Filling the gap

It's late and I'm tired.
I was actually physically ready to go to bed about 3 hours ago.
But I'm up.

You might wonder why...
Yes, I do have too much on my plate right now...
But sometime you have to push those things that overflow your plate aside.

Like for your nephew's birthday...
Who so sweetly asked me, "Aunt Dawn, You know Curious George? I want a Curious George cake."
So... of course, despite the fact that I had my 4 hour final exam this weekend and a thesis paper that isn't finished and is due in 2 weeks, I make him a Curious George cake.

And as I wander the aisles trying to figure out what a 4 year old little boy who loves Curious George would want for his birthday, I think about my momma... and how she would stay up late and always came through sewing up whatever themed thing we loved at the time.

It hurts my heart that my mom didn't know her grandchildren, but even more that they never knew her.
So... instead of going to bed when I was tired... In honor of my momma, I sewed this.

I hope when my nephew lays his head snuggled next to ol' George, he will know that I sewed it for him because there is a gap where a grandma should be...

A birthday wish

I wake.
It's not immediately clear that you are here with me, but you are.
I go about my day.
I read off the date to my students and it hits me.
It's your birthday.
How could I have forgotten?
I stop frozen in my tracks... but only for a second because young voices call me back to the present.

Later, with the sun on my face, I admire the changing leaves.
Happy birthday to you!
Nature's own special gift.
Again, I smile.
How many times did you make the trip to see the mountains of changing colors?
Too many to count, I'm sure.

Blinking through the tears, I look to the sky and whisper a soft "Happy birthday" hoping the gentle breeze will carry my wish to you.

I may have the last name as them... But...

I don't know why I have struggled so much this summer.
Maybe it's because my ex is having a baby...
Maybe it's because I don't know my place or role anymore...
You see...
My boys have gone on a 2 week family vacation with my ex and his WHOLE family.
Vacations I used to go on.
Places I used to go to.
Family I used to see.

And even though R's family has been tremendous to not exclude me in most things, the truth is I'm an outsider... and will forever more be an outsider.

I have no desire to be back with R.  Please don't think that.
I just miss that I'm missing out on adventures and family time... with a family that I dearly love.

In my corner

My parents divorced when I was 7.
My father was an abusive man to my mother.
I grew up believing in strong women and not needing a man in my corner.

I married not having the self confidence of a pre-pubescent girl and I tried to believe that the man I had (slowly, begrudgingly, completely) fallen for would be in my corner. But, in the end, he was not.  He had his own and followed it out of our marriage.

So here I am many years later...
Fearful to give my all to any man because I don't see them ever being fully in my corner.

...However...
...There is this one man...

This man is the father mine was not.
This man thanked God for sending him a second child (me) in the form of a high school student.
This man stood firm to try to help me save my marriage and then stood beside me when I said it couldn't be.
This man was at the birth of both of my children and has quietly let his presence be known as their Papa.
This man has listened to my struggles and has offered support time and time again.

But best of all...
I know he is in my corner.

Hungry bear

I'm not normally a b*tch.
Really, I'm not.

But, all bets are out the window when I get hungry.
Yes, I should wear a shirt like this:

To my boys, I call it my "Hungry Bear"
I say, "I'm sorry I growled at you... it's my Hungry Bear coming out. We'd better find Momma some food soon!"

But last night, my hungry bear came right at the right time!!
You see...I love my brother and my sister-in-law(SIL) but they are still living in my house which I am doing my best to not lose it.
So when my SIL said, "Hey, we have an option of my mom moving here on Friday... What do you think?"
I went off!!

You see... normally I would have hem-hawed around the topic and told her I would think that wouldn't have been best...that them finding their own house first would be ideal..

But instead, she caught me when I was about an hour late for supper and my hungry bear was in full force...
So, my response was, "No! Absolutely not!!  Unless you actually want to pay rent here. NO!"

I have to say I was actually proud of myself... and glad for my hungry bear for once.

I guess I will have to eat a little crow...

My brother moved in with me last October with plans of getting my sister-in-law's nail shop up and running before she quit her job and came here.
It was suppose to have opened in November... That didn't happen.

My sister-in-law joined my brother here in January.
Her nail shop opened in February.

Since March, I have been telling my brother (who is looking for his first teaching job) to apply EVERYWHERE!!

I told him that you don't get your dream job in the exact town that you want your first go around.  Sometimes you might have to drive... or take a grade level you don't want... or a subject you don't want just to get your foot in the door.

I got him a full time subbing job at my building.... In hopes that they would see the potential in him that I knew he had (and also with the hopes that I could eventually - sooner than later - get my house back!!)

But Tim, he was picky...
He would only apply for jobs within 15-20 minutes of my house or the nail shop.
If it was a grade level or subject he didn't want, he didn't apply.

I was getting SO frustrated!!

The end of the school year finished with Tim still being without a job next year.  I know that frustrated him... but it frustrated me even more knowing there were jobs out there he could have applied for, but didn't.

So, he went back to Wisconsin to paint houses for the summer and left his wife here with me.

The beginning of this week, he called to say he was coming back for an interview ...at  the exact school he wanted to teach at  ... in the exact subject he wants to in.

He got the job.

Of course, I'm happy (Ecstatic really!!)  ...But it kinda means I have to eat a little crow. :/

God has a way of putting things in perspective

On Tuesday, I came home and bawled my eyes out.
I felt like the year I was planning for next school year had been ripped out from under me.

Then on Thursday, my son, Sam, got hit by a baseball while he was up to bat. The injury caused a 4 cm tear in  his spleen.
He has spent the last several days in the hospital being monitored... while I (along with many of our family, friends, neighbors, colleagues, teammates, classmates, etc.) prayed.... and prayed ... and prayed some more.

You see... Other things in the world don't seem to matter when the words "Bleeding internally" are thrown into your vocabulary.

So... Sleep deprived that I am, I want to you all know that I do know the little things (like job assignments) don't matter... and the big things (like the well-being of your children) do.


...Hug the ones that are close to you a little tighter tonight; for you never know what tomorrow will bring.

If I go insane, now you'll know why

When I was at college, I expected to have roommates...
I expected to have things of mine borrowed and not returned.
I expected to have food that I bought eaten and not replaced.
I expected to be awoken at hours I hadn't planned on being up at.

However, here at the age of 38... I had not planned for this:

My brother moved in back in October - in plans of getting his wife's new shop ready.  Their plan was for her to arrive around late November and to be moved out by Christmas.

Things didn't go as planned (and I get that).  The shop took a LOT longer than expected. She didn't get here until Jan... so they are both STILL in my house.

I didn't really have a problem with my brother being here... he and I are a LOT a like.

However... My SIL is the COMPLETE opposite... and the once she has moved in is when the roommate drama truly started.

Yes, they have borrowed my things without asking... my SIL even tried to even argue that my new scarf might be her's and I'm afraid my nice Dyson vacuum will never be the same. :(

Yes, they have eaten my food and not replaced it... and I get that they don't know my boys' eating habits, but if you finish it off... replace it.

Yes, they don't hold the hours that my boys and I hold... but on school days they tend to be up late and on days like today (snow day) they tend to be up early... and they aren't quiet.

And don't even get me started on the greasy foods that they cook ALL the time (yes, I am a healthy eater/cook) and leave my house smelly of oil and grease. YUCK!

So... needless to say, these snow days that are trapping us all together and preventing them from working to gain money to move closer to a moving day are just about to do me in!!!!

There's nothing greater than a mother's love

I stand and wait for the young mother who has parked next to me to load her toddler son into her car. 
We had arrived at our vehicles at almost the same exact time.  I motioned for her to go on ahead... I know what it's like to have a squirmy toddler in a parking lot. 
I notice a woman standing behind her vehicle, just waiting.  I smile politely at her.
The young mother sing-songy tells her son, "Mommy will be just a minute." and closes the door.
She thanks me as she lets me through.

I didn't pay attention to her for the next few minutes because I was busy talking to Sam and getting in my car...

...but the next scene I saw... was a daughter having to say good-bye to her mom.  The embrace was like only one a mom can give.  The tears were welling in the daughter's eyes as I noticed her license plate was from Virginia - so I knew she had a long road ahead of her.

Seeing that exchange made my eyes swell... I never know what is going to make me miss my mom...If only, I could have one more of those embraces...

Brothers

I love that my two boys have each other.  Nothing warms my heart more than seeing them cuddling next to each other hugging and loving on each other.  Sure... a few minutes later, they will instead be wrestling... and possibly even fighting... but for those few seconds, they are SO precious and the love radiates from them. I am so very happy to know that they will forever have each other to turn to, to laugh with, to cry with... even to fight with. But mostly to love!

I have 3 brothers that I love dearly.  Each one fills a different void. Michael, my older brother, lives for the day.  He has an adventurous lifestyle that I know I couldn't keep up with, but I would love trying.  My younger brother, Tim, is the one the most like me and I can tell anything to. Nick, my youngest brother, has shown me that family means more than I ever knew.

I have a few other brothers that I can't officially claim as my own, but in my heart, they are.... R. and Ty both have older brothers.  They both tortured their younger brothers in their younger years, but now they are role models that their brothers look up to and love dearly.
For me, they make me feel especially special every time I see them.  I can't explain it...  But they hug with fervor, they know the right questions to ask and the right things to say, and they make me feel more part of their family sometimes than their younger brothers.

Yes, brothers are something I definitely can't live without and I'm glad my life is filled with them.

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. - Desmond Tutu

Torn between two worlds

This weekend, Ty (the guy I'm dating) and R. (my ex) both had family weddings. For R., it was his little sister.... who I have known since she was 7. For Ty, it was his dad... who has FULLY embraced me into his family. (For those of you that know me, know I don't have a relationship with my own dad... so dad relationships are important to me.)

I struggled which event I should attend.

I was told by friends that without a doubt, I should be going with Ty.  The only problem with that was that I was making the wedding cakes for R.'s sister and had to be there delivering them RIGHT when Ty's dad's wedding started and my boys were in the wedding party.  Plus, R.s family is still my family.  (The unfortunate part is that it is family that I really don't get to see any more...) So I had decided to just go to R.s.

The night before the weddings, I was supposed to be cake decorating.  Both families had rehearsals and rehearsal dinners.  I decided to take a break from cake decorating (time I didn't really have to give up) to go to Ty's family's dinner.  I got a lot of "Oh! I didn't think you were going to be able to make it! I'm so glad you're here!!"  Needless to say, it made me feel good... but at the same time, I regretted not being able to be at the wedding.

Last night, I attended R's sister's wedding.  They loved the cakes.  I loved being able to see my boys take part in their aunt's wedding.  I loved seeing her awesome reactions - because she doesn't hold back how she is feeling... and neither does her new hubby.  I loved seeing all of R.'s family - They were my family for 10+ years and I miss them!!  Needless to say, I was happy that I was there...

...but at the same time, I felt like a third wheel.  R.'s girlfriend was there... and even though her and I get along great... Family picture time was MORE than awkward. I mean, I didn't jump into a picture with just him and the boys... but when they said "Okay, let's get a picture of the whole family." I didn't step up.  Then they were like, "Dawn, you too!"  Then at dinner, they said, "These tables are reserved for family"... Did that include me??  I honestly didn't know.  So I sat at the kid's table with my boys... and sat back and watched the adult conversation at the next table, feeling even more like I didn't belong.

I'm not sure I made the right choice...
I'm not sure I made the wrong choice...
I'm not sure there was a right choice.

But what I am sure of is that I was torn... and I have a feeling this won't be the last time.

the informant

I have been in this place before... even at a young age, my mother seemed to know I could handle stressful situations and let others know what was going on.

I can remember the day my grandmother died. I was in sixth grade and my mom came and picked me up from school early.  This was strange because my mother never picked me up.  She was a nurse and for part of my childhood she worked nights and was asleep during the day and for the other part she was a home-health nurse and was on the road.  So, her picking me up from school was not in the cards.

I can remember my brain slowing down not being able to process first why she was there and then second that my grandmother (who we lived with) was gone.

I cried and found comfort in letting my tears be washed away by the warm rough tongue of my dog, Digger, as I tried to bury my face in her fur.

A few hours later, we were preparing to head to the small Lutheran school in our town for play night.  Everyone went to play night because either you were related to someone in the school play or knew someone related to someone in the school play.  Right as we were headed out the door, my mom's cousin, Loretta, called to tell us that she found her dad (my grandfather's brother). He had died of a heart attack cutting her front lawn.

My mom and Loretta were like sisters... they had grown up on the same farm together(my grandmother and her sister married my grandfather and his brother)... and knowing they had both just lost a parent, my mother felt like she needed to go be by Loretta's side.

She held my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes, "Can you do me a favor?" she asked me. "Sure."   I said in my bravest twelve year old voice.  "Can you tell our family at the play about Great Uncle Bert dying?"  I nodded my head and turned to walk the 3 blocks to the school.

I remember it so clearly ... on the walk there, I tossed around exactly how I would say what I needed to say. Once there, the first family member I ran into was my cousin, Shirley. With a straight face, I said, "There has been a death in the family." Shirley hugged me and said, "I know. I'm sorry about grandma." I shook my head and said, "No. Uncle Bert."   Shirley corrected me and said, "Uncle Bert was there when grandma passed...but"  I stopped her and said very calmly, "Uncle Bert is dead too. Loretta found him. He had a heart attack." Shirley immediately went into hysterics. She hugged me and her tears ran down my face...


Fast forward ten years...
I don't like to think about the day my mom died... but the one thing I was insistent on was telling my brothers.  It was such tragic news, I didn't want them to hear it from a stranger (like I had).  So I made the dreaded phone calls. I ask them if they were sitting down.  Both Michael and Tim laughed when I asked them that... but I was insistent.  I knew my whole world had stopped and my head was spinning when I found out... and that I should have been asked to sit down.  Howls of horror came ... I still don't know if they were from my mouth or from the other end of the line.

Fast forward another 15 years...
Today my friend, Kelly, died. Even as I type that I can't keep the tears from filling my eyes and from shaking uncontrollably. She completed our group of four - Rachel, Kelly S, Kelly M., and I...
I still can't imagine how our group is going to work without her there... We all are friends, but I was the closet with Kelly M. We told each other things that we knew the other two may not understand.  It went both ways.  I'm not sure how that void is going to be filled. Also, no matter all the crappy stuff that was happening around her (cancer included) she was always SO happy!
Today, I got the call from Kelly's sister.  She was beside herself and I tried to piece out her words as she gasped into the phone.  But I knew the message... Kel had lost her battle against cancer.  I told her that I would call the other girls...My heart broke as I told them the news as we sat together on the phone and cried not having any words to comfort one another.

I learned today that I was much braver in my younger years... because I no longer want to take on the job of being the informant. I lost something in myself doing that job today.

A gift money can't buy

I drew my youngest brother, Nick, and his wife's name for Christmas.
Amongst the adults, we draw names ...because it's nice to get a gift.
Nick and LeaAnn wouldn't tell me what they wanted for Christmas and I don't like to play the guessing game.
So, I waited... and I waited... and I waited.
I waited until the day I was to grace them with my presence presents. (You see what I did there? ;) hee hee)
They finally told me movie theater tickets so they could go on a date.
Then they saw everything that I had bought for my niece and nephew and told me I went overboard. (What can I say... I love them to pieces!!)
They asked instead of buying the movie tickets, would I come babysit instead?
...Because peace of mind is a gift money can't buy.
Of course, I said yes!!

I still get together once a month with three girls that I taught with back at the beginning of our careers.  We have been doing it now for over 10 years. We have shared everything with each other.
At least we thought we had.
This week we learned that K.L. has cancer.
She had a cough that she couldn't get rid of. She finally couldn't stop coughing one night shortly after our girls' night out and headed to the ER. They found a mass between her lungs.
Words like : localized and malignant quickly became part of my vocabulary.
I don't know what to do for her.
I know to give her love and support and prayers...
... but I don't know what to do for her...
...because friendship is a gift money can't buy and I would hate to lose hers.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death.
Fifteen years without my mom.
...It's strange to see that written out.
I don't normally think about it in years, just time passed with me missing her.
My ex, R., is always gracious enough to let me have the boys on Christmas because he knows this time of year is hard for me.
My boys know it too.
I try to fill them with all of the memories of my childhood and what I think my mom would want them to know.
But I know I can't give them all...
...because having a grandma filled with memories and thoughts of her own is a gift money can't buy.

I get a phone call.
It's not early... I just haven't managed to get myself out of bed yet.
It's Dale (my surrogate dad).
He's calling to check on my car.
Then I get a call from the boys...
...to tell me they love me.
Finally I get a text from Ty...
...asking me if I would like to join him for lunch.
yep.
Feeling loved...
...is the best gift money can't buy!!

Oh give thanks...

Day 1 - People will be here in four days. MUST. start. cleaning.
Day 2 - All toilets have been scrubbed. All towels and bed sheets have been washed. Three days - SO much to do!
Day 3 - Go home sick from work. Running a fever. Aches. Sore throat. Head to the doctor. Two days - gonna take that long to get well.
Day 4 - Bake pies... take naps in between. One day to go. Make children vacuum and put dishes away.  Decide a spotless house is overrated.
Day 5 - Guests arrive. Feeling better. Sheets are back in the washer in hopes to NOT get visitors sick. Eat TOO much food. Stay up half the night shopping.
Day 6 - Entertain guests.  Unload and reload the dishwasher 3 times. Hope that some of this food leaves with them. Wish for a nap.
Day 7 - Everyone showers, eats, and packs up. Say your goodbyes. Sit down in a house with a sink of dirty dishes, a laundry room full of dirty towels and sheets, a refrigerator full of leftovers you don't want to eat.

Yep. LOTS to be Thankful for.

Today would have been my mother's birthday

Today is mother's birthday... She would have been 71 years old.

That's hard for me to imagine.

She was young and vibrant... even at 56 (the age she was when she died.)

Sometimes it is hard to believe that was 15 years ago...

I tried not to think about it too much today... It makes me sad, not just because she is gone, but because I hate that she is missing out on everything now... especially her grandchildren.

I saw this poem and it perfectly describes how I carry my mother with me everywhere I go.

and then my brother posted this on FB...

The moon, a day past half full, but rising, a friend and I outside, a table of teak and festive Spanish tile beneath the whisper of trees wrapped in twinkling lights, a refreshingly cool night, amid a pleasant clatter and chatter of those around us with their glasses and plates half consumed, ice melting in our own margaritas, deciding slowly ourselves what to eat, amid easy conversation, the waiter back twice to check, finally served, and the moment makes me think of you, perhaps out of something, or out of nothing, uneasily, from a dinner unfolding now, to so long ago, and the present convivial conversation goes on floating above the memories so far below, the idea of your birthday, gone uncelebrated since a decade and a half ago, but the wind catches my napkin and your memory, and the distraction carries you away, again.

Yes, my mother was a writer... she passed that down to her children.

I love and miss her daily.

It's amazing what you'll hear, if you just listen...

I have always been a people watcher.
Some people might call it 'nosy'... I call it 'interested in human interaction'.

This weekend I spent the whole weekend with Ty and his whole family.
I loved to sit and watch the interaction between them all and listen to their conversations.
It's funny... to be an outsider who is allowed in to a tight knit group where nothing is being filtered .. and have to figure out all the little quirks and inside jokes and who feels what about whom.

Ty knows I love to eavesdrop.
He knows that I catch conversations that most wouldn't.

At the beginning of the weekend, he kept coming by me and saying, "This is what's happening." I'd reply with, "I know." and give him a little smirk...

By the end of the end of the weekend, I was telling him what was going on.
At one point and time, I was dozing on the couch almost asleep, when a conversation came up that I had info on.
I sat up and answered.
Ty was like, "I thought you were sleeping! ...Always Ms. Ears."

But the more I listened and the more I learned... the more I know how much I like him... and his family!

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches.

Has anyone ever asked you how you were named?  Do you have an interesting story?

I feel (as a parent) that a child's name should have significance... meaning... a good story to tell why they are named the name that they are.  So when someone asks them, they can hold their head high and proud and tell their story.

Maybe I feel this way because of my story... here is the story of how I was named...


My parents hadn't found out the sex that I was... it was common practice back then, but they had picked out names. (Come to think of it,  I never thought to ask what boy name was picked for me...)

Anyways, I was supposed to be named Teresa Marie (for Mother Teresa and the Mother Mary - my dad was a devote catholic.) At the time my mom was pregnant with me, my dad was an adjunct college English professor in Alaska. He wrote a story about an Indian father who had to name his child before it was born.  The Indian father named his child "Dawn" for the dawning of the day.  My dad did a lot of writing at the time and didn't ever tell my mom about that story that he had written.  My mom came across that story one day as she was cleaning up the house.  She read it, but thought nothing more of it.  The morning I was born (at 4:56 am), my dad (not knowing my mom had read the story) hesitantly asked my mom "Could we name her Dawn instead?"  Since my mom had read the story, she immediately understood and said, "Yes! It fits her perfectly!"  They didn't want to COMPLETELY get rid of the names that they had mulled over, so my whole name is Dawn Marie Therese.

I love telling that story.
I love that I have a story.
Tell me your story.

We're going to the zoo... zoo... How about you... you?

Another sunny day and we head outside.

Today's destination? The zoo.

Sam made me sing the song that is in the title.

We have sung it since he was little.

Kinda makes me sad... not sure how much longer he will ask me to sing it...

But today... today was sung in a happy tone... with happy voices because we had sunny skies.

My little monkeys

 We went to the reptile house.
I get it that a lot of people don't care for it...
but me... I mean, how could you not love these little faces??

And then there were the meerkats... I love them... and so do my boys.

I mean... how cute are they??

We then headed to the African Forest...

 ...and I got a little artistic.

We finally were experiencing the Texas heat...

...a couple of ice cream cones later and a trip under a few shade trees

  ...and we were back to all smiles.

Then we met this cute guy.

 He even gave us kisses through the window.

We're been to the zoo... zoo.  How about you... you?
Sigh. I love that song...

Wrestling with gators... and no, I'm not talking about my children.

It managed to rain every day from the time we arrived in Houston.

One of the places that I had promised the boys was to go to a gator farm... yet, it rained... and rained... and rained some more.

So the one morning that we woke up and it wasn't raining we decided to head toward Beaumont.
(It rained on our way there... but we won't talk about that)

We arrived... and the boys were so excited!!

 They had watched this guy many times on River Monsters.

We found out that due to flooding most of the gators had escaped the day before... thankfully they were back in their pens by the time we arrived.

 Colby having a bit of fun with a gator. (Don't worry... this one was fake... all the others though completely real!!)

Yep. this one is a real one... and yes, he looked like he wanted to eat us for dinner.

... and then he called his buddies.

 So... what did we agree to do?? Catch one...

and sit on him... He is telling me, "Whatever you do... don't let go!!"

 "Oh!" I think was my response.

The boys were excited to meet Gary Saurage.

As we left there, the skies were still blue... so we headed towards the beach.

But before we got there... we (unfortunately) came across gator road kill. Something I never thought I would see.

We hadn't planned for the beach, so I told the boys to hike up their shorts and to wade.

Despite my best efforts... the boys did NOT stay dry. (surprise, surprise)

Sam fell in... so I rung out his shirt and gave them the go ahead.

Which made them VERY happy!!

As we head back to Houston... the clouds began to roll in.

Out on the town

So... yesterday after geeking my boys up, Shane and Brian were kind enough to to take the boys to see Ice Age 3 while Michael and I went out on the town.

I honestly don't know if Michael and I have ever gone out drinking together... maybe once in college.

More than anything, I wanted him to show me his town and introduce me to more of his friends.

We went to Kung Fu Saloon... It was a new bar. It also had a 1980 video games throughout.

Michael and I didn't take the time to play games (mainly because they were SOOOO busy) but we did take time to document our time together.

From there we headed to Anvil Bar and Refuge.

 This place is known for its "mixologists".  

Michael got the "Dewberry Swizzle": Nicaraguan Rum, Lime, Falernum, Dewberry Jam 

and I got "Madeira Cobbler" - Madeira, Orange, Apricot

It honestly wasn't my favorite drink... but then again, I'm more of a vodka girl.

From there we went to Boondocks.
This was definitely  not our scene!
Lots of college kids with kind of a hip hop scene, so we moved on to F Bar

This is where Michael and his friends hang out normally on a Friday night.
I loved meeting them and how gracious they all were toward me.
Nothing more accepting than a bunch of gay men to a guy's little sister. :)