Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Soothing my soul

I read before I head to bed.
It quiets the inner dialog that occurs in my head... that constant chatter that I can't seem to turn off as I lie in bed... not unless I read.
Reading seems to soothe those voices.
I wonder if others have the uneasiness, that restlessness, that just won't stop.

I worry about it sometimes...
I worry that maybe this is how it started with my father. Was he always paranoid schizophrenic?
I don't know... Or did his inner dialog get too loud?  To the point that he couldn't turn it off... and so it made him snap... and turn into the monster that beat my mother.

My sister-in-law, Xuan, met my dad for the first time about 3 months ago.
She said he was a nice man who liked to joke.
He was on his meds.
I don't have a fond memory of him like that.
The last time I saw him, he was over-medicated and was like a zombie.  My aunt said it was probably best with the passing of my grandfather.
That was 5 yeas ago.

Other than that, I only have childhood memories of him.
Not wanting to see us... or not having the time to see us because it would throw him off his "normal" schedule... Even after we had traveled 11+ hours to see him.
Or him showing up at our house unexpectantly, being loud and destructive, and then leaving just as unexpectantly.

Don't get me wrong... I hold a few good moments... but when I think of my dad, I don't think of those moments first.

All of these this things flood me as I lay down to sleep...
So... yeah... reading is good.
It soothes my soul.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I LOVE to hear what your thoughts are on my leave me a comment. Tell me what's on your mind!