Our lake weekend getaway

I prayed for this...

I prayed for a weekend of no baseball and sunshine.

The forecast all week showed that this weekend was going to be nothing but rain clouds and storms... and despite the fact that I was glad that we finally had time to get away to spend time together as a little family of five... I was disappointed with the weather.

So, I prayed.

Because my momma taught me that God listens to even the littlest prayers.

We woke to rain softly falling outside.
I had prepared for this... I had packed card games, just in case.

The rain lessened but it was SO cold and damp...
It didn't stop the kids though.

Richard then took us out on the gator... and was crazy enough to let the kids drive!

We found a beautiful little bird's nest.

Then Todd and Lois started their craziness of cooking...

Course 1
Crab Cakes and Saffron Risotto served with Mango/Pineapple Salsa and Grilled Sausages.

Course 2
A lemon cake with lavender buttercream that I made...  Some chose to eat it with Vanilla bean ice cream.

Then as if it was planned... the clouds went away, it got REALLY warm... so we headed out on the lake. (Thank you dear Lord for hearing small prayers)
The kids had fun!

And then we all just laid in the sun

We headed back to eat more...
Todd out did himself once again...

Course 3
Chicken Roulade stuffed with Prosciutto, Gorgonzola, Asparagus, Sweet Bells and Sage served with Caramelized Cremini Mushrooms and a Marsala Cream with Sun Dried Tomatoes. Garnished with Chive Blossoms and Crisped Sage.

We had a wonderfully relaxing (filling) weekend!!

Just what I needed

You know you have one of those moments where, in your head, you are just like, "Wow."

Yeah... I had several moments like that this weekend.

Let's start out with the first...
I am someone who tries not to be judgmental.  I preach it to my students that differences are the best things about us.

However, I was raised in a pretty conservative part of the country... and even though I speak, "Don't be judgmental." Sometimes... I have judged books by their cover.  I'm not proud of it, just stating a reality.

Dating Todd...Well... dating Todd has open my eyes to things that I needed my eyes opened to.
In the past, I probably wouldn't have dated a guy like Todd because he isn't as fit as he should be... but it doesn't change the compassion in his heart or the way he makes me laugh.

Man, we laugh SO hard!

This weekend we went to stay with his buddy, Wes.
When you look at Wes, what you see is someone who is overweight, bald headed, and completely covered in tattoos.
But what you should really be seeing is the fact that Wes is an amazing guy who is compassionate and hospitable and who is one day going to make an INCREDIBLE counselor to lost teens!!

That first "Wow!" moment hit me pretty hard and fast... and honestly made me feel pretty awful.

The second one came at dinner.  Wes said something along the lines of me being "WAY out of Todd's league." I proceeded to tell Wes that I don't believe in leagues... and that I am slowly learning my lesson to date the nice guys.

... it made me learn that the street runs both ways.  I'm being judged just as much for the outside as Wes is...

The next Wow! came when Todd drove around the block 3 times just so I could get the perfect picture of the opera house that I wanted.  I didn't even ask him... He just knew I didn't get a good picture, so he kept driving around.

Sure, I would do that on my own...
But all the guys in the past that I have been with would have done one of two things:
1. Not stopped at all for the picture
2. Circled once and when I missed the shot, basically would have told me to deal with it.

The last Wow! was just the fact that when either Todd or I saw something that interested us, we stopped.
We had no agenda, no schedule, just fun.  This is how I love to travel,,, and it is nice to be with someone who feels the same.

We took a Boulevard brewery tasting tour. (Even though I don't drink beer, I had fun.)

We ate authentic KC BBQ.

We played darts.

We ate in a quaint little cafe.

We stopped for cheddar mushroom brats and beef jerky.

Yep.  This weekend was just what I needed in so many ways...

The fast and slow of it

My relationship with Todd has been fast and slow.
We just seem to get each other... Many times we are thinking the same thing or react at the same time.  Things just seem easy.

Tomorrow is the 4 month mark for us... Yet it feels like a year.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is still new.

Tonight was one of those times.

Today was a weird day weather-wise.  It started out icy. Then it was just rainy, but they were predicting more icy weather.

My mom died on icy roads.

I don't normally drive when it is icy... and when I do, it is only out of necessity.

I was talking to Todd earlier in the day telling him how I wasn't sure if I would be getting out.  That several neighbors had posted on Facebook about how there were cars that had slid off.   Todd made a comment about how people around here are just overly dramatic when it comes to winter weather and that from where he is from in Illinois this weather wouldn't stop them.

I tried to explain that once he slid off a road he would change his tune.

Later we were heading out for dinner.  He mentioned that maybe we should drive separate so he could leave straight from the restaurant to get his daughter home and in bed on time. I froze.  Just for a second. The thought of driving on what could possibly be icy roads caught me.  He caught it... Maybe it was subconscious, but he caught it and said, "Nevermind. We'll come back here.  Let's ride together."  I was relieved.

Driving to the restaurant, I asked him how the roads were coming down. He said, "Oh, you know, every few hundred feet we did a doughnut, but nothing that we couldn't handle."

He was joking, but I tensed up.  

"You didn't really. Did you?" I asked.

"No, but what's a little ice?" he responded.

"My mom died on "a little ice." I retorted.

He apologized profusely.

I felt horrible for the snap of my tongue... 

It wasn't his fault.  I have told him that my mom died in a car wreck and that my brother was driving. I haven't gone into all of the details...We have only dated 4 months... and even though it sometimes feels longer, times like this remind me that it is still new and we have a LOT of getting to know each other still.

Crossroads

I can feel it.
I can feel myself pulling away.
I don't know why... we had such a great weekend last weekend.
But I feel it.
It's the instinct that I have where I know if I go much further, I'm gonna get hurt... or someone's gonna get hurt...
... and so my walls start to go up and I want to run.

And I begin to question why I wasn't worth fighting for in my marriage...
and if I wasn't worth fighting for then, am I worth fighting for now?

I don't feel like I have that kind of fight in me anymore.
I used to be so strong in believing that good always won out.
But it doesn't.
And I don't believe that any more.

I believe there are good stents.
And you hang on to them as long as you can...
But they will end.
And when they do someone will get hurt.

So that is why I put up my walls and run...
Because the pain from running is a lot less than the pain from staying... and not being worth fighting for.
Or at least that is what I have convinced myself.

So... here I am, standing at the crossroads trying to decide a path of whether to stay or run.

What to expect when you're... the first woman he's dated since his divorce

Yeah...
I have been here before.

I somehow attract men that are freshly out in the dating world.

Don't get me wrong... Being in the dating world too long can make you cynical. It can make you believe that there really isn't anyone out there and you are just going to float through life alone.

So, new and optimistic that a love can happen again is great!

But with that positive outlook also comes with exes.

Exes who have never had to experience and adjusting to their ex being with someone new.
Exes who have never thought about their child being around someone new.
Exes who want to hurt the man that you now care deeply for.

Yeah.
So... here's my two cents worth... for what it's worth.

It is an adjustment, so let them adjust.  Also, let the kids adjust. Sure, they maybe loving all the fun we are having, but they also have to share daddy... and sometimes sharing makes jealousy rears its ugly head.  So give them time... and let them all adjust.

I get it.  I want to know who my children are around, so let me meet your ex.  Let me talk to her so she can see that I mean no harm to her child and that I will love that little one, but that won't replace her as the mom. I'm a good person and I want your ex to see that too.

Of course you two are not always on the best of terms, but how you react about her tells me a LOT about you... and vice versa.  So, remember to be cordial (when really what you want to do is rip their head off.) and know that sometimes the other party just needs to blow off a little steam.

So... Yes, I have advice to give about what to do or not do (because this isn't my first rodeo), but really it's advice I would rather not give.

floating downstream

So... first off, I know Facebook isn't private.
Not totally anyways.

But what I didn't know is that if I post something onto a public forum page, it will show up in my feed for others to read.

...and here's how my story begins...

So... I follow this public forum where the curator every so often posts - "Right Here. Right now. Tell me the 100% truth"

So I did.

I typed "The guy I'm dating mentioned me being his wife tonight... And I'm scared because we have only dated a month."

Well... guess what.  T doesn't spend a whole lot of time on FB... but as my fate has it, he logged on RIGHT after I posted that and that was the FIRST thing in his news feed.

I found it strange that he was calling me so late.

But this is the kind of guy that he is... He told me why he was calling (yes, I was completely embarrassed!!) then he explained that he had said that tongue in cheek (which I knew he had) and then he gave me a scenario.

He said,  "When we are fighting against our past fears, it is like we are trying to swim upstream. It's hard. We wear ourselves out. But when we roll over onto our back and look forward, it's like we are floating downstream.  It's easy and it takes us to where we are meant to be."

So... here's to floating downstream.

What a nasty, rainy, glorious weekend - Seriously Serious

Yeah... So I had this wonderful weekend all planned out where the boys and I would hang out with the new guy I'm dating, T. We would go to a festival nearby hanging outside all day...

Somehow, I missed watching the forecast.

And it rained... and rained... and rained some more.

This, of course, kept us inside...

But, it also kept us inside... to take time to do things we may not have otherwise.

Like playing this game...

My mother bought it for my brothers and I back in the 90's.  I honestly don't remember playing it as a kid, but when my youngest brother was cleaning out our family's home, I called dibs on it.

I had forgotten about it until I was digging through my HS stuff and I came across it again.

Sam is my game player.  Ever since I told him about it, he has begged me to get out the box and let him play it.
This rainy day just happened to be that day.

And we read fate cards like this:

If you know Branson, you know about some seriously serious traffic. LOL

Then to get out of the house, we headed to a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that I just stumbled upon once when Sam needed to pee. (I know.  The things we do as parents)

It is such an eclectic little place... and drinking coffee there just makes me smile.

T. also loved it.  Which added to the list of "Reasons why I like this guy..."

We then came home and T. fixed us dinner (Yep. That would make the list too...) and this just happened in my salad.

No, T. didn't plant it there... it just fell out of the bag like that, but it made me smile and solidified that this weekend was pretty great.

Who knew a nasty rainy weekend could be so glorious??

Listening to good advice

The reason I like hanging out with guys is that they give you a perspective that females just can't give.
Also, with guys most things are face value (girls... yeah, most of the time not, unfortunately.)
I have some great guy friends!

One of my guy friends J. recently told me that if a guy I dated didn't treat me as well as he treated me, then he wasn't worth my time.

I found that funny at the time... but it got me thinking.

I know that I haven't always had the greatest self-worth... and because of this, I allowed myself to be treated poorly.

I would never allow my friends to treat me poorly.  I tell them I don't need that type of drama... and yet, time after time, I allowed guys to treat me as such.

So... I decided to put myself back out into the dating world with this new mindset. "Would J. treat me this way?"

I have gone on two dates with a guy,  So far, he has proven himself to be up to that standard.  He keeps telling me that we will take it slow because I am special. (Yep, that's def. something J. would tell me ~ even though I tell him I don't always believe it)

I'm scared... because I would rather be single then to be treated poorly again. So, I'm baby stepping it.

Who defines what "league" you are in anyways??

For those of you that know me... and I mean really know me, know that I am still sometimes surprised when guys use the words "hot" and "sexy" to describe me.

I guess you could say, I grew up as the ugly duckling...
I was never ugly... but I viewed myself as the "sweet" girl.
... and guys don't normally go for that. (at least not in my mind)

What I didn't understand was that it had nothing to do with being sweet... it had to do with being shy, which in turn made it hard for guys to get to know me.

Since my divorce, I have forced myself to shove off that shyness.  Through years of observation (people watching), I know how to talk and interact with others... basically I never meet a stranger now.

The funny thing about being "confident" is that guys tell me things that when I was shy I would have never heard... And sometimes make it hard to believe they are actually talking about ME!

One of the guys that contacted me the previous weeks told me this:
him: Sometimes I think you're my one that got away..
me: Nope. Things happen for a reason.
him: U know I had crazy respect for u... kinda thought u were out of my league
me: what?!?
him: Yep, I did... hot and had it all together... little intimidating
me: I *so* don't have it all together
him: I really thought so... guess no one does
me: Nope. Really we're all just dorks perceiving others greater than us. LOL

And I really do believe that...
I mean who is it that defines these "leagues" anyways??
...Besides ourselves.
It is really a defining how we place ourselves in the scheme of things.

I guess I will try to remember that going forward in the dating world - another dork (like me) is just trying to find a league of their own.

Can someone turn off that light??

So... I've decided that either I am sending off some VERY strong pheromones ... or someone has turned a sign like this beaming above my head and I just don't know it...:

 

Because in the past 2 weeks, I have been contacted by four (yes, FOUR) guys I have dated previously.

Now... I'm not talking like the one I broke up with 6 months ago (Honestly, I am really surprised he hasn't been thrown into this weirdness...), I'm talking about a guy I dated 4 years ago, and three I went on dates with three years ago.

They are all just "checking in".

I'm no dumbie.

"Checking in" means 'I'm lonely.'

"Checking in" means 'Are you lonely too?'

"Checking in" means 'Maybe... even though it didn't work before, it can work now?'

The thing is... I'm good.

I'm so slap busy that I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I'm good... and I'm happy ... and I don't need a guy to keep me that way.

So... give me some strong soap to wash off those pheromones... Or maybe, could someone chuck a rock at that neon sign?... cause the light is keeping people up here.

I followed my heart... I hope it is leading me down the right path

There was the initial spark (that I need) when I met him.
Once he was there, there didn't seem to be a question as to whether or not he should be there.
It seemed right... until it didn't.

I can't pinpoint a time or day when it seemed wrong, but it did.
I struggled with myself.
I mean... he was a nice guy, treated my kids well, my friends and family liked him.  I also liked his family.
All the perfect portions to a good recipe, right?

But we didn't ever seem to be moving forward...we have stayed in the same place that we have been the last year and a half.
Him living at his house. Me living at mine.  Two families together, yet separate, all the time.
And I thought that eventually we would merge... somehow.

But it didn't happen.

Again, I fought with myself.
I told myself to give it time...That just because I couldn't see it in the cards, doesn't mean it isn't there.

But then, little things started to become bigger things... Unkind words were spoken.  He pointed out things that he didn't like about me... not about how I am, but about who I am.
I was caught off guard ... and hurt.

We talked about it, but inside I was unsettled.  I couldn't see how someone who cared so much about me would say such hurtful things.
So, I did what I always do.  I apologized.

I apologized and put on my happy face.
Putting on a happy face, only lasts so long when you can cut the tension with a knife.
He was obviously still not okay and neither was I.

So this weekend I walked away.
I know this may seem harsh or drastic... but trust me, it wasn't.
Our time together was no longer pleasant.  Anytime the hurtful words were brought up, only more hurtful words were spoken.
I told him that I was done fighting over little things.
I told him that I didn't want to be with someone who thought of me poorly -  like in the recent weeks that he had said he did.
I feel a little lost at times... I have gotten used to "checking in"... but I know that this is part of the journey... a VERY hard part.

When reality slaps you in the face

I was driving down the road with Ty in my new car and the gas light came on.
I casually mentioned that I would need to stop soon for gas.
His response?? "Let's see how far we can make it before it runs out."

A memory hit me so hard, I wasn't sure I could respond.
I shook my head no and whispered, "Been there, done that."

Ty (of course, not knowing) laughs and says, "So? who hasn't ran out of gas before?"

So I got to relive the time that I was stranded an hour from home and even though I was headed to see Spencer, he wouldn't come rescue me.

You see... I am a resourceful gal.  I am not beyond hiking on foot.  But I was an hour from home... on a road that didn't show a town for miles on my GPS... and it was snowing.
My GPS did show a gas station a mile away... but how was I to know if it was actually STILL there OR open.
I tried calling TripleA but they didn't have anyone in the area that serviced on the weekends.
Spencer told me that he needed to take a nap and he definitely  didn't need to be on the road an extra 2 hours to come save me when he had 6 hours of driving ahead of him.

Thankfully my brother, Tim, who was in town for Christmas came and brought me gas.

Ty just stared at me and said, "Are you serious? Someone wouldn't come help you?"

And that's when it hit me... that I had no self-worth in that relationship with Spencer.  I would never allow Ty to treat me that way (not that he would), but to have someone not help you and then to continue on to go and visit them like nothing was wrong.

It made me fight back the tears and thank God now value myself so much more and expect it from the man in my life as well.

To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life

I guess there is NO short road to death for me!!  ...and heaven knows, no one could accuse me of being idle lately.
My blog is obviously something that got put by the wayside.
I mean... seven posts in the month of January and February?? That's just down right pitiful, if you ask me.

There have been MANY a post that were written in my head that never made it to the keyboard.

They would have told you about frustrations of hoops that had to be jumped through that I don't believe are benefiting students of mine that need extra help.
They would have told you of proud moments... and sad ones... and ones that made me laugh out loud.

But I don't have the time... or the energy to produce those pieces that never got written down.  So just trust me.  The last few months have had it's ups and downs.

Let me just give you some of the highlights...

My cake decorating has taken off again.  I was asked to attach business cards to a coupon to have stuffed into bags for a local 5K.
No biggie, right??  Well... it is for a gal that didn't have business cards. (oops. - who KNEW I would need them?)
So, I ordered and they arrived one day before I was supposed to deliver them. (Thank the dear Lord!!)

Here are just a few cakes I have done lately...

A baby reveal cake

A baby shower cake

An air force going away party cake

Oh... and who could forget the 8 dozen of these beauties?

My children continue to make me the proudest Momma around ...Colby got selected for a Champion of Character award by my Alma mater.

and Sam got the Top Tiger award (character award) at his school.

You would think that them getting character awards every year would get old... but trust me, it doesn't!!  It reminds me that in this crazy world, I'm doing something right.  I thank the good Lord every day for well behaved children (and the resistance to not OVER correct when they do something that others would find minuscule.)

My friend, Kelly, got diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer in January. I know this is scary for anyone who gets news like this about their friends... but I just can't wrap my head around it.  She's too young  ...and too beautiful ...and, honestly, too healthy to have cancer.  I haven't seen her in person since her chemo has started.  I plan to do that this week. I told her I was going to come rub her beautiful bald head... and I will... because I know it will make her laugh... but as I do, I know I will be fighting back tears and be repeating silent prayers that my friend won't be taken from this world too soon.

Kel getting a round of chemo rocking her new short hair cut

If a friend with cancer isn't stressful enough, I have also applied for a new position in my school district. It is a district technology job.  I struggle internally daily.  I worry that I will miss the classroom and the kiddos.  I have basically been told that the job is mine... so why am I so nervous to count my chickens before they hatch?  Anytime any of my friends ask me about it, I downgrade myself and say that I'm not sure it will go my way.  Guess I don't want to get my hopes up in case the unexpectant happens??  I have the full support of my principal and everyone around me... and still I have a pit in my stomach.

In my classroom, my little RW has fallen of the behavior wagon AGAIN.  She has been naughty for everyone EXCEPT me. Which sounds great and all... except that it is for things that are getting her put into in-school suspension and out of my classroom.  Who knew I would want that child inside my classroom instead of out?

Ty and I continue to date.  The topic of marriage has not come up between us lately, but for some reason, it is on everyone else's  brain.  I filter questions about marriage almost daily.
It's exhausting really.  Because again, it is an area that I don't have answers to.  Sure, ideally, I would like to get married again, but then there is that self-reliant part of me that doesn't want to get hurt again and knows that keeping that little bit of distance is good for my own self preservation.

I continue to have AMAZING people be part of my life.  Ones the look out for me even when I don't have time to look out for myself.  I love that God sends people like that into your life.  I have a friend that called me up and asked what I had done for myself lately.  When I couldn't answer, they showed up the next day with a little gift for me... I shook my head and tried to tell them I couldn't accept it.  Of course, no was not an option.  I promised them that I would pay their kindness forward to someone else I saw not taking time for themselves... Funny how I already know I will do that, but wasn't willing to take the time to do it for me.

So there you have it.
MANY reasons I have't sat down to blog.
Also the same reasons I should be blogging.

Peering through life's window

The icy weather closed everything around me down... and I'm fine with that.
Being trapped in my house where I have to stay in my pajamas and wrapped in a blanket isn't a bad thing in my eyes.

In fact, I enjoy it.

Sure... I miss my boys, but I know that I do a disservice to them come snowing/icy wintery days.  I want nothing to do with that outside nastiness.

So, when I got my call this morning that school was cancelled, I was happy to curl back into my cozy bed all the time knowing that my boys would get to hang out outside with their dad.

What I hadn't factored into my snow day was Ty's kids... you see, my boys know how much their momma despises the cold, but Ty's kids had to learn it today.

They just couldn't understand how I wouldn't want to go sledding.
(I like to sled in fluffy white snow when the wind isn't blowing, not across sleet when pelts of ice continuously hit you in the face. - I know. I know... I'm spoiled like that.)

So I promised to watch them through the window.

I don't know why... but I feel like I'm watching my life a lot through a window lately.
I guess it is because of the uncertainty of many things in my life right now.

1 - I have been asked to apply for a district tech position - One that I could realistically get... and it makes me want to hyperventilate because I know it is a great opportunity and it's more money... but I'm afraid I will miss my kids. I mean, like, really miss them.

2 - My cake decorating business has the potential to explode. I've been asked to advertise and been throwing around the idea of selling on Etsy. I have 3 orders in the next 4 weeks.  This all sounds great... and it is... but I'm not sure I'm ready to be that busy.

3 - Ty and I relationship is going great... and I'm sure most of you would wonder "Why is that a problem?" It's not... but it is.  I'm afraid... afraid that it is going to blow up and that I just can't see it.  My sister-in-law, LeaAnn asked me the other day if I thought that he and I would get married some day.  I couldn't give her a definite answer.  One reason I couldn't is because Ty's dad came home from his California trip telling of how he ran into an old friend and they asked about Ty and I. Ty's dad responded to them, "They are great, but I doubt Ty will ever get married again."
I realize those are Ty's dad's words and not Ty's...and I realize that we haven't even been dating 6 months yet, but I guess LeaAnn's words resounded in my ears when she asked, "I don't think you two should rush things, but do you think he will ever want to get married? and, if not, are you okay with that?"

and I can't honestly say that I am...
...but in the same breath, I like spending my snow days alone curled in a blanket doing nothing.

Today he left without a kiss...

I know it is just something small...
but it was BIG to me.

We don't ever leave each other without kissing and saying good-bye.
I fretted all morning.

Finally I texted, "Are we okay??"
He immediately called.

He said he was sorry, that he didn't want to wake me, since he knew I didn't have to get up early today.
I told him to please always wake me for a kiss.

Tonight, as he was leaving, he said, "Always kiss her no matter what - even if it means you have to wake her... and Always feed her before she gets too hungry...  Okay. I'm learning.  Slowly... but I'm learning."

It made me smile.
This is what I have needed from someone all along... someone to know what I need without me telling them. 

the first of many?

I didn't ring in the new year at a big bash with lots of people.
Just he and I.

He brought me a glass of wine, kissed me on my lips, and held up his glass to cheers.
"Here's to the first of many!"

I smirked.
...because this is how I had always imagined it...
...being with the one I loved...
...knowing just being together was enough...
...and wishing to be together for many years to come.

It's a common misconception... one that I won't deny, I enjoy

Today, we went to take Carli (Ty's daughter) to get her ears pierced.
She had bounced around all morning long excited for the time to come.
When we arrived at the store, she excitedly picked out the pair she wanted.
She hugged me and then she hugged her dad and squealed.

And then it happened.
Her fears of what was to come overwhelmed her.
She sat in the chair tears streaming down her face, body shaking, saying, "I can't do this! I can't do this!"

Ty tried to get her to calm down, but she just cried harder and harder.
So I asked if I could try.
I sat down in front of her, held her hands, and we talked about happy things.
Then the clerk said, "It's okay. You can hold your mom's hands while we do this."
"She's not my mom, she's my dad's girlfriend." and she smiled.

Later, we went for Starbucks.
The woman behind the counter said to Cam (Ty's son), "Would you like your mom to hold this for you?"
Cam wasn't paying attention, so I just smiled and handed his drink to him.

Ty and I have a very loving relationship towards each other and each other's kids. It's not uncommon to see us loving and hugging them as parents should.  So, if the love others see makes us look more like a family, so be it.

It's a love/hate thing

I love that Ty loves me and takes care of me.
I love that he is so caring and sweet, yet rough and tumble with my boys.
I love that he checks in. (I need that)
I love that he does sweet little things that others might take for granted... but not me.

But I hate that he sometimes reminds me of Spencer.
...I hate that sometimes my brain can not think of his name and replaces Spencer's name in the void that is there.
I hate that my hurt heart doubts the time that passes... and wonders when he, too, will walk away leaving me blindsided.
I hate that I am up worrying about something that hasn't (nor may ever) come to fruition.

The change I was looking for

This weekend, my ex, R. and I rode together to Colby's, our son, basketball game.

Some might find this strange.
Others might find it commendable.

Whichever way you swing, it doesn't matter to me.  Or to R for that matter.
We are both glad to be in a place that things are great in our separate lives ...and in the life that still connects us.

We had a conversation though that made me mad and sad all in one.
I told him how it really hurt me that he didn't value me and our relationship back when we were together.
That he put baseball (and everything else for that matter) before me.
That I was SO happy for him and K. (his girlfriend) but I didn't understand why he didn't value our relationship like he did theirs.

He told me that he was sorry and that it was ALL him... that he has changed a lot over the years and has learned many things - one of those things being where relationships lie in his priorities.

I, being the sometimes self-deprecating person that I am, turned it back on myself.

Did he not value me because I didn't value me??

I have always been a positive person, but high on self esteem, I have not.
When relationships have failed and guys have treated me like sh*t, I have always viewed it as something I did or didn't do.
But maybe it wasn't the doing but the being that resulted in my treatment.

I have come to a place in my life where if you don't want to treat me well, I don't need you...whether it be friends, co-workers, or boyfriends.

I haven't been in this place long.
Less than a year, actually.

But in this year, I decided it was better to be happy alone than to be stressed together with someone.

And, strangely enough, like people always say - When you stop looking, you will find someone.
But I don't think it was so much in me not looking, as it was changing what I was looking for.

And so far, what I have found is happiness and a sense of self I have never had before.

Sugar and Spice and everything nice...and maybe a little glitter

Carli rushed at me and squealed.
A pitch that only a little girl could create.
Then she wrapped her whole self around me and squeezed.
My day was made!
I was hoping I would get to see her today.
It is her birthday.
...and Ty wasn't supposed to have her today... she was supposed to spend the day with her mom.
Plans changed.

When Ty told me, I got a little giddy-up to my step.
I can honestly say I love that girl.
She's not mine.
...and yes, I am just dating her dad.
But Carli and I have such a bond...
and I love it!

I baked her a cake. (duh.)
She wanted her dog Chocolate to be on it, so he was.

Then she wanted to do glitter tattoos. (something she got for her birthday.)
How could I say no??

I think I sport glittery stars quite well.
Yeah... I know you're jealous! ;)