30 Days of Truth: Day Seventeen: Guidance

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

The book is Eat Pray Love. The author spoke words that I wanted to form in my brain to describe myself, but couldn't... About how I engulf myself in the man in my life...so much so, that I lose myself completely. She told how you have to find yourself before you can truly find love.

It's funny... because most days I don't want to find myself before I find love. I want love to find me and be part of who I am. It's who I want to be.


But is that healthy? Is it healthy for me to be someone who wants to be someone else's "someone" even before I "find" me?


I mean... how will I know if I have "found" myself? There is no finish line. No medal to be handed out. There is just me... knowing that things will be okay without the one thing that I truly desire... a significant other to laugh and grow old with.


I guess this book changed my views on the fact that I didn't realize I was so reliant on the men in my life. So reliant on how I viewed myself worth when I am without a man. ...and I know that's not good... or okay... That my worth should not lessen just because I am alone... That my loneliness is part of my struggle to "find" myself, so someone can love me for me.


...and just because the book opened my eyes to this fact doesn't mean I am over it. hook. line. and sinker. No, it just means that now I have to work that much harder not to fall into my own person trap of losing myself.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Being too absorbed

I am reading Eat Pray Love.

Yes... I am one of those people... the ones that like to read the book before watching the movie.
I'm not sure why though.
I mean, normally I'm disappointed by the movie after I have the book (which, I guess, is a good thing for the author) and I find myself comparing a lot!

But that is not why I'm posting tonight.
No... see... in this book there was a section that spoke to me so clearly it was as if the author knew how I was feeling and put it into words that I couldn't find on my own.

(I wish I could write the words exactly as she wrote them... she said them so perfectly! But I am a teacher and I try to teach my students how to avoid plagiarizing... so in turn I will try to summarize and tell you if you would like to read it in her words to turn to page 65 of her book.)

She spoke about how when she loved someone, she disappeared into them. That their thing was her thing. That she gave her all and then some. That she would give her men good qualities (even if they didn't have them) to make herself feel better. That their issues were her issues. How she was no longer herself... and when she had exhausted herself on one man the only way to recover from that exhaustion was to get excited over a new man. Which, in turn, starts the cycle over again.

Looking back, that has been me in my relationships. I wanted things to be perfect, so I projected all the good things that I "knew" would one day be there.
If he was into baseball, I was into baseball. If he was into motorcycles, I was into motorcycles.
(As a rebuttal, to myself more than anyone, I did grow to love these things on my own... but in the beginning they were not "my" passions.)

My passions were travel and photography and art.
Things that rarely (if ever) happened in my marriage.
Sure... we traveled to his family's house every year.
But I had to beg to have "unauthorized" stops... meaning ones that did not require gas or food.
And to travel out of the way to see something... PLEASE!!! It was like pulling teeth.

So it took me a while to re-find myself after 12 years of being "absorbed" by someone else's interests.

I'm still not fully there.

Spencer helped a little. He, too, like to travel. He re-sparked the travel bug in me.

But for the areas that he helped me "find" myself in, there were other areas that I "lost" myself into him. My ideas and opinions might have been heard, but were not valid. I was made to feel like the most incompetent mother around him. My ex has always told me how wonderful of a mother I am... and I couldn't understand the conflicting opinions... but because I was so "absorbed" into Spencer, I believed him. My children probably lost out on good parenting by me for at least 6 months because I felt like I didn't know how to do what I had always done... and done well.

Funny... That his and my relationship came down to me needing to choose between him or them. Silly man... didn't he realize that no matter how bad of a mom you make me feel, I will still choose them first?

So, here I am.
Actually not in a relationship.
Not being able to absorb into some man and his life and likes.
Left to find what's left of me.
So, someday, someone will see me and really see me.