Sunday, November 18, 2012

The change I was looking for

This weekend, my ex, R. and I rode together to Colby's, our son, basketball game.

Some might find this strange.
Others might find it commendable.

Whichever way you swing, it doesn't matter to me.  Or to R for that matter.
We are both glad to be in a place that things are great in our separate lives ...and in the life that still connects us.

We had a conversation though that made me mad and sad all in one.
I told him how it really hurt me that he didn't value me and our relationship back when we were together.
That he put baseball (and everything else for that matter) before me.
That I was SO happy for him and K. (his girlfriend) but I didn't understand why he didn't value our relationship like he did theirs.

He told me that he was sorry and that it was ALL him... that he has changed a lot over the years and has learned many things - one of those things being where relationships lie in his priorities.

I, being the sometimes self-deprecating person that I am, turned it back on myself.

Did he not value me because I didn't value me??

I have always been a positive person, but high on self esteem, I have not.
When relationships have failed and guys have treated me like sh*t, I have always viewed it as something I did or didn't do.
But maybe it wasn't the doing but the being that resulted in my treatment.

I have come to a place in my life where if you don't want to treat me well, I don't need you...whether it be friends, co-workers, or boyfriends.

I haven't been in this place long.
Less than a year, actually.

But in this year, I decided it was better to be happy alone than to be stressed together with someone.

And, strangely enough, like people always say - When you stop looking, you will find someone.
But I don't think it was so much in me not looking, as it was changing what I was looking for.

And so far, what I have found is happiness and a sense of self I have never had before.

2 comments:

  1. Well done you!

    Hope you're having a good week.

    X

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  2. I'm so glad you're in a better place, and that you were able to change what you were looking. That's such a great way of putting it. I also love that you and your ex are still able to be friendly and have civilized conversations. That's rare, and I'm sure so appreciated by your kids.

    ReplyDelete

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