Monday, March 23, 2015

Every. Single. Day

My teaching partner in crime aka SD came over into my room today.
I don't even know now what she came over for... but us popping into each other's room to chat isn't uncommon... and you never know what the topic will be.

Today, we began talking about how unfortunate things propel life in different directions.

She told me how her mom dying of cancer fast forwarded her wedding.
I told her that my mom dying in a car wreck kept R. from breaking up with me and instead we eventually got married.

Then she paused and looked and me and said, "Do you miss her?"
Overwhelming tears filled inside me.
I nodded... It's all I could do.
She responded with, "I know... Every day. Every. Single. Day.  Being a mom to my kids without her there..."

That was it. I lost it.

She said exactly how I felt.

Most days I keep it buried within me... it's safest there...Where no one else can see the pain.

But I miss my mom SO, SO  VERY MUCH...
Every. Single. Day.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday the 13th

I'm not superstitious.
I'm really not.

However, I do believe that you should never plan too far ahead and be completely flexible... because things will always ultimately change... no matter HOW much planning you have done.

Todd and I started planning a trip to Alaska two weeks ago.  We had a friend that told us that he could help us out with tickets.

I was hesitant to tell people because that sets plans in stone (the very thing I don't like...).  Todd happily posted it on FB.

Today I learned that what my friend meant was that he could get us put on the waiting list.

That's all well and good... except we don't want our Alaskan trip to be spent in the airport... and since we will go in the summer which is the MOST popular time to go...

We have decided to just bite the bullet and pay for it ourselves.


I feel bad that I was the one with the friend and got us all giddy with excitement to go to a place we both have always wanted to go...

So... here's to believing everything will work out... because I'm not superstitious.
I'm really not.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

It doesn't matter how you say it

Sam & My conversation tonight...

Me: do you like the cookies with the pecans?
Sam : I say pea-cans
Me : Pecans. Pea-cans. Tomato. Tomahto. Potato. Potahto. It doesn't really matter how you say it.
Sam: Fart. Fart.
Me : What does that have to do with what we're talking about?
Sam : It's a fart no matter how you say it.
Yes, I am raising boys. SMH!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Finding the Light

For those of you that know me, I was raised in the church and was a VERY strong Christian as a child and young adult.

The death of my mom changed my path for a while.  I was mad at God for taking my mom from me.

When Colby was born, I tried to bring myself back to the church for the sake of my child.  I also, deep down, hoped that would be the reason why R. (my ex) would find the desire to start attending church with me.  It wasn't.

I hated attending alone.  I felt like I would have to answer the question of "Where is your husband?" and that embarrassed me, so I didn't go.

After my divorce, I felt like that question could easily be answered and so the doors of the church found the boys and I walking through them quite frequently.  I became part of the Education Committee and I started to feel like I had found my niche.

Then our pastor retired.  Changes began happening at our church.  I would attend church, but I felt empty there... but I didn't have an answer.  I felt like leaving my church was like giving up on someone when they are struggling.

Just recently one of my friends from church said she had started attending our satellite church and they were going to start confirmation classes geared at 9-13 year olds.  Since I had already questioned our new pastor about confirmation classes and he told me that he wasn't going to hold them until the kids reached 8th grade, I knew this was the time for change.  I feel bad that my boys aren't as well versed in the Bible as they should be.  I carry that very heavy burden on my shoulders daily.

So, we had our first confirmation class tonight.  Colby in one group.  Sam in the other.  I fought back the tears repeatedly throughout the lesson.  You see, this confirmation class is not only bringing the light to them... but it is also bringing it back to me.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Just what I needed

You know you have one of those moments where, in your head, you are just like, "Wow."

Yeah... I had several moments like that this weekend.

Let's start out with the first...
I am someone who tries not to be judgmental.  I preach it to my students that differences are the best things about us.

However, I was raised in a pretty conservative part of the country... and even though I speak, "Don't be judgmental." Sometimes... I have judged books by their cover.  I'm not proud of it, just stating a reality.

Dating Todd...Well... dating Todd has open my eyes to things that I needed my eyes opened to.
In the past, I probably wouldn't have dated a guy like Todd because he isn't as fit as he should be... but it doesn't change the compassion in his heart or the way he makes me laugh.

Man, we laugh SO hard!

This weekend we went to stay with his buddy, Wes.
When you look at Wes, what you see is someone who is overweight, bald headed, and completely covered in tattoos.
But what you should really be seeing is the fact that Wes is an amazing guy who is compassionate and hospitable and who is one day going to make an INCREDIBLE counselor to lost teens!!

That first "Wow!" moment hit me pretty hard and fast... and honestly made me feel pretty awful.

The second one came at dinner.  Wes said something along the lines of me being "WAY out of Todd's league." I proceeded to tell Wes that I don't believe in leagues... and that I am slowly learning my lesson to date the nice guys.

... it made me learn that the street runs both ways.  I'm being judged just as much for the outside as Wes is...

The next Wow! came when Todd drove around the block 3 times just so I could get the perfect picture of the opera house that I wanted.  I didn't even ask him... He just knew I didn't get a good picture, so he kept driving around.

Sure, I would do that on my own...
But all the guys in the past that I have been with would have done one of two things:
1. Not stopped at all for the picture
2. Circled once and when I missed the shot, basically would have told me to deal with it.

The last Wow! was just the fact that when either Todd or I saw something that interested us, we stopped.
We had no agenda, no schedule, just fun.  This is how I love to travel,,, and it is nice to be with someone who feels the same.

We took a Boulevard brewery tasting tour. (Even though I don't drink beer, I had fun.)

We ate authentic KC BBQ.

We played darts.

We ate in a quaint little cafe.

We stopped for cheddar mushroom brats and beef jerky.

Yep.  This weekend was just what I needed in so many ways...

Thursday, January 15, 2015

I wish I had a crystal ball

I was presented with something today and I don't know what to do.

You remember a few years back when I was told by my district that they had created a position just for me, but they needed to just jump through the necessary hoops before giving me the job?  And then I didn't get the "made-for-me" job?

Yeah... well, it hurt (needless to say), but in the end, things worked out for the best.
I had an amazing year the following year with an amazing student teacher!  (Which I really needed after my first student teacher experience)  It really re-sparked my fuel for my love for the classroom and I honestly haven't looked back.

I have, however, been working on my Masters and looking forward.  The thing is... I don't know what my future is looking like.  Up until today, it was me continuing in the classroom doing my thing... continuing to have student teachers and share my love of teaching with them. (Yes, I have another one... she started last Monday - so far she is great!)

But now I have been presented with a possibility of another position for me to apply for... and I don't know what to do...

Because, you see, I'm happy where I'm at.  I love the kiddos and love teaching! Also,  I see all of my friends who used to love it too and who that have now moved to district positions wish they were back in the classroom, but the district has put too much into them so they don't really have that option... and I am worried that I would be stuck in that place too.

But I also know this position would be a stepping stone for things bigger and better right in line with my masters...
Ugh!!  Decisions - How I loath thee!!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015


This is the perfect description of me since returning to school here in January.

You see, my student teacher started the first day back - a week ago Monday.
It was great for her because she is so very excited, but for me it meant going in the last couple of days of my break to feel somewhat organized since she wasn't supposed to start until this Monday.

Since then, things have not gone smoothly for me.
I'm sure she thinks I'm a complete and utter dingbat and wonders why they would place her in world of a crazied scatterbrain.

I'm really trying to show her how to be prepared and things to do, but my overfull plate keeps making my "ideal organized example"  a complete and utter mess.  I think today was the first time I didn't have anything go wrong with the lessons, or my copies, or the kids just being ...well, unpredictable kids.

So, if you see me and I look like I've been through the wringer, just smile and help me fix my hair... cause chances are it's crazy like the rest of me.