This is the perfect description of me since returning to school here in January.
You see, my student teacher started the first day back - a week ago Monday.
It was great for her because she is so very excited, but for me it meant going in the last couple of days of my break to feel somewhat organized since she wasn't supposed to start until this Monday.
Since then, things have not gone smoothly for me.
I'm sure she thinks I'm a complete and utter dingbat and wonders why they would place her in world of a crazied scatterbrain.
I'm really trying to show her how to be prepared and things to do, but my overfull plate keeps making my "ideal organized example" a complete and utter mess. I think today was the first time I didn't have anything go wrong with the lessons, or my copies, or the kids just being ...well, unpredictable kids.
So, if you see me and I look like I've been through the wringer, just smile and help me fix my hair... cause chances are it's crazy like the rest of me.
My relationship with Todd has been fast and slow.
We just seem to get each other... Many times we are thinking the same thing or react at the same time. Things just seem easy.
Tomorrow is the 4 month mark for us... Yet it feels like a year.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is still new.
Tonight was one of those times.
Today was a weird day weather-wise. It started out icy. Then it was just rainy, but they were predicting more icy weather.
My mom died on icy roads.
I don't normally drive when it is icy... and when I do, it is only out of necessity.
I was talking to Todd earlier in the day telling him how I wasn't sure if I would be getting out. That several neighbors had posted on Facebook about how there were cars that had slid off. Todd made a comment about how people around here are just overly dramatic when it comes to winter weather and that from where he is from in Illinois this weather wouldn't stop them.
I tried to explain that once he slid off a road he would change his tune.
Later we were heading out for dinner. He mentioned that maybe we should drive separate so he could leave straight from the restaurant to get his daughter home and in bed on time. I froze. Just for a second. The thought of driving on what could possibly be icy roads caught me. He caught it... Maybe it was subconscious, but he caught it and said, "Nevermind. We'll come back here. Let's ride together." I was relieved.
Driving to the restaurant, I asked him how the roads were coming down. He said, "Oh, you know, every few hundred feet we did a doughnut, but nothing that we couldn't handle."
He was joking, but I tensed up.
"You didn't really. Did you?" I asked.
"No, but what's a little ice?" he responded.
"My mom died on "a little ice." I retorted.
He apologized profusely.
I felt horrible for the snap of my tongue...
It wasn't his fault. I have told him that my mom died in a car wreck and that my brother was driving. I haven't gone into all of the details...We have only dated 4 months... and even though it sometimes feels longer, times like this remind me that it is still new and we have a LOT of getting to know each other still.
My life sometimes just feels like randomness... so why not go with it?? Here and here are some other random things about me if you haven't read them before...
1. I will pause my TV when I get on my computer. This happens nightly. (I guess I can't focus on two things at once.)
2. I cannot talk and type at the same time (I'm convinced this uses the same part of my brain) and I'm jealous of people that can.
3. I turn down the radio when I am lost. (I'm seeing a theme here...)
4. When scraping icing off the side of a bowl, I make the same movement with my mouth as I did when I used to scrape baby food off the sides of my boys' mouth... I find this entirely strange, but can't help myself from doing it.
5. If you want me to remember something, I have to see it written or in text... This is especially true with names.
6. People compliment me on my long hair all the time... I'm not impressed with it.
7. Last time I had longer hair, I was also heavier... I'm secretly afraid there is a connection.
8. I miss my children, even when they are asleep in the next room.
9. I hate that only flat boots are in this season and I can't replace my black heeled boots even though I need to and I love wearing them more than any others.
10. I like to have brief but deep conversations with strangers.
11. Because of #10, I'm now not fully convinced that we haven't lived previous lives.
12. If I get to laughing, just the thought of me laughing uncontrollably makes me laugh even harder.
13. My mom used to cut out hundreds of recipes a year and try them out on us... I can almost always tell if a recipe will be amazing just by reading it.
14. I am not a morning person... yet I will sing to my children in the early morning to get them out of bed.
15. I hate ladybugs - an infested house that I cleaned in college turned me against them.
16. I have a routine that I follow in the shower, a specific spot I park at school, and cannot stand for someone to use "my" towel or mug.
17. I have become more "OCD" about things like in #16 as the years have gone by... I think it is a small way I can show I'm in control of what is happening in my life. (No, I'm not saying this is healthy. LOL)
18. One of my biggest fears is becoming mentally unstable like my father... So I purposefully break away from my own OCD tendencies just to prove it to myself that I am mentally okay.
19. I shaved my arms once as kid because my mom refused to let me shave my legs. My arms itched for weeks as the hair grew back.
20. My son, Sam, loves for me to "steamroll" him, so I do. It makes me laugh every time!
21. I plan to save my first year's extra money from my pay raise from my masters and go overseas.
22. I have always loved babies... and still wish I would have one more.
23. I used to keep pet spiders as a kid and do experiments on them (like see if a small established spider would take out a larger newly introduced spider). I wish kids these day were inclined to do things like this.
24. I know most people that just read #18 REALLY think I'm weird now, but I don't care.
25. I know several people personally that have written books (and I have signed copies from them) and I think that maybe one day I will write one too...
Today was one of those days that you plan for, but don't look forward to.
My girls and I do our annual ornament exchange. This used to include four of us... now it is down to three.
The lost of Kel still stings our eyes with tears and aches our hearts with pain. Two years in passing and it still doesn't feel real.
I couldn't speak out the words I wanted to tell Kel today because it would have came out in a cracked voice and it would have been by no means eloquent.
But what I wanted to tell her is that it sucks that a gravestone gets ordained with the ornaments meant for her. That no one I ever knew could pull off a cute outfit quite the way she did (even though I tried today) ...That our annual ornament exchange will forever be a place of pain in my life.
I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for R's girlfriend, K.
I've said before how wonderful it is that she and I are friendly with one another.
She has done a wonderful job of making my boys feel loved, but not make me feel like I needed to be edged out of the picture. (Been there.)
Plus she's willing to let me cuddle their new little bundle of joy repeatedly.
R. and I have tried to describe our relationship to people that don't understand it.
We consider each other family.
(You hope the best for your family... but sometimes they can drive you batty!!)
In the end, you want them to be happy.
K. has made R. happy and for that I am thankful.
I'm also thankful that my boys know nothing of wicked step-moms.
I can feel it.
I can feel myself pulling away.
I don't know why... we had such a great weekend last weekend.
But I feel it.
It's the instinct that I have where I know if I go much further, I'm gonna get hurt... or someone's gonna get hurt...
... and so my walls start to go up and I want to run.
And I begin to question why I wasn't worth fighting for in my marriage...
and if I wasn't worth fighting for then, am I worth fighting for now?
I don't feel like I have that kind of fight in me anymore.
I used to be so strong in believing that good always won out.
But it doesn't.
And I don't believe that any more.
I believe there are good stents.
And you hang on to them as long as you can...
But they will end.
And when they do someone will get hurt.
So that is why I put up my walls and run...
Because the pain from running is a lot less than the pain from staying... and not being worth fighting for.
Or at least that is what I have convinced myself.
So... here I am, standing at the crossroads trying to decide a path of whether to stay or run.
I somehow attract men that are freshly out in the dating world.
Don't get me wrong... Being in the dating world too long can make you cynical. It can make you believe that there really isn't anyone out there and you are just going to float through life alone.
So, new and optimistic that a love can happen again is great!
But with that positive outlook also comes with exes.
Exes who have never had to experience and adjusting to their ex being with someone new.
Exes who have never thought about their child being around someone new.
Exes who want to hurt the man that you now care deeply for.
So... here's my two cents worth... for what it's worth.
It is an adjustment, so let them adjust. Also, let the kids adjust. Sure, they maybe loving all the fun we are having, but they also have to share daddy... and sometimes sharing makes jealousy rears its ugly head. So give them time... and let them all adjust.
I get it. I want to know who my children are around, so let me meet your ex. Let me talk to her so she can see that I mean no harm to her child and that I will love that little one, but that won't replace her as the mom. I'm a good person and I want your ex to see that too.
Of course you two are not always on the best of terms, but how you react about her tells me a LOT about you... and vice versa. So, remember to be cordial (when really what you want to do is rip their head off.) and know that sometimes the other party just needs to blow off a little steam.
So... Yes, I have advice to give about what to do or not do (because this isn't my first rodeo), but really it's advice I would rather not give.
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