Saturday, August 23, 2014

The worst place to be

She walked into the room that was filled with friends.
The laughter engulfed her ears.
The familiarity should be there.
She should feel comfortable...
...but she didn't.

She was surrounded by couples.
She was the only single.
A role she should be okay with by now...
But, for some reason... today, it hit her wrong.

She was expected to sit..
Her safe place (with her children) was not available - they were by their friends.

As her head swirled, she tried to not look indecisive... alone.
But that is what she was... alone, in a room full of people.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Eyes are the window to your soul - RIP Robin Williams

I don't normally get caught up in the world of celebrities...  I feel bad for their families, but I don't have a heartfelt connection to them.

Robin Williams was different for me.
Mork and Mindy was one of the first tv shows I remember watching.
I watched it religiously.
I'm not sure I really understood the plot line at the time (I was 7 when the show ended), but I do remember his eyes...
They were like wells that ran deep.
I would sit mesmerized by them.
I honestly didn't know there were eyes that blue in the world.

As years past, I remember a movie coming out with him in it and I told one of my friends "I want to see that movie because Robin Williams plays in it!!
Their response was "Who?"
I shook my head because I knew I couldn't explain the entity of him if they didn't already know.

I know it sounds strange, but I feel like he was looking off the screen straight at me and, in turn,  I could see into his deep being through those eyes of his.

I loved how they sparkled even when he was playing a scene that was sad.
I guess that's what saddens me the most... that in those sparkling eyes that connected to me like no other actor ever has... he, himself, was so very lonely.

He will be sorely missed...

Friday, August 1, 2014

I'm normally ready

Normally by this time of summer I have had my fill of fun.
I have stayed up WAY too late and slept in.
I have traveled and felt like I actually had time with my boys.
And, normally, I'm ready for school to start.

But this summer, I taught summer school ... and tutored... and took master's classes.
I know in the long run this is a good thing...
but here we are, at the time I should be heading into my classroom to get everything ready...
and I'm not ready.

Monday, July 28, 2014

I may have the last name as them... But...

I don't know why I have struggled so much this summer.
Maybe it's because my ex is having a baby...
Maybe it's because I don't know my place or role anymore...
You see...
My boys have gone on a 2 week family vacation with my ex and his WHOLE family.
Vacations I used to go on.
Places I used to go to.
Family I used to see.

And even though R's family has been tremendous to not exclude me in most things, the truth is I'm an outsider... and will forever more be an outsider.

I have no desire to be back with R.  Please don't think that.
I just miss that I'm missing out on adventures and family time... with a family that I dearly love.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

In my corner

My parents divorced when I was 7.
My father was an abusive man to my mother.
I grew up believing in strong women and not needing a man in my corner.

I married not having the self confidence of a pre-pubescent girl and I tried to believe that the man I had (slowly, begrudgingly, completely) fallen for would be in my corner. But, in the end, he was not.  He had his own and followed it out of our marriage.

So here I am many years later...
Fearful to give my all to any man because I don't see them ever being fully in my corner.

...There is this one man...

This man is the father mine was not.
This man thanked God for sending him a second child (me) in the form of a high school student.
This man stood firm to try to help me save my marriage and then stood beside me when I said it couldn't be.
This man was at the birth of both of my children and has quietly let his presence be known as their Papa.
This man has listened to my struggles and has offered support time and time again.

But best of all...
I know he is in my corner.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Hungry bear

I'm not normally a b*tch.
Really, I'm not.

But, all bets are out the window when I get hungry.
Yes, I should wear a shirt like this:

To my boys, I call it my "Hungry Bear"
I say, "I'm sorry I growled at you... it's my Hungry Bear coming out. We'd better find Momma some food soon!"

But last night, my hungry bear came right at the right time!!
You see...I love my brother and my sister-in-law(SIL) but they are still living in my house which I am doing my best to not lose it.
So when my SIL said, "Hey, we have an option of my mom moving here on Friday... What do you think?"
I went off!!

You see... normally I would have hem-hawed around the topic and told her I would think that wouldn't have been best...that them finding their own house first would be ideal..

But instead, she caught me when I was about an hour late for supper and my hungry bear was in full force...
So, my response was, "No! Absolutely not!!  Unless you actually want to pay rent here. NO!"

I have to say I was actually proud of myself... and glad for my hungry bear for once.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Who defines what "league" you are in anyways??

For those of you that know me... and I mean really know me, know that I am still sometimes surprised when guys use the words "hot" and "sexy" to describe me.

I guess you could say, I grew up as the ugly duckling...
I was never ugly... but I viewed myself as the "sweet" girl.
... and guys don't normally go for that. (at least not in my mind)

What I didn't understand was that it had nothing to do with being sweet... it had to do with being shy, which in turn made it hard for guys to get to know me.

Since my divorce, I have forced myself to shove off that shyness.  Through years of observation (people watching), I know how to talk and interact with others... basically I never meet a stranger now.

The funny thing about being "confident" is that guys tell me things that when I was shy I would have never heard... And sometimes make it hard to believe they are actually talking about ME!

One of the guys that contacted me the previous weeks told me this:
him: Sometimes I think you're my one that got away..
me: Nope. Things happen for a reason.
him: U know I had crazy respect for u... kinda thought u were out of my league
me: what?!?
him: Yep, I did... hot and had it all together... little intimidating
me: I *so* don't have it all together
him: I really thought so... guess no one does
me: Nope. Really we're all just dorks perceiving others greater than us. LOL

And I really do believe that...
I mean who is it that defines these "leagues" anyways??
...Besides ourselves.
It is really a defining how we place ourselves in the scheme of things.

I guess I will try to remember that going forward in the dating world - another dork (like me) is just trying to find a league of their own.