You know my dad?!?

I'm sitting with my summer school group eating lunch. It is always a fight as to who gets to sit next to me at lunch.  It's something that secretly makes me smile.  Today, J. won the position. She is an ESL student and she is the sweetest little thing possible!

We are all having conversations and all of the kids are talking over each other trying to get their story told to me before lunch time is over. The little boy across from me finishes his story and I respond with "No way, Jose!"

Just then J. pipes up, "You know my dad?!?"
Me: "What sweetheart?"
J:"Jose. You know my dad?"
Me : (giggling) "No babe. It's a saying... Do you ever say 'No way Jose' to your dad?"
J: (looking confused) "No...I just call him Dad."

I will never be able to be able to hear someone say "No way Jose" without thinking "You know my dad?!?" LOL

Trust

I don't know why it rattled me so much... I've had students lie to me before...  I've had students steal from me before... it just... really. freakin. hurt.

You see... I have this student that comes and checks in with me.  He does so because he is known for lying and stealing.  It's like his little daily "conscience" check before he starts his day.

At first, you could tell he didn't want to be gracing my doorway every morning... We talk about things that we do to prove people can trust us.  And at first I could see his eyes roll, even if he didn't physically do it, but I saw less reports of lying and no new reports of stealing... and I felt like we had a rapport.  I guess you could say that I was giving myself a virtual pat on the back for breaking ground with this kid.

Until today.

Today, he got caught going through my desk drawers... which caused the realization to hit that the candy bar he "got" yesterday (that his mom emailed to see if I had given to him because he said it was from a friend) was FROM MY DRAWER! And then when I point-blank asked him about it, HE LIED!

I'm not gonna lie.
I trusted him.

Despite what everyone else told me... I like to give kids the benefit of the doubt (until they prove me wrong.)

And today... Today, he proved me wrong.
And it crushed me.

I guess I wanted to believe SO badly that I had made a difference and in one quick action, I felt as if I failed.
Funny though... How HE did the wrong action and yet *I* feel like I failed.

That's why people don't understand teaching sometimes... Because when our students fail, we view it as a poor reflection on us... Or at least I do.

And I don't like to fail.

Not mine

Another year is starting.

Tonight was open house...
This night used to be filled with anxiety and excitement... LOTS and lots of excitement... because it meant I was meeting a whole new group of smiling student faces and I knew they were mine.

I saw lots of smiling faces at open house tonight.  I got to stand at the front door and greet as everyone came in and say good-byes as they all left.

...But it wasn't the same.

Even though I again will have every student in the building, none of them are mine.  I'm not sure I will ever get over this part of it.

It especially made it worse when former students of mine came back (because of younger siblings) and gave me hugs...

... because they all know that once they are mine they are always mine.

Better than a box of chocolates

It's Teacher Appreciation week.

This week when you are a normal classroom teacher is filled with gifts and surprises...
But this year, that's not me... I'm a "specials' teacher... and I have come to realize how often they are left out of the loop.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not here to complain about not getting gifts... Quite the opposite.

You see... During times like this, when I am feeling a bit invisible... all it takes is just one child.

My little friend who has been checking in with me all year, that I have been forcing to change out of her stinky clothes into clean ones on a daily basis, so I can wash hers, so she can gain confidence about herself...  She arrived at my door today with a letter to me.

The letter said how I was the best teacher in the district because I listened to her and cared about her and that she knew she could tell me anything and it would still be okay.  It was a page long... a whole page from a child who struggles to write a few sentences for an assignment.

It made me cry!!
A box of chocolates has never done that...

A mirror reflects your appearance. Your heart reflects your soul.

Some parts of my childhood I keep buried.
Somehow though, teaching finds a way to bring things to the surface that I don't think about or haven't thought about in a VERY long time.

This morning my little friend that comes and checks in with me, was mad. Like boiling mad.
She wouldn't hug me or look at me.  This anger was directed at me because yesterday I made her follow directions when she didn't want to.

So, even though she is required to come see me in the morning, she didn't want to be here.
Every time I tried to say something, she responded with "I don't care!"

I got down to her level.  Without out even thinking, something deep within me came out and said, "I get it. I used to be you.  I used to say 'I don't care' because it is a whole lot easier to tell people that you don't care... and to put up a wall then to let them in... because if you let them in, they might just disappoint you... and let you down.  So, instead we say we don't care... but really... we really, really do care!"

As soon as it came out, it took me back.
I think back to my early teenage years when I was SO mad at my mom that my family wasn't "normal" because of my parents' divorce... and I would yell, "I don't care!" any time she would give the same explanation as to why we weren't around my dad.  Don't get me wrong... my mom made the right choice to leave an abusive marriage, but being a "Daddy's girl" clouded my judgement many times and left me very, very mad.

Throughout the years, I have repeated those words many many times, "Whatever. I don't care." and I learned to keep a stone face. I felt like giving up emotions in front of someone else made me feel like I lost something to them...

Then later, alone, I would cry and scream, and ask "Why?!!" even though no answers would come.

So, yeah... "I don't care" carries a lot more then I ever thought about until today.

She waited until I hugged her good-bye.  She didn't hug back, but she was definitely showing that she DID care.

A hard nut to crack

Because I'm not in the regular classroom any more, I am given students that "check-in" with me at the beginning of the day to start them off right and then they come back at the end to tell me how their day went.

I have 2 girls that come and see me.  They are basically complete opposites of each other, one is friendly, yet doesn't take care of herself physically.  The other is a perfectionist... she is hard nosed, has guarded emotions and tries not to show any emotion. However, my strategy has been the same for the both of them.

Every day, I welcome them with a smile, give them a hug, and then before I send them on their way, I say, "I love you. Have a great day!  I'll see you later."  (Honestly, the same things I tell my boys before I leave them in the morning.)

Normally, I get back "K. See you later."

I get it... They may not hear this at home.  They may be embarrassed to say it in return...

But, today, after being out of school for a week due to snow...
Today, I before I could say it to my stubborn, hard nosed little one, she said, "I love you! Have a great day!"

I caught the lump in my throat long enough to say, "I love you too!"

Yep.  Today was a successful day.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.

This quote just oozes into me...

Any time I wanted my students to know that they were REALLY in trouble, I whispered. (You're MUCH scarier when you whisper.)

Any time I wanted them to know it was something SO important I didn't want the whole world to know, I whispered. (I'm a loud talker by nature.)

Any time their tiny heart broke mine due to things beyond their control, I whispered. (Because I knew that loud voice of mine would crack with emotion if I didn't, but I still wanted them to know how much I cared.)

Yes... Those whispered words... they speak volumes.

I hate the internet because it lies

It was my last class of the week... Full of 2nd graders who take half of the class period just to log in.
We have been talking about how to make secure passwords for the past 2 weeks.
So, I gave them a short quiz to see what they had learned.

I had this one little boy who wasn't answering the questions as I read them.
I kept coming by and encouraging him to keep up with us.
It didn't work.

So, I asked him to stay after.
I asked him why he wasn't doing the quiz. (I thought maybe I was going to fast for him to follow along)

"I hate the internet!"

What?!  What did that have to do with where we were at in our class??

But I knew I couldn't have him hating my class all year, so I asked, "Why?"

"Because it lies!"

I told him I understood.  That there are websites that say things that I don't agree with, but that the wonderful thing about the internet is that if you don't agree with something a site says, all you have to do is close out of that site.  It's that easy.

You know that light bulb moment that teachers long for?  It happened right then.

His eyes lit up.  He put on a smile and said, "Hey! You're right! Will you help me with this quiz now?"

I know this wasn't some big revelation like when algebra FINALLY clicks, but it made my week when I really needed a smile.

Out of place

Normally by the end of the 2nd full week of school, I'm back in the groove of things...
But not this year.
This year, I feel completely out of place.

I don't feel part of a team any more... because I'm not.

Sure, everyone in my building is a friend of mine.  I get along with them fine.  But there is a difference when you struggle the same struggles and rely on others around you.

I am the only one in my boat.

People keep asking me how I like my new position.
All I can say is that I'm adjusting.
No one wants to hear that I feel like I've been dropped off the cruise ship in a little row boat and I'm out in the vast ocean rowing alone.

No, they want me to say that it is great!  That it was the best decision ever made.

So, I keep telling myself that it will get better...
That I will enjoy all of this extra time...
That good things will come out of this.

But right now, I feel a little out of place.

You can't put toothpaste back in the tube

Ever since the Random Act of Kindness, I have been in a weird funk.

It was like emotions that I had bottled up had been knocked loose... and now I can't catch them and successfully push them all back in, like too much toothpaste that has been squeezed out.

I know these emotions are because of the uncertainties in my life.
I don't like uncertainties.

You see... I will no longer be teaching third grade next year.
I keep saying it, because I honestly am trying to convince myself that it is true.
I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself.
I'm so VERY proud to be a teacher.
I know I will still be a teacher... it just won't be the same and I am finding myself relishing in each thing that I know will be my "last"... and fighting back the tears.


Todd has been great.
He keeps telling me how wonderful this new position is and how they picked ME for a reason... because they knew I had the mind-set and the out-of-the-box thinking that is needed.  That I shouldn't be scared and to keep moving forward.

My student teacher has also been great.
To start off, she seriously got mad at me when I told her I was leaving the classroom.  I know that doesn't sound like it would be helping, but it affirmed that *I* really was making a difference where I was at.
It also showed me that I could make a difference on a bigger scale.

It has made the twinge of pain just slightly less when my principal told me today that she was going to hire my student teacher to take my position.

I don't know why... but knowing it will be her makes this transition easier... Maybe because I know she will let me come visit any time... and I know my partner in crime, SD, will be treated well.

Anyhow, if you see me anytime soon and my eyes are red and puffy... Let's just say it's because of allergies, okay?

I wish I had a crystal ball

I was presented with something today and I don't know what to do.

You remember a few years back when I was told by my district that they had created a position just for me, but they needed to just jump through the necessary hoops before giving me the job?  And then I didn't get the "made-for-me" job?

Yeah... well, it hurt (needless to say), but in the end, things worked out for the best.
I had an amazing year the following year with an amazing student teacher!  (Which I really needed after my first student teacher experience)  It really re-sparked my fuel for my love for the classroom and I honestly haven't looked back.

I have, however, been working on my Masters and looking forward.  The thing is... I don't know what my future is looking like.  Up until today, it was me continuing in the classroom doing my thing... continuing to have student teachers and share my love of teaching with them. (Yes, I have another one... she started last Monday - so far she is great!)

But now I have been presented with a possibility of another position for me to apply for... and I don't know what to do...

Because, you see, I'm happy where I'm at.  I love the kiddos and love teaching! Also,  I see all of my friends who used to love it too and who that have now moved to district positions wish they were back in the classroom, but the district has put too much into them so they don't really have that option... and I am worried that I would be stuck in that place too.

But I also know this position would be a stepping stone for things bigger and better right in line with my masters...
Ugh!!  Decisions - How I loath thee!!!

Frazzled

This is the perfect description of me since returning to school here in January.

You see, my student teacher started the first day back - a week ago Monday.
It was great for her because she is so very excited, but for me it meant going in the last couple of days of my break to feel somewhat organized since she wasn't supposed to start until this Monday.

Since then, things have not gone smoothly for me.
I'm sure she thinks I'm a complete and utter dingbat and wonders why they would place her in world of a crazied scatterbrain.

I'm really trying to show her how to be prepared and things to do, but my overfull plate keeps making my "ideal organized example"  a complete and utter mess.  I think today was the first time I didn't have anything go wrong with the lessons, or my copies, or the kids just being ...well, unpredictable kids.

So, if you see me and I look like I've been through the wringer, just smile and help me fix my hair... cause chances are it's crazy like the rest of me.

I'm normally ready

Normally by this time of summer I have had my fill of fun.
I have stayed up WAY too late and slept in.
I have traveled and felt like I actually had time with my boys.
And, normally, I'm ready for school to start.

But this summer, I taught summer school ... and tutored... and took master's classes.
I know in the long run this is a good thing...
but here we are, at the time I should be heading into my classroom to get everything ready...
and I'm not ready.

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety

Tomorrow is the first day of school.
...and you would think I would be up late because I was SO excited.

But I'm not... excited, that is.

I'm sure it's the fear of the unknown. (You'd think with it being my 13th year I wouldn't worry about that.)

But see... this year our principal is making us departmentalize.
And despite the fact that I have some really awesome ideas about what I want to teach the kids... I'm afraid I won't have that close bond with my students since I will have them 90 min and send them on their way.

You see... that bond, that is why I continue to teach.
I love that I can have a kid that will drive me up the wall all year long and then I miss like crazy once they move on.

My superintendent challenged our staff to make sure they are building strong relationships with our students... and that is what I'm worried about.  I will miss out on by not having them all day... and that since I will now have 75 students instead of 25, I won't connect deeply with any of them.

I've had a headache for a week... and a stomachache for 2 days... worrying about missing out on something that is yet to come.

Silly. I know.
I hope I have great things to report after the first week...

When something doesn't feel right, it's God's way of telling you to turn around

I know in my last post I was floored.

But the strange part about it is... from day one of my assistant superintendent coming to ask me if I would be interested in that job, I was nervous.

Any time anyone would ask me about it, I would have a pit in my stomach. I would down-talk my chances of getting the job (even though the higher ups had assured me I was a shoe-in). I even convinced the gal, who got the job (a friend of mine), to apply for the position. (duh. I know.)

I tried really hard to tell myself that it was just because of the unknown... but really it was about what I knew I would be missing - the kids.

Sad that it had to be my ex, R, to point that out to me while I was dragging down in the bottom of the dumps the day I found out that I didn't get it.  He said, "You are a great teacher. Who is going to take care of the ones like RW if you don't?  It is for the best."

And he was right. (don't tell him I said that ;)

She is a different child... and for this I am glad

I feel like I have had all these things that I have wanted to sit down and say...
and yet, I haven't had the time.

No time for blogging... I suppose I should view that as a good thing... I mean, my life is filled with time with my man and my boys...  but my brain doesn't ever seem empty.

Blogging empties my brain.

So... here I am on a Friday night emptying my brain so I can sleep.

Last year, I went and talked to a second-grader because her dad was abusive and they had moved into a safe house. I was called upon because I had been there myself.

This year, I have that child.

I don't think of that day very often because she is a different child this year.
She is outgoing and spunky.
She is friendly and humorous.

...and it makes me wonder...
how she broke that shell so quickly?
And why I still feel like I am still some days breaking out of that barrier that I put that many years ago as a child.

Yes, I'm glad that she didn't have to make it to adulthood and still question her mother's decisions to go back repeatedly to an abusive man... and wonder if that is why her opinion of relationships is so poor... or if that came with her own wrongdoings.

No, I'm glad she isn't faced with all of that... because she is truly a different child.

What makes them think *I'm* the one for the job??

I know I have made a name for myself...
I know I have become known as that teacher... You know... the one that straightens the naughties out and still loves them unconditionally.

I get that.
...because I do.

But it seems like the second grade teachers are putting dibs on me earlier and earlier each year.

Today (yes, it IS January!!) I was told by a second grade teacher that I had been chosen (I'll use that term lightly) for one of her students next year.

This little one is completely full of disrespect.
I see him in the bus line and my blood boils over some of the things he says and does.
...and I wonder...
Am I really the one he needs??

I mean, RW, despite wearing me out every day, is at least trying... She just can't control her impulses.
I don't see that effort from this child.

I'm not one to judge the book by its cover...
but right now, this is not a book I'm interested in diving into and getting to know better.

...and honestly, I'm kind of disappointed in myself... because I enjoy a good challenge... and I know when I don't have a challenge, I feel like this...
But right now... I think I would take that over him.

Who knew it would spread so quickly?

My principal came up to me and said, " What did you do to R.W.? She has changed. Seriously. She is like a different kid."

I don't know why... but I got completely embarrassed.
I then shared my little secret of the 'I love you' squeeze.

My principal then hugged me and said, "Giving them what they need... that's what I love about you.  You have probably forever changed her."

Our computer teacher was listening into our conversation and piped up and said that she had seen R.W. in the hallway yesterday and (knowing how naughty she can be) she asked her if she could join her in walking back to my classroom.  R.W. quickly grabbed her hand, squeezed three times, and said, "This is mine and my teacher's special 'I love you' squeeze."

I guess I never really thought about how something so small could mean so much... and others would notice so quickly.

The 'I love you' squeeze

When I was a kid, my mom would slide her hand into mine and give three quick little squeezes.  I don't remember her ever coming out and telling us that it meant 'I love you', but I do remember her whispering it into my ear sometimes as she squeezed.

I loved it when she did it!

A lot of times, it was when we were in a room full of people.  I was a shy kid and just knowing we had our own little secret message would make me feel loved and secure.

I, of course, have passed the 'I love you' squeeze onto my boys. (it makes me think of my mom every time I do it.)

Colby has created his own little version where he squeezes 4 times back for 'I love you too.'  Other times he comes back with multiple squeezes and I have to ask what the message was because he squeezes many more than 4.  He will then whisper it into my ear.  I always giggle because it is something long that I would never get... even if I guessed.

This year I have a student, who makes sure I earn my paycheck, yet I love dearly.  She doesn't have the greatest home life (her mom died when she was young), so I try to share as much love with her as possible.  I give her hugs (along with my other students), but she needs that love to be taken a step further.  She hugs me and kisses my cheek and tells me she loves me.  I have never had a student kiss me before... at first I was taken back and embarrassed... but then I realized she needs to show that love and know it's okay.  She had also gotten in the habit of shouting, "I love you Ms. T!!!" no matter if we were in the classroom or in the hall.  So, this week, I introduced her the the 'I love you' squeeze.

I never thought I would share this special thing with a student... I had always imagined that it would be that special thing just for me and my own kiddos...

But this week as she shouted to me down the line in the hallway, I walked up to her and whispered in her ear and said, "This is a special secret squeeze I used with my boys so we can tell each other that we love each other without saying a word.  It's called the 'I love you' squeeze and it is just 3 squeezes." and I squeezed her hand 3 times.

Every time I walked passed her for the rest of the week, she would grab my hand and squeeze three times.

I have a feeling that I will be getting a lot more of them the rest of the school year... and I also have a feeling she will pass this tradition down one day to her own children.  I hope she thinks of me when she does.

Real or not?

This time of year the conversation amongst third graders is normally about Santa.
The debate about whether he is actually  real or not.

Normally.

But this year...
... this year, my students debated whether mermaids are real or not.

Santa wasn't mentioned.
Not once.

The jury is still out on the mermaid debate.