The unexpected comfort

On Monday, I got my first mammogram. (Have I mentioned turning 40 sucks??)

The tech cautioned me that if there are any concerns, they would call me for a follow up because it is better to check it out early.

I nodded. ("Technicalities", I thought "They tell this to everyone."

But when they called me today (2 days later) to tell me that I have "dense breast tissue" and they would like to schedule me ASAP... It didn't feel like a technicality.

It felt scary.

Down right scary.

In fact, it took all of me to keep the tears from falling out of my eyes before I got to my car.

I called Todd.  I needed some reassurance that this is normal and I'm fine...Even though I didn't feel fine. I'm scared.  

All three of my aunts (from both sides) have had breast cancer. They have all survived it... but they had it.

So Todd tells me that he is sure it is fine... that there's no reason to freak out until there is something to freak out over.

... and you would think that would have helped... but it didn't.

You see... I was already freaking out!!  And to tell me not to freak out didn't stop me from freaking out!!!

So I got off the phone and bawled my eyes out until I reached the boys' school.

I knew I had to pull myself together before I went inside - It was baseball pictures and I didn't need all of the baseball parents asking questions when I definitely didn't want to share.

When I got a second by my ex, R., I just said, "Hey. Just so you know what's going on...I had a mammogram on Monday.  They want to run more tests next Wed, so I will be taking off school. Please don't say anything to anyone."

He asked me if I was okay.  I told him I was scared... and then I walked off for fear of crying again.

He walked over, gave me a side hug.  

Later, he texted, "Whatever happens, we'll get through it."

Strangely enough... Not telling me everything was going to be fine, but that we'll get through it was exactly what I needed to hear.

This day in history

It's a day I don't think of anymore.
It's a day that once held such significance to me and one other.
But once you are divorced, this day, that was once celebrated, is just another day.

Sixteen years ago, on a Friday much like today, I was a young bride...

One who got a speeding ticket on her wedding day because no one she knew owned a cell phone and her brother had arrived at the airport but no one was there to get him, so she jumped in her car and raced to get him...

One whose bridesmaid cousin missed not one, not two, but THREE flights out of Wisconsin and is lucky she didn't get replaced...

One whose florist decided to cancel on her 3 weeks before her wedding when the florist realized it was the same weekend as Mother's Day...

One whose best friend's mom stepped up and made sure all was taken care of, especially when it came to the flowers and the photography...

One whose new mother-in-law got lost and called from Springfield, Illinois thinking she was in Springfield, Missouri...

One who walked down the aisle with a smile beaming across her face until she saw her soon to be husband bawling and then lost it as well.

One whose dog was not allowed in the church so they took pictures with him outside...

One whose bridesmaids and groomsmen filled her car with birdseed and found pieces of it in her car 12 years later... (Yes, the birdseed outlasted the marriage)

One who was so young and so naive and believed that once you got married, things got easier.


So, you see, in another life, this day meant something...
...but, today... Today, it is just another day.

it hasn't been easy

People see how R and I act around each other and they say, "Wow. You guys make divorce look easy."
Most of the time, I just smile and say, "We're doing what's best for our boys."

However, it hasn't been easy.
The pain.
The hurt.
The crying.
The questions.
The guessing and second guessing.
The insecurity.
The feeling of worthlessness.
The stone face to prove that you are fine.
The pulling yourself up because up is the only direction you can go.
The belief that you will make it through.
The forgiveness.
It hasn't been easy.

So when a friend is wanting to divorce his wife and tells her, "It will be fine.  We will be fine.  Divorce is easy, just look at R. and Dawn."

It takes ALL of me to not shake him and tell him that it is ANYTHING but easy.

Trying to listen to that little voice

You know when you have a feeling... but you just can't put your finger on it... but you know something more than is being presented is going on...

Yeah... I have been having that feeling lately with R.  He suggested that we meet for dinner with the boys before the ball game tonight.  I was like, "Okay. Whatever.  What time will you guys be here?" and then just as quickly as he suggested it, he took it away.

Again, no skin off my nose either way.

Then later tonight we were trying to figure out this weekend's schedule and he offered again, "How about we meet for lunch before the game?"  I told him I couldn't because I had to drop Colby's little friend off.

I mean R and I are friendly enough... It's just that I got that little weird feeling that you get when something is just not quite right (Trust me I have ignored it many times before) and it makes me worried.

Not worried for me... just worried.

Wicked Stepmoms only Exist in the Minds of Bitter Ex-wives

I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for R's girlfriend, K.
I've said before how wonderful it is that she and I are friendly with one another.
She has done a wonderful job of making my boys feel loved, but not make me feel like I needed to be edged out of the picture. (Been there.)
Plus she's willing to let me cuddle their new little bundle of joy repeatedly.

R. and I have tried to describe our relationship to people that don't understand it.
We consider each other family.
(You hope the best for your family... but sometimes they can drive you batty!!)
In the end, you want them to be happy.
K. has made R. happy and for that I am thankful.
I'm also thankful that my boys know nothing of wicked step-moms.

Babies... Such a nice way to start people

I know for majority of the world they would think of me as a crazy woman to say that I'm excited to go meet my ex's new baby.

And maybe I am... Crazy that is.

Or maybe I just love babies...

Or maybe I have just moved past the past and am okay with the future.

Was it emotional?  Sure. My boys were pinging off the wall with excitement and  I'm very excited my boys got to be the first to meet their sister!

Was it stressful?  Not at all.  I know that it is not only a unusual situation for me but also for K., R's gf... I mean, here I am the ex coming to see your new baby.  But I'm very thankful for K.  I'm thankful that she doesn't try to replace me, but I'm also thankful that she is okay with my presence.

And she let me snuggle that little bundle of joy... Yep, babies can't help but love them... No matter what.

My boys with their new sister, Lila Mae.

I may have the last name as them... But...

I don't know why I have struggled so much this summer.
Maybe it's because my ex is having a baby...
Maybe it's because I don't know my place or role anymore...
You see...
My boys have gone on a 2 week family vacation with my ex and his WHOLE family.
Vacations I used to go on.
Places I used to go to.
Family I used to see.

And even though R's family has been tremendous to not exclude me in most things, the truth is I'm an outsider... and will forever more be an outsider.

I have no desire to be back with R.  Please don't think that.
I just miss that I'm missing out on adventures and family time... with a family that I dearly love.

The ties that bind... and choke... and sufficate

I saw friends of mine today who are a couple...
Last year, they went through experiencing infidelity in their marriage.
(Been there, done that.)

I'm proud of them because they have decided to fight for their marriage.

But the changes that I see in them make me worry for their marriage.

You see, they are both outgoing people.  They each have their own interests that take them their separate ways - or at least they used to.

Now, though, they are together all the time.
I mean, I get it.
The one that was cheated on wants to know where their spouse is all the time so the infidelity doesn't happen again. (It was maddening when I would call and call and call R. only for him to nonchalantly be like, "Oh. Well... The game ran late." or "Parents just now picked up their kid." hours after he told me he would be home and he didn't seem to understand why I was going bonkers and thinking he was cheating again.)

I also get that the one that did the cheating wants to prove that nothing is going on... so they only go places when their spouse can join them.

But what I am seeing is that it is killing their marriage... these two happily independent people are now shackled together everywhere they go and even though they are together... it doesn't seem as if they are.

I'm not advocating for divorce... Please don't get me wrong.  I'm just afraid that if things don't change for them... that is where they will end up anyways.

My ex is having a baby

"How many kids do you want?"
"Three - two boys and a girl"

That conversation between me and my ex rings in my head.
It has several times over the years... especially when others talk about being pregnant and I say "if the time was right... I would have another."

But it doesn't seem that the time has (or ever will be) right.

And I'm okay with that... most days.
However, when my ex calls up and says that he has news... and the news is that he and his girlfriend are having a baby... and am I excited for them??

I can't seem to muster it up.  Not yet anyways.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want him back. I don't want to have a baby with him.  I just want another one of my own... and my door is quickly closing... and for that reason, I am sad.

Torn between two worlds

This weekend, Ty (the guy I'm dating) and R. (my ex) both had family weddings. For R., it was his little sister.... who I have known since she was 7. For Ty, it was his dad... who has FULLY embraced me into his family. (For those of you that know me, know I don't have a relationship with my own dad... so dad relationships are important to me.)

I struggled which event I should attend.

I was told by friends that without a doubt, I should be going with Ty.  The only problem with that was that I was making the wedding cakes for R.'s sister and had to be there delivering them RIGHT when Ty's dad's wedding started and my boys were in the wedding party.  Plus, R.s family is still my family.  (The unfortunate part is that it is family that I really don't get to see any more...) So I had decided to just go to R.s.

The night before the weddings, I was supposed to be cake decorating.  Both families had rehearsals and rehearsal dinners.  I decided to take a break from cake decorating (time I didn't really have to give up) to go to Ty's family's dinner.  I got a lot of "Oh! I didn't think you were going to be able to make it! I'm so glad you're here!!"  Needless to say, it made me feel good... but at the same time, I regretted not being able to be at the wedding.

Last night, I attended R's sister's wedding.  They loved the cakes.  I loved being able to see my boys take part in their aunt's wedding.  I loved seeing her awesome reactions - because she doesn't hold back how she is feeling... and neither does her new hubby.  I loved seeing all of R.'s family - They were my family for 10+ years and I miss them!!  Needless to say, I was happy that I was there...

...but at the same time, I felt like a third wheel.  R.'s girlfriend was there... and even though her and I get along great... Family picture time was MORE than awkward. I mean, I didn't jump into a picture with just him and the boys... but when they said "Okay, let's get a picture of the whole family." I didn't step up.  Then they were like, "Dawn, you too!"  Then at dinner, they said, "These tables are reserved for family"... Did that include me??  I honestly didn't know.  So I sat at the kid's table with my boys... and sat back and watched the adult conversation at the next table, feeling even more like I didn't belong.

I'm not sure I made the right choice...
I'm not sure I made the wrong choice...
I'm not sure there was a right choice.

But what I am sure of is that I was torn... and I have a feeling this won't be the last time.

Sometimes ignoring is the appropriate response

Let me just tell you... ignoring is not what I want to be doing right now.

Walking up to W. and shaking her and saying, "My child has finally gotten over the hurt you have put in his life!  Why must you come back for more??!!"

You see... 2 and a half years ago, R and his girlfriend at the time, W. broke up because she cheated on R.
Colby had grown very attached to her. Because we, as parents, didn't tell him why they were done (that is NOT a conversation you have with your 7 year old), it was hard for him to move forward.

He cried and had nightmares. My heart broke because there was nothing I could do to heal that pain.

Time does a wonderful job of healing it though... along with R. finding a wonderful woman who sees eye to eye with me.

And I thought we were done with that hurt... but W. started coming to the boys' ball games last week and she came again tonight.  She has moved next door to one of the boy's families that is on Colby's ball team. Her reason for coming??  To supposedly support her neighbor.  But what she is really doing is dragging my son back through past hurt.

We arrived home tonight and I got the boys ready for bed as usual.  It's normal for Colby to talk in his sleep.  Many a nights I stand at his door and listen to the "conversations" he has with his friends or with Sam.  But  tonight, it fell into a time that I thought we had moved past. Night terrors.

He thankfully woke up fairly quickly and I took him into my room with me.  But I know it has to do with her.  I know that he still can't process that pain.

I just wish she could see it and understand.
I just wish she that move on and stay out of the vicinity of my children... because if she really did care for them, I would hope that she would think of them instead of "supporting the neighbors".
I wish I could shake her and tell her to "Please just stop!!"
But instead... I will just ignore her and hope my son doesn't see her.

The change I was looking for

This weekend, my ex, R. and I rode together to Colby's, our son, basketball game.

Some might find this strange.
Others might find it commendable.

Whichever way you swing, it doesn't matter to me.  Or to R for that matter.
We are both glad to be in a place that things are great in our separate lives ...and in the life that still connects us.

We had a conversation though that made me mad and sad all in one.
I told him how it really hurt me that he didn't value me and our relationship back when we were together.
That he put baseball (and everything else for that matter) before me.
That I was SO happy for him and K. (his girlfriend) but I didn't understand why he didn't value our relationship like he did theirs.

He told me that he was sorry and that it was ALL him... that he has changed a lot over the years and has learned many things - one of those things being where relationships lie in his priorities.

I, being the sometimes self-deprecating person that I am, turned it back on myself.

Did he not value me because I didn't value me??

I have always been a positive person, but high on self esteem, I have not.
When relationships have failed and guys have treated me like sh*t, I have always viewed it as something I did or didn't do.
But maybe it wasn't the doing but the being that resulted in my treatment.

I have come to a place in my life where if you don't want to treat me well, I don't need you...whether it be friends, co-workers, or boyfriends.

I haven't been in this place long.
Less than a year, actually.

But in this year, I decided it was better to be happy alone than to be stressed together with someone.

And, strangely enough, like people always say - When you stop looking, you will find someone.
But I don't think it was so much in me not looking, as it was changing what I was looking for.

And so far, what I have found is happiness and a sense of self I have never had before.

Geek-ing them up

So... R. (my ex) called to talk to the boys today.
Before I handed the phone over to them, he asked me what our plans were for the day.
I told him we were headed to The Science Museum of Houston.
His response, "Wow. You're really geek-ing them up, aren't you?"
He said it sarcastically, but it pissed me off!!


I realize that sports is his life... that he is trying to make our boys' lives all about it too... but that's why I'm here.
I'm here to show my children that there needs to be a balance in their lives.
That it is okay to enjoy art and music... and the sciences.

We learned about dinosaurs...

Look out Colby!!!

 The insects...

riding the giant catepillar

pink kaydid

Uncle Michael don't let that giant beetle get Sam!!

What is it Sam?

Love all of these boys!

 And the laws of motion...

Colby & Shane on the gyro- sphere

So... at least for today, consider my children geek-ed up.

If he had to pick one out out of the two...

I know that my ex, R. and I don't always get along... in fact, sometimes I wonder how I ever could stand to be in the same place as him.

Then he does something like he did yesterday...
He walked up to me at the boys' ballgame and said, "Hey. how are you today?"
There was just a seconds pause in my response of saying, "I'm fine." and he caught it.
"I know you better than that, Dawn. What's going on?"

I told him about my dad... and the confusion that I struggled with. He listened intently and told me that he knew I would make the right decision.

Then I watched as he headed out onto the ball field to coach and cheer on our boys... to be fully an intricate part of their lives.  I have told him before that he was a suck-ass husband, but that he is a wonderful father. For my children's sake, out of the two, I'm SO glad that he is the latter.

Decisions I have no say in

My ex husband, R. told me yesterday that he plans to get back into coaching.
I asked him if he was ready to kiss his children good-bye.

I know it will be more money for him and I know that is where his passion lies.
But I don't think he has ever viewed the world from my eyes (or soon to be our children's eyes)

You see... the term baseball widow was an understatement.
I jokingly tell people that the reason that my boys' birthdays are 4 days apart is because there was a 2 week window in July that I saw my husband.  But the thing is... it wasn't a joke.  He coached ball year around.
Never did I have a birthday or anniversary that I celebrated with my husband... because there was always a ballgame or practice that had to be attended.

Coaching was his life... and it became mine.
I was NOT number one.
It wasn't right... I know that now.

But what I also know is that my boys are used to having their dad being a BIG part of their lives. (He got out of coaching when Sam was 2 and Colby was 4.) I don't want them to think back on their childhood and think of their dad as being gone and being a part of other people's kids' lives.

But this is not something I have a say so in.
This is a decision that I don't get to make.
And even though I am a great mom... I'm not their dad.
I just hope and pray that my ex thinks of every aspect before he not only changes his life, but theirs as well.

It's the ones you aren't looking for that get you

My ex, R. knows me.
He knows how to push my buttons.
The thing is... lately.. he has been pushing buttons of mine I don't think he knew existed.
Like the "We get along and everything is great" button.
You'd think that was a good button, but you see... I wasn't the one who was the demise of our marriage, he was... and so when he is too nice to me, I slip.
Don't get me wrong... I don't slip in the sense that I want to be back with him, but I slip in the fact that my mind goes to that place that never was and never will be...
What our life would have been like if things had worked out... the perfect little family that I always wanted.
It's a twisted thought, I know... because I don't want to be back with R, I just want that "perfect family."
But when R. pushes that "We get along and everything is great" button, my only defense is to push away and be mean... because in my eyes things aren't always great.

Ghost of Christmas Past meet Ghost of Christmas Future

Christmas has always been a special time for me... but it has also been a hard time for me.
My mom was killed in a car wreck on December 27, 1997 and because of that, it is so very important to me to spend Christmas with my boys.
Thankfully, I have an ex-husband who gets that.


You see... my Christmas morning consists of: My boys waking up, them waking me up, me calling their dad(my ex, R.) and his parents.  Then they all drive over. We watch the boys open presents. We make breakfast together and spend the morning together.  


It's just what we have always done.
It's what I hope we always do.


I'm not trying to hold onto what I used to have.
I'm trying to savor what I still have.


I still have two beautiful boys.
I still have ex in-laws that love and care about me very much.
I still have an ex that sees the importance of me having my boys on Christmas morning.


I'm also trying to prepare for the future.


You see... I spent the day with my ex's family, and my ex, and his girlfriend.
I already know this is how my future Christmases will be.
... and I'm okay with that.


Hopefully, one day, I will have a man by my side that is understanding of this crazy extended family that I call my own and know how much happiness that it brings me that everyone is as okay with it as I am.

Pushing the line

So... I went to the Christmas party that one of the baseball moms threw.
It was good.
I tried not to feel like the odd man out.
It was kinda odd because my ex's gf was also there.
I get along with K just fine... it was just weird.  K and I don't just hang out.

We talked the whole gamut of conversation... from talking about sex with our kids to breastfeeding to pushing the line.

W. (the hostess) said that she was a line pusher.  That if a line was drawn, she crossed it and then went a little further just to make sure everyone knew she has crossed it.

I told her that I used to be the person that asked, "Is that the line?" (pointed from a distance way far away from the line) and when the line was confirmed, I would take two steps back from the line just to ensure I didn't cross the line.

I lived a safe, boring life.... but it was my safe boring life and I was happy.
Or, at least, I thought I was happy.
There was no reason to push the line because I had everything I thought I ever wanted... a home, a husband, and family.

Thinking now... I think that might have been why my ex, R. cheated... because I wasn't a line pusher.
I was reliable.
I was stable.
But I was not unpredictable.
I was not a line pusher.

When I asked my ex why he did it, he said because he wanted the best of both worlds.
That never really made sense to me before.
But I get it now.
He wanted a line pusher, (helping someone cheat takes a line pusher) but he still wanted the stability at home.

My divorce changed me.
Now I stand right on the line.
If I'm nudged just enough, I will cross the line... but I'm definitely no longer scared of the line.

Funny thing is... my ex's gf K... she's not a line pusher either...

When you thought life was simple

My ex, R., and his gf broke up.
I hurt for my children.
They have seen the demise of too many relationships.

This is why I haven't entered another relationship...
I didn't grow up with parents who were together.
I didn't see my mother in a healthy loving relationship...I knew she loved us... I just didn't see her in love.


I now know that it is just as important for children to see that you deserve that love as well... if they don't see how to give and take love... a sustaining love... a romantic love... then how can they emulate that in their own lives?

That is my one wish for my children... to have to have happy, healthy, sustaining loving relationships.

Finding my voice - Friday Confessional

I confess...When I get stressed, I lose my voice. (I didn't have my voice a lot in college - a doctor attested it to polyps on my vocal chords.)

I confess...  I have been without a voice the past few days.

I confess...I tend to do many stressful things at once... that way I get them all out of the way at once.

I confess... When I was 24, I started a new job, bought a house, graduated from college, and got married all in the same week.

I confess... When I was 27, I found out about my ex's (R) infidelity, had my first son, and chose to fight for my marriage even though I was crushed inside.

I confess... When I was 29, I went to the closing of my new house while in labor with my second son.

I confess...When I was 31, I told the school (that I loved working at) that I needed to work closer to home, found a new job, and began the process of my divorce.

I confess... I didn't lose my voice during any of those times... in fact, I think they helped me find a voice I didn't know I had.