I haven't had "someone" that was MY "someone" for a long time. I really had started to give up on it... But I'm so happy that he found me and didn't give up on pursuing.

So yeah... I'm extremely happy!
Don't mind me... I'll just sit over here with a goofy grin on my face... cause I'm pretty sure I've been bitten.

the dream catcher

I've always had vivid dreams.
In my childhood, I would many times not know the difference of reality and my dream world.
I would ask my mom why she would allow such things to happen ...only to find out that they really didn't.

In my adult life, interpreting dreams has helped to ease the fear and tension my dreams bring.

I (unfortunately) have passed my vivid dreaming onto my son, Colby.
Any time he is stressed, he will have night terrors.
Many times (if it's not too bad of a dream) I can just tell him that he is dreaming and he will just go back to bed...
Other times though... he climbs up me and screams bloody murder, telling me to not let them hurt him. I tell him I won't, but he looks right through me, hearing me, but not seeing me and tells me that they are, they are hurting him and then he screams... and it breaks my heart.  That I can't do anything but  hold him ...and rock him ... and sing to him ...and try not to cry because I can't take him out of that world that seems so real.

Not too long ago, Sam came home from school with a dream catcher...he knows of my vivid dreams.
He told me he was going to put it on my door to catch all of the bad dreams.
I smiled and told him thank you.

About a week ago, he asked me how the dream catcher was working.  I told him it was doing great!  That I hadn't had any bad dreams... and honestly, that was true.

In the last week, Colby has had night terrors every night.
Tonight, before bed, he asked me if he could borrow my dream catcher.
So... tonight it hangs on his door.

We've made it to midnight so far... Let's just hope it catches the rest of the bad dreams the rest of the night.
...and if it does, I don't mind sharing my dream catcher permanently.

You get what you pay for, right??

I have become a HUGE fan of Groupon.com
I love trying new places, but more than anything, I love a good deal!
Always have.

So, earlier in the year, I purchased a Groupon for $32 for a $329 picture package for a family picture.
The boys and I haven't had professional family pictures in several years.
I just couldn't justify it... because I have a nice camera.

But, I also, couldn't pass up the great deal.

But see... I'm kinda a procrastinator.
So... here I was at the end of August with my great deal and an expiration date looming.

So, I call to make an appointment.
The photographer told me that she didn't have any openings before the expiration, but that she would honor the coupon. (YAY!)

The day came for our photo shoot... Colby wakes up with a fever. (of course)
I read the fine print and it says you have to cancel with a 24 hour notice.
I consider calling, but I decide we are gonna tough it out.
(I also considered calling because I hadn't heard from her, but I didn't want to seem too OCD.)

So that afternoon, I leave directly from work, race to pick Sam up from school, race to pick Colby up from his dad, make them change clothes, and race to the meeting spot. (We were taking pictures on location.)

We were to meet at 5:30. We arrived at 5:20. We wait... and we wait.
Finally at 5:40 I call and say, "Um... hi ______Photograhpy. This is Dawn. Am I at the wrong meeting spot?"
There is a pause.
Then, "Who's this? I don't have anyone on my calendar today."

Yeah...

Well... let me just tell you... the boys and I don't dress up for nothing and since the photographer was an hour away, she rescheduled... and we headed home.

But then I stopped.
I couldn't do it.

I turned the car around and headed to a location I knew about...
and we had our own photo shoot.

Not bad for doing it myself, huh?

Why I go to work every day

I come home exhausted daily because of her.
She wears me thin.
You wouldn't think one child could do that.
... but she does.
Single-handedly.

I have to repeat myself... and then address her personally.
She is on the floor... and under my desk... and on someone else's desk... and sharpening her pencil... and taking someone else's scissors... and gluing someone else's paper... and... and... and...
All within the time that it takes for me to turn my back.
I know I shouldn't turn my back.
I sometimes wish I did have eyes in the back of my head.

All of that every day.
Constant attention.

And then she draws me this...

Yep. That's why I get up every morning... and give a little one the constant attention she needs.

My "People of Wal-Mart" birthday Party

For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about by my title... well... you're missing out... or maybe you're not...
Heck, when I go to Wal-mart (a discount store) I don't want to see these things... but then again, it does make me laugh.

So... here is the actual website... if you want to go check out what I based my party on.
Or maybe you just want to watch the video... that's what really prompted my party.

Thankfully though, I have some great friends that have my sense of humor... and are willing to play along.

So, without further ado, My "People of Wal-Mart" party...

We, of course, had to have a cake made like their famous smiley face stickers!

Well... here I am in all of my loveliness... 

I know some of you are out there thinking, "What's wrong with that???" 

But trust me... if you are "discount shopping" you don't need to be in your "clubbing" attire (or lack there of.)

Then we had the "Wurldz Best Mom"... 

Yes, she really is pregnant... NO she didn't really smoke or drink!!

Of course, she proudly showed off all of her "kids".

Then we had the infamous saying on the shirt with a exposure to go along with it. 

We wouldn't want to forget the "cart guy"... I mean how could you miss him in that vest??

Or the person that thinks they are a rock star...

How about the guy that has stains all over his shirt and wears socks with his sandals ??  

Oh yeah, and don't forget about his teddy bear tattoo.

Or the girls who you wonder who taught them to match...

Or the ones who thought pants were an option...

  How about the holy rollers...

 Who believe it's their job to convert others in the store??

 But, of course this couldn't be a full fledged "People of Wal-mart" party without the person who thought crapping their pants and still staying out in public was the decent thing to do.

Yeah... we had a great time!!  

Everyone is already asking what the theme is going to be next year...

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches.

Has anyone ever asked you how you were named?  Do you have an interesting story?

I feel (as a parent) that a child's name should have significance... meaning... a good story to tell why they are named the name that they are.  So when someone asks them, they can hold their head high and proud and tell their story.

Maybe I feel this way because of my story... here is the story of how I was named...


My parents hadn't found out the sex that I was... it was common practice back then, but they had picked out names. (Come to think of it,  I never thought to ask what boy name was picked for me...)

Anyways, I was supposed to be named Teresa Marie (for Mother Teresa and the Mother Mary - my dad was a devote catholic.) At the time my mom was pregnant with me, my dad was an adjunct college English professor in Alaska. He wrote a story about an Indian father who had to name his child before it was born.  The Indian father named his child "Dawn" for the dawning of the day.  My dad did a lot of writing at the time and didn't ever tell my mom about that story that he had written.  My mom came across that story one day as she was cleaning up the house.  She read it, but thought nothing more of it.  The morning I was born (at 4:56 am), my dad (not knowing my mom had read the story) hesitantly asked my mom "Could we name her Dawn instead?"  Since my mom had read the story, she immediately understood and said, "Yes! It fits her perfectly!"  They didn't want to COMPLETELY get rid of the names that they had mulled over, so my whole name is Dawn Marie Therese.

I love telling that story.
I love that I have a story.
Tell me your story.

A little OCD

I think back... in High school I could tell when my teacher had moved my desk even just a tile.
It threw me.

I hold on to things way past too long.
I never know if I might one day need them... there is a security in knowing I have them.

There are certain things that I have to have a certain way...
Even if someone else has done it ( and has done a fine job), I have to redo it.


But I never thought it went much further than my little quirks...
until today.

Today it was pointed out to me that because I don't adjust well to change, I can't move forward in a relationship.

Because I hold on to things too long, I haven't let go of things from my past relationships, which is preventing me from moving forward with a new relationship.

Because I have an image of how a relationship should be ...and so far none of them have been that "certain way", I can't moved forward because there are no do overs.

Yep.
Who knew breaking up with a guy would be such an eye opener?
and that he would be so open to opening my eyes...


“We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Who knows... maybe one day I'll be famous

Soo... guess what I'm doing today??

I'm going to an open casting call for a national commercial.
How cool is that?!

I decided after my divorce (after I had limited myself for so many years) that when opportunities presented themselves, I would take them. It didn't matter if they were new, or scary, or downright "Who does that?!" kind of stuff... as long as it is legal, I'm willing to try it.

So last night, I sat down to watch the 6 o'clock news (something I NEVER do.) and they flashed about a 10 second segment on who to contact to be part of this.

I'm really excited!! (and just a little bit nervous) but you only live once, right?

Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them -- a desire, a dream, a vision.

So my school is doing this sports theme this year for our character building activities.
... and someone got this bright idea that it would be SO great for all of the teachers to bring in sports pictures of themselves from HS and the such.

Let me just tell you... I love that my boys play ball... I  love to go to a live ball game... but that is about the closest to sports that I come.

I mean, not everyone grows up playing sports. I was in speech and debate and in school plays and in the choir (and maybe... possibly in the band at one point and time... but we won't talk about that...)

So... yeah, sport pictures of me are nil to none.

But put me in a good Oompa Band and that's another story.

Oh. Wait.  We weren't talking about that, were we?? *wink*

Fine. Fine. Yes, I was in a band... So here's the picture I submitted:

Me in all of my baking loveliness

So I promised you yesterday that I would scan in the picture from when I won the recipe contest.

So here it is...

Yes, I was a senior in high school.
Yes, I did wear a turtleneck and an XL sweater.
Yes, I was bigger back then than I am now... but I have never been what someone would constitute as an XL.
Yes, my mother did convince me that I looked GREAT in that XL sweater. lol

I am my mother's daughter

Today I got a new cooking magazine.
It had a recipe in it for sour cream coffee cake.
The picture looked good and I had all of the ingredients...

So I have spent the last 3 hours making 2 of them.

Do I need two coffee cakes??
No.   ...but I was willing to make it so tomorrow all of my friends can tell me to keep or lose the recipe.

Growing up, my mom used to try out new recipes ALL the time!
I can remember sitting and waiting (dentist, doctor, hair salon, etc) and my mom would be reading magazines, finding new recipes, and copying them down.

When we got home (or sometime in the near future), my brothers and I would be the guinea pigs.

More often than not, if the recipe came across with rave reviews, it would get entered into the local recipe contest.
Yes. I can honestly say I have won a recipe contest.
I won $50 and a big country ham. (I don't know why but this makes me snicker.)
It was for Apple Cheese Bars.
Let me know if you want the recipe... I'm sure I still have it somewhere (Kidding!  Of course, I still have it!)

In fact, I will try to scan in the newspaper article tomorrow if I think of it... Cause I know you all want to see me in all of my high school loveliness. (Trust me.. nothing to call home about... it was back when my mother/society convinced me that wearing clothes 2 sizes too big was in.)

I remember that recipe well... my mom had read it, but we hadn't had a chance to try them out before the annual recipe contest (My mom collected a LOT of recipes!!) So when we got the call that I  had made it to the tasting finals, we had no idea what they would taste like. I won my category and ended up tying for the grand prize.

All of my brothers have won in a category.  My older brother, Michael, won the grand prize one year as well.  He, in fact, won a couple of years before me.  That was the last year they held the shopping spree for the grand prize winner.  I'm sure when the local grocery store agreed to award the winner of a recipe contest, they assumed it would be some 80 year woman, not a 17 year old boy.  You had 3 minutes to get as many groceries in your cart.  My mom got us to the store an hour before the shopping spree was supposed to begin.  She discussed with my brother the path that he should take, what things he could take time knocking into his cart on the way... but ultimately, my mom's goal was to get him back to the meats.  Michael was told he needed to load up his cart with steaks, crab legs, shrimp, and anything he could grab. (My mom, being a single mom of four kids was no dummy :) Due to strategic placement, Michael had loaded one whole cart  as he raced down the aisle. Then picked up his next cart and headed for the meats.  He had to make sure he was past the finish line with his cart when the time was up. He continued to knock things into both carts as he headed back down the aisles. He won a little over $300 worth of groceries.  Like I said, that was the last year of the shopping spree... so I won $50 and a big country ham. (*snicker*)

Yeah... I sure do love me a good recipe.
Too bad you aren't here... I'd share some coffee cake with you.

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night.” ― Charles Fisher

I had a dream last night.
I think it is my subconscious roaring it's little head.

In it, I had just arrived home from a date with Thor (that's what I'm gonna call the guy that I have been dating  from online.)
But when I say I arrived "home", it was actually the house that I grew up in as a kid.
Spencer (my ex-boyfriend) was in this dream. Supposedly he lived across the street and was stalking me. (I think that my subconscious put Spencer and my hot neighbor together into one creature - which is valid because in certain aspects he does remind me of Spencer.)

(Wow... there may be too much back story to even type out this dream.)

Any who...Spencer was out front of my house starting fires and threatening to burn down my house. Then he was stalking around the outside of my house trying to look in the windows.  Finally he was naked and jumping off the porch into my boys' kiddie pool. All throughout I was annoyed by all of these actions.

I had finally had enough and headed to the backyard where we had a shed.  I walked into the shed and all of my boxes from my past that were in disarray before were neatly stacked along the edges of the shed walls.  This "cleaning" had been done by a tall, country fellow with a cowboy hat and an elderly gentleman.  I thanked them and told them what a wonderful job they had done.  Then I wondered why I had been messing with all of these other guys that were driving me crazy when I had one here in front of me that helped make me feel sane again.


I have my theory as to what the dream means... anyone else want to give me their interpretation??

I can do it myself

"I can do it myself"

Words I have heard muttered from your lips since you were two.
Always Mr. Independent.
Always ready to charge forward to the unknown.

But now I know it's true.
You are getting to the age that you can do it by yourself.
...and as your Momma, I am proud and sad all in one.

Back to school

You know a tune is catchy when YEARS after you heard it, you still hum it.
One of those for me is the Billy Madison song "Back to school"



So if you hadn't guessed it we started back this week...
My babies are 2nd and 4th graders this year...

Where has the time gone??

I'm not (nor could I ever be) The Bachelorette

I know. I know. I have fallen off the Blog-o-sphere again.
It's because I have been conflicted...
So I didn't know what I should or shouldn't write about.

You see.. I have had 2 guys vying for my attention lately.
(Sounds great huh? Don't fool yourself.)

You see... I'm one of those gals that dates only one guy at a time.
I feel guilty if I do have more than one.
I almost feel like I should be apologizing.
In fact, I know I have apologized a LOT lately...
... because I don't want to hurt anyone...
... because I'm so indecisive...
... because I know I don't know... and what's worse than that?

So here's the back story... and even though I don't have an ending to share with you yet, I feel like I've decided enough that I can share.

I have a guy that I met on-line.
We started talking back in mid-June.
I told him that I wanted to take things slow... and he has been VERY respectful of that.
He has my sense of humor.  I have been my utterly goofy self around him and he finds it "cute" (his words, not mine.)
He sees my need for space and allows me that.
The thing is... I think we might be cut out to just be friends.
I don't get those warm fuzzies all over when I think of him.
I think of him... but that is because he is now woven into my life.  I think of something funny that I know he will get and I want to share it with him.
But I don't think "OMG when am I going to see him again?!!"
And this worries me...
Am just leading him on?
Am I being fair by waiting it out to see what's to come?

The other one is a neighbor.
For six months, we have been doing the friendly "hi" and giving a wave.
He finally asked me out last week... I had been waiting for this what seemed like forever so I had to go.
We clicked instantly.  We had that spark...
... I was SO torn.

Here I have a guy that is nice as the day is long, but with no spark... and in the other hand the spark but things in his past that make me worry...
What to do? What to do?
I stressed about it ALL week.  I literally had a knot in my stomach and couldn't eat. (Not necessarily a bad thing considering I'm still trying to work off the ten pounds I put on this summer)

Finally I decided that I have followed the spark before and all it got me was heartache.
Trust me... I really do believe that the spark needs to be there... I just need it to NOT cause me physical pain in the form of guilt of having two men and not knowing what path to go down.

So, I told the neighbor thanks, but no thanks. Needless to say he wasn't happy with my decision, but we are trying to make the best of "just being neighbors".

So... here I am... waiting out the guy that I don't have a spark with...

What do you think??  Do you think there needs to be an initial spark?  Do you think that a spark can grow over time?  Or do you think I should ditch them both and start over anew??

Yeah... I am confused as ever. This should be NO surprise to anyone.. especially me. lol

I *MIGHT* need a 10-step program for overpacking...

This weekend is my annual girls' weekend.
Here's what I have packed in my bag (now mind you, this is for 3 days)

• 5 pairs of shorts with tops to match
• 3 sun dresses
• 1 pair of pajamas
• a dozen pairs of underwear (Don't ask... I don't know why I would need this many...)
• a swim suit
• 3 pairs of shoes 
• a light sweater

I know. I know. It's ridiculous...

But I can't help it.

I hate being unprepared...

...and I don't know for sure what we are doing so I have to plan for the every occasion.

I also packed a book, DVDs, and my laptop.

(Yes... we are planning on doing things.  Yes, I am planning on seeing and visiting with the girls...Don't ask me why I would think I would need these things of distraction.)

So... does anyone know of a 10-step program??  Because I think admitting you have a problem is always the first step.