Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

My chapter as a classroom teacher is closing.
Tomorrow will be my last day that I hold that title.
Part of me thought that I would retire with that title...

I'm sure I will eventually be able to honestly say that I'm happy about this change...
But today is not that day.

Today... today, I am overwhelmingly sad.

My room is bare - no more whimsical frogs.
All of the drawing and letters and pictures from kids accumulated from the past 8 years have been taken down.

Even with my room getting emptier and emptier by the day, it really didn't hit me that I was done until they called a third grade level meeting today... and I wasn't invited.

Then, Jennie (my student teacher -  who is taking my place) had her mom come by to show her the room.  Her mom started crying because she was just SO happy.

After Jennie introduced her mom to our students, one of my little girls, K, came up to me and said, "It was really nice that Miss S's mom came to meet us."
I smiled and nodded and said, "It was. Wasn't it?"
She then looked questioningly at me and asked, "Then why has your mom never came to meet us?"

It was innocent enough, but I still had to pause and swallow hard to be able to answer. "Because she is in heaven... I know if she were here though, she would have love getting to know you guys."

Man.  If this wasn't hard enough.
That buried thought was immediately brought to the surface.
I turned... to give myself time. To allow the tears to blink back to where they belong.  To catch my breath so I wouldn't drown in the emotions that wanted to overtake me.

Today, I am overwhelmingly sad.
Tomorrow, I can already tell you... I will be a complete and utter mess.

After that??...
Well,  I know that new things can't start until other things end... So here's to this beginning's end.

Finding the Light

For those of you that know me, I was raised in the church and was a VERY strong Christian as a child and young adult.

The death of my mom changed my path for a while.  I was mad at God for taking my mom from me.

When Colby was born, I tried to bring myself back to the church for the sake of my child.  I also, deep down, hoped that would be the reason why R. (my ex) would find the desire to start attending church with me.  It wasn't.

I hated attending alone.  I felt like I would have to answer the question of "Where is your husband?" and that embarrassed me, so I didn't go.

After my divorce, I felt like that question could easily be answered and so the doors of the church found the boys and I walking through them quite frequently.  I became part of the Education Committee and I started to feel like I had found my niche.

Then our pastor retired.  Changes began happening at our church.  I would attend church, but I felt empty there... but I didn't have an answer.  I felt like leaving my church was like giving up on someone when they are struggling.

Just recently one of my friends from church said she had started attending our satellite church and they were going to start confirmation classes geared at 9-13 year olds.  Since I had already questioned our new pastor about confirmation classes and he told me that he wasn't going to hold them until the kids reached 8th grade, I knew this was the time for change.  I feel bad that my boys aren't as well versed in the Bible as they should be.  I carry that very heavy burden on my shoulders daily.

So, we had our first confirmation class tonight.  Colby in one group.  Sam in the other.  I fought back the tears repeatedly throughout the lesson.  You see, this confirmation class is not only bringing the light to them... but it is also bringing it back to me.

The fast and slow of it

My relationship with Todd has been fast and slow.
We just seem to get each other... Many times we are thinking the same thing or react at the same time.  Things just seem easy.

Tomorrow is the 4 month mark for us... Yet it feels like a year.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is still new.

Tonight was one of those times.

Today was a weird day weather-wise.  It started out icy. Then it was just rainy, but they were predicting more icy weather.

My mom died on icy roads.

I don't normally drive when it is icy... and when I do, it is only out of necessity.

I was talking to Todd earlier in the day telling him how I wasn't sure if I would be getting out.  That several neighbors had posted on Facebook about how there were cars that had slid off.   Todd made a comment about how people around here are just overly dramatic when it comes to winter weather and that from where he is from in Illinois this weather wouldn't stop them.

I tried to explain that once he slid off a road he would change his tune.

Later we were heading out for dinner.  He mentioned that maybe we should drive separate so he could leave straight from the restaurant to get his daughter home and in bed on time. I froze.  Just for a second. The thought of driving on what could possibly be icy roads caught me.  He caught it... Maybe it was subconscious, but he caught it and said, "Nevermind. We'll come back here.  Let's ride together."  I was relieved.

Driving to the restaurant, I asked him how the roads were coming down. He said, "Oh, you know, every few hundred feet we did a doughnut, but nothing that we couldn't handle."

He was joking, but I tensed up.  

"You didn't really. Did you?" I asked.

"No, but what's a little ice?" he responded.

"My mom died on "a little ice." I retorted.

He apologized profusely.

I felt horrible for the snap of my tongue... 

It wasn't his fault.  I have told him that my mom died in a car wreck and that my brother was driving. I haven't gone into all of the details...We have only dated 4 months... and even though it sometimes feels longer, times like this remind me that it is still new and we have a LOT of getting to know each other still.

The damp and dreariness of the weather is a perfect example of how I'm feeling without you here

Today was one of those days that you plan for, but don't look forward to.

My girls and I do our annual ornament exchange.  This used to include four of us... now it is down to three.

The lost of Kel still stings our eyes with tears and aches our hearts with pain.  Two years in passing and it still doesn't feel real.

I couldn't speak out the words I wanted to tell Kel today because it would have came out in a cracked voice and it would have been by no means eloquent.

But what I wanted to tell her is that it sucks that a gravestone gets ordained with the ornaments meant for her.  That no one I ever knew could pull off a cute outfit quite the way she did (even though I tried today)  ...That our annual ornament exchange will forever be a place of pain in my life.

I love and miss you Kel!

Crossroads

I can feel it.
I can feel myself pulling away.
I don't know why... we had such a great weekend last weekend.
But I feel it.
It's the instinct that I have where I know if I go much further, I'm gonna get hurt... or someone's gonna get hurt...
... and so my walls start to go up and I want to run.

And I begin to question why I wasn't worth fighting for in my marriage...
and if I wasn't worth fighting for then, am I worth fighting for now?

I don't feel like I have that kind of fight in me anymore.
I used to be so strong in believing that good always won out.
But it doesn't.
And I don't believe that any more.

I believe there are good stents.
And you hang on to them as long as you can...
But they will end.
And when they do someone will get hurt.

So that is why I put up my walls and run...
Because the pain from running is a lot less than the pain from staying... and not being worth fighting for.
Or at least that is what I have convinced myself.

So... here I am, standing at the crossroads trying to decide a path of whether to stay or run.

A birthday wish

I wake.
It's not immediately clear that you are here with me, but you are.
I go about my day.
I read off the date to my students and it hits me.
It's your birthday.
How could I have forgotten?
I stop frozen in my tracks... but only for a second because young voices call me back to the present.

Later, with the sun on my face, I admire the changing leaves.
Happy birthday to you!
Nature's own special gift.
Again, I smile.
How many times did you make the trip to see the mountains of changing colors?
Too many to count, I'm sure.

Blinking through the tears, I look to the sky and whisper a soft "Happy birthday" hoping the gentle breeze will carry my wish to you.

There's nothing greater than a mother's love

I stand and wait for the young mother who has parked next to me to load her toddler son into her car. 
We had arrived at our vehicles at almost the same exact time.  I motioned for her to go on ahead... I know what it's like to have a squirmy toddler in a parking lot. 
I notice a woman standing behind her vehicle, just waiting.  I smile politely at her.
The young mother sing-songy tells her son, "Mommy will be just a minute." and closes the door.
She thanks me as she lets me through.

I didn't pay attention to her for the next few minutes because I was busy talking to Sam and getting in my car...

...but the next scene I saw... was a daughter having to say good-bye to her mom.  The embrace was like only one a mom can give.  The tears were welling in the daughter's eyes as I noticed her license plate was from Virginia - so I knew she had a long road ahead of her.

Seeing that exchange made my eyes swell... I never know what is going to make me miss my mom...If only, I could have one more of those embraces...

Torn between two worlds

This weekend, Ty (the guy I'm dating) and R. (my ex) both had family weddings. For R., it was his little sister.... who I have known since she was 7. For Ty, it was his dad... who has FULLY embraced me into his family. (For those of you that know me, know I don't have a relationship with my own dad... so dad relationships are important to me.)

I struggled which event I should attend.

I was told by friends that without a doubt, I should be going with Ty.  The only problem with that was that I was making the wedding cakes for R.'s sister and had to be there delivering them RIGHT when Ty's dad's wedding started and my boys were in the wedding party.  Plus, R.s family is still my family.  (The unfortunate part is that it is family that I really don't get to see any more...) So I had decided to just go to R.s.

The night before the weddings, I was supposed to be cake decorating.  Both families had rehearsals and rehearsal dinners.  I decided to take a break from cake decorating (time I didn't really have to give up) to go to Ty's family's dinner.  I got a lot of "Oh! I didn't think you were going to be able to make it! I'm so glad you're here!!"  Needless to say, it made me feel good... but at the same time, I regretted not being able to be at the wedding.

Last night, I attended R's sister's wedding.  They loved the cakes.  I loved being able to see my boys take part in their aunt's wedding.  I loved seeing her awesome reactions - because she doesn't hold back how she is feeling... and neither does her new hubby.  I loved seeing all of R.'s family - They were my family for 10+ years and I miss them!!  Needless to say, I was happy that I was there...

...but at the same time, I felt like a third wheel.  R.'s girlfriend was there... and even though her and I get along great... Family picture time was MORE than awkward. I mean, I didn't jump into a picture with just him and the boys... but when they said "Okay, let's get a picture of the whole family." I didn't step up.  Then they were like, "Dawn, you too!"  Then at dinner, they said, "These tables are reserved for family"... Did that include me??  I honestly didn't know.  So I sat at the kid's table with my boys... and sat back and watched the adult conversation at the next table, feeling even more like I didn't belong.

I'm not sure I made the right choice...
I'm not sure I made the wrong choice...
I'm not sure there was a right choice.

But what I am sure of is that I was torn... and I have a feeling this won't be the last time.

When reality slaps you in the face

I was driving down the road with Ty in my new car and the gas light came on.
I casually mentioned that I would need to stop soon for gas.
His response?? "Let's see how far we can make it before it runs out."

A memory hit me so hard, I wasn't sure I could respond.
I shook my head no and whispered, "Been there, done that."

Ty (of course, not knowing) laughs and says, "So? who hasn't ran out of gas before?"

So I got to relive the time that I was stranded an hour from home and even though I was headed to see Spencer, he wouldn't come rescue me.

You see... I am a resourceful gal.  I am not beyond hiking on foot.  But I was an hour from home... on a road that didn't show a town for miles on my GPS... and it was snowing.
My GPS did show a gas station a mile away... but how was I to know if it was actually STILL there OR open.
I tried calling TripleA but they didn't have anyone in the area that serviced on the weekends.
Spencer told me that he needed to take a nap and he definitely  didn't need to be on the road an extra 2 hours to come save me when he had 6 hours of driving ahead of him.

Thankfully my brother, Tim, who was in town for Christmas came and brought me gas.

Ty just stared at me and said, "Are you serious? Someone wouldn't come help you?"

And that's when it hit me... that I had no self-worth in that relationship with Spencer.  I would never allow Ty to treat me that way (not that he would), but to have someone not help you and then to continue on to go and visit them like nothing was wrong.

It made me fight back the tears and thank God now value myself so much more and expect it from the man in my life as well.

If he were gone, would you miss him?

I don't have a relationship with my dad.
He was physically abusive to my mom.
He was mentally ill.
On meds, he was fine... but he refused to take his meds.
I wrote him off many years ago.

He has always sent random things to me in the mail.
A receipt
A photocopy of a bill
A book jacket.

I didn't get it.
In fact, when I was young, it royally pissed me off.
I couldn't understand why he couldn't just pick up a pen and write me a note like a normal dad would.

Two days ago, I got and envelope with a flyer in it telling about a stroke clinic at the hospital near his home.
I rolled my eyes and threw the envelope and the flyer away.

Today my younger brother called me... he told me that he had spoken with our aunt (my dad's sister) and that my dad wasn't doing well.  She wouldn't go into detail.  My brother also got the stroke flyer.  He thinks our dad had a stroke and this was his way of telling us.

Who knew I was supposed to crack the code?
What things have I missed over the years because I didn't know this was some Sherlock Holmes mystery that I had to solve??

Father's Day is pushing upon us... my brother says he is going to try to make a trip to see our dad.
I sigh.
He is several states away.
If I ran into him on the street, I wouldn't know him from any other joe.
But deep down, I know he is still my dad... and I'm not sure I would be okay with myself if I let him just "pass on." I'm too empathetic for that.
But, I just don't know if I have it in me to watch someone struggle for their life and then grieve... for someone I truly don't know.

Why I'm dateless and why that isn't about to Change

I'm hooking up with Momalom this week for the Five for Five topics... let's see if I can keep up with everything else that is going on.




I'm sure you are all curious to know what is up with my dating life since I haven't posted about it in a while.
Well... it's non-existent.
I have made it that way.

I have been really confused for quite some time.
I mean, I'm a nice, funny, attractive, successful gal.
I couldn't figure out why things weren't working out for me...

Then I looked at the common factor - me.

I admit it... I'm afraid of being hurt.
I have been hurt...SO hurt that parts of me I don't think survived.
After R. cheated on me, even though I knew I didn't cause it, it knocked me down off the pedestal of love and trust I thought I had.
More than a little of my innocence and naivety fell by the wayside.
I swore I would never get hurt like that again.
But I was wrong.
So very, very wrong.

Spencer I think hurt me more than R.did.
I fell head over heels for that man.
I had fully committed myself to him and our relationship.
I opened up and confided in him like I had never done before.
And he took that and used and abused it.

This broke me more than I realized at the time.
I thought I would give myself time to heal and move on.
Moving on?  I tried... Unsuccessfully because there was always something holding me back.
And then I realized it was that other word...Healing.
I have never fully healed from giving my all and loving someone(s) wholeheartedly and having being crushed.

I mean, how do you recover from that? Not once, but twice?
So, instead of taking that risk, I find something wrong with each new guy and end it.

Doesn't that make you want to set me up with a great guy?
Yeah... it wouldn't me either.

So... I have kinda walked away from dating.
It makes me sad because deep down I want to find someone and have a great relationship... I just don't know how to fix the hurt and the fears to get there.
So... instead I'm changing how I view things... I'm living my life... Just me and my boys and soaking up every second of it.

"...and you'd think that would be a depressing thought... that there's no end to all of the... I don't know.
...that it doesn't get easier, that it just gets different.
But it's not. It's not. It's the opposite of depressing... there's a relief in it. 
Life is complex. 
There's nothing simple or easy about it. 
So I can stop waiting for it...
I can stop waiting... and I can just live."
~Private Practice

And through trials and tribulations, comes strength.

I have spent the last two days volunteering in Joplin, MO.
I wish I was there again today....
I know that I will go back and help again.

Words, nor pictures, do justice to the overwhelming devastation there.  The people there have lot everything! Their house, their car, their job... some even the life of a loved one.

I spent my time at a makeshift distribution center.  We took donations, sorted them, boxed them, and put them on semis to go 10 blocks over to where the tornado hit. The amount of donations were overwhelming and amazing! There was overturn every couple of hours.

We also had food set out so any victims could come along and collect anything they needed.

On Sunday, the president came to Joplin.
I didn't hear his speech.
I didn't see him in person.
I did step outside while he drove through town, passing by the area I was volunteering.

National Guard 

Presidential Motorcade

President's car

But I didn't need to hear what he was saying because I have already experienced it firsthand; the devastation, the comradery, the outpouring of love.

As I drove home Sunday night, these are the images that will forever be etched in my brain.

Friends consoling each other through the rubble.

Faith still intact

A house already rebuilt after ONLY one week.

When being there doesn't seem like enough

It happened again.
Tears, face buried into my side.
Hugs, while the other students passed by her as I greeted them in for the day.

Once they were all inside, I knelt down to J.
"Tell me." I said, looking into her tear stained eyes.

"My mom.
Not coming back.
Bought a house.
Moved in with some guy."
That is all she could muster before losing it.

I did what I could.
I hugged her tight and told her I would be there.
I would be there to listen.
I would be there to hug.
I would be there.

She pulled her face out of my blouse.
Looking up at me, she weakly squeaked out, "Okay." as she forced a half curved smile.

Now... to put out of my mind who will be there for her when these 15 and a half school days are over.

Only experience can prepare you for a day like today

J. is a sweet girl.
She does as she is told.
She works hard even though sometimes she doesn't fully believe in herself.
She reminds me a lot of myself when I was a kid.

I'm greeting everyone as they come into the classroom like I do every morning.
J shuffles by me without looking up.
I call her back.
This isn't like her. 
She normally greets me with a smile.

As I lift her chin in my hand, I question what is wrong.
Tears stream down her cheeks.
"My mom didn't come home all weekend. My dad told me this morning, they are separating."

I wrap her into me.
I have been there.
I have felt that pain.

She continues to hold onto me as I greet the other students.
I know this harsh reality isn't going to be easy for her.

When everyone is in the room, I take a moment to tell her the only thing I know to say.
"You need to know that this is not your fault.  You also need to know there is nothing you can do to change what is going to happen.  But what you can do is give me a hug when you need one." 

I gave LOTS of hugs today.
I have a feeling I will be giving a LOT more.

This is one case that I wished my students didn't share in my past experiences.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
~Carrie Underwood