Thursday, April 9, 2015

You can't put toothpaste back in the tube

Ever since the Random Act of Kindness, I have been in a weird funk.

It was like emotions that I had bottled up had been knocked loose... and now I can't catch them and successfully push them all back in, like too much toothpaste that has been squeezed out.

I know these emotions are because of the uncertainties in my life.
I don't like uncertainties.

You see... I will no longer be teaching third grade next year.
I keep saying it, because I honestly am trying to convince myself that it is true.
I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself.
I'm so VERY proud to be a teacher.
I know I will still be a teacher... it just won't be the same and I am finding myself relishing in each thing that I know will be my "last"... and fighting back the tears.

Todd has been great.
He keeps telling me how wonderful this new position is and how they picked ME for a reason... because they knew I had the mind-set and the out-of-the-box thinking that is needed.  That I shouldn't be scared and to keep moving forward.

My student teacher has also been great.
To start off, she seriously got mad at me when I told her I was leaving the classroom.  I know that doesn't sound like it would be helping, but it affirmed that *I* really was making a difference where I was at.
It also showed me that I could make a difference on a bigger scale.

It has made the twinge of pain just slightly less when my principal told me today that she was going to hire my student teacher to take my position.

I don't know why... but knowing it will be her makes this transition easier... Maybe because I know she will let me come visit any time... and I know my partner in crime, SD, will be treated well.

Anyhow, if you see me anytime soon and my eyes are red and puffy... Let's just say it's because of allergies, okay?

Friday, April 3, 2015

When you least expecting it

I'm a firm believer in Random Acts of Kindness.
I teach it to my children.
I teach it to my students.

I tell them, "Keep your eyes open. LOOK for that opportunity.  Look and look hard!  Find someone that isn't suspecting it.... and then rock their world!"

Well... for all the preaching I do... I definitely didn't see this afternoon coming!

I had to make a quick, last minute run to the store for things to finish up my nephew's birthday cake.  I needed more powder sugar and Oreos to crush to make look like dirt.

There was an elderly woman in front of me.  She had paid for her groceries and it was taking her some time to put her money away.  I wasn't really paying attention other than I knew she wasn't done and I didn't want her to feel pressured to go any faster.  I wasn't in any type of hurry.

The cashier than said the total.  It was $6 something.

The elderly woman pulled out a ten dollar bill and handed it to the cashier.
My brain kind of went into slow mode.
I really didn't process what was going on other than I thought she was making a mistake.
So I started to say, "Oh..... No. No. that's my stuff. Sorry."
I really thought that she also hadn't been paying attention.

She looked at me and smiled.
"I know," she said.
I spattered out, "uh... oh.  Thank you. You didn't have to... Happy Easter."

I didn't make it out of the store before I started crying.

It wasn't one of those situations that I needed financially, I could have easily paid for my two items...but I learned I definitely needed it emotionally.
To know there are still good  great people out there.

Not only that...but,She had done it.

She had done what I preached all along... She looked for someone who wasn't suspecting it... and she rocked my world!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Every. Single. Day

My teaching partner in crime aka SD came over into my room today.
I don't even know now what she came over for... but us popping into each other's room to chat isn't uncommon... and you never know what the topic will be.

Today, we began talking about how unfortunate things propel life in different directions.

She told me how her mom dying of cancer fast forwarded her wedding.
I told her that my mom dying in a car wreck kept R. from breaking up with me and instead we eventually got married.

Then she paused and looked and me and said, "Do you miss her?"
Overwhelming tears filled inside me.
I nodded... It's all I could do.
She responded with, "I know... Every day. Every. Single. Day.  Being a mom to my kids without her there..."

That was it. I lost it.

She said exactly how I felt.

Most days I keep it buried within me... it's safest there...Where no one else can see the pain.

But I miss my mom SO, SO  VERY MUCH...
Every. Single. Day.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday the 13th

I'm not superstitious.
I'm really not.

However, I do believe that you should never plan too far ahead and be completely flexible... because things will always ultimately change... no matter HOW much planning you have done.

Todd and I started planning a trip to Alaska two weeks ago.  We had a friend that told us that he could help us out with tickets.

I was hesitant to tell people because that sets plans in stone (the very thing I don't like...).  Todd happily posted it on FB.

Today I learned that what my friend meant was that he could get us put on the waiting list.

That's all well and good... except we don't want our Alaskan trip to be spent in the airport... and since we will go in the summer which is the MOST popular time to go...

We have decided to just bite the bullet and pay for it ourselves.


I feel bad that I was the one with the friend and got us all giddy with excitement to go to a place we both have always wanted to go...

So... here's to believing everything will work out... because I'm not superstitious.
I'm really not.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

It doesn't matter how you say it

Sam & My conversation tonight...

Me: do you like the cookies with the pecans?
Sam : I say pea-cans
Me : Pecans. Pea-cans. Tomato. Tomahto. Potato. Potahto. It doesn't really matter how you say it.
Sam: Fart. Fart.
Me : What does that have to do with what we're talking about?
Sam : It's a fart no matter how you say it.
Yes, I am raising boys. SMH!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Finding the Light

For those of you that know me, I was raised in the church and was a VERY strong Christian as a child and young adult.

The death of my mom changed my path for a while.  I was mad at God for taking my mom from me.

When Colby was born, I tried to bring myself back to the church for the sake of my child.  I also, deep down, hoped that would be the reason why R. (my ex) would find the desire to start attending church with me.  It wasn't.

I hated attending alone.  I felt like I would have to answer the question of "Where is your husband?" and that embarrassed me, so I didn't go.

After my divorce, I felt like that question could easily be answered and so the doors of the church found the boys and I walking through them quite frequently.  I became part of the Education Committee and I started to feel like I had found my niche.

Then our pastor retired.  Changes began happening at our church.  I would attend church, but I felt empty there... but I didn't have an answer.  I felt like leaving my church was like giving up on someone when they are struggling.

Just recently one of my friends from church said she had started attending our satellite church and they were going to start confirmation classes geared at 9-13 year olds.  Since I had already questioned our new pastor about confirmation classes and he told me that he wasn't going to hold them until the kids reached 8th grade, I knew this was the time for change.  I feel bad that my boys aren't as well versed in the Bible as they should be.  I carry that very heavy burden on my shoulders daily.

So, we had our first confirmation class tonight.  Colby in one group.  Sam in the other.  I fought back the tears repeatedly throughout the lesson.  You see, this confirmation class is not only bringing the light to them... but it is also bringing it back to me.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Just what I needed

You know you have one of those moments where, in your head, you are just like, "Wow."

Yeah... I had several moments like that this weekend.

Let's start out with the first...
I am someone who tries not to be judgmental.  I preach it to my students that differences are the best things about us.

However, I was raised in a pretty conservative part of the country... and even though I speak, "Don't be judgmental." Sometimes... I have judged books by their cover.  I'm not proud of it, just stating a reality.

Dating Todd...Well... dating Todd has open my eyes to things that I needed my eyes opened to.
In the past, I probably wouldn't have dated a guy like Todd because he isn't as fit as he should be... but it doesn't change the compassion in his heart or the way he makes me laugh.

Man, we laugh SO hard!

This weekend we went to stay with his buddy, Wes.
When you look at Wes, what you see is someone who is overweight, bald headed, and completely covered in tattoos.
But what you should really be seeing is the fact that Wes is an amazing guy who is compassionate and hospitable and who is one day going to make an INCREDIBLE counselor to lost teens!!

That first "Wow!" moment hit me pretty hard and fast... and honestly made me feel pretty awful.

The second one came at dinner.  Wes said something along the lines of me being "WAY out of Todd's league." I proceeded to tell Wes that I don't believe in leagues... and that I am slowly learning my lesson to date the nice guys.

... it made me learn that the street runs both ways.  I'm being judged just as much for the outside as Wes is...

The next Wow! came when Todd drove around the block 3 times just so I could get the perfect picture of the opera house that I wanted.  I didn't even ask him... He just knew I didn't get a good picture, so he kept driving around.

Sure, I would do that on my own...
But all the guys in the past that I have been with would have done one of two things:
1. Not stopped at all for the picture
2. Circled once and when I missed the shot, basically would have told me to deal with it.

The last Wow! was just the fact that when either Todd or I saw something that interested us, we stopped.
We had no agenda, no schedule, just fun.  This is how I love to travel,,, and it is nice to be with someone who feels the same.

We took a Boulevard brewery tasting tour. (Even though I don't drink beer, I had fun.)

We ate authentic KC BBQ.

We played darts.

We ate in a quaint little cafe.

We stopped for cheddar mushroom brats and beef jerky.

Yep.  This weekend was just what I needed in so many ways...