Monday, December 26, 2016

Ghost of Christmas past.. or Christmas future?

My dream last night...

I walk up to the boys and their friends.  They are outside the city limits of this big city in a completely flat area that looked like a desert.  The ground is dry and cracked. I ask the boys what they are doing and they say "Nothing."  It is evident that they are doing target practice of some kind.

Then, all of a sudden, one of them shoots something and a huge explosion happens on the edge of the city.  The ground begins to shake like an earthquake and a crack begins to run down the ground towards us.

"What have you done?" I yell.  "Just run!!"  they yell back as they grab my arm and pull me away from the crack that is increasingly growing as it comes towards us.

We run to a hill.  As we crest the hill, we see green lushness beyond it.  There are men with shotguns at the top.
One asks, ""Where do you think you are going?"
One of the boys replies, "We need to get there." pointing to the bottom of the valley on the other side of the hill.
"Go around!" the man yells.  It is obvious this is his land and he doesn't want us to cut through.
"No time." says the boy pointing to the crack that is following us.
Nodding us on, the man says, "Go."

We run over the crest of the hill and start to run down it.
During this running, 2 young girls join us; one is about 8 and the other is about 3. They ask if they can join us... They are obviously poor.  They are wearing rags and you can tell they are just want something to do.  I ask the 8 yr old if she has ever rolled down a hill. She says no.  I look off to the landscape beside us and it is green plateau, then a craggy drop, then another green plateau, and another craggy drop.  It continues like this down the side of the hill, even though the area that we are running is just a smooth hill.  I tell her that when we find a good hill, I will teach her how to roll down a hill.  As I'm telling her this, I'm thinking that I have never been successful with rolling down a hill since I hit puberty and gained boobs, but decided to deal with that when the time came.

When we finally reach the bottom of the hill, we reach a pond and decide to rest.  I tell everyone to be careful around the water.  Then the 3 yr old starts crying.  I ask her what is wrong. She tells me that she lost her doll's shoe in the pond.  It is obvious this doll is worth more than what her family probably could have afforded on their own as it is brand new.

So, I go to the water's edge and scoop my hand into the water. I come up with a handful of doll shoes.  I show the little girl and ask her if any of these are her doll's shoe.  She shakes her head.  I scoop again. Again, she shakes her head and says, "It's pink..." I have several pink shoes in my hand.  "What about?..."  I asked as I start to point at a pink shoe laying on my hand.  She cuts me off and says, "No, it's pink like a bunny's nose."  I wade into the water and scoop up a handful of shoes from the center of the pond and carry them over to the water's edge.  I show the little girl again. "No, like a puppy's nose." she innocently says again.  I decide that I don't have time to keep looking randomly for this doll shoe in a pond full of doll shoes.  I tell her I will keep my eye out for it, but that right now I will go home with them and explain to their mom what has happened and that I will take the blame for it.

We walk into the shack of their house,  Stair-steps of children are running around...It is obvious that the two girls I met are just two of many.  We walk into the kitchen where their mom is in front of an old stove.  The scene is from the 1930's Great Depression. I start to explain why I'm there.  Suddenly, the door is slammed open by her husband. "Woman!!!" he yells. She looks at me and whispers, "Not now." I sink into the background of the kitchen.  He bursts into the kitchen. "Woman, what have you done?!!?" he yells as he shoves a square bottle of dark alcohol in her face.  He is wearing trouser pants and a pageboy hat, but they are tattered. "I had to take care of your children somehow. I made sure they gave you credit." she said. The bottle he is holding has 3 calligraphy initials on the front label.  "Woman, don't you know this stuff is illegal?  And now they know WHO made it!!"

Monday, December 12, 2016

Car wreck PTSD

So a month ago, the boys and I were in a wreck... not my fault...It totaled my car.

I have lived through many traumatic things in my life... However, I can't seem to shake this one.

Maybe it's because I'm still in pain from it.
Maybe it's because I HAVE to continue to drive on a daily basis.

Whatever it is... I am suffering major PTSD from it.

I pull over if someone is following too close behind me because I'm afraid they will hit me.
I jump if someone I am riding with pulls out into traffic even if the cars aren't that close.
I still won't take that road home that I got hit on.

Yesterday, I knew without a doubt I had been traumatized...

We went to Incredible Pizza where they have 4D movies.  We did the Jurassic Park one.  Unbeknownst to me, it is basically a car wreck where the dinosaurs wreck your car over and over and over again...

I walked away with fingernail indentations in my hands from gripping on so tight, a nauseous stomach, and a splitting headache.

Then last night I woke up from a nightmare where I was riding in a car with a friend and because she was crying so hard she didn't see the car in front of us, so I braced myself as we rammed into the car in front of us causing me to throw my hands forward and brace myself on the dashboard.

Then I woke up.