Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sticking by your guns... even harder.
I broke up with Spencer 2 weeks ago.
It was hard to tell someone I love that we were done.
We agreed to be friends.
I hoped that would be possible.
He started calling just like he had called when we were dating ~ in the morning before work, after he got off work, before bed.
If you were an outsider looking in, you might have thought we were still together.
He started saying that he love me at the end of our conversations...I would say it back, because I do. Just because we broke up, doesn't mean I don't still have love in my heart for this man.
This weekend he came up because his daughter had a performance here in my town. I think he thought he would come up, I would see him, and all would be reconciled.
The problem is...him coming up to see me doesn't change the fact that he is 2 and half hours away... and he's not willing to move... and I'm not willing to move.
I had to stick to my guns because not doing so would make this being broken up thing even harder than it already is.
I had to stick to my guns because I want it ALL in a relationship!
I don't think we are going to be able to be friends.
It makes me sad.
We were good as friends.
I could say, "Too bad we ruined it with a relationship." but I won't... because I don't regret it.
Not one little bit.
“A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free”
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I have never enjoyed the dating scene.
I only dated one guy in HS.... I only went on a few dates in college before meeting, dating, and marrying R.
After my marriage ended, my friends all supported my 'getting back out there'.
I went on a LOT of horrible dates!
I wished for the perfect relationship.
For the majority of the past year, I thought I had that.
I have decided put myself back out there.
It hurts though.
I don't have the zest for it.
I don't have the desire to go seek someone new out with the possibility of it ending in heartbreak again.
I know this is a sign that I'm most likely not ready to be out there dating again.
But how do I move past this feeling of emptiness without going back out there?
Friday, February 19, 2010
"Good." she said and then paused and giggled.
"What?" I asked.
S: "Well... you know how we are singing 'Jimmy Cracked Corn'?"
S: "Well...today... Jimmy crapped corn."
Me: Let me guess...and you don't care?
S: "Nope what ever he needs to do to get it out of his system."
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The other day I was making my boys hot chocolate and I pulled some mugs out of my cupboard...
The three that I pulled down ALL had significant meaning to me.
The first one was my grandma's mug.
My brothers and I got it for her when we were young. We moved in with my grandma when I was 7, so my mom could help take care of her. We called her "GramCracker" and she let us... because it made us laugh. She would sit and sip hot tea out of this mug all the time. When my mom passed away, I claimed the mug as mine.
Yeah... McDonald's and then the batting cages. It wasn't the best date I have ever been on...but did get this cool mug! lol.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
plfff plfff plfff
I didn't want to turn around...I thought that would be too obvious. Plus I figured it would stop... but it didn't.
plfff plfff plfff
I was so glad that I had already boxed my left over pizza before all of this began.
plfff plfff plfff
I couldn't help myself. I finally turned to the side to watch the guy out of my peripheral.
Nail biting is such a bad habit...but spitting (in a restaurant) is ten times worse!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The case that I got subpoenaed to DIDN'T go to trial today...
I arrived promptly at 8:30 (the trial was supposed to be at 9am)
(*side note...I think lawyers work like doctors...they make appointments at times you are expected to be there, and then set you aside until they are ready for you...Wonder how that would work in my profession?? "Hey kids...I'm not quite ready to teach yet today...have a seat in the waiting room over there. Thanks." To all the wonderful doctors and lawyers out there, I kid...kinda.)
At 10:15, the 3 lawyers decided that they wanted to see me... just me. (Yeah... like that didn't make me more nervous than I already was!)
After about 40 minutes of questioning, they decided to basically "wait and see" how this student does under my watchful eye. Then in May, I will be put on the stand to testify what I have observed. (Freak out city!)
So... basically I'm not done.
Now onto something that made me smile today.
I got to pick my boys up from school today. (Something I rarely get to do since I teach at a different school than them.) Colby was telling me he had a new classmate. I was asking him different questions about her.
Me: "So what's she like?"
C: "I don't know. She just got here today."
Me: "Well...What's her name?"
C: "I don't remember."
Me: "Oh...okay...well...what does she look like?"
C: "What do you mean?"
Me: "What color is her hair?"
C: "Skin color."
Me: ????????????? "Yeah... Mom doesn't know what that means."
C: "Moooooom! You know what color skin is!!! You know a little brown, a little not."
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I broke up with Spencer on Friday.
Not because I don't love him.
Not because he doesn't love me.
But because we both don't see our roads converging into one place.
A place I want to be with the person I love.
My girlfriends (of course) had my back.
With many encouraging words, they did their best to cheer me up.
My ex-husband did the same.
(Yeah...we're weird like that...we still talk even though we will never be together again.)
He told me that things happen for a reason and not to just write this relationship off.
But those aren't the things that helped the ache in my heart.
Spencer came up to see me.
He came up and we decided that we could still be friends.
You see, I have had this man in my life for almost 2 years now.
We went out on a few dates.
Then we became friends...He, in fact, became my best friend.
So, last January when he suggested we give the dating a go again...I couldn't tell him no.
Who else would I rather date than a man I already knew I loved?
Yeah...Friday was a hard day for me... not only because I broke up with the man I love, but because I felt like I lost my best friend.
Today I had my best friend here.
Telling me that things would be okay.
Telling me that no matter what we would always be friends.
Yeah...today was good for my heart.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Tomorrow is a day that is made for romance and to spend with the one you love.
I won't have that.
There will be no romancing.
There will be no spending it with a true love.
There is me and the swirling in my brain
still trying to wrap around the fact that I am single again.
I am back to me, not we.
It was for the best.
We weren't headed the same direction.
I should have gotten off that road a long time ago.
But it is hard.
It is hard when you want it to be right.
When you think if you tried just a little bit harder it will change.
I was wrong.
Maybe... one day... I'll get it right
"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them better when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
~ Marilyn Monroe
Friday, February 12, 2010
~n. - Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; the state of being without feeling
it is easier to be this way
to feel hurt, or sad, or angry would change nothing
so I walk away with my head held high
instead of pulling myself along the gritty bottom of another crushing heartbreak
I will hold my head high
and not give into the emotions
numbness is my friend
I will embrace my friend
till I can see light again
The thing about real love is, if you lose it, you can also lose your ability to believe in it, and that hurts even more. ~Roger Ebert
But I forget sometimes...
I forget that I should be ecstatically happy that my children are happy (most of the time) and healthy.
I forget that there are parents out there dealing with unbelievable loss that would send me into a fetal postition never able to function again.
I just came across a website called Cora's Story.
Cora is a beautiful baby girl who died in her mother's arms because of an undetected heart defect.
Her mother is working towards preventing any other mother from ever having to suffer through what she has had to.
Please visit her website, share in her story, and be thankful for the healthy children in your lives.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
It's on a custody battle over one of my students.
I won't go into grand detail because I know too much detail could get me into serious trouble.
I will tell you, however, that several of my fellow teachers were freakin' out when the lawyer arrived to serve me.
amateurs! (Girls....you know I kid. :)
Anyways... they were freakin' out and after he left, M. asked me, "Aren't you worried? Scared?"
me: "What am I to be worried about? Why would I be scared? I have done nothing wrong."
M:"Yeah...but what if they ask you if the mom is a good parent?"
me:"That's my opinion. I'm not there to share my opinion. I'm there to state facts. If they ask my opinion, that's what I will tell them... that my opinion should not weigh on whether or not a parent keeps their child."
Honestly...I am a little nervous. Nervous over the fact that a child's future is at stake here... and I want what's best for him.
So...I have my documentation ready. Wish me luck - court is on Tuesday.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A normal family had a mom and a dad.
Mine had a mom, 3 brothers, and a grandma... and lots of aunts and uncles and cousins who lived near by. I knew I was loved...but we weren't by any means normal. Mine also included a dad who had a mental illness. A dad who had been abusive to my mom and we had to protect her from. A dad I didn't talk about to my friends.
A normal kid sometimes has dreams....some good, some bad.
I didn't dream as a kid. I slept so deeply my mom couldn't wake me up. I wet the bed almost nightly. I was finally broken of this habit because my mom bought this device that sensed moisture and a buzzer went off when it detected any. The first time I was awoken by this device the voices of my parents screaming was so loud in my head; I kept yelling, "Make it stop. Make it stop!" My mom thought I was talking about the device. She kept reassuring me that it was off. I refused to have it on my bed after that night. I never peed the bed again. To this day I am a very light sleeper....and I am completely fascinated with the dreams that I have.
A normal twenty-something spreads their wings and tries new things.
I was afraid. Afraid of everything. Especially being alone. My mom was killed in a car wreck. My fiance called off our engagement and moved out of our apartment. I did nothing but cry. Nothing could make my mom come back, but I worked and I worked until R. said our engagement was back on.
A normal marriage is full of love and hope and dreams.
Mine was crushed with infidelity. It has made me untrusting of every man. It has made me bitter, and mad, and jealous and even though I would LOVE to have a normal marriage some day...I'm not sure it is possible any more.
Now I am out there dating again. I wish I could say it was normal...but it's not.
It is long-distance... attempting to mesh two families... and sometimes I'm not sure where it is headed.
Sometimes I just wish for a normal life...but I'm not sure I know what normal is anymore.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Back in high school I was
privileged forced to drive a 1980 royal blue Ford Fairmont. We called it the "AirMon" as the F and the T had long since disappeared before I gained the car.
Now mind you... by the time I got the car it was well on it's 4th, or 5th, or 6th driver. It celebrated it's 12th even before I celebrated my 16th...that's NOT saying much when it comes to cars.
Any hoo... My AirMon had all kinds of "special" features to it like:
* The blinkers didn't blink, but the headlights did.
* The defrost fogged up the windows.
* It attracted birds of all species to impale themselves against it.
What???!! Oh. You want to know more about that last one?
Glad you ask.
See... No matter where I drove, I hit at least one bird weekly.
It became a joke amongst me and my friends.
Now. Now. Don't go calling PETA on me...I didn't go after the birds. No. No. They flew right into me.
Time (Thump.) after time (Thump.)...after time (Thump.)
I always felt bad...but it also kinda made me giggle.
So...Here I was driving down a back country road with one of my besties. We had the windows in the ol' AirMon rolled down and the radio turned up (basically the only thing that really did work in that car.) When suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see this whole flock of birds pick up out of a field and take to flight.
Without thinking, I said, "Thump. thump. thump.thump."
And before I realized what was happening my words were coming true right before my eyes.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump.Thump.Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.Thump.Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
So, you could understand my overwhelming sense of
mortification hilarity when I finally stopped the car and bird feathers were swirling around us.
My bestie was laughing so hard she could barely wheeze out, "How did you know *gasp* to say *gasp* thump thump thump *gasp* before they *gasp* thump thump thumped?"
Through my tears of laughter, I answered, "You know that's the sound they always make!"
I know it's morbid, but still to this day it makes me snicker.
My goal of taken a picture on a daily basis has not happened.
Here's what little I recorded of it this month.
Feb 3, 2010
Feb 2, 2010
Feb 1, 2010 (sunrise)