I am searching for something that just isn't there. I look back on my life and the person I was when I was younger has faded and gone.
When I was a teenager, I had such strong faith in God. A faith that was unyielding to others' denouncements. A faith that pushed me to stay on the straight and narrow that was expected. But also a faith that made me believe that those who do wrong, are just that, wrong.
In college, my faith and my morals were still strong. I went to a Christian college and was surrounded by people who believed. Yet, somehow I found one man in the mist of all these faithful men and that is who I chose to date and then eventually marry. A man that continued to promise me that he would join me in church, but never did.
Also, during this time, my mother was killed in a car wreck. My faith dwindled greatly during this time. I could not see how God could take someone from this world when there were so many people here that depended upon her.
I was raised that you go to church as a family, so because R. didn't go, I didn't go. Once Colby was born, I started to take him, but the church by our house was small. I didn't like to answer (and make excuses) why my husband was not attending services with me and my son.
So I stopped going. I stopped going to be amongst people that I was afraid would judge me.
As my world crumbled around me and my divorce came to fruition, I humbly began going back to church. I solely went back to have some normalcy in my life. To ask God for some light on this dark and lonely path I was on.
Then I began to date Spencer. Another man who was not actively living a Christian life(even though he had had faith at one time, no longer did) . Again, I fell away from attending church. If I had to choose between being at church or being with Spencer, Spencer won each and every time.
Since my break up with Spencer, that has become a requirement for the men I date. So far I have done well.
But as I sat in church by myself this morning, (which I have never done before, if I don't have my boys, I don't go.) all I wanted to do was cry.
Cry for the faith that I have lost. Cry because everyone sitting around me is a couple. Cry because even though I was sitting amongst hundreds, I felt completely alone.
I know my faith is supposed to fill me with comfort for the times when we feel alone, for with God, you are never truly alone. But today, I just felt alone.
So, I asked God to remind me of the things for which I should be thankful. I sat in church reminding myself that even though I may not have all that my heart desires, I still have so much. I have children... children who love me and who will forever be a part of my life. I have a home... a nice home that is above and beyond what I deserve. I have a job... a job I love and what more could I ask for then to go to work daily doing what I love. I have friends... friends that are honest and truthful and stand beside me through the good and bad. I have family... a family that even though we are so quirky and odd sometimes, we are quirky and odd together, and that is what makes us great.
And with that, I asked God for strength. Strength for my faith that has wavered so over the last 15 years. Strength for taking on this realization and actually doing something about it. Strength for being patient and receiving a Christian man in God's time. Strength for appreciating a closed door as it can lead to an opened window.
I don't normally speak about my faith in God. I guess I have felt that for someone who feels so unsure of herself in her walk with God, maybe it isn't safe to share it with others. But I'm seeing now, that being unsure is what leads us to God and others whom we can lean upon when the path is not clear.
Right now my mind is going in about 50 different directions... I am trying to maintain my classroom, and help out the new teacher that is completely overwhelmed with all of our "programs", while figuring out how I am going to help a student in my room who is not ready for 3rd grade... but also can't be "left behind".
I'm also struggling with making sure to "be there" for my own boys... we kinda got into the habit of spending LOTS of time together this summer... and now I just can't see them enough. It breaks my heart when Sam says, "I miss you mom. When do I get to see you again?" and it has only been a few hours.
I guess God knew what he was doing when things ended between the new guy and I when it did... I mean, I don't have time to breathe, much less go and try to pursue a relationship right now.
I haven't gotten into the swing of things yet, either. I still want to stay up late... I don't want to get up early... and I have NO desire to grade papers...
I am reading Eat Pray Love. Yes... I am one of those people... the ones that like to read the book before watching the movie. I'm not sure why though. I mean, normally I'm disappointed by the movie after I have the book (which, I guess, is a good thing for the author) and I find myself comparing a lot!
But that is not why I'm posting tonight. No... see... in this book there was a section that spoke to me so clearly it was as if the author knew how I was feeling and put it into words that I couldn't find on my own.
(I wish I could write the words exactly as she wrote them... she said them so perfectly! But I am a teacher and I try to teach my students how to avoid plagiarizing... so in turn I will try to summarize and tell you if you would like to read it in her words to turn to page 65 of her book.)
She spoke about how when she loved someone, she disappeared into them. That their thing was her thing. That she gave her all and then some. That she would give her men good qualities (even if they didn't have them) to make herself feel better. That their issues were her issues. How she was no longer herself... and when she had exhausted herself on one man the only way to recover from that exhaustion was to get excited over a new man. Which, in turn, starts the cycle over again.
Looking back, that has been me in my relationships. I wanted things to be perfect, so I projected all the good things that I "knew" would one day be there. If he was into baseball, I was into baseball. If he was into motorcycles, I was into motorcycles. (As a rebuttal, to myself more than anyone, I did grow to love these things on my own... but in the beginning they were not "my" passions.)
My passions were travel and photography and art. Things that rarely (if ever) happened in my marriage. Sure... we traveled to his family's house every year. But I had to beg to have "unauthorized" stops... meaning ones that did not require gas or food. And to travel out of the way to see something... PLEASE!!! It was like pulling teeth.
So it took me a while to re-find myself after 12 years of being "absorbed" by someone else's interests.
I'm still not fully there.
Spencer helped a little. He, too, like to travel. He re-sparked the travel bug in me.
But for the areas that he helped me "find" myself in, there were other areas that I "lost" myself into him. My ideas and opinions might have been heard, but were not valid. I was made to feel like the most incompetent mother around him. My ex has always told me how wonderful of a mother I am... and I couldn't understand the conflicting opinions... but because I was so "absorbed" into Spencer, I believed him. My children probably lost out on good parenting by me for at least 6 months because I felt like I didn't know how to do what I had always done... and done well.
Funny... That his and my relationship came down to me needing to choose between him or them. Silly man... didn't he realize that no matter how bad of a mom you make me feel, I will still choose them first?
So, here I am. Actually not in a relationship. Not being able to absorb into some man and his life and likes. Left to find what's left of me. So, someday, someone will see me and really seeme.
Wow... Nothing like posting every day in the month of July and then BAM!
School's back in session (or soon to be)
...and all the things I want to say and blog about have to be stored in my brain... which is not a very safe place for those things to be kept. (I have a horrible short term memory)
Which is why I, as a teacher, use more than my fair share of post it notes.... seriously... Like I should take stock in the suckers!!
I also think that is why I like post it note Tuesdays so much... cause most of the time I live my life on a post it note anyways, so why not in the virtual world as well???
Anywho... funny how my brain goes off like that...
I sat down to share pics of my classroom. (since so many of you commented that you would like to see them... Thanks for that!) ...and some how I get off on my lack of short-term memory.
See??? It's my short term memory that is causing that... or adult A.D.D. (which I probably suffer from as well) I know it's the adult form cause as a kid I was very focused... at least I think I was... I mean, I know I was a very good student! Now I am scared to take a class for the fact that I know I can't sit for more than like 15 minutes. It's a good thing I'm in charge of my own classroom. I can change the pace or topic as needed.
Yes, at the beginning of school I do so much organizing (so I don't feel scattered) that brain-wise it makes me feel scattered. Does that make sense to anyone?
I think this all spawns from me staying up late and sleeping in all summer and now having to force myself to bed at night and then force myself awake in the morning. No more sleeping till my body is done.
Speaking of which, I need to go to bed. I have to be there at 7:30 in the morning.
So I don't like to sit and wonder... and not knowing why I hadn't heard from the new guy was driving me crazy.
I thought about texting him a piece of my mind...
but then I thought, "What good would that do?? I still wouldn't have any answers."
So I texted him, "So can you tell me what happened?"
I felt like this was a non-pressuring question that didn't make me sound desperate.
He responded with "Nothing. Just super busy"
That didn't sit well with me... in this world of technology, it's not like you have to pull out a well of ink and then pony back a letter to communicate. A text to let someone you are thinking of them takes seconds.
So I said, "What does that mean?? You are too busy to have a relationship right now? Just be honest."
He responded with, "I don't think that's it. Just working a lot. I don't know."
Had he not ended it with 'I don't know', I might have felt bad for my brunt approach.
So I told him no one could figure it out for him and that it does just takes seconds to text... but I also told him thanks for the past month, that it was fun.
He responded with, "I had fun too. I really don't have the time you deserve."
His comment was sweet, I'll give him that.
Which doesn't surprise me any... he was a very sweet guy.
Which is why I am sad it is actually over.
But I am thankful for the closure... no longer sitting... being driven insane by the silence.
Seasons change The wind changes You can have a change of address
...But the hardest is a change of heart
I thought things were going well. He was into me. I was trying to accept that.
About a week ago, I did.
Then things changed.
He stopped texting as much. I attested it to him working from sun up to sun down in this heat. I (once again) ignored that little voice inside me that said, "Something's not right."
Actually that's a lie. I didn't ignore it. I heard it and wished for it to go away and then I continued down the path of 'Everything's Great'.
Since our dinner the other night, I have texted him twice. He responded. You may not think this is strange, but for the past 3 weeks he texted me every free second he got. So to only hear from him twice in 3 days... and those 2 times only be in response to questions I asked, speaks volumes!!!
Yesterday morning I texted and asked him what he had planned for the day. He responded. I said, "Oh. I was hoping to see you today. That is, unless, you don't want to see me??"
Last night I had my new guy, E., and his daughter over to my house for dinner with my boys and me. It was the first time that all five of us were together. I couldn't have imagined it better!
Dinner went without a hitch (even though I was late getting it started.) E's daughter knows my boys from school and from their little league ball games so they played really well together.
Surprisingly, Sam warmed up quickly. I mean, like talking to E within 15 minutes of him arriving! This is a monumental thing! For those of you that don't know my son, he doesn't grace everyone with the presence of his speech. If he doesn't know you (or doesn't want to get to know you), he won't talk to you. It doesn't matter if you directly ask him a question, he just hides his face or turns away (or just down right IGNORES you). So I was tickled pink by the fact that E asked who was winning the game they were all playing, and Sam turned and answered.
After supper, we all played kick ball together. When the heat got to us (and we decided that may not have been the smartest idea right after eating), we headed back inside. The kiddos played tag and E & I sat and talked and enjoyed our time together.
When they left, I was on cloud 9.
today I had my yearly check up and physical today. Let me just tell you how much I hateloathe could do without those. (I have been known to skip them in the past... Now, now, don't get all preachy on me about it!! My RL friends do a fine job of that.) My purpose of actually making my yearly appointment this time around was because of my hearing. I had started to notice that when there was a lot of background noise, I had a hard time always hearing the conversation in front of me.
First of all, let me say that I am only going to be 35 this year! Second of all, I have always had excellent hearing! So, needless to say, I was more than a little freaked out!!
So, I mention it to my doc. She looks in my ears. Right~okey dokey! Left~"It's got a little wax, let's flush it." she says.
After flushing my ear (and yes, it does feel like the worst case of swimmer's ear you can imagine!), doc checked again.
"Hmmmm... I still see some wax. Let me see if I can get it with these tweezers, if not, we will flush it again."
OMG!!!! I don't know what shocked me more... the pain or seeing the amount of wax that came out!! Seriously, it was almost the size of a marble!
Doc said, "I bet you'll be able to hear better now!"
I was appreciative and wanted to take her down (due to the pain she had inflicted upon me) all in one. I decided it was best to tell her "That REALLY hurt! But thanks!"
So... I guess, I the weekend can come now... I'm mentally and physically well!
I have to say I am always thankful for the love from other bloggers... whether it be comments or awards. With that being said, I sometimes receive awards and then do a horrible job of "passing" them on. Thanks to Coffee Lovin Mom and Angela over at The Next Stage for the Sunshine Award.
This award is given to someone who brightens your day. I'm passing this one on to these gals... who always make me laugh!!
Thank you to Second Chance Moon for the Versitile Blogger award!! Webster's Dictionary defines versatile as 'turning with ease from one thing to another'. My life doesn't elude to anything but the absolute need for being versatile!! So thanks Second Chance for noticing!
And here's some folks that have a wonderful balance between the crazy and mundane... and just keep blogging. SoccerMom cfoxes33 at See Foxes?
Thanks again to everyone who is sharing the love with me!!! I will try to do a better job in the future of 'sharing the love'!
I went on a couple of dates with a guy, B, back in April and then he told me he was going to be honest with me... he wasn't ready. I was the first person he had dated since his divorce and he just wasn't ready. I respected his choice...
He and I have remained friends... I mean, I guess you could call it that. We text each other when we have something humorous to say... or when we are passing through each other's town. He has my sense of humor and so we never are lacking for things to say.
I told him about my new guy. I didn't know how he would take it. I mean, the reason we met was to date... and even though I enjoyed my time with him, I didn't/don't plan to sit around and wait until he is "ready."
He told me my new guy doesn't know me like he knows me.
So (jokingly) I asked him, "What do you know about me??" The things he typed made me cry. He was dead on. They weren't surfacy things either. They were things that told me he has been paying attention in the 3 months that we have known each other.
Then he told me that I deserved more and that when the time is right, that person will be there. What does that mean????
My friend, Laura, told me he is doing this because he has been keeping me on "the back burner" for when he is ready... and he doesn't want me to commit to someone else, so he is making his presence fully known now.
What I know... is that B's texts made me stop and analyze what I truly want out of the guy that I date and have a relationship with. The things he said that caused me to cry are the fears that I am holding onto and aren't allowing me to push forward.
So I wrote them all down. I plan to sit down and discuss them with the new guy... It will be scary... ... but I have decided that I might want to move forward with him... and if that is the case, then I must lay it all out on the table.
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