it hasn't been easy

People see how R and I act around each other and they say, "Wow. You guys make divorce look easy."
Most of the time, I just smile and say, "We're doing what's best for our boys."

However, it hasn't been easy.
The pain.
The hurt.
The crying.
The questions.
The guessing and second guessing.
The insecurity.
The feeling of worthlessness.
The stone face to prove that you are fine.
The pulling yourself up because up is the only direction you can go.
The belief that you will make it through.
The forgiveness.
It hasn't been easy.

So when a friend is wanting to divorce his wife and tells her, "It will be fine.  We will be fine.  Divorce is easy, just look at R. and Dawn."

It takes ALL of me to not shake him and tell him that it is ANYTHING but easy.

Can someone turn off that light??

So... I've decided that either I am sending off some VERY strong pheromones ... or someone has turned a sign like this beaming above my head and I just don't know it...:

 

Because in the past 2 weeks, I have been contacted by four (yes, FOUR) guys I have dated previously.

Now... I'm not talking like the one I broke up with 6 months ago (Honestly, I am really surprised he hasn't been thrown into this weirdness...), I'm talking about a guy I dated 4 years ago, and three I went on dates with three years ago.

They are all just "checking in".

I'm no dumbie.

"Checking in" means 'I'm lonely.'

"Checking in" means 'Are you lonely too?'

"Checking in" means 'Maybe... even though it didn't work before, it can work now?'

The thing is... I'm good.

I'm so slap busy that I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but I'm good... and I'm happy ... and I don't need a guy to keep me that way.

So... give me some strong soap to wash off those pheromones... Or maybe, could someone chuck a rock at that neon sign?... cause the light is keeping people up here.

A little OCD

I think back... in High school I could tell when my teacher had moved my desk even just a tile.
It threw me.

I hold on to things way past too long.
I never know if I might one day need them... there is a security in knowing I have them.

There are certain things that I have to have a certain way...
Even if someone else has done it ( and has done a fine job), I have to redo it.


But I never thought it went much further than my little quirks...
until today.

Today it was pointed out to me that because I don't adjust well to change, I can't move forward in a relationship.

Because I hold on to things too long, I haven't let go of things from my past relationships, which is preventing me from moving forward with a new relationship.

Because I have an image of how a relationship should be ...and so far none of them have been that "certain way", I can't moved forward because there are no do overs.

Yep.
Who knew breaking up with a guy would be such an eye opener?
and that he would be so open to opening my eyes...


“We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

FEAR - A dark room where negatives develop

I have realized that the reason I let DP go was because of the love I have for myself... or maybe I would be better in saying the LACK of love I have for myself.

You see... When a guy is nice to me, I automatically think, "What's he want?"
I knew DP.
I knew he didn't want anything from me... except love, friendship, companionship... the "right" things to want out of a relationship.
But see... the thing is... when he did nice things for me... I kept waiting for the ball to drop.  For him to figure out that I wasn't worth it.  Every time he would do something nice, I would point out a fault of mine.

Destructive?
Sure.

But I am used to destructive relationships.
I'm used to the guy telling me what's wrong with me.
I'm used to not being "good" enough.
I'm used to chasing... and chasing... and chasing... getting a temporary relationship... and then losing.

So with DP, I didn't chase.
Not once.
I was nonchalant about everything.
The few times I lost myself in the moment, I quickly reeled myself back in.
Reminding myself that things if I let go, things would go wrong... Things had gone wrong TOO many times for me...  I couldn't let things go wrong.
I began to tell myself that things between us weren't right.
It was easier that way.

It wasn't us though.
It was me.

I was fearful of losing it all.
So instead of taking the chance of losing it later, I threw it away.

I was at least honest to DP about that when I broke up..
I told him it wasn't him; it was me.
That he deserved better than me.
The sad thing is... I believe(d) it.

That was probably the most honest thing I have done in a while.
Now to start being honest with myself... to find that person that DP felt was worth loving... and start loving her.

He was the perfect guy... just not the perfect guy for me

I broke up with D.P. tonight.
It was harder to do than I thought.
I have been building myself up to have the courage to do it for a while now.


I thought it would be easy.
I've been divorced since July 2008.
The last major relationship I was in ended in Feb. 2010.
I'm used to being alone.

The thing is throughout this time with DP... I have gotten used to having someone there to listen to my thoughts.
To give advice to and get advice from.
To check in and say, "Hey! How was your day?"
To get it.

That's why it took so long.. for me to make my decision.
It was a selfish thing on my part.
I didn't want to give that up.
The attentiveness.


I talked with friends and family for advice.
Just be honest
is what kept ringing clear over and over and over again.

So I was.
I told him how great of a guy he was and how I want us to still be friends, but that it wasn't going to work out between us.
His happy-go-lucky well spoken voice went low and he stumbled over his words.
He said he appreciated my honesty.

I'm glad I did finally told him how I was feeling... so why do I feel like crap??

My son's perspective

I sat and watched The Bachelorette:After the Final Rose. (yes...DVR is my friend)
Colby sat in the kitchen eating lunch.


He says to me, "Mom, maybe one day you'll get to be on the Bachelorette."


Snickering, I say, "Why do you say that son?"
"So you will have someone to love you... and because..."

He motioned with his hand and patted his chest over his heart.
"What son?"


He patted his chest again.


"Tell me what you mean. I don't understand what you are meaning."


"I don't want your feelings to be hurt again. Spencer hurt your feelings...3 times. Other people have hurt your feelings. Maybe you could find someone who won't hurt your feelings."



I struggled to hold back the tears...
I told him how feelings are hurt sometimes, but that doesn't mean people don't still love.


Colby is a very sensitive boy. I just didn't realize how much my pain has come across to him... and how much he desires for me to have it different.

Silence is deafening

So I don't like to sit and wonder... and not knowing why I hadn't heard from the new guy was driving me crazy.

I thought about texting him a piece of my mind...
but then I thought, "What good would that do?? I still wouldn't have any answers."

So I texted him, "So can you tell me what happened?"

I felt like this was a non-pressuring question that didn't make me sound desperate.

He responded with "Nothing. Just super busy"

That didn't sit well with me... in this world of technology, it's not like you have to pull out a well of ink and then pony back a letter to communicate. A text to let someone you are thinking of them takes seconds.

So I said, "What does that mean?? You are too busy to have a relationship right now? Just be honest."

He responded with, "I don't think that's it. Just working a lot. I don't know."

Had he not ended it with 'I don't know', I might have felt bad for my brunt approach.

So I told him no one could figure it out for him and that it does just takes seconds to text... but I also told him thanks for the past month, that it was fun.

He responded with, "I had fun too. I really don't have the time you deserve."

His comment was sweet, I'll give him that.

Which doesn't surprise me any... he was a very sweet guy.

Which is why I am sad it is actually over.

But I am thankful for the closure... no longer sitting... being driven insane by the silence.



yeah... closure is good.

Nothing endures but change

Seasons change
The wind changes
You can have a change of address

...But the hardest is a change of heart



I thought things were going well.
He was into me.
I was trying to accept that.



About a week ago, I did.


Then things changed.


He stopped texting as much.
I attested it to him working from sun up to sun down in this heat.
I (once again) ignored that little voice inside me that said, "Something's not right."

Actually that's a lie.
I didn't ignore it.
I heard it and wished for it to go away and then I continued down the path of 'Everything's Great'.



Since our dinner the other night, I have texted him twice. He responded.
You may not think this is strange, but for the past 3 weeks he texted me every free second he got.
So to only hear from him twice in 3 days... and those 2 times only be in response to questions I asked, speaks volumes!!!

Yesterday morning I texted and asked him what he had planned for the day. He responded.
I said, "Oh. I was hoping to see you today. That is, unless, you don't want to see me??"



Nothing.
Nada.
Silence speaks volumes.



Guess it is time to change things up, huh?

Moving on...

He affects me... mentally, emotionally, physically.
He knows this.
He was an integral part of my life for 2 years... one of which we dated.



For whatever reason, he chose to come read my blog this morning.

He saw that I was moving on.
I don't know if that is what prompted his emails or not.
But he also decided to also text me... for 2 hours.



He said he wanted to win me back.

I've decided that I don't want a relationship with someone where there will be winners and losers... cause I seem to always come out on the losing end of that.



He said he had thought about buying a ring and coming to propose.

Again, I told him there was no reason. We weren't together and wouldn't be together.



He told me he loved me and that he that he wanted to get together for lunch sometime.

I told him that wouldn't make things easier for any of us. Healing is a process that no one else can do for you.



I have been sick to my stomach since that time. Not because I made the wrong decision, but because it was hard... and it was conflict ...and I hate conflict!



I made the right decision, I know.
Now to get rid of this heartache... and headache ...and stomachache and focus on the new possibilities!

Will someone PLEASE turn off that flashing neon sign!?

**Just realized this is my 300th post... Guess it should have been something special. Instead you just got the real me, along with my real confusions. Hope you enjoyed it either way! :)***


I want to know if there is some kind of alarm ...or siren ...or flashing sign that goes off when a gal is feeling just a little bit lonely???

`Cause here I am, knowing that the holiday weekend is coming up, and even though I have plans... they don't include my boys or a significant other.

To start off with, I hear from J.
He emails me on Match.
He says he just wants to say, "Hey."
Then he follows it up with "DON'T FREAK OUT!"

I didn't freak out.
He was a nice guy, just not the guy for me.
I told him good luck with his search.

Then yesterday morning, I open up FB and I have an email from Spencer (my ex boyfriend) asking me to spend the 4th with him at the lake.

We had fond memories at the lake. He knows that.

He told me I was the best thing he ever let get away.
He told me he had gotten a promotion at work.

All things were said to reel me back in.

I told him congratulations and that I have plans for the 4th.

I sat and stared at the send button for what seemed like hours.
I read and reread what I had written.
I wanted to make sure it wasn't rude, but at the same time it wasn't encouraging additional feedback.

He is someone that will always be part of who I am... I just don't plan on him being part of my future.

Then I also get an email from this guy ("Laser") that I went to HS with. We went on a date before Spencer and I started dating.
He tells me he is coming to town next week.
Right after Spencer and I broke up, he told me he had "unfinished business" with me.
It makes me giggle considering I never even kissed the guy.
I don't know if I will meet up with him or not.

I kinda feel like past ghosts are just coming back to haunt me... and all I want it to find a new decent guy...
Where's the flashing neon sign for that???

Rated DF (Drama-Free)

I sit in front of my computer with everything to say ...and nothing to say.

Last week, Spencer started texting me again.
He told me how much he still loved me (that there isn't a day that doesn't go my that he doesn't think about me), how I had become the standard by which he now judged the women he dates (and that none have come close), and if I arrived on his doorstep, he would be ready to marry me without a second thought.

Six months ago, those words would have worked.
I would have forgiven him and gone running back to his arms.

For the majority of the year that we dated, I waited longingly to hear words that involved marriage come off of his lips. Rarely did he grant me what I wanted to hear....and when he did talk about it it was with the word if. "If I ever get married again...."
He would tell me that he just wasn't sure he was the marrying type anymore.

Even with that strong desire to want to be with him... to be married to him... I didn't force the issue. I just relished in the time that we had together.

After I broke up with him, he made the comment "Now you can continue on with your pursuit for marriage."
Those words stung....because I didn't understand how he didn't realize that he was the one I wanted to pursue marriage with.

Now, with him texting me that he would marry me without a second thought, messes with my brain.
So, I put up my wall. My only shield from getting hurt again. The wall that is totally against who I normally am as a person. The wall that allows me to say heartless things like I don't care.

I tell him that his dream is just that, a dream, and that we will never be together again.

He then texts me that he is in a bad place and that he just needs me to text him.
I tell him I can't be that person for him.

I felt horrible for saying it.

I'm that person that needs to fix everyone and their problems.
He knows that. He was playing the cards that he thought for sure would illicit a positive, continuous response from me.

I'm trying to do what's right for me.

Getting sucked back into drama is not what's best for me.
Spencer was drama.
I didn't realize it when I was dating him because his drama kept me busy.
It kept me in that "fixing" role all the time, but in the end, I realized I couldn't fix the drama when he was the one purposefully causing it.

So... in attempting to do what's best for me... I am now rating myself drama-free.

The Blind Side

I didn't see it coming.
How could I?

When I finally ended things (for good) with Spencer months ago, I was done.
I didn't look back... I didn't wish for more.
I had finally learned that he was not who I was meant to be with.
I knew that door was finally closed for me.
It was a hard decision, but a right one nonetheless.

I didn't wake every morning with him on my mind.
I didn't go to bed dreaming of him.
Sure... certain things still reminded me of him... of the good times (and there were many) but he was not a constant thought in my mind.

I was happy to be at that point.

So... when he friended me on Facebook yesterday, I was (needless to say) caught off guard.
Emotions poured through me.
I knew immediately that couldn't happen.
I couldn't continue with my healing, my getting over him, if on a daily basis I could see what he was doing or who he was with.

But I couldn't just "ignore" him either.
That's not how I work.
Never has been... never will be.
I have to "talk it out".
So I texted him.
I asked him why he was friending me... and then I explained why I wouldn't be accepting.
He said he understood.

Now... to get back to the point where he is not a constant thought....

Do you?

Do you ever wonder about me... and how my day has been?

Do you ever open your phone wanting to call... just to close it again?

Do you ever think about my kids and their smiles upon their face?

Do you ever feel just a little out of place?

Do you ever reassure yourself that all of this was for the best...as you lie awake sleepless instead of getting rest?

Do you?

...I do.

day 7

It's been a week...It feels like a lifetime.
This weekend has been the hardest.
I know weekends will be hard for me for a while.
Weekends are when I got to see him.
I even texted him.
I got no response.
It is probably for the best...even though it hurt.

I want to move on...but the ache inside me keeps me from doing that.
My loss is greater than I could have imagined.
I loss my best friend.
The person I shared my every joy...my every sorrow.

I have such sorrow now...and no one to share it with.
My kids do something wonderful... and I have no one to share it with.

Don't get me wrong... I have wonderful girl friends, but they were not the ones I called to share my day with... to b*tch...to laugh.

No... It was him.

My youngest sweetly asks if he can give me a hug "So you will feel better Momma."
Who am I gonna share that with?

what I can't say on my own

You could be happy by Snow patrol

everything's not okay

I know I shouldn't miss him as much as I do...I didn't expect things to end badly between us ever.

He was a man I considered marrying and growing old with.

We had future plans made...or at least, in the works.

We had talked about riding up to Maine this summer and seeing the lighthouses...something I have on my bucket list.

I know it is something I will still do...someday.


It makes me sad.

Sad that that door has closed completely.

I had hoped it would remain ajar for at least a little while longer.

But I guess that was selfish of me...wanting the security of a friendship without the intimacy of a relationship.

I guess I need to realize that other people don't function like I do.

When I make my mind up, no matter how hard the decision, I can make everything be okay.

I thought everything would be okay.

Everything is not okay.

One less friend

Passionate people are VERY expressive... with EVERY emotion.

'nuff said.



"When love is not madness, it is not love." ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Breakin up is hard to do...

Okay....now that you have that song stuck in your head...I have to say, it is. It is so VERY hard to do.

Sticking by your guns... even harder.

I broke up with Spencer 2 weeks ago.

It was hard to tell someone I love that we were done.

We agreed to be friends.

I hoped that would be possible.

He started calling just like he had called when we were dating ~ in the morning before work, after he got off work, before bed.

If you were an outsider looking in, you might have thought we were still together.

We weren't.


He started saying that he love me at the end of our conversations...I would say it back, because I do. Just because we broke up, doesn't mean I don't still have love in my heart for this man.

This weekend he came up because his daughter had a performance here in my town. I think he thought he would come up, I would see him, and all would be reconciled.

The problem is...him coming up to see me doesn't change the fact that he is 2 and half hours away... and he's not willing to move... and I'm not willing to move.

I had to stick to my guns because not doing so would make this being broken up thing even harder than it already is.

I had to stick to my guns because I want it ALL in a relationship!

I don't think we are going to be able to be friends.
It makes me sad.
We were good as friends.
I could say, "Too bad we ruined it with a relationship." but I won't... because I don't regret it.
Not one little bit.


“A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free”
Nikos Kazantzakis

For the Love of Friendship

Today was good for my heart...

I broke up with Spencer on Friday.
Not because I don't love him.
Not because he doesn't love me.
But because we both don't see our roads converging into one place.
A place I want to be with the person I love.

My girlfriends (of course) had my back.
With many encouraging words, they did their best to cheer me up.

My ex-husband did the same.
(Yeah...we're weird like that...we still talk even though we will never be together again.)
He told me that things happen for a reason and not to just write this relationship off.

But those aren't the things that helped the ache in my heart.

Spencer came up to see me.
He came up and we decided that we could still be friends.

You see, I have had this man in my life for almost 2 years now.
We went out on a few dates.
Then we became friends...He, in fact, became my best friend.
So, last January when he suggested we give the dating a go again...I couldn't tell him no.
Who else would I rather date than a man I already knew I loved?

Yeah...Friday was a hard day for me... not only because I broke up with the man I love, but because I felt like I lost my best friend.

Today I had my best friend here.
Telling me that things would be okay.
Telling me that no matter what we would always be friends.
Yeah...today was good for my heart.

Everything happens for a reason

If you came here for a happy, lovie-dovie post about Valentine's Day, you have come to the wrong place. You won't get that from me... not today.


Tomorrow is a day that is made for romance and to spend with the one you love.
I won't have that.
There will be no romancing.
There will be no spending it with a true love.
There is me and the swirling in my brain
still trying to wrap around the fact that I am single again.
I am back to me, not we.
It was for the best.
We weren't headed the same direction.
I should have gotten off that road a long time ago.
But it is hard.
It is hard when you want it to be right.

When you think if you tried just a little bit harder it will change.

I was wrong.

Maybe... one day... I'll get it right

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them better when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together."
~ Marilyn Monroe