Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I was showing my brother some of the Vlog posts at Life Laugh Latte and had him watch this one about Grandma stories.
He then reminded me about a story of our grandma...
I need to do a little prefacing.
We lived with our grandma from 1982 till she died in 1987.
We loved her SO much... but we also gave her SUCH a hard time.
The story that Nick reminded me of was this...
We had a dog.
We would put food or scraps in empty aluminum pie plates to take out to the dog.
One evening my brother opened a can of dog food, spread it out in a pie pan, and walked off (to get the dog's water dish) leaving it on the stove.
When Nick returned, there stood my grandma with fork in hand tasting the dog food.
"What are you doing!!??" Nick shouted.
"Trying do figure out what kind of pie this is... it tastes funny."
Yeah... it's gross, but that story makes us laugh every time!!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
"6" I responded.
She then brought me back a size 14.
Frustrated I told her, "No, I need a six."
So she brought me a shirt and then some fake fingernails.
The whole time I was in there with 2 little girls... one supposedly my daughter.
At one pint and time, the little girl who was my daughter was stark naked looking at herself in the mirror at all angles, judging herself.
I told her that she needed to get dressed.
The sales girl then brought me a bra.
She was like, "Just try it on, it's cute."
So I tried it on.
It took me from a size B to like a size E
I pulled a shirt over.
I looked enormous.
I asked the 2 girls what they thought of my gigantic boobs and they disapproved.
I then headed back into the dressing room where there were clothes strewn everywhere.
As I closed the dressing room door, a new sales girl (who was training a group) asked me if I needed a different size. Frustrated, I told her "NO!"
Then she turned to the group she was training and told them, "You must always be attentive to the customer's needs and get them the size they need."
I thought to myself, "Ha! She did a poor job of training the last one."
dressing rooms - suggest that you are trying to fit into some new situation or role.
If the clothes do not fit, then it implies a feeling of insecurities.
Jeans - indicate that you are trying hard to fit in with others.
Size- represents the importance or lack of importance that you attach to certain objects or persons. The larger something is, the more important it is.
Shirt - refers to your emotions or some emotional situation.
Fake nails - indicate that your defenses are up.
Children - You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture.
Others being naked - represents some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation.
Bra - To dream that you are wearing a bra, signifies support and protection.
Mirror - suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self.
What it all means...
So basically my dream means that I am trying to fit into a new role (being in a relationship) and I am having some insecurities about it. (duh!) It is of huge importance to me and emotionally my defenses are up. I am trying to satisfy some unfulfilled dreams. But I am scared about finding out the truth. So I am thinking about all of this and I feel like I need some support in working through all of this.
Yeah... that pretty much sums it up.
Weird how my inner psyche knows this.
"What are you having? "
"I don't know what are you having? ...Oh, well that sounds good. Sure, I'll have that as well."
"What movie do you want to see?"
"I'll let you pick this time."
"What do you want to do later?"
Yeah... I have gotten pretty good at covering for it.
I now ask the question to make the other person answer first... that way I know don't have to make the decision.
Unfortunately, my DMD doesn't just happen with small decisions in my life... it falls into the BIG ones as well.
Like my new car.
It took me almost 2 years to decide that it was actually time to buy a new car... and then after I decided to buy a new car... it took me another year to decide which car I wanted.
But once I decide... my mind is made up.
The decision is final.
There is no looking back.
There is no regret.
So here I am at a crossroad of dating...
I could jump in with both feet.
The Professor is head over heels for me.
But then B.P. has decided he wants in the ring too...
I know B.P.
...and he knows me.
It's a comfort thing.
But the Professor is playing the game well.
He is very attentive.
I need someone who is.
So... yeah... my DMD is kicking in big time.
For all of you that wondered where my normal freaking out is... well, it has finally decided to rear its ugly head.
I like the Professor, I really do.
B.P. knows all about him.
He told me that he will respect my relationship with him... but then he tells me in the same breath, "...there is so much potential for us. We already know we are good friends..."
So, I am ready... ready for my feet to warm up and make a decision.
I'm ready to be in that place where I know I did the right thing and don't have any fear of looking back.
...unfortunately my DMD has kicked in.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Yes... I was COMPLETELY surprised!
Embarrased as well... but in a good way.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
When this day started, I knew I had a lot of places to be and a lot of people to see.
I thought I had planned accordingly.
Anyone that knows anything should know that life does not go as planned!
However, this day was so fulfilling to me that I wouldn't have changed all the craziness for anything.
It started out with me heading to my friend, Angela's, for a lovely bruncheon she had prepared for a small group of her friends (myself and 3 other gals she teaches with). While I was there,
Angela gave me some dating advice that only someone who has been in my shoes could give...
and I needed that.
Then I headed for coffee and our annual ornament exchange with 3 of my best friends that I taught with 10 years ago. We started to get together shortly after several of us left the school district that we all taught at together... and we have gotten together once a month ever since. These girls know everything about me.... the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Three out of the four of us are divorced. But we have been there for each other through marriage, the birth of our kids, divorce, and the WHOLE gamut of emotions and stress that comes with it all...along with every day life. It is always stressful to try to work around everyone's schedule to find the "perfect" time to get together... but it is always worth it!
After that, I was trying to decide what to do next.... and that is when I got a text from B.P.
(For a little background... you can go here and here.)
He asked me if I had plans for the evening and, if not, would I like to go to dinner. That he would like to sit down and explain to me everything... especially why he hadn't been in contact with me.
...After he told me he would no longer be contacting me in October, I made for sure not to be the one contacting him.
Sure... I thought of him....I prayed for him.... BUT I did not contact him!
B.P. and I had one of those deeper than normal relationship/friendships.
I knew I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge....and vice-versa.
But because he wasn't ready... and because I didn't want to put my life on hold... I made sure I didn't contact him.
So when I got a text a week ago from him, I was happy, but still didn't put my life on hold.
Today, though, we he texted me he wanted to see me face-to-face to explain... I knew I had to make the time!
So... I headed up to see the new guy (the Professor). I had told him that I would drop by if I had time. He is headed home for the holidays Monday... so I wanted to see him before he left. Also, he knew I was going to be in town, so... long story short, I dropped by his place... we spent an hour being the complete and utter dorks that we are, and I headed on my way.
I, then, headed to see my aunt who just had surgery because of colon cancer. She looked great! It never ceases to amaze me how much she can talk. I say this out of love because I'm a talker. ... but my Aunt Janice can talk me out the door. I stayed for 2 hours and then decided she needed rest and would never get it with me there to talk to.
Then, I went to dinner with B.P. He explained everything. I'm not going to tell what he told me as he told me in confidence. Things that were fuzzy and didn't really make since before are now completely clear.
He is still clearly not ready to date, but he told me that when he is, he would want to date someone like me. I then told him I had gone on 2 dates with the Professor. He said he was happy for me... that he hopes good things happen for me. I told him that I would always be his friend... I think he knows I mean it.
I then came home and talked on the phone with the Professor for 2 hours.
Some of you might be upset by the fact that I went out and saw B.P.
Some of you might question if my intentions are pure with the Professor because I went to see B.P.
Some of you might just think I am down right crazy for fitting ALL of this into ONE Saturday.
...but despite what anyone thinks, I have had a awesome day with friends and family... and most importantly... I'm happy.
I'm happy to have friends that love me and give me great advice.
I'm happy to have life-long friends.
I'm happy to have skilled surgeons that keep my "talker" of an aunt alive and kickin'.
I'm happy to have "closure" and no longer have questions about B.P.
...and I'm happy to have a guy that likes me... that I actually like back.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Even though I knew I couldn't do a lot, I knew I could help.
I agree to take one little boy's name and get him some clothes while my friend agree to get him toys.
As we left church, I informed my boys what we were doing.
Colby looked at me and asked, "Mom, doesn't he believe in Santa?... because if so, Santa can bring him everything his parents can't."
My heart broke.
The harsh reality that I am happy my children don't know.
The harsh reality my mom never let my brothers and I know about, even though we were so poor.
So I replied with, "Wouldn't it make you sad if I could give you anything for Christmas? Wouldn't it make me sad? I don't want him or his parents to be sad."
Santa is a great fantasy when you know you can provide... but he is a slap in the face when you know you can't.
9. Because we followed the "red brick road", we got to see that their "stereo system" was really an 8-track player.
8. We analyzed the menu and found sexual connotations in it... I mean putting "Mom's Chili over Dad's Dog"? I mean...Really?
6. I showed him my "unexplainable" bruised elbows... and he didn't think I was that weird. (yeah... I really don't know how I bruised them both!)
5. Women in red and white striped pajamas
4. I got him to snort. (Yes, this is my own personal challenge!)
3. I got the Reuben... he ordered the WHAT??!!
2. Six hours seemed TOO short...
1. He told me today that he took down his profile off the dating website because he knows he doesn't have to look for anyone else.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I say that as if it has been forever ago since it happened...
ha. It was yesterday.
Yes, in my mind, that was forever ago.
The funny thing is I spent 6 hours with him.
What did you do??... you might ask.
Well... we went an ate at a little cafe that he picked out because it had the Christian fish symbol on their window.
He had seen it the last time he was in my town.
He had decided it was a place he would like to try out.
I think we were there for approx. 3 hours.
I'm not really sure though... lost track of time and didn't look at my watch.
After that, we headed down the block and ended up at Starbucks... where we spent another approx 3 hours.
We had planned of going to play putt putt golf.
That never occurred.
It didn't really bother either of us.
At 7:00, he had to go... he had students that needed to take a test.
I needed to go, I needed to get my boys.
It was obvious neither one of was ready... but we said our good-byes anyways.
After getting home, I wondered and waited.
Did it just go well in my head, or did he feel the same?
I finally broke down and texted him at 11pm to tell him good night and that I had a good time.
Shortly there after, I got a response.
"I can't stop smiling" it said. "Talk to you tomorrow."
Tonight when we talked he said he regretted that we hadn't kept the papers that we had scribbled on in the cafe or that we hadn't taken a picture together.
"Sentiments" he said.
That is something (looking back) that I would want.
If things work out... I will be sad that I won't have that.
But what is even more important... is he will be sad too.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
But we haven't wasted time in getting to know one another. We have been talking for a week and have already talked 20 hours on the phone. 20 hours!!
Funny how I have yet to meet this man... and yet I dream of him.
Last night I dreamed that he came to stay at my house, except it wasn't my current house, it was my "mom's house".
(I put this in parenthesis because my mom passed away in 1997. She also didn't have a boyfriend at the time.)
She and her current boyfriend were going out of town for the weekend and so we decided to stay there.
After the weekend was over, my mother asked me if I was going to see this one again, I replied with, "I don't know. Maybe. Why?"
"Because he left his boots."
Different houses are different frames of mind.
My mom represents wholeness to me... so going to stay at her house would represent me feeling whole again.
Someone forgetting their shoes suggests that you are leaving behind your inhibitions.
I know I am very fearful of meeting this guy.
Not fearful in the "I'm scared for my life" type of way, but the "I might actually like him and want him to stick around" kind of way.
The tightness in my chest represents the fear well.
Hopefully, that tightness will be gone soon... I'm ready to leave those inhibitions behind.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
It's funny because I had seen his profile, but I have made this new rule that on the dating websites, I'm not going to contact the men first. If they see me and are interested enough to contact me, then I will decided if I want to be interested back. No more chasing for me!
So... long story short, he emailed me.
Right off, I liked what I saw.
He's a professor. (I like me a smart man!)
He is my age. (I mean, you would think finding a guy in his mid-thirties really wouldn't be that hard... but it is!!)
He lives close by. (again... you wouldn't believe how hard this is!!)
After some emails, we decided to talk on the phone.
And, man, have we talked!!
The first time was for 40 minutes.
The next time was for 4 and a half hours. (Yes, I didn't type that wrong! 4 and a half!)
This last time 3 hours.
The weird thing is that we had so much in common!
...And there has yet to be a lull in the conversation.
*We were both raised the same denomination.
I used to say this didn't matter... as long as they were a Christian.
But, I guess I'm becoming set in my ways.
I like my church... My ways.
I don't want to change.
So the fact that he is the same denomination does make a difference.
*After our parents divorced and our moms were single moms, we both moved in with our grandmothers.
*We both love pickles... I mean loooove!
*We both like to analyze dreams.
I told him that I had a dream with him in it last night.
The dream was that he had come to spend the night at my house and I had made a palette on the floor for him beside my bed out of blankets. The next morning I woke up and all the blankets were folded and he had left without saying good--bye. I was hurt.
He told me what he thought it meant. ...
He told me he thought that it meant that I want to allow someone (him?) into my life but my ultimate fear is that they will leave and I will get hurt.
...That this person that doesn't "know" me, gets me.
Now... if this "attraction" can just last through the first date....
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I was disappointed...
Let me back up...
This guy was great in text.
For a week before our date, we emailed, IMed, and texted.
He was witty and knew how to banter - two things I love in a guy!
I was so excited for Saturday to roll around.
Then we met.
I waited for that witty guy to show up.
He didn't. Instead, I got an overly shy guy in his place.
When I would banter, he would turn bright red.
I couldn't get past that this was the same guy I had been texting.
When we went our separate ways, I got the witty guy back... in text.
Yeah... texting only does so much for me.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I have been saving for this car for the past 3 years.
I have looked and test drove and haggled.
Yet as I drove this new car off the lot, my eyes weld up with tears.
For I will be leaving a dear friend behind.
My red Chevy Cavalier.
My very first and only brand new car.
It was the showroom floor car.
It only had 26 miles on it when I drove it off the lot.
I bought it as a graduation present to myself. (of course it came with 5 years of payments... but they were my payments)
It (still to this day) has birdseed lodged in it from my wedding.
It brought both of my babies safely home from the hospital.
It was the only thing I could say was definitely mine before my divorce was final.
It served me well over the past 12 years and 207,000 miles.
I would be lying if I said that I didn't shed a tear and have a tightness in my chest as I drove away...for this new car:
... even though it is shiny and new, doesn't give me the comfort my old car did.
...sits in the spot my Cavalier once did and that is hard to get used to.
I would have never guessed on the day I finally got my new car, this is how I would feel.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
My mom had an uncanny way of finding the one family that had no place to go and making sure they were at our house.
After I got married, I was excited that we hosted Thanksgiving.
It allowed me to have the type of Thanksgiving I had always had.
For most people, Christmas or Halloween are their favorite holiday.
Nope...mine was Thanksgiving.
Last year I broke that tradition.
I left my boys with their dad and I went and spent it with Spencer and his family.
I remember feeling sad.
Sad for not being with all my family and friends.
Don't get me wrong, I was appreciative to Spencer's family, but it wasn't the same.
This year, I knew once again I wasn't hosting Thanksgiving, but I decided I wasn't going to allow it to take away from what I had always known and loved about this holiday.
The love and companionship of my family and friends.
So, the boys and I headed to my brother, Nick's house on Wednesday.
We had "Thanksgiving" that night.
Fix of family and loving on the babies - Check!
Then today we headed to my bestie, Laura's house.
Her family decided not to travel this holiday season.
They would have just had Thanksgiving the three of them.
So, the boys and I joined them.
We went and saw Tangled.
We shared in the dinner and the company.
Fix of friends - Check!
Then my cousin's wife had their baby, so we headed to the hospital.
Charlie is a beautiful baby boy with an awesome set of lungs.
Bringing Thanksgiving to someone who wouldn't have had it otherwise- Check!
After our weekend, I felt whole.
My house had not been filled with the love of my family and friends...
but my heart had.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
... or are given the chance to see that those problems that used to haunt you are finally part of your past.
I IMed with a new guy last night.
He is going through a lot of issues.
His ex cheated on him.
He is numb when he thinks of her.
I've been there... I've felt that numbness.
I did a lot of listening and giving of solid advice.
It was not my normal, run-of-the-mill inital conversation with a guy on a dating website.
But it was good for me.
It was good to see that I have made it.
I have made it through the hurt and tears and numbness.
...and I have come out on the other side a better, smarter individual.
I told him that I honestly didn't think he was ready to be out in the dating world,
(Just what a guy wants to hear, right?) but that if he wanted a friend, I could be that.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
This doesn't happen as often as it used to.
It makes me smile that it still does though.
As I lay there, just enjoying waking without an alarm clock, my boys decided that my bed was going to be their archaeological dig site. Sam was doing the digging. Colby was pretending to be the dinosaur bones under the
Sam started digging closer and closer to me.
Before I knew it, Sam grabbed my butt under the covers.
"I found a fossil!!!" he shouted. "It's a big, BIG fossil!"
Yeah... it's not that big! ;)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
This day that I can sigh because I can see that things are gonna work out.
Yeah... That day has come.
My class is FINALLY starting to come together.
Yeah. sure. It is November.
But we've made it.
I have students that come into my classroom quietly.
I have students that work without disrupting others.
I have students that finally raise their hand before blurting out.
So... let's hope they don't lose all their progress over Thanksgiving break.