At a time of year when families should be celebrating and holding their loved ones close, the opposite happens.

As a teacher, I'm horrified by the happenings in Connecticut today.
As a mom, I'm horrified by the happenings in Connecticut today.

Words don't express the overall fear that runs through my brain.


As a teacher, I think, "What would I do if that was occurring at my school?"
Sure,  we have drills and procedures in place, but I don't think that prepares you completely for the real thing.  I'm sure those teachers of Sandy Hook never thought they would have to use those drills for real.

I think of how the teachers did what teachers do... they got their students as safe as they could and then read to them, told them to be quiet, told them that they loved them... I'm sure telling them all along that things would be fine. I know... because that is what I would have done.

I think of my students this year and how I have a lot of "What if'ers"  "What if... a big hole opened up and sucked us all into it?" "What if ...our lights all started flashing like in a disco?" "What if...?" "What if...?"  "What if...?"
But I can't imagine having to be in that position and having to answer the what ifs..."What if the shooter comes into our classroom?" "What if he is outside our door and we just don't know it?""What if one of our friends has died?"
It makes me fearful and sad all in one... to know that the little innocence that is left in my students would be completely gone.

Then I think of my boys... this is a thought no parents ever wants to have to worry about...

I think of the design of my boys' school.  Each hallway leads down to a pod of classrooms. Each pod is circular in fashion with glass walls to see into each class. The only exit door to the outside is to come out into that center pod area. A shooter could easily come into the center of the pod and spin in a circle and hit every classroom... and my babies (and all of their friends) would be trapped.
We have always said, "Our kids go to school in a small town, this would never happen to us" and I know that is exactly what the families of Newton believed as well.

It makes me want to keep them at home and shelter them from all of the evilness... but I know that is not reality.  I know that I can't live in fear for what might happen. I have already lived part of my life in that fashion... and it was stifling ...and guess what? Bad things still happened.
So, instead, I will hug them a little tighter.  I will focus on the good and pray for all of those that unfortunately experienced the bad today.