Wednesday, March 30, 2016

The unexpected comfort

On Monday, I got my first mammogram. (Have I mentioned turning 40 sucks??)
The tech cautioned me that if there are any concerns, they would call me for a follow up because it is better to check it out early.
I nodded. ("Technicalities", I thought "They tell this to everyone."

But when they called me today (2 days later) to tell me that I have "dense breast tissue" and they would like to schedule me ASAP... It didn't feel like a technicality.

It felt scary.
Down right scary.

In fact, it took all of me to keep the tears from falling out of my eyes before I got to my car.

I called Todd.  I needed some reassurance that this is normal and I'm fine...Even though I didn't feel fine. I'm scared.  
All three of my aunts (from both sides) have had breast cancer. They have all survived it... but they had it.
So Todd tells me that he is sure it is fine... that there's no reason to freak out until there is something to freak out over.

... and you would think that would have helped... but it didn't.
You see... I was already freaking out!!  And to tell me not to freak out didn't stop me from freaking out!!!

So I got off the phone and bawled my eyes out until I reached the boys' school.
I knew I had to pull myself together before I went inside - It was baseball pictures and I didn't need all of the baseball parents asking questions when I definitely didn't want to share.

When I got a second by my ex, R., I just said, "Hey. Just so you know what's going on...I had a mammogram on Monday.  They want to run more tests next Wed, so I will be taking off school. Please don't say anything to anyone."

He asked me if I was okay.  I told him I was scared... and then I walked off for fear of crying again.
He walked over, gave me a side hug.  
Later, he texted, "Whatever happens, we'll get through it."

Strangely enough... Not telling me everything was going to be fine, but that we'll get through it was exactly what I needed to hear.