Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Do you?

Do you ever wonder about me... and how my day has been?

Do you ever open your phone wanting to call... just to close it again?

Do you ever think about my kids and their smiles upon their face?

Do you ever feel just a little out of place?

Do you ever reassure yourself that all of this was for the best...as you lie awake sleepless instead of getting rest?

Do you?

...I do.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

frustrated

I'm a little frustrated today...



frustrated at my students for not listening...I mean I'm not here to hear myself talk people!

frustrated at my own children for wanting to go, go, go ...and not understanding that mom is tired at the end of the day.

frustrated at my neighbors for mowing their lawns...I mean, I know it is spring time, but do you have to make me feel bad about it already??

Friday, March 26, 2010

it's the little things...

I have a student, K., who can't seem to help himself from getting into trouble.
...but he's one of those kids that you just can't help but love.

Earlier this year, he got in trouble for stealing a handheld pencil sharpener in my classroom from another student. I dealt with the problem accordingly. But when I asked him why he did it, he said, "Because I thought the pencil sharpener was cool."

So I asked him if he thought it would be cool to steal a pencil sharpener from me ...if I had a cool one. "Oh. No, Ms. T. I would never steal from you."

I told him, "Well, if you would never steal from me, than you need to think of it as me the next time you think about taking something from someone."

Today I stopped him as he headed out to recess because he had work to finish. He groaned as I handed him the papers. I looked at him, smiled, and said, "If I didn't love and care about you so much...I wouldn't keep you in from recess...BUT because I do, you get to complete this work." I handed him 2 out of the 4 papers he needed to do (so not to overwhelm him.)

A few minutes later, I stopped to help another student and when I looked up, he was gone. I told the other workroom teacher I would be back. I found him outside playing basketball. He again groaned as I showed him the other two papers.

As we walked down the hall, I asked him the questions off the paper. He knew them ALL! I looked at him and said, "If you know these, then why don't you do them????" The corner of his mouth curved and one shoulder rose and fell. I couldn't help but smile back. "Just do them! Okay?" I responded.

At the end of the day, I walked into the gym where the bus kids were waiting. Up pops K. He comes running over with his arms outstretched, smile plastered across his face, and gives me a hug and tells me, " Have a good weekend, Ms. T., can't wait to see you on Monday!"

... it's the little things that make teaching worthwhile.

NOT Trivial Pursuit

So...I have been going on a few dates with this guy, J.

He's a nice guy...but he has been pursuing me HARD!

So hard, in fact, it almost seems obsessive to me.



He has gone back and read every single one of my blog posts.

I have been blogging for 2 years.

That is 2 years worth of thoughts and feelings that I threw out into cyber-space never giving another passing thought to again.

Two years worth of info that someone I have only gone on 3 dates with should NOT know about me.

I mean, isn't the purpose of dating to gradually get to know the other person...not know every thought or whimsy that has passed through their brain over the past few years???



So, today, I ended it. I told him thanks for the nice time, but I don't see us moving forward. I want someone to know me because I told them about me...not my blog!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Where's the spark when you need it?

So this guy I went out with the other day is totally into me.

He is a good dad.
He has a good paying job.
He is a Christian.

So, I'm sure you're thinking, "GREAT!"
...Not so great.

Cause, see... I can't seem to muster up even just a tiny spark for him.

...and I feel bad because my head keeps saying, "This is the type of guy you need. He wants to take care of you!"

and my heart says, "Ppppllllllttttt"

Damn inner conflict.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Keeping me in line

I was out on a date this evening when my phone rang.
I know it's NOT good manners to answer your phone at dinner, but it was my boys and I hadn't talked to them all day...so I answered the call.

Colby talked on and on about his day. Then he stopped.

C:"What are you doing, Mom?"
me: "I'm eating dinner."
C: "Where?"
me: "At Red Lobster."
C: "Who are you with?"
me: "My friend, J."
C: "Who else?"
me: "no one else sweetheart."
C: "Well...you know it's a school night."
me: "yeah...I know it's a school night.
C: "...and it's also almost bedtime."
me: "I know...I promise not to stay out too late."

Gotta love it when your almost 7 year old is giving you the tenth degree.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

How do you choose your bracket?

Okay...I know this is NOT normally something I would blog about... but tonight as I am waiting for 60 Minutes to come on, the NCAA tournament was running waaaaayyy longer than the allotted time slot... so I sat and watched it.

Now...back when I was married, March meant filling out a basketball bracket on teams that I knew nothing about so that my ex, R., could have an "extra chance at winning" the pool he had entered.

Like I said, I knew nothing about these teams. I didn't follow college basketball... I mean, I occasionally went to a basketball game when I was in college, but I was by no means a follower.

So when these brackets were set in front of me, I had a few criterion that I went through in order to pick my winning teams.

1. If they had a really cool or strange name, I picked them.
2. If they had a good mascot, I picked them.
3. (and when all else failed) I'd check out their team colors...if they had a good color scheme, I'd pick them.

You'd be surprised at how well my picks worked :)

For one...Xavier (cool name) won yesterday.

For two...the Purdue Boilermakers (cool team mascot name...even though I had no idea what a boilermaker was till just recently~ i.e.- train, as in, locomotive...yeah, the picture in my brain of a Boilermaker was much more impressive) They, too, won.

And thirdly...the UNI Panthers have it going on with their Purple and Gold. Yep, you guessed it. They won too.

Too bad I wasn't playing the bracket this year with my awesome picks!
...I never did care for March Madness anyways...

Thursday, March 18, 2010

five plus five equals ten??

The boys and I had a wonderful day today. The sun was shining (finally) and we had a whole day planned ~ dentist, lunch play date at the outdoor McDonald's playland, and then the circus.

As we headed out the door to start our day, I remembered the five dollar bill I had stuffed in my jeans pocket. I quickly yanked it out with the intention of putting it in my purse.

rrriiiiippp!
"Oh no." I say disappointed.

Colby leans forward, "What? What was that?"

I hold up the two pieces of the five dollar bill.

"Hey! Now you have ten dollars, Mom!" Colby announces smiling.
"It doesn't work that way Son."
"What? What do you mean? Five plus Five equals Ten!"

Yeah...I only wish that was the way I could double my money.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A day for Green

People often ask me why St. Patty's day is one of my favorite holidays.

Sure...I've got a little Irish heritage runnin' through my blood...but that's not why.
It's my love of green that fuels my craziness for this day!

As a kid, I think I liked the fact that I could trick my friends by wearing green underware and then getting pinched only to pinch them 3 times back when they pinched me for not wearing green.




Throughout college, I sent my bestie a pair of green underware every year in the mail just in time for St. Patty's Day. She learned quickly not to open packages from me just anywhere. :)

Green to me has so many meaning behind it.


It is the color
...of life/growth/newness.


of positive things (greener pastures/luck)






of jealousy.


of sexuality.




To me, no other color holds such depth.

For 'tis green, green, green, where the ruined towers are gray,
And it's green, green, green, all the happy night and day;
Green of leaf and green of sod, green of ivy on the wall,
And the blessed Irish shamrock with the fairest green of all.

~Mary Elizabeth Blake

Saturday, March 13, 2010

it started out as coffee

I headed into Spring Break with the thoughts of what might have been.
I know I would have spent majority of it with Spencer... if we were together still.

...but I knew that wouldn't help.
...thinking that way would keep me at home... in my pajamas ... sulking.
....and I didn't (don't) want that.

So, I stepped out of my (current) comfort zone.
I went on a date.
It started out as coffee.
It led to lunch.

We had good conversation.
He thinks were a good fit.

I am guarded.
I'm not ready to let someone in quite yet.
I think he understands this.

If not, at least it was a good day with good conversation...and no sulking.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

my forgotten smile...and a WHOLE lot of stressors

You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there.”

So...I survived this week.
Most of you probably aren't surprised...I actually kinda am.
'Cause I not only survived going another week without him...but I am actually feeling really good.
Again... most of you probably aren't surprised.

It takes a LOT to take me down and keep me there.
...and trust me, I was there.

But I am on the mend...Thanks to a LOT of kind words and gestures by friends (old and new).

My ex-husband (strangely enough) even had some heart-felt words to share with me. (Just FYI, when he reads this... he will be doing some sort of little happy dance that I mentioned him on here...and yes, I think it is just as weird, as you do, that he follows my blog.)

Not only was this week hard because I was mending a broken heart, but because I had Parent/Teacher Conferences this week.

For all of you out there that think that we, teachers, love this time of year. BOY are you wrong!

I had to tell a set of parents today that I think that their daughter needs to be retained. I have taught 9 years and this is the first, dead-set, without question, needs-to-happen retention I have had to say. Needless to say, it was not easy on the parents...but it wasn't easy on me either.
A week ago, I'm not sure I would have been mentally strong enough to press on and show them exactly why retention would be the best thing. But God gave me the foresight to know to hold the meeting without the principal, the counselor, and the Title I teacher all present. (which they normally are, when retention is considered) These parents said that they didn't feel like they were being bombarded like they had in the past when retention was mentioned. They also were appreciative that I let their daughter have a voice in the decision... she said she did want to be retained. Overall, for as stressful as it was, it went very well.

I also found out this week that my car needs about $500 worth of work done to it. So now I am faced with the decision of whether or not to spend it on my 12 year old car or start looking for a new one... This is a day I had hoped wouldn't come for at least a little while longer. Thankfully a friend's husband has agreed to change my brakes so that I can drive it a bit longer and I won't die in the process.

Today I took Colby to the Ear, Nose, and Throat Specialist today. The doc said that his tonsils need to come out. He said that it could wait until summer though, which is good since I don't want Colby to miss any more school than he already has...and I don't want to miss any more school either. Plus, it will be SOOOO much better to have to eat all of that ice cream in July, right??

I think I may have re-found my smile...it will promptly be placed back where it belongs. I'm headed into a week of Spring Break, relaxation, and my favorite holiday where everyone in the world wears green for a day.

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them."

Monday, March 8, 2010

day 7

It's been a week...It feels like a lifetime.
This weekend has been the hardest.
I know weekends will be hard for me for a while.
Weekends are when I got to see him.
I even texted him.
I got no response.
It is probably for the best...even though it hurt.

I want to move on...but the ache inside me keeps me from doing that.
My loss is greater than I could have imagined.
I loss my best friend.
The person I shared my every joy...my every sorrow.

I have such sorrow now...and no one to share it with.
My kids do something wonderful... and I have no one to share it with.

Don't get me wrong... I have wonderful girl friends, but they were not the ones I called to share my day with... to b*tch...to laugh.

No... It was him.

My youngest sweetly asks if he can give me a hug "So you will feel better Momma."
Who am I gonna share that with?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

everything's not okay

I know I shouldn't miss him as much as I do...I didn't expect things to end badly between us ever.

He was a man I considered marrying and growing old with.

We had future plans made...or at least, in the works.

We had talked about riding up to Maine this summer and seeing the lighthouses...something I have on my bucket list.

I know it is something I will still do...someday.


It makes me sad.

Sad that that door has closed completely.

I had hoped it would remain ajar for at least a little while longer.

But I guess that was selfish of me...wanting the security of a friendship without the intimacy of a relationship.

I guess I need to realize that other people don't function like I do.

When I make my mind up, no matter how hard the decision, I can make everything be okay.

I thought everything would be okay.

Everything is not okay.



Wednesday, March 3, 2010

how I can sleep at night

I had VERY vivid dreams last night....dreams that people were trying to break into my house.
They weren't just trying to break down my doors either... no... they were men parachuting in from Army helicopters. When I tried to call 911, my fingers couldn't get the numbers right on my cell phone and I panicked. When I reached my home phone, it was disconnected. I tried to turn on the lights to see what was wrong and that is when I realized I had no power. I ran back to my bedroom all along trying to call for help. As I reached for my doorknob to lock my bedroom door, I panicked...there wasn't a door knob to lock. A bald man with a squished up face forced open the door. About the time he started to speak, I woke up.


I hate having dreams like that when I am by myself. When my boys are here, they give me a sense of security. Even though I am the one protecting them, they give me a mental security... you know the "Momma Bulldog" mentality ~where I wouldn't allow anything to happen to my babies, so I know nothing is going to happen to me.

But when I am by myself, I tend to lose that Momma Bulldog. I lay awake listening... making sure there really isn't anything making noises in my house.

That is why I tend to look up what my dreams mean...to know what lies beneath allows me to distract myself long enough to fall back asleep.

Last night's dream meant that I was bailing out of a situation (parachute) that I had focused ambitions on (helicopter). I felt like I was losing a grip (fingers) on a connection I had with a relationship (telephone) and, in return, felt a lack of control (panic). I had a lack of insight or perspective (loss of electricity) of issues that I needed to get a handle on (door knobs) and I have feelings of anger that need to be faced head on (forced).

(If you know anything about what is going on with me right now...you know my dream was dead on! If you don't know what's going on with me...read back a few posts.)

Having this insight is what allows me to fall back asleep when I'm alone ...and the Momma bulldog is nowhere to be found.

Monday, March 1, 2010

One less friend

Passionate people are VERY expressive... with EVERY emotion.

'nuff said.



"When love is not madness, it is not love." ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca