30 days of Truth Revisited: Day 1:Hatred

I did the 30 days of Truth back 7 years ago... I did it to jump start my blogging when I was lacking in making posts.. a time I wasn't sure I was being truthful to myself.

Here I am in 2017 and I have only made a few posts this year... I have no fear that I'm truthful to myself any more.  In fact, I'm probably TOO truthful (if there is such a thing).  But my thoughts have not made it to paper (or a screen).
So, to dedicate myself back to writing my thoughts, I will revisit the 30 days.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I have always been insecure. Something inside myself has always made me question myself.  Esp after my divorce.  It made me build my walls high... Even when my walls were ALL the way up and on the outside strutted like I was all that, I was still insecure.  I just didn't show others that.

Most recently, I guess it would be my insecurity would be with my changing body.  I hate that I am falling in that "40's" category that my body is over taking me like an alien.  I have no control over emotions or weight gain or other craziness that no one fully reveals to you that your body is going to throw at you.

I hate that I'm almost 42 and I would even need to question myself about my self image.

I mean, I'm healthy and I'm loved. What else do I need??

***Maybe I should post that somewhere for me to see daily... Cause hate is such a strong, ugly word... and I DEFINITELY don't need it in my life.

30 Days of Truth: Day Thirty: Positivity

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .

Dear Dawn,

I know it has been a rough couple of weeks months years, but you are strong. Probably stronger than you have ever been. You have grown from your struggles and even though you are not quite healed from all of them, you are making progress.

You look great! ... and you are finally getting used to having self-confidence to go along with that body you have been working for all these years.

You are an awesome mom. This is reflective every time someone compliments your children for their behavior and their ability to make smart decisions. This is the most important job anyone could ever have and you are excelling at it.

You are a great teacher. Even though this year has been full of hard times, you do make a difference in your students' lives. You know you do. Don't ever cut yourself short. Remind yourself of the compliment that was paid to you the other day... "Kids....'Those' kids, aren't the same when they leave your room. Don't give up. Do what you do. They come out on the other side better for it."

You made it! You wrote 30 days worth of truths. Some were easy... Most were painfully hard. But, you grew. You suffered some, but you grew. Growing is hard. Leaving the painful past behind is hard. Moving forward is hard. But you are doing it. Slowly. So very slowly, you are doing it.

Always remember... Too much sunshine makes a desert.... and you don't want too much rain ...

Keep thinking positively.
You can do it!
You will make it.

Love,
Yourself

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Nine: Change

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to change my inability to make a decision.
I think this has caused many of my struggles in my recent life and relationships.

I know what I want... I just don't know how to get there.

I also plan to get back to my happy-go-lucky self.
I miss that me.
She let all worries roll off her back... especially when they were too great to bear.

Funny... that I could mentally survive through watching (as a young child) my dad beat my mom, being told my mom was killed in a car wreck, and be told by my husband that he didn't love me anymore... and yet I can't get a simple thing like dating the right guy right.

Good decisions. Right decisions.
ugh... I hate decisions.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Eight: Decision

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
This is an easy one for me.
I love babies.
Mine, yours, ours.
If I got pregnant today, I would excitedly wait for the day that it joined my family.
It might be unconventional.
It might be unintended.
But it wasn't the baby's misguided doings... they would have been mine... and I would take the responsibility that every adult has that has concieved a child and do what is best for it.
For me, however, the best thing would be to raise it and love it unconditionally.
No questions asked.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Seven: The Wind

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

No question. My kids.
I am sick.
Physically I am worn down. I ache. I'm feverish and chilled.
Mentally I am worn down. I'm sad. I can't see the sun for the clouds.
BUT my boys are like the wind.
They push away the clouds.
They help to make the sun push through...they remind me of the smiles in my life.
I know I have done a great job of raising them because as I sit here chilled and feeling bad, and they are cuddled around me telling me they hope I feel better.
Blow wind, blow.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-six: giving up

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Unfortunately, yes.
Thankfully, it was many years ago... back before I had kids.
I would never do it now because of my children.
I couldn't imagine making them go throughout their lives without their mom.
I've suffered through that... I would never want that for my children.

Back when I felt like giving up, it was more out of desperation than anything.
Needing to feel like I meant enough to someone that if I wasn't around, I would be missed.
I needed that affirmation.
I remember telling R. "Well, I guess I don't matter. I might as well just kill myself."
Shocked he said, "You don't mean that!"
All I could say was, "Yes, I do." and went on to describe to him how I would do it.

I'm happy to say I never attempted anything.
I'm also happy to say that I do know know that I matter to at least two someones and I always will.

More than enough reason to keep on living!

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-five: Reason

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

This one makes me laugh.
I was not a risk taker until after my divorce.
If it was risky, death-defying, or scary... I was out.
If it could mess you up mentally, physically, or spiritually... I was out.

I limited myself in what I said or did because or the fear of what might happen.

That person is gone.

I now what to live my life to the fullest.
I don't want to be stupid or wreckless, just be able to give an answer as to why I'm still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Four: Songs

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

You Make Me Smile ~ Uncle Kracker
Upside Down ~Jack Johnson
Hey There Delilah ~Plain White T's
Say Hey ~Michael Franti & Spearhead
We are the Dinosaurs ~Laurie Berkner

Dear Colby & Sam,

I love you both with my whole whole heart.

I picked the first song 'You Make Me Smile' because when ever I see your beautiful faces and hear your silly stories, I can't help but smile.

I picked 'Upside Down' because you two keep me on my toes and allow me to see the world in a different light and I love you for that!

I picked 'Hey There Delilah' because, Sam, it was the first full length song you sang to me in the car and it makes me smile anytime I hear it now.

I picked 'Say Hey' because it has a great beat and because I know one thing... that I love you!

I picked 'We are the dinosaurs' because this is our song!! The game we created would have never came about without this song... and our gametime is one of my favorite things to do with you!

Love,
Your Momma

I know it says to just post the titles... but I don't work that way... not when it comes to music. So... here are the videos of each if you are interested.











Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Three: Wishes

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I would have valued my time as a single adult (before children) and traveled the world.

I wish that we had taken that honeymoon. I wish that we would had gone into debt and traveled to Ireland like we had planned instead of being "responsible" and taken our travel money and paying our taxes in one lump sum and then stayed home.

I wish I would have climbed the highest mountains and swam in the warm deep blue sea.

I wish I would have gone and experienced and engulfed myself.

I know there is still time in my life for these things, but I just wish they had already happened.


Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-Two: Regrets

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I hadn't had sex with someone I didn't love.
I know now days this is not uncommon, but for me it is.


Time has past since it happened... and I don't like to admit that it did.

I still have conflicting feelings about it.

This is what I wrote after it happened:
---
I didn't know.
I didn't know things would be so confusing and weird.
I didn't know that I would like someone and yet feel guilty.

Guilty for crossing a line that I wouldn't normally cross .
I know that he thinks less of me for crossing it.
Despite the fact that he says he doesn't, I know he does.

I am ashamed.
Ashamed in myself.
Knowing better... yet giving in.

Giving in is not something I do.
Giving in is what gets you into trouble...
and here I am.

Troubled by what might have been.
Troubled by what I can not change.
Troubled by what I long for and desire and just can't seem to bring to fruition.
---
Yeah... It did open my eyes to the fact that I will never allow that to happen again.

More to come...
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty-one: accident

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This actually makes me laugh... not the car accident... or the fight... but the question.

To think that a measly little fight would stop someone from running to the side of their best friend who has been in a car accident makes me question this world I live in.

Maybe I have different relationships then most people.
I don't find it strange to rush to comfort acquaintances ...much less friends.

Fights don't occur much in my life... and when they do they are normally quickly forgiven... and if they aren't quickly forgiven, chances are it is because the other person is a repeat offender ...and this isn't the first time I had to forgive them, so I am having to weigh the value of our friendship against the offense they are committing.
Yeah... dropping friends doesn't happen for me often.

That... and a car wreck hits close to home for me... that alone would make me forget the fight. My mom died because of a car wreck.
Most days, I have to suppress my fear of dying in a car.
It is worse on wet and cold days.
I know it would never be healthy (or feasible) if I allowed that fear to overcome my life, so I am just that much more cautious on those days.

So if my bestie were in a car wreck... I would rush to her side.
I would hold her hand and tell her I was there and to not to worry... that everything will be fine.
I would hug her family ...and hold and comfort her children ....because I consider them my family.
I would do all I knew to... and then some.
...because some silly fight would never change the fact that I care deeply for my friends.

“There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed” ~Napoleon Bonaparte

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

30 Days of Truth: Day Twenty: Addictions

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
These are not my addictions.
I have never tried drugs... nor do I ever plan to.
Alcohol ...I normally intake in limited quantities.

My grandpa was an alcoholic.
I remember when I was about 5 or 6, walking into his apartment on Father's Day.
The stench of puke engulfed my nose.
I didn't know why... why he was so sick.
There were bottles everywhere.... and rinds... lime rinds.
My mom rushed us out before we could wish him a Happy Father's Day.
As a kid, these things don't make sense to you.

Now... don't let me lead you to believe that I have lived some angelic life where I have never drank and become drunk...
No. That would be a lie.

I can honestly say I have been drunk more times since my divorce than I ever was in college....or my early 20's.

I won't make excuses. Alcohol has a strange way of bringing people together.
It can also go the opposite way though... and tear people apart.
So... I guess that is why I limit my intake of it... because I don't ever want someone to have an image etched forever in their brain of me being drunk... and them not understand why.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

30 Days of Truth: Day Nineteen: Untouchable

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Ha. Religion and politics. Didn't anyone ever tell you that those are two subjects that you don't breech?
Well... Since I am not very political, I suppose that I will speak on religion.

My religious views have changed over the years.
I was raised in a Christain family.
In fact, not going to church was not an option when I was a kid.

I have always believed in God.
No questions asked.

Even through my "dark" years, when I blamed God for my motherless life... I still believed in Him.
And then... there was the time of my life that I couldn't face the inside of a church as I felt everyone inside was judging me. That's when I had to come to the realization that worshiping doesn't have to occur inside a "special" building... it just has to occur.

I am not a Bible thumper.
I don't share God with others as much as I should.
But I am a believer.

If you aren't the same religion as me... that's okay by me.
I just don't want you to change me to yours... and I promise not to change you to mine.

I feel violated when people don't think I have enough religion in my life.
When they feel like my "involvement" is not maximized.
In fact, it makes me do just the opposite.
You push me to do more... and I want to do less...

It is when you allow me to come on my own... to volunteer (what I am able to give) that makes me feel okay.

Obviously, I don't have the "perfect" realtionship when it comes to religion... thankfully I have forgiveness... and that's all that matters!

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

30 Days of Truth: Day Eighteen: Gay Marriage

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

My thoughts on gay marriage lie close to home. My older brother is gay. I think I always knew it. When we were in HS, he "dated" a girl. I found it strange. When we were in college and he "revealed" it to me, I wasn't surprised. I was worried, but I wasn't surprised.

I was worried because even though I knew my brother was a strong willed person, I was concerned for the ridicule he might endure. I'm sure he has endured a lot, but I don't know about it first-hand. We don't have that type of relationship. He doesn't share that with me. I don't know if he thinks he is protecting me or what, but he doesn't share it.

People (normally before they know about my brother) have made statements to me like, "Don't they (gays) know they are sinning against God?" Who am I to judge who is right or wrong??They are happy... which makes me happy. It makes me sad, however, that my brother doesn't come to visit me because I live in a more conservative part of the country. He knows what it's like here... we grew up here... which is why he moved right after college.

He has been in a relationship with his boyfriend for over 10 years. I wish for him that he could marry the man he loves. They share their lives and a home... but not a certificate of marriage. ...and despite my conservative upbringing, that saddens me.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

30 Days of Truth: Day Seventeen: Guidance

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

The book is Eat Pray Love. The author spoke words that I wanted to form in my brain to describe myself, but couldn't... About how I engulf myself in the man in my life...so much so, that I lose myself completely. She told how you have to find yourself before you can truly find love.

It's funny... because most days I don't want to find myself before I find love. I want love to find me and be part of who I am. It's who I want to be.


But is that healthy? Is it healthy for me to be someone who wants to be someone else's "someone" even before I "find" me?


I mean... how will I know if I have "found" myself? There is no finish line. No medal to be handed out. There is just me... knowing that things will be okay without the one thing that I truly desire... a significant other to laugh and grow old with.


I guess this book changed my views on the fact that I didn't realize I was so reliant on the men in my life. So reliant on how I viewed myself worth when I am without a man. ...and I know that's not good... or okay... That my worth should not lessen just because I am alone... That my loneliness is part of my struggle to "find" myself, so someone can love me for me.


...and just because the book opened my eyes to this fact doesn't mean I am over it. hook. line. and sinker. No, it just means that now I have to work that much harder not to fall into my own person trap of losing myself.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

30 Days of Truth: Day Sixteen: Without

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could live without my self-loathing.

You know... pity parties.

I get so depressed some days.... I can barely be around myself.

I know I'm blessed... I have awesomely wonderful kids, friends that will do whatever it takes, a loving family, a nice home, and a job that I love.

But there are days that I can't seem to get past the thoughts of what is missing in my life... knowing that someone is in love with me, having them be there to hug and hold me when I've had a rough day at school, to be the adult that I can bounce my ideas off of or just vent about my day.

yeah... those are the things that take me away from being my happy-go-lucky person to one who gripes and bitches. I could seriously do without that negativity brought on by myself.


Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

30 Days of Truth: Day Fifteen: Lost

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

This is going to sound crazy and shallow... but I couldn't live without my cell phone.
It is like my ultimate pass to all whom I love and care for.
It has all of my appointments and birthdays.
and not to mention it has become my alarm clock and camera as well.

Yeah... I have lots of friends that I couldn't live without... but I have never tried doing that... nor do I want to.
But my cell... yeah, I have been without it... and I was a lost soul. :)

“Where there is much light, the shadow is deep” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

30 Days of Truth: Day Fourteen: My Hero

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Mom,
I know it wasn't your choice to leave. I know that the icy road and the car accident took you from me. But I needed you. I still need you. Thirteen years later, I still need you. I know that you dreamed of the day that you would get to enjoy your grandchildren... they're here, but where are you? I tell them about you. They know you are in heaven. But how can I explain how wonderfully goofy you were? How can I let them now that my relationship with them isn't fully complete because you aren't here to complete the circle? I miss you Mom. Most days I block out the thought of you... because the thought of you not being here, still breaks my heart.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

30 Days of Truth: Day Thirteen: Meaning

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Daughtry,
Thank you for your song "Over You". It came out at a time when my ex-husband told me that he didn't love me anymore. It said the things I needed to say. It said the things I needed to hear. It allowed me to realize that I could start over and things would be alright.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

30 Days of Truth: Day Twelve: Shadows

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

I don't like to think about this. It has taken me so many years to view myself in a positive manner.

When I was just 7 or 8 I had a boy tell me, "You will never have a boyfriend because you have no butt."

He was right. I didn't. But those hurtful words haunted me for years.

All throughout middle school and high school, I longed to have a boyfriend. There were guys I liked, and was crushed when they told me (as a friend) the girl that they thought was cute. It wasn't ever me.

At the time, I was very quiet. Reserved. I was so unsure of myself. I wasn't raised with how to flirt or act around boys if you liked them. All I knew was how to act around my brothers and all my male cousins and the neighborhood boys. So, if I liked a boy, I got flustered and even more quiet.

Some of my best friends in HS and college were guys... because I knew how to just hang. In other words, I wasn't all flirty like all the other girls ...because remember, I didn't know how.

My ex, R. treated me like one of the guys. I knew that scenario - friends. Then we weren't just friends anymore... and I liked it.

Still, even after dating and getting married, I didn't view myself as an attractive drop dead hottie. I was just me. I didn't get it when R.'s HS baseball boys would catcall me from the field. In my head, I was just a lowly butt-less girl that had been lucky enough to find a guy that liked her for her.

It truly wasn't until after my divorce and being thrown back out into the dating world did I learn that I had sex appeal ...and more so, self confidence to not be embarrassed by the fact that I am attractive woman that men want to get to know for more than just friendship.

I'm still trying to balance it all.
Sex appeal has it's price too.
But this butt-less girl is using it to her FULL advantage!

More to come...
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)