Loneliness

Loneliness is a monster creeping down the dark empty alleyway of your mind...
...waiting for the perfect moment to pounce...
...To let you know that security you felt, that confidence you had... It wasn't real.

Charismatic

My mother used to tell me that when I was a child (especially when I was a baby), I was charismatic.

She said it was like people couldn't help themselves but to be drawn to me and I would reward them with a soft easy smile that would draw them in even more.

I can remember being in 5th grade and that charisma eased a transition between school districts.

It has served me well in many facets of my life... Making friends with strangers, sharing a laugh and a kind word.

However, some days, I feel like maybe it's like a shiny penny that just isn't that shiny any more...  like I've lost my shiny charisma...

Some days I find myself drawing inward.  I can almost feel myself sucking that easy-going aura out of the room into a dark, lonely place that no one wants to be around.

I fight it though. 
I fight the dull.
I fight for the shiny... and the easy-going... and the drawing others in... because I know it's in me... its part of me.
I just have to remind myself ... I'm Charismatic

The Dance of Insomnia

Another late night where sleep eludes me...
...Nothing but the humming, humming of the appliances.
Wishing, wanting that hum to lull me to sleep.

But no.

Instead my brain reels... Planning for another day.
Fixated on things that cannot be done or undone in these late hours.

I wait...
Wait out these thoughts... while the ringing in my ears grows louder and louder because it's JUST. SO. QUIET... I can't even hear myself think!

Hours pass by... and slowly, so very slowly, a dance begins between the humming and the ringing.
... This dance soothes my thoughts into nothingness. 
Allowing the elusive sleep to waft in and join me.

Alive again

All I could do was try to keep living until I felt alive again.

I'm becoming my mother

I don't think of my mother every day... but how she raised my brothers and me is just ingrained and sometimes it leaks out... and that makes me think of her.

I laugh because sometimes when I'm frustrated or caught off guard, I shout things like, "Boy howdy"  or "Oh for Pete's sake"  or  "By golly"  or "Heavens to Betsy"
My friends get a kick out of these... But they came from my my mother's desire for us kids not to cuss.  She used to wash out my mouth with Dial soap when I said things like, "Gosh darn it"  or "Jeez" because they were TOO close to using the Lord's name in vain.

Another thing she taught us (without telling us) was how to say "Good morning" ... Now this wasn't just any Good Morning...  This is with buttery warmth that the person you are saying it to doesn't even have to look at you to know you are smiling with happiness in your heart as you say it.

This buttery warm "Good morning" came out of me this morning... to the "friend" that has not been kind to me lately.  I had not planned to say it... It just came out.  On top of it, it came out sounding just like my mother!

As I walked past out of the door, the weight of it hit me.  That was my mother that said that.  THAT was something she would have totally done.  Been sweet and buttery when anyone else would have thought sour would have been the place.  She had a wonderful way of moving past things.

I'm not there yet... but I am proud to say, "I'm becoming my mother."

Car wreck PTSD

So a month ago, the boys and I were in a wreck... not my fault...It totaled my car.

I have lived through many traumatic things in my life... However, I can't seem to shake this one.

Maybe it's because I'm still in pain from it.
Maybe it's because I HAVE to continue to drive on a daily basis.

Whatever it is... I am suffering major PTSD from it.

I pull over if someone is following too close behind me because I'm afraid they will hit me.
I jump if someone I am riding with pulls out into traffic even if the cars aren't that close.
I still won't take that road home that I got hit on.

Yesterday, I knew without a doubt I had been traumatized...

We went to Incredible Pizza where they have 4D movies.  We did the Jurassic Park one.  Unbeknownst to me, it is basically a car wreck where the dinosaurs wreck your car over and over and over again...

I walked away with fingernail indentations in my hands from gripping on so tight, a nauseous stomach, and a splitting headache.

Then last night I woke up from a nightmare where I was riding in a car with a friend and because she was crying so hard she didn't see the car in front of us, so I braced myself as we rammed into the car in front of us causing me to throw my hands forward and brace myself on the dashboard.

Then I woke up.

A dark cloud looms

You see me, I smile.
These days it is probably forced, but I still smile.
I do it so you don't know.
You know me as the happy-go-lucky one. The one who sees the silver lining on every dark cloud.
But right now...
Right now that dark cloud is engulfing me... Taking over my whole being.
I'm snippy.
I complain.
I'm downright in a generally sour mood pretty much all the time.
This isn't me.
I joke.
I laugh.
I enjoy a good time.
I don't like myself like this...
So I smile.

Inside though, I hurt.
I see my friends doing things without me and I hurt,
I know I have been off the grid for a while doing my masters... But "they" say if they are your true friends, they will wait for you.
"They" are wrong.
Here I am, done with my masters, and still no invite.
And it hurts.

And that dark cloud feels like it is growing because of the hurt...
And my silver lining is falling in the form of tears.
The smile is fading...

At least we didn't die

I have a VERY vivid imagination.
I always have.
I think that's why I don't watch scary movies... because later I recreate those scenarios in my brain.
I haven't watched a scary movie in a long time, but last night I felt like I was living one.

Let me set the scene...

Todd and I went to a friend's wedding up north.
He got married in a big little town...  It seemed quaint but had all the amenities of a city, but seemed like a town.
All of their hotels got horrible reviews.  The hotel we picked had 3 out of 5 stars.  Most people knocked them down for their breakfast.  We weren't planning on eating breakfast there, so I decided to book it.

When we got to the front desk, the clerk seemed distracted and a little at the end of her rope.  When the printer flashed it was out of paper, she said, "I really don't care if I have a copy of your driver's license. Just don't smoke in the room, okay?"

She handed me my copy of the reciept.  It said we were in 208A.  She scribbled out the "A" and said, "Ummm... Don't worry about the A. It's just 208." I thought that this must be a suite or something, but didn't question further.

We headed up the outside stairs to our door, 208.
I slid the key, the light would flash green, yet I couldn't get the door open.
I did this three times.
No luck.
Finally, Todd decided to try.
He put all of his body weight against the door and it came open.

The room was dark with the exception of the light from the tv screen.
It was playing a black and white movie.
(I'm pretty sure I said, "That's weird.")
I didn't like it.
It gave me a bad feeling.
I then switched on the light switch.
Nothing.
No light.
I started to back out the door.
I told Todd that something was not right here... that we weren't staying.
He trudged forward.
He turned on the lamp at the far side of the room and looked behind the door of the bathroom.
Nothing.
He told me to come in and close the door.
I still wasn't convinced it was safe.
I turned on my flashlight on my phone and looked under the beds.
Then we heard something outside, I went to the peephole.
Someone had stuffed toilet paper into the hole so you couldn't look out.
I thought for sure we were going to die!!
By now my brain was reeling with scenarios.
I started looking and relooking behind the doors and under the bed.
Then I remembered the "A"...
The room was NOT a suite!!  Why would they number it 208A if it was NOT a suite??!!
This sent me into more of a tailspin.

Luckily, I have a calm boyfriend who knows how my crazy brain works.
He jokingly says, "Well, if we don't wake up dead, we know it was all in your head."

We didn't wake up dead (I know that doesn't make sense - In other words, we're still here...)
Maybe this is how movie writers become so creative... Maybe they stay in weird hotels too with rooms like 208A.

The point of too far gone and not nearly there

You know that point where you are so tired that you know you have stuff to get done, but instead you do nonsensical things that seem productive, but really truly aren't and are most DEF not getting you any closer to the goal you are hoping to achieve???

Yep.

That's where I'm at.

Been up since 5 am.
Put in a full day at summer school.
Went shopping for supplies with the summer school team after summer school.
Picked up Sam and took him to practice.
Got home at 7pm.
Have been doing nonsense for 2 hours while my niece's cake sits on the counter waiting to be decorated.
And yet, here I am blogging.

 And this hour and a half decorate job I think is going to take several hours.

...I should have taken a nap...

A mirror reflects your appearance. Your heart reflects your soul.

Some parts of my childhood I keep buried.
Somehow though, teaching finds a way to bring things to the surface that I don't think about or haven't thought about in a VERY long time.

This morning my little friend that comes and checks in with me, was mad. Like boiling mad.
She wouldn't hug me or look at me.  This anger was directed at me because yesterday I made her follow directions when she didn't want to.

So, even though she is required to come see me in the morning, she didn't want to be here.
Every time I tried to say something, she responded with "I don't care!"

I got down to her level.  Without out even thinking, something deep within me came out and said, "I get it. I used to be you.  I used to say 'I don't care' because it is a whole lot easier to tell people that you don't care... and to put up a wall then to let them in... because if you let them in, they might just disappoint you... and let you down.  So, instead we say we don't care... but really... we really, really do care!"

As soon as it came out, it took me back.
I think back to my early teenage years when I was SO mad at my mom that my family wasn't "normal" because of my parents' divorce... and I would yell, "I don't care!" any time she would give the same explanation as to why we weren't around my dad.  Don't get me wrong... my mom made the right choice to leave an abusive marriage, but being a "Daddy's girl" clouded my judgement many times and left me very, very mad.

Throughout the years, I have repeated those words many many times, "Whatever. I don't care." and I learned to keep a stone face. I felt like giving up emotions in front of someone else made me feel like I lost something to them...

Then later, alone, I would cry and scream, and ask "Why?!!" even though no answers would come.

So, yeah... "I don't care" carries a lot more then I ever thought about until today.

She waited until I hugged her good-bye.  She didn't hug back, but she was definitely showing that she DID care.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.

This quote just oozes into me...

Any time I wanted my students to know that they were REALLY in trouble, I whispered. (You're MUCH scarier when you whisper.)

Any time I wanted them to know it was something SO important I didn't want the whole world to know, I whispered. (I'm a loud talker by nature.)

Any time their tiny heart broke mine due to things beyond their control, I whispered. (Because I knew that loud voice of mine would crack with emotion if I didn't, but I still wanted them to know how much I cared.)

Yes... Those whispered words... they speak volumes.

Looking up

As I stepped out into the cold brisk night tonight, I stopped and looked up.
The Big Dipper glistened in the cold winter air.
... and I realized that is what I have forgotten to do lately...
to look up.

To say that I have been overwhelmed lately would be an understatement.
I have definitely been down.
This, in turn, has caused me to be cynical with others around me and to just curl up inside myself... If I could have cocooned myself, I would have by now.

But tonight, as I stood outside (much longer than I normally would in these freezing temps), I realized that is what I had forgotten to do lately... Just to look up.

At the beautiful sky.
At all of my family and friends around me.
At the fact that I am ALMOST done with this master's degree and it actually hasn't killed me.(I turned in my thesis paper tonight... So, yes, that helped in not being hunkered down any more. :)
At all the positive things this life is offering me.

Yep, things are looking up.

Who wants to book me some place sunny?

Lately, I have felt like all of my nerve endings have been on the outside of my body.
I know it is because my stress levels have been so high... but I have never had this sensation before - my body tingles, almost like I can feel the vibrations from the air.

I walk around like a zombie in my own body.  I have been trying to sleep more, but I am waking up exhausted from dreaming all night about the things that I haven't finished during the day.

My body aches.  My upper arms have always ached when I was fighting off something... that's how I always knew to boost my Vitamin C. My arms have ached for the past month. Vitamin C is no longer cutting it.

I keep telling myself that this too shall soon pass, but I'm tired of being tired and not feeling like my happy cheerful self.

I feel like anything that anyone asks of me is too much - this isn't like me - I'm the multi-tasking queen.  The planning of Thanksgiving... all I can say is... Ugh.  (This is normally my favorite time.)

I know it is because my brain is consistently on. If I'm not thinking about my thesis, I'm thinking about lesson plans, or my presentations.  I have 3 cakes that I have coming up next month that I refuse to even look at the designs because I can't add that to my thought process right now.

Todd asks me what he can do.  I tell him that I don't know what to do myself much less tell someone else how to help me.  He hugs me, but right now the hugs aren't tight enough or long enough... because they don't take away the tingling... and I just need to feel like me again.

This kind of tired

When I was a kid and my mom had headed back to college to finish her degree, she seemed to always be tired.  She would pull up to a stop light, tell us to wake her when the light changed to green, lay back and close her eyes.  Within seconds, she would be breathing loudly.  I wondered how she could be to sleep so quickly...

When I was hitting my growth spurts in high school and would come home from school, collapse on the couch, sleep for a few hours, eat and go back to sleep... I thought I was tired.

When I was in college and stayed up half the night because I had procrastinated TOO long and I refused to turn my paper in late and I knew I HAD to make that 8 am class because I couldn't risk my scholarship... I thought I was tired.

When I had newborns and I was up half the night with midnight, and 2am, and 4 am, and 6 am nursing sessions... I thought I was tired.

But this semester - this semester is about to do me in...
I realize that I am teaching and working on a thesis and trying to be the best mom and girlfriend out there and (occasionally) cake decorating... BUT this kind of tired ... this kind of tired makes me want to sleep at stop lights.

Just sayin'

You can't put toothpaste back in the tube

Ever since the Random Act of Kindness, I have been in a weird funk.

It was like emotions that I had bottled up had been knocked loose... and now I can't catch them and successfully push them all back in, like too much toothpaste that has been squeezed out.

I know these emotions are because of the uncertainties in my life.
I don't like uncertainties.

You see... I will no longer be teaching third grade next year.
I keep saying it, because I honestly am trying to convince myself that it is true.
I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself.
I'm so VERY proud to be a teacher.
I know I will still be a teacher... it just won't be the same and I am finding myself relishing in each thing that I know will be my "last"... and fighting back the tears.


Todd has been great.
He keeps telling me how wonderful this new position is and how they picked ME for a reason... because they knew I had the mind-set and the out-of-the-box thinking that is needed.  That I shouldn't be scared and to keep moving forward.

My student teacher has also been great.
To start off, she seriously got mad at me when I told her I was leaving the classroom.  I know that doesn't sound like it would be helping, but it affirmed that *I* really was making a difference where I was at.
It also showed me that I could make a difference on a bigger scale.

It has made the twinge of pain just slightly less when my principal told me today that she was going to hire my student teacher to take my position.

I don't know why... but knowing it will be her makes this transition easier... Maybe because I know she will let me come visit any time... and I know my partner in crime, SD, will be treated well.

Anyhow, if you see me anytime soon and my eyes are red and puffy... Let's just say it's because of allergies, okay?

Every. Single. Day

My teaching partner in crime aka SD came over into my room today.
I don't even know now what she came over for... but us popping into each other's room to chat isn't uncommon... and you never know what the topic will be.

Today, we began talking about how unfortunate things propel life in different directions.

She told me how her mom dying of cancer fast forwarded her wedding.
I told her that my mom dying in a car wreck kept R. from breaking up with me and instead we eventually got married.

Then she paused and looked and me and said, "Do you miss her?"
Overwhelming tears filled inside me.
I nodded... It's all I could do.
She responded with, "I know... Every day. Every. Single. Day.  Being a mom to my kids without her there..."

That was it. I lost it.

She said exactly how I felt.

Most days I keep it buried within me... it's safest there...Where no one else can see the pain.

But I miss my mom SO, SO  VERY MUCH...
Every. Single. Day.

Just what I needed

You know you have one of those moments where, in your head, you are just like, "Wow."

Yeah... I had several moments like that this weekend.

Let's start out with the first...
I am someone who tries not to be judgmental.  I preach it to my students that differences are the best things about us.

However, I was raised in a pretty conservative part of the country... and even though I speak, "Don't be judgmental." Sometimes... I have judged books by their cover.  I'm not proud of it, just stating a reality.

Dating Todd...Well... dating Todd has open my eyes to things that I needed my eyes opened to.
In the past, I probably wouldn't have dated a guy like Todd because he isn't as fit as he should be... but it doesn't change the compassion in his heart or the way he makes me laugh.

Man, we laugh SO hard!

This weekend we went to stay with his buddy, Wes.
When you look at Wes, what you see is someone who is overweight, bald headed, and completely covered in tattoos.
But what you should really be seeing is the fact that Wes is an amazing guy who is compassionate and hospitable and who is one day going to make an INCREDIBLE counselor to lost teens!!

That first "Wow!" moment hit me pretty hard and fast... and honestly made me feel pretty awful.

The second one came at dinner.  Wes said something along the lines of me being "WAY out of Todd's league." I proceeded to tell Wes that I don't believe in leagues... and that I am slowly learning my lesson to date the nice guys.

... it made me learn that the street runs both ways.  I'm being judged just as much for the outside as Wes is...

The next Wow! came when Todd drove around the block 3 times just so I could get the perfect picture of the opera house that I wanted.  I didn't even ask him... He just knew I didn't get a good picture, so he kept driving around.

Sure, I would do that on my own...
But all the guys in the past that I have been with would have done one of two things:
1. Not stopped at all for the picture
2. Circled once and when I missed the shot, basically would have told me to deal with it.

The last Wow! was just the fact that when either Todd or I saw something that interested us, we stopped.
We had no agenda, no schedule, just fun.  This is how I love to travel,,, and it is nice to be with someone who feels the same.

We took a Boulevard brewery tasting tour. (Even though I don't drink beer, I had fun.)

We ate authentic KC BBQ.

We played darts.

We ate in a quaint little cafe.

We stopped for cheddar mushroom brats and beef jerky.

Yep.  This weekend was just what I needed in so many ways...

I wish I had a crystal ball

I was presented with something today and I don't know what to do.

You remember a few years back when I was told by my district that they had created a position just for me, but they needed to just jump through the necessary hoops before giving me the job?  And then I didn't get the "made-for-me" job?

Yeah... well, it hurt (needless to say), but in the end, things worked out for the best.
I had an amazing year the following year with an amazing student teacher!  (Which I really needed after my first student teacher experience)  It really re-sparked my fuel for my love for the classroom and I honestly haven't looked back.

I have, however, been working on my Masters and looking forward.  The thing is... I don't know what my future is looking like.  Up until today, it was me continuing in the classroom doing my thing... continuing to have student teachers and share my love of teaching with them. (Yes, I have another one... she started last Monday - so far she is great!)

But now I have been presented with a possibility of another position for me to apply for... and I don't know what to do...

Because, you see, I'm happy where I'm at.  I love the kiddos and love teaching! Also,  I see all of my friends who used to love it too and who that have now moved to district positions wish they were back in the classroom, but the district has put too much into them so they don't really have that option... and I am worried that I would be stuck in that place too.

But I also know this position would be a stepping stone for things bigger and better right in line with my masters...
Ugh!!  Decisions - How I loath thee!!!

25 more random things about me #2

My life sometimes just feels like randomness... so why not go with it??
Here and here are some other random things about me if you haven't read them before...

1. I will pause my TV when I get on my computer. This happens nightly. (I guess I can't focus on two things at once.)
2. I cannot talk and type at the same time (I'm convinced this uses the same part of my brain) and I'm jealous of people that can.
3. I turn down the radio when I am lost. (I'm seeing a theme here...)
4. When scraping icing off the side of a bowl, I make the same movement with my mouth as I did when I used to scrape baby food off the sides of my boys' mouth...  I find this entirely strange, but can't help myself from doing it.
5. If you want me to remember something, I have to see it written or in text... This is especially true with names.
6. People compliment me on my long hair all the time... I'm not impressed with it.
7. Last time I had longer hair, I was also heavier... I'm secretly afraid there is a connection.
8. I miss my children, even when they are asleep in the next room.
9. I hate that only flat boots are in this season and I can't replace my black heeled boots even though I need to and I love wearing them more than any others.
10. I like to have brief but deep conversations with strangers.
11. Because of #10, I'm now not fully convinced that we haven't lived previous lives.
12. If I get to laughing, just the thought of me laughing uncontrollably makes me laugh even harder.
13. My mom used to cut out hundreds of recipes a year and try them out on us... I can almost always tell if a recipe will be amazing just by reading it.
14. I am not a morning person... yet I will sing to my children in the early morning to get them out of bed.
15. I hate ladybugs - an infested house that I cleaned in college turned me against them.
16.  I have a routine that I follow in the shower, a specific spot I park at school, and cannot stand for someone to use "my" towel or mug.
17. I have become more "OCD" about things like in #16 as the years have gone by... I think it is a small way I can show I'm in control of what is happening in my life. (No, I'm not saying this is healthy. LOL)
18. One of my biggest fears is becoming mentally unstable like my father... So I purposefully break away from my own OCD tendencies just to prove it to myself that I am mentally okay.
19. I shaved my arms once as  kid because my mom refused to let me shave my legs.  My arms itched for weeks as the hair grew back.
20. My son, Sam, loves for me to "steamroll" him, so I do.  It makes me laugh every time!
21. I plan to save my first year's extra money from my pay raise from my masters and go overseas.
22. I have always loved babies... and still wish I would have one more.
23. I used to keep pet spiders as a kid and do experiments on them (like see if a small established spider would take out a larger newly introduced spider).  I wish kids these day were inclined to do things like this.
24. I know most people that just read #18 REALLY think I'm weird now, but I don't care.
25. I know several people personally that have written books (and I have signed copies from them) and I think that maybe one day I will write one too...

Wicked Stepmoms only Exist in the Minds of Bitter Ex-wives

I can't even begin to describe how thankful I am for R's girlfriend, K.
I've said before how wonderful it is that she and I are friendly with one another.
She has done a wonderful job of making my boys feel loved, but not make me feel like I needed to be edged out of the picture. (Been there.)
Plus she's willing to let me cuddle their new little bundle of joy repeatedly.

R. and I have tried to describe our relationship to people that don't understand it.
We consider each other family.
(You hope the best for your family... but sometimes they can drive you batty!!)
In the end, you want them to be happy.
K. has made R. happy and for that I am thankful.
I'm also thankful that my boys know nothing of wicked step-moms.