Thursday, May 4, 2017

How much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry

Colby, my oldest, is JUST like me.

Normally I say that beaming ear to ear.
He has my caring heart and wonderfully wholesome soul that looks for the good in everyone...
...But he also got the desire to please EVERYONE, even when it comes down to the stress inducing detriment of himself.

And I get it.  I was the "perfect teenager" because I didn't want to disappoint my mom.  I stayed on the straight and narrow, so I would never be thought of in an ill manner way by ANYONE.  I lived a safe (and honestly, boring) life... But it was "perfect", and I was happy because I thought everyone around me was happy too.

It wasn't until my ex, R. cheated, did my view change... because I HAD stayed on the straight and narrow and still my car was pushed off the road and, in turn, I wasn't happy and I finally had to stand up for myself and for my happiness.

I would say, I even went a little rouge.  I did any little whim of things that made me happy.  I didn't worry about what other people thought and I grew from it...

But see, I don't want Colby to have to go through something like that to find his voice.  He worries about anything and everything (like I do) and currently he cries to relieve his stress.  This infuriates his dad.  He dad doesn't believe that a teenage boy should cry like that.  But I get it.  My thoughts consume me some days... and on those days, I don't sleep.  Thankfully, I have a husband now that gets it and helps to calm those thoughts and lets me talk it out... which in turn helps me sleep.
It is also why I started to blog.  I needed to get the thoughts out.. and after I mentally "vomited" all over the page of the computer screen, I felt better.

Colby isn't like me when it comes to writing.  Words don't pour out of him.  But I need to find something... Something to help him feel less stressed... Something other than crying... Because,even though I don't care if he cries, his dad does... Which causes MORE stress because of his dad's reaction to the crying... and then Colby is stressed out  more and then I hear about it from my ex which stresses me out and then every body is stressed...

So... Any suggestions for relieving stress would be appreciated.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017


I don't know why it rattled me so much... I've had students lie to me before...  I've had students steal from me before... it just... really. freakin. hurt.

You see... I have this student that comes and checks in with me.  He does so because he is known for lying and stealing.  It's like his little daily "conscience" check before he starts his day.

At first, you could tell he didn't want to be gracing my doorway every morning... We talk about things that we do to prove people can trust us.  And at first I could see his eyes roll, even if he didn't physically do it, but I saw less reports of lying and no new reports of stealing... and I felt like we had a rapport.  I guess you could say that I was giving myself a virtual pat on the back for breaking ground with this kid.

Until today.

Today, he got caught going through my desk drawers... which caused the realization to hit that the candy bar he "got" yesterday (that his mom emailed to see if I had given to him because he said it was from a friend) was FROM MY DRAWER! And then when I point-blank asked him about it, HE LIED!

I'm not gonna lie.
I trusted him.

Despite what everyone else told me... I like to give kids the benefit of the doubt (until they prove me wrong.)

And today... Today, he proved me wrong.
And it crushed me.

I guess I wanted to believe SO badly that I had made a difference and in one quick action, I felt as if I failed.
Funny though... How HE did the wrong action and yet *I* feel like I failed.

That's why people don't understand teaching sometimes... Because when our students fail, we view it as a poor reflection on us... Or at least I do.

And I don't like to fail.