The fast and slow of it

My relationship with Todd has been fast and slow.
We just seem to get each other... Many times we are thinking the same thing or react at the same time.  Things just seem easy.

Tomorrow is the 4 month mark for us... Yet it feels like a year.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is still new.

Tonight was one of those times.

Today was a weird day weather-wise.  It started out icy. Then it was just rainy, but they were predicting more icy weather.

My mom died on icy roads.

I don't normally drive when it is icy... and when I do, it is only out of necessity.

I was talking to Todd earlier in the day telling him how I wasn't sure if I would be getting out.  That several neighbors had posted on Facebook about how there were cars that had slid off.   Todd made a comment about how people around here are just overly dramatic when it comes to winter weather and that from where he is from in Illinois this weather wouldn't stop them.

I tried to explain that once he slid off a road he would change his tune.

Later we were heading out for dinner.  He mentioned that maybe we should drive separate so he could leave straight from the restaurant to get his daughter home and in bed on time. I froze.  Just for a second. The thought of driving on what could possibly be icy roads caught me.  He caught it... Maybe it was subconscious, but he caught it and said, "Nevermind. We'll come back here.  Let's ride together."  I was relieved.

Driving to the restaurant, I asked him how the roads were coming down. He said, "Oh, you know, every few hundred feet we did a doughnut, but nothing that we couldn't handle."

He was joking, but I tensed up.  

"You didn't really. Did you?" I asked.

"No, but what's a little ice?" he responded.

"My mom died on "a little ice." I retorted.

He apologized profusely.

I felt horrible for the snap of my tongue... 

It wasn't his fault.  I have told him that my mom died in a car wreck and that my brother was driving. I haven't gone into all of the details...We have only dated 4 months... and even though it sometimes feels longer, times like this remind me that it is still new and we have a LOT of getting to know each other still.

What to expect when you're... the first woman he's dated since his divorce

Yeah...
I have been here before.

I somehow attract men that are freshly out in the dating world.

Don't get me wrong... Being in the dating world too long can make you cynical. It can make you believe that there really isn't anyone out there and you are just going to float through life alone.

So, new and optimistic that a love can happen again is great!

But with that positive outlook also comes with exes.

Exes who have never had to experience and adjusting to their ex being with someone new.
Exes who have never thought about their child being around someone new.
Exes who want to hurt the man that you now care deeply for.

Yeah.
So... here's my two cents worth... for what it's worth.

It is an adjustment, so let them adjust.  Also, let the kids adjust. Sure, they maybe loving all the fun we are having, but they also have to share daddy... and sometimes sharing makes jealousy rears its ugly head.  So give them time... and let them all adjust.

I get it.  I want to know who my children are around, so let me meet your ex.  Let me talk to her so she can see that I mean no harm to her child and that I will love that little one, but that won't replace her as the mom. I'm a good person and I want your ex to see that too.

Of course you two are not always on the best of terms, but how you react about her tells me a LOT about you... and vice versa.  So, remember to be cordial (when really what you want to do is rip their head off.) and know that sometimes the other party just needs to blow off a little steam.

So... Yes, I have advice to give about what to do or not do (because this isn't my first rodeo), but really it's advice I would rather not give.

I'm not (nor could I ever be) The Bachelorette

I know. I know. I have fallen off the Blog-o-sphere again.
It's because I have been conflicted...
So I didn't know what I should or shouldn't write about.

You see.. I have had 2 guys vying for my attention lately.
(Sounds great huh? Don't fool yourself.)

You see... I'm one of those gals that dates only one guy at a time.
I feel guilty if I do have more than one.
I almost feel like I should be apologizing.
In fact, I know I have apologized a LOT lately...
... because I don't want to hurt anyone...
... because I'm so indecisive...
... because I know I don't know... and what's worse than that?

So here's the back story... and even though I don't have an ending to share with you yet, I feel like I've decided enough that I can share.

I have a guy that I met on-line.
We started talking back in mid-June.
I told him that I wanted to take things slow... and he has been VERY respectful of that.
He has my sense of humor.  I have been my utterly goofy self around him and he finds it "cute" (his words, not mine.)
He sees my need for space and allows me that.
The thing is... I think we might be cut out to just be friends.
I don't get those warm fuzzies all over when I think of him.
I think of him... but that is because he is now woven into my life.  I think of something funny that I know he will get and I want to share it with him.
But I don't think "OMG when am I going to see him again?!!"
And this worries me...
Am just leading him on?
Am I being fair by waiting it out to see what's to come?

The other one is a neighbor.
For six months, we have been doing the friendly "hi" and giving a wave.
He finally asked me out last week... I had been waiting for this what seemed like forever so I had to go.
We clicked instantly.  We had that spark...
... I was SO torn.

Here I have a guy that is nice as the day is long, but with no spark... and in the other hand the spark but things in his past that make me worry...
What to do? What to do?
I stressed about it ALL week.  I literally had a knot in my stomach and couldn't eat. (Not necessarily a bad thing considering I'm still trying to work off the ten pounds I put on this summer)

Finally I decided that I have followed the spark before and all it got me was heartache.
Trust me... I really do believe that the spark needs to be there... I just need it to NOT cause me physical pain in the form of guilt of having two men and not knowing what path to go down.

So, I told the neighbor thanks, but no thanks. Needless to say he wasn't happy with my decision, but we are trying to make the best of "just being neighbors".

So... here I am... waiting out the guy that I don't have a spark with...

What do you think??  Do you think there needs to be an initial spark?  Do you think that a spark can grow over time?  Or do you think I should ditch them both and start over anew??

Yeah... I am confused as ever. This should be NO surprise to anyone.. especially me. lol

Oh Canada!

I went on another date last night... with someone new.

I know. I know...I was having enough problems juggling The Fireman and B.P., but I am coming to realize that neither one fulfills all that I am looking for in a guy.

So when Canada (What??!!  He's from Canada) asked me out, I couldn't say no.  He clarified that since he is freshly out of a divorce, he doesn't want to move fast.  That he wants a friend to hang out with first.  I'm great with that... it's what I know.

He took me to a really fancy restaurant above a Hilton hotel. 
Now let me tell you, I was raised with manners... and a little small town class, but I was not raised with going to highfalutin restaurants. 
Don't get me wrong... I know which fork is for what.
But here, at this restaurant, after they brought you your steak, they did a "presentation of the knives."
WTF is that?
I know.  That's what I thought!!
It is where they bring out a tray of knives and they "present" each one... telling you the handle weight and the type of blade... and then after all of that, you must decide which knife is right for you.

The pressure was lessened for me when Canada belted out a bit of laughter during the "presentation."
Maybe the rich know something special about knives that I don't... but thankfully, Canada saw the humor in this "presentation" like I had, and we had quite the laugh afterwards.

The restaurant concierge came around several times.  The strange part there was that he looked like a young version of this guy (Mr. Six Flags):

...Which just gave us another reason to belt out into laughter.

I had SO wanted to get my picture taken with him!!  Canada told me he was more than willing to do it, (I love it when a guy will play along with my crazy ideas) but the concierge must have overheard our little plan, because he didn't ever come back around after that.

For dessert, Canada graciously ordered me the 7-layer chocolate cake.

Of course, I had seen it featured in a magazine ...and it was the only reason I knew the name of this restaurant.

He (not being a sweet eater) told me I could enjoy it on my own.

After the plate-sized piece was put in front of us, I encouraged him to at least take one bite.

Being gracious, he sliced off a large piece for me and a small piece for himself.

Within seconds, Canada proceeded explain how he never quite understood how chocolate could evoke emotion out of people... but after eating this, he now fully understood! (Needless to say, he had seconds :)

Here is my picture of the delicacy... NOT doing justice to it at all!! (I mean, I was in a dim lit restaurant using my horrible phone camera.)

(Loving you all... I wanted you to get the full affect of what I experienced... so I looked up the magazine article.)

After dinner was over, we weren't ready to call it a night.

So, we headed to the hotel bar.

We were the only ones there and I quickly realized that it reminded me of this scene from The Shining:

Canada also recognized the resemblance and we decided we could do without a nightcap.

As we headed back to our cars, Canada was expressing to me how he wasn't ready for the night to end.

He had been talking about his new car (a 2011 Ford Mustang GT) earlier in the evening... so I asked if I could get a ride in it.

Let me just tell you, I'm not really a car junkie.

I don't know stats of any kind.

I don't know about horsepower or torque.

...But what I do know is a car, like that, can go fast!!

...and I love to go fast!!

Canada didn't mind showing off what his little red beauty could do either!

So, for the next half hour I sat giddy as a school girl going well over 100 mph at times.

I had honestly decided there weren't any decent men with decent jobs in my area of the universe.

Canada might have proved me wrong.

The heart is forever inexperienced. ~Henry David Thoreau

The Professor and I had a hard conversation last night.
He voiced his fears/concerns with me not professing my love for him yet... he told me that we have been talking for 5 weeks and if I'm not ready by now, he's not sure I will ever be ready.

He said that we are "at sort of an impasse"...a situation that is so difficult that no progress can be made; a deadlock ...but he said he wasn't ready to give up on us yet. He's hoping that he is just a fast mover and I am just a slow mover... and eventually I will catch up to him.

I told him that I have a wall... a wall that no one can knock down but me ... and right now the sledgehammer to knock down that wall is too heavy for me to lift by myself. I'm getting stronger everyday, but I'm not there.

He said he understood, but that it still didn't calm his worry.

I don't know what else to do...


Love is a state of mind which has nothing to do with the mind.
~ Bob Phillips

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right

Well... I got to ring in my New Year in style.

I SOOOO much felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman... Knowing I was in a place that I didn't belong, but loving every second of it!

The Professor took me to the most elite restaurant in town.

Knowing I had no attire that would even come close to touching what I felt should be worn there, I had to go do a little shopping.

Everywhere I looked, nothing seemed suitable... So I went where the elite shop. (More than anything to wish and dream... and get ideas for somewhere else.)

Luckily though, they were having an After Christmas Sale and many of their dresses and shoes were on sale. Those two things put together made me hit my budget.

Even though the jewelry and the clutch were perfect that the sales lady let me try out with the dress, I reluctantly handed it back to her knowing I couldn't afford to get it all.

Thankfully, I have friends that care about me and my happiness... and one of them surprised me by joining me on the shopping trip and purchased my jewelry and my clutch. I will forever be in their debt for making my day even better than it was before.

When I arrived to The Professor's place, he was cracking me up... trying to make everything perfect - he had roses and a bottle of champagne.

What he hadn't realized is... that he had already made it perfect.... just by treating me like I was a million buck ...made me feel like I was a million bucks.

Finally it was time to head to the restaurant.

The weather had decided to turn frigid... and even though I would have liked to have posed in front of the place that we were eating for a pic opportunity... my warmth was Numero Uno... so we got one inside.

I know I gave it away that I shouldn't be there by taking pictures of everything, but The Professor took it all in stride... as he encouraged me to take pictures of every course.

I was happy that he did... This is a night I want to remember always...

For an appetizer, we had bacon wrapped shrimp stuffed with crab.

Seriously...3 different animals in one bite... yeah, it was to die for!

Then came the salad...Smoked duck breast served over mixed greens with fresh strawberries, Feta cheese, toasted pecans and apple cider vinaigrette.

Yeah... I forgot to take a pic right off... I guess I was too excited. :)

Then came the main course...Center cut filet with a mushroom ragout, served with shallot mashed potatoes and Haricot Vert beans.

The filet melted in my mouth... definitely some of the best food I have ever eaten.

And then when I didn't think the meal could be topped... they brought out the dessert... Fresh fruit Napoleon with chocolate mint ice cream, raspberry sauce and sweet paste cookie garnish.

I have had Napoleon ice cream before... but NOT this dessert... it was made with phyllo dough and strawberries and chocolate and powered sugar.

Yeah... it was a little bit of heaven!!!


The view from where we sat... funny that the world went on around us... 'cause I thought time had stopped and stood still while we were there.

It was then almost time to ring in the new year... so we donned our hats...

...and had a good laugh...

...and got to look down on the fireworks.

Yeah... if my New Year's night was anything like what I should expect in this coming year... I am VERY excited!!

My DMD

Sure... my DMD (Decision Making Disorder) gets in the way of my every day life.

"What are you having? "
"I don't know what are you having? ...Oh, well that sounds good. Sure, I'll have that as well."

"What movie do you want to see?"
"I'll let you pick this time."

"What do you want to do later?"
"Anything fun."

Yeah... I have gotten pretty good at covering for it.
I now ask the question to make the other person answer first... that way I know don't have to make the decision.

Unfortunately, my DMD doesn't just happen with small decisions in my life... it falls into the BIG ones as well.

Like my new car.
It took me almost 2 years to decide that it was actually time to buy a new car... and then after I decided to buy a new car... it took me another year to decide which car I wanted.
But once I decide... my mind is made up.
The decision is final.
There is no looking back.
There is no regret.

So here I am at a crossroad of dating...
I could jump in with both feet.
The Professor is head over heels for me.
But then B.P. has decided he wants in the ring too...

I know B.P.
...and he knows me.
It's a comfort thing.

But the Professor is playing the game well.
He is very attentive.
I need someone who is.

So... yeah... my DMD is kicking in big time.
For all of you that wondered where my normal freaking out is... well, it has finally decided to rear its ugly head.

I like the Professor, I really do.
B.P. knows all about him.
He told me that he will respect my relationship with him... but then he tells me in the same breath, "...there is so much potential for us. We already know we are good friends..."

So, I am ready... ready for my feet to warm up and make a decision.
I'm ready to be in that place where I know I did the right thing and don't have any fear of looking back.
...unfortunately my DMD has kicked in.

Cheese Bubblegum

I have been talking to a new guy.
It's funny because I had seen his profile, but I have made this new rule that on the dating websites, I'm not going to contact the men first. If they see me and are interested enough to contact me, then I will decided if I want to be interested back. No more chasing for me!

So... long story short, he emailed me.
Right off, I liked what I saw.
He's a professor. (I like me a smart man!)
He is my age. (I mean, you would think finding a guy in his mid-thirties really wouldn't be that hard... but it is!!)
He lives close by. (again... you wouldn't believe how hard this is!!)

After some emails, we decided to talk on the phone.
And, man, have we talked!!
The first time was for 40 minutes.
The next time was for 4 and a half hours. (Yes, I didn't type that wrong! 4 and a half!)
This last time 3 hours.

The weird thing is that we had so much in common!
...And there has yet to be a lull in the conversation.

*As kids, we both microwaved slices of cheese and made "cheese bubblegum".

I mean, really???... How random is that?

*We were both raised the same denomination.
I used to say this didn't matter... as long as they were a Christian.
But, I guess I'm becoming set in my ways.
I like my church... My ways.
I don't want to change.
So the fact that he is the same denomination does make a difference.

*After our parents divorced and our moms were single moms, we both moved in with our grandmothers.

*We both love pickles... I mean loooove!

*We both like to analyze dreams.
I told him that I had a dream with him in it last night.
The dream was that he had come to spend the night at my house and I had made a palette on the floor for him beside my bed out of blankets. The next morning I woke up and all the blankets were folded and he had left without saying good--bye. I was hurt.

He told me what he thought it meant. ...
He told me he thought that it meant that I want to allow someone (him?) into my life but my ultimate fear is that they will leave and I will get hurt.

He hit the nail right on the head.

I hadn't told him about all that I have been through... How that is my biggest fear.

It was kind of scary.

...That this person that doesn't "know" me, gets me.

Now... if this "attraction" can just last through the first date....

I've heard of "Looks good on paper"

I went out on a date this past weekend.
I was disappointed...

Let me back up...
This guy was great in text.
For a week before our date, we emailed, IMed, and texted.
He was witty and knew how to banter - two things I love in a guy!
I was so excited for Saturday to roll around.

Then we met.
I waited for that witty guy to show up.
He didn't. Instead, I got an overly shy guy in his place.
When I would banter, he would turn bright red.
I couldn't get past that this was the same guy I had been texting.

When we went our separate ways, I got the witty guy back... in text.
Yeah... texting only does so much for me.

Come... Lay on my couch...It's free.

It's funny to me how in helping others to deal with their problems, you in turn help yourself work through your own problems.

... or are given the chance to see that those problems that used to haunt you are finally part of your past.



I IMed with a new guy last night.
He is going through a lot of issues.
His ex cheated on him.
He is numb when he thinks of her.
I've been there... I've felt that numbness.


I did a lot of listening and giving of solid advice.
It was not my normal, run-of-the-mill inital conversation with a guy on a dating website.

But it was good for me.
It was good to see that I have made it.
I have made it through the hurt and tears and numbness.

...and I have come out on the other side a better, smarter individual.


I told him that I honestly didn't think he was ready to be out in the dating world,
(Just what a guy wants to hear, right?) but that if he wanted a friend, I could be that.

I shouldn't pick anyone out of a lineup anytime soon

I am on several dating websites.
I figure the more exposure... surely, the love of my life will find me.
Several are free.

I'm one of those gals that figure if I like what the guys has said, I might as well comment on it.
I mean, who is it gonna hurt, right?
The worst he could do is hit the delete button.

My problem is...
I tend to email the same guys on multiple sites... not on purpose either.
I mean, I have the same pictures up on all the sites.
These guys don't.

So, I see a cute guy.
I read his witty profile.
I send him an email.
... and then... it turns out to be someone I have already talked to.

Seriously.
This has happened to me several times already.

One of them emailed me back with "I don't date teachers. LOL"
So, I went back and looked closely... and realized...oops!

The most recent... was to a guy I actually went out on a date with.
After I sent him the email (on the different website than I met him), I get a text that said, "Haha Verrrrry funny"

Maybe he thought I was joking. I hope he did.
(I do like to kid around)

But the sad fact is, I wasn't.

yeah... I shouldn't go picking anyone out of a lineup anytime soon... I might just convict the same guy twice.

Criterion - Post It Note Tuesday

NOT Trivial Pursuit

So...I have been going on a few dates with this guy, J.

He's a nice guy...but he has been pursuing me HARD!

So hard, in fact, it almost seems obsessive to me.



He has gone back and read every single one of my blog posts.

I have been blogging for 2 years.

That is 2 years worth of thoughts and feelings that I threw out into cyber-space never giving another passing thought to again.

Two years worth of info that someone I have only gone on 3 dates with should NOT know about me.

I mean, isn't the purpose of dating to gradually get to know the other person...not know every thought or whimsy that has passed through their brain over the past few years???



So, today, I ended it. I told him thanks for the nice time, but I don't see us moving forward. I want someone to know me because I told them about me...not my blog!