Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step to the summit.

My circle of friends who are divorced or going through a divorce continues to grow.
This truly saddens me.
I never imagined I would be part of this elite common group.

Because becoming part of this group is a struggle, I always try to aide anyone that I can with any advice I can give. I don't view my advice as perfect.  I don't view my advice as being for everyone. I just view it as... if I can help someone ease their way down this path... I want to.

One of my friends is currently going through these struggles.
One reaction to this stress is insomnia. They have slept about 2 hours in the last 48.
I explained to them that they need to try... try everything!... because living your life as a zombie... isn't living.
This is when they told me they felt like they aren't living life currently... that life is just passing them by.

I know this feeling!!
I have so been there.
It's a stage of this process that no one tells you that you have to go through.
When I was there, I didn't think I would ever get past it.

That's where I came in today...
I told my friend, "It does get better! Just wait... when you get to the 'Living Life' stage... you appreciate it so much more... because you survived THAT other stage."


Here's to surviving to the next stage...

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life

Do you know what disgusts me?
Cheating.
My ex did it to me.
Beforehand, I was so naive.

Now... I see it going on all around me.
I see the signs.
I hear the talk.
...and I want to shout, "Hello?? Don't you see what is happening??  Save your marriage!!  Or, at the very least, save yourself!!"


But you see... No one can make you step out of that situation.
No one can heal that pain for you.
You turn a blind eye... hoping... praying... that things will be okay.

I have a friend who found out that her husband was cheating on her.
She used to be so bubbly and full of life... ready for anything!
I used to know when I called her (no matter what we were doing) she would be in.
Now... she won't leave home unless her husband wants to join in also.
I know she is doing this to prevent him from having time alone... time to cheat.
It is killing her.
She is completely losing herself.
She looks exhausted all the time.

Yet, she won't leave him... not yet anyways.
I get that.
I have been there.
You have to hit rock bottom and then decide you deserve better for yourself.
But until then... no one will be able to get you there.

Being too absorbed

I am reading Eat Pray Love.

Yes... I am one of those people... the ones that like to read the book before watching the movie.
I'm not sure why though.
I mean, normally I'm disappointed by the movie after I have the book (which, I guess, is a good thing for the author) and I find myself comparing a lot!

But that is not why I'm posting tonight.
No... see... in this book there was a section that spoke to me so clearly it was as if the author knew how I was feeling and put it into words that I couldn't find on my own.

(I wish I could write the words exactly as she wrote them... she said them so perfectly! But I am a teacher and I try to teach my students how to avoid plagiarizing... so in turn I will try to summarize and tell you if you would like to read it in her words to turn to page 65 of her book.)

She spoke about how when she loved someone, she disappeared into them. That their thing was her thing. That she gave her all and then some. That she would give her men good qualities (even if they didn't have them) to make herself feel better. That their issues were her issues. How she was no longer herself... and when she had exhausted herself on one man the only way to recover from that exhaustion was to get excited over a new man. Which, in turn, starts the cycle over again.

Looking back, that has been me in my relationships. I wanted things to be perfect, so I projected all the good things that I "knew" would one day be there.
If he was into baseball, I was into baseball. If he was into motorcycles, I was into motorcycles.
(As a rebuttal, to myself more than anyone, I did grow to love these things on my own... but in the beginning they were not "my" passions.)

My passions were travel and photography and art.
Things that rarely (if ever) happened in my marriage.
Sure... we traveled to his family's house every year.
But I had to beg to have "unauthorized" stops... meaning ones that did not require gas or food.
And to travel out of the way to see something... PLEASE!!! It was like pulling teeth.

So it took me a while to re-find myself after 12 years of being "absorbed" by someone else's interests.

I'm still not fully there.

Spencer helped a little. He, too, like to travel. He re-sparked the travel bug in me.

But for the areas that he helped me "find" myself in, there were other areas that I "lost" myself into him. My ideas and opinions might have been heard, but were not valid. I was made to feel like the most incompetent mother around him. My ex has always told me how wonderful of a mother I am... and I couldn't understand the conflicting opinions... but because I was so "absorbed" into Spencer, I believed him. My children probably lost out on good parenting by me for at least 6 months because I felt like I didn't know how to do what I had always done... and done well.

Funny... That his and my relationship came down to me needing to choose between him or them. Silly man... didn't he realize that no matter how bad of a mom you make me feel, I will still choose them first?

So, here I am.
Actually not in a relationship.
Not being able to absorb into some man and his life and likes.
Left to find what's left of me.
So, someday, someone will see me and really see me.

Yesterday's News Post-It Note Tuesday

This is what I think about THAT!!!

So... my ex husband friend requested me on FB.
Yeah... that's NOT happening!!!!

It's bad enough that he follows my blog... and thinks he has a say so in what I do or say.
I mean we are divorced for a reason.

Sure... I think it is great that we are civil towards each other.
That's what is best for our boys.

But I don't care to share my latest and greatest with him.

He threatened to post as his FB status that I was dating one of his student's father and the ex-wife's son plays on our boys' ball team.

Sure... that's true . I'm not ashamed of it.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.

He's not married.
Big whoop that R. has his daughter in class!
Big whoop that a kid that plays on the boys' ball team has a momma who has an ex!
Big whoop that I have decided to date that momma's ex!

I am slowly learning that I have been with men that liked to control me, but I'm done.
Done being told what to do.
Done being told how & when to do things.
I'm living my life for me and for my boys
...and all those that feel otherwise can just kiss my a**!!!!!

Finding Freedom

So I have been cleaning my house.

I called R. (my ex) and ask him to come get the rest of his stuff (yes, he did move out 3 years ago!!) and I asked him to tell his parents to come get their stuff. (yes, they did put stuff in our house for us to "temporarily" store 5 years ago!)

R. said I was acting like a B**** for not helping to carry out the king size bed and frame.
I told him I was supervising.

Somehow, he made me feel like the bad guy for wanting my space to be my space!


I am getting rid of things that should have been thrown away a long time ago. (an album of wedding cards)

When R. saw it, he said, "Don't throw that away!"
Yet, he didn't want it. I mean why would he? It was from our marriage...that failed!

Still, he wants me to hold on to it??? For what? So our kids can be reminded when they are older that their mom and dad were once in a church and lots of people came and gave us cards. Yeah...I don't think so.



I also gave him some pictures of his... some of which were of him and his old girlfriends. He thumbed through them and said, "Yeah. Those can be pitched." That pissed me off! I mean we dated for 3 years. We were married for 9 years! and all those years he just had to keep those pictures... but now??? Oh, no! Now they can just be pitched!

Yeah... it's a GOOD thing that I'm finding freedom!!!!

Rough day

I had a rough day today...

Things didn't go as planned.

Instead of being able to leave immediately from school, we had to pull kids back off buses to duck and cover... until 4pm :(


And I was in charge of the middle schoolers... and their cell phones... and their attitudes when I ask them to put their cell phones away.


Finally, when all of the lovely cell phone carrying children were back on the buses to head home, I got a phone call saying the boys' ball game was cancelled... so I went to work on the closet that I will be sharing with a new teacher next year.

It didn't quite look like this: (but I felt like it did.)

So...once I was knee deep in piles of books and trash, R. (my ex) called to say the game was back on.
I couldn't just drop everything and leave. (because I was in an utter mess)

By the time I had things semi-decent, I was then running late to the boys' game.
I got there just in time to see both boys come up to bat and run the bases.

Then the dugout mom asked if I had remembered it was my turn to provide the snacks.
I hadn't.

So I left the game to make a quick run to Wal-Mart. Ha!
Wal-mart had too few lines open and too many customers.
I stood in line for 20 minutes.


I arrived back at the ball field only for the game to be over. No kids (besides my own)to eat the snacks I just bought and I missed the rest of the ballgame.

Needless to say, I was not happy. My ex got the brunt of my pissiness. He kept saying he was not in charge of the snack schedule (even though he is the coach).
I wasn't really mad at him, but at everything. He kept saying he was sorry.
(It didn't help that he asked the boys if they were ready to go home and swim and when I gave him a raised eyebrow, he told me they had gotten a pool.)

It wasn't right to take it out on him, but there is some sort of comfort knowing that there is someone out there that I can be pissed off at...and it isn't going to change how things are between us.
I just kinda wish it wasn't my ex.

As the world turns...

Two years ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me that R. (my ex) and I would be two civil human beings towards one another... especially when it came to emotionally supporting one another.

A year ago, I would have laughed in your face had you told me that I would say W's (my ex's girlfriend) name without having fire burn in my eyes and smoke come out my ears.

But time changes things.

Two months ago when I broke things off with Spencer, I was heartbroken. R. wasn't mean. He told me he was sorry. Sorry for all the pain he had put me through. Sorry for all the pain I was currently suffering. He let me immerse myself in our children.

I decided it was my turn to forgive.
I forgave him.
I forgave W.

I decided that it was time for me to accept that W. was going to be part of my boys' future and move on. I told R. it was fine if she wanted to join us at the boys' birthday party.

So, I was completely thrown for a loop tonight when W. called me crying to tell me her and Robbie were done. All I could say was I was sorry...I don't wish a break-up upon anyone.

My head is still swirling.
I don't know what to make of all of this.

Mental Block

As I was out at recess duty on Friday, I got a text from Spencer mentioning his boss and his boss's wife's name. Without thinking, I read it aloud to my co-worker/friend(M.).


Her jaw drops.

She stares at me.

"You are friends with her?" she asks dumbfounded.


"Yeah, on Facebook...so? She is Spencer's boss's wife. Why?" I ask.

"I just never thought you would be friends with HER!" M says.


"What?!! You don't even know her. She lives in Texas. What's the big deal?" I ask completely confused.


M. looks at me as if I have totally lost my mind. "Is that NOT the same name as the person R.(my ex) had an affair with?"


It takes me more than a few seconds to file through my brain for her name. It's not a name I pull up often. Yep. Same name.


Funny how our mind mentally blocks things that could potentially hurt us.


....Wishing now that observation was never brought to my attention.

Ughhhh!

It wasn't meant to be a fight.
I had no intentions of arguing.
I just wanted my concerns to be voiced...and heard.

My oldest has "bumps." They are similar to warts, but they aren't warts. We have to treat them nightly, in hopes that they won't spread (which they still currently do). We have been to a dermatologist and we have medicine to treat them with.

Recently one of these bumps has appeared on my son's penis. We checked with the doctor to make sure it was okay to treat it. It was.

I found out, last night, that my ex's girlfriend (W.) is the one who puts medicine on the bumps when the boys are with my ex.

Now, I have no problems with her putting medicine on my boys...but when it is on their private parts, I do.

Today, I voiced my concern to my ex(R.). He told me I was being ridiculous - that she would never touch our boys in a sexual nature. I told him I understood and that I wasn't accusing her of such, but that I did not feel comfortable with her applying medicine to our son's penis.

I suggested that she put a dab of medicine on C's finger finger and that he apply it. Again, he told me I was being ridiculous.

I reminded him that we have always taught the boys that NO one is allowed to touch their private areas and that we would be sending mixed messages if we wavered on this. He told me that she is like a mother figure to them, and that the boys view her as such, so there was no problem.

He said, "To prove it to you, we'll ask C." "C, who is okay to touch your penis like to put medicine or wash you?"

C - "You or Mom."

R - "What about W. or S.? (both of our significant others) Is it okay if they touch your penis to put medicine on or wash you?"

C - "Nope."

"See?" I said. "Even our 6 year old knows. It's common sense"

That was somehow me attacking his intelligence, and so he hung up on me.
I am SO frustrated I could just scream!

Wandering in Strange lands

I realized today is that I not only lost a husband in my divorce...but I lost his my family. Not having parents of my own to be there for me, my ex's family really picked up that slack and made me always feel welcomed and loved.

Now don't get me wrong, they haven't disowned me. They haven't given me the cold shoulder or turned their backs on me.

The problem is... I don't know my place anymore.

They are still very much involved with my children (as grandparents should be). I still see them at all sporting events. I'm just not part of their family anymore...but they were my family for almost 15 years.

Today really hit home when I stopped by my ex-in-laws to drop my boys off. They were all talking about my ex's brother (who I was close to) and his son coming to visit this next weekend. It shouldn't have mattered... but I felt like I was being left out of a family reunion.

It shouldn't have mattered...but it did...because I don't know my place anymore.

Am I coming across loud and clear??

I haven't figured it out yet... but lately when I call to talk to my boys (when they are with my ex), I get put on speaker phone.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't say anything that shouldn't be heard over the speaker...I mean I am talking to my 4 and 6 year old after all, but why?

Why does he need to listen to me ask questions about their day?
Why does he need to hear me tell them that I love them and miss them?
Why?

I know that he has to do the dialing.
I know that he has to be putting it on speaker.
So....why?

The high road not taken

Tonight I honestly dreaded... I wanted to be there for my boys, but knowing that my ex had talked to his girlfriend about letting me have my place made me feel sick.
I don't like confrontation, but as I get older, I have found that if someone confronts me with something I feel strongly about I turn into a bulldog... and I don't back down.

I arrived at the football field. My ex was already there with my boys. She was also already there. She was already in there helping out. She was wearing a t-shirt with the team's name on it and my boys' names on back.
The game hadn't started, (and I obviously wasn't needed) so I stayed back and talked to one of my friends(C.) whose son is also on the boys' team. She expressed how she didn't know how I felt, but if it were her in my shoes, she wouldn't be handling it very well.

When it was finally gametime, I headed to the edge of the field - right where I would be in the center of all the action, so there was NO way I could be replaced. She came up to me and said she would like to talk to me when I had the time and handed me a shirt. Sure, it was a nice gesture...and we might be rooting for the same players, but I am not going to show any kind of "team" unity here....just not going to do it! Her and I are NOT ever going to be unified!

Thankfully, C. chose to come sit by me and keep me company so She didn't feel the need to talk to me throughout the whole game.

After gametime, my ex asked me to come to his vehicle to get the boys' bookbags. When I arrived there, She came up and handed them to me. She told me that she was not trying to replace me and the we needed to have the two boys best interest at heart. I said that it sure did feel like she was trying to replace me. She kept going, repeating herself over and over (I think trying to convince us both). Then She said that I needed to accept the fact that she was there, that that wasn't going to change, that she wants to be here and be involved more than anything.

That was my breaking point...that is when the bulldog decided to join the fight...I told her, "Well, for as much as you want to be here...that's as much as I don't want you to be here."

I got in my car and closed the door. I felt like I was going to throw up.
I didn't ask for this interaction... all I wanted was to not be replaced.

The replacement

I used to love going to my boys' ball practices and games. I know that they have been playing since before they could walk and because of that they have that slight advantage over the other kids. I would beam as I stood out on the field cheering them on. Today was different. As I look out onto the field there is a perfect little family of four playing, laughing, having a good time. ...Why does that make me sad?


Because the only one missing is me. I have been replaced. My two children are there. The man who used to be my husband is there....and she is there - my ex's girlfriend. I am no longer the one who gets to help on the field when it comes to assisting with the boys, she is picked. I am no longer the one who goes along and gives the kids their refreshments for their drink breaks, she is. Today was the kicker though. My son got hurt and he ran to her....because she is on the field. She is right there, not me.


It makes me not want to be involved. It makes me want to fall into the shadows even more than I already am. It makes me not want to go to their games and practices...I mean, I'm not needed, she's there.


So I went to my ex after practice and I told him this. I told him I realize that he has moved on, but being replaced in the eyes of my children hurts...and I won't put myself through that kind of torture weekly.

He actually surprised me. He told me I could never be replaced... that I am their one and only mother and that he would talk to her and tell her that when it is times where all of us are present she needs to let me have my role as the mom.

So...I guess we'll see if I'm in or on the sidelines...first game is Thursday.

Coming to Terms

My ex called me today to thank me.
"For what?" I asked.

He had just heard on the radio about Jon Gosselin from 'Jon & Kate plus 8' called the cops on his ex, Kate, because she violated the terms of the visitation and came and saw their kids when it was his turn.

My ex said, "I know that I don't always agree with what you do and you don't always agree with what I do... but we don't make our children suffer because of our disagreements. I know things could be a lot worse between us...and I'm thankful that they aren't."

It's strange how you can love someone with your whole heart...and then hate then with your whole heart...and still be able to come to terms with them.

a reason for letting it go

I had a dream the other night that my ex's new girlfriend was at a party at "my" house (in my dream it was mine). She followed me inside for me to get her some fruit salad. I specifically picked the pieces of fruit out that I wanted her to have. I place the plate in front of her. As I came around the corner from the kitchen, she hopped up from the bar stool where she was sitting and threw her arms around me in a big hug. My arms were pinned to my sides...there was nothing I could do! As she hugged me, she said, "I knew we'd be friends one day."



Today (in real life) my ex's girlfriend brought me my boys. My ex had other things that he was doing and she was coming my direction. She has never been involved in the swap offs.

(This is mainly because of the strong hatred that I had for her...and I did not hide it from him(my ex). I have never had such hatred... when I saw her or heard her name, I saw red. This hatred spawned from knowing that the man who had once vowed to spend the rest of his life loving and taking care of me...told me he didn't love me any longer...and now had love for another. It angered me that he could move on...that our life together seemed like dust in the wind, ever present, but rarely seen.)

So... my ex's girlfriend was concerned (rightly so) when she was given this responsibility of bringing the boys to me.

When she helped them out of her car, she did it with care. She told them to be good. She told them that she would see them tomorrow.

I took their hands in mine...and turned.
...and then turned back and thanked her for bringing them to me.

For when my children think of me, I want them to think of me showing grace and respect... not a seething red faced monster.

...but I don't think there will be any hugging going on anytime soon.

The cock may crow, but it is the hen that lays the egg

I know that divorces aren't meant to be smooth. I just hate it sometimes that I have to communicate more with my ex now than we did when we were married.

He called me the other day and asked for our 2007 taxes , a copy of our divorce decree, and a copy of our quit claim deed. I laughed.

I laughed because all of those things he could have gotten from somewhere else, but I was the shortest distance between point A and point B.

I was kind, polite, whatever you want to call it and I got those things for him.

Then today I got some texts from him. He wanted me to go to my bank and produce copies of my new loan to prove that he was off the old loan. I told him that the quit claim deed did that - that he just needed to show that. He said that his name was still showing up on the loan. He told me to just do it because the house he is looking to buy is a rush job and he needs that documentation ASAP.

I thought to myself, "And this concerns me how???" He didn't hold my hand as I went about to refinance... and the reason he didn't is because... we aren't married any more!

So, I told him to contact our old mortgage company if he needed more proof that the old loan was paid off. In a sarcastic manner, he told me thanks for all my help.

The Straw that broke the Camel's back

I lost it today.
and...I had been having such a great day too!
I met up with my ex to give him insurance cards. We sat there and talked - talked like normal people, about normal stuff. No fighting. No yelling. Just talked.

Then he mentioned something that I wrote here on this blog. Now...I know my ex. He doesn't follow blogs. He doesn't Facebook or Myspace. And as I mentioned in a few posts back, someone is not minding their own business.
Well, today I gained new info from him. That this person has gone as far as to call him up to tell him my business, not once, but several times!
I am NOT stupid. I never have been. I considered password protecting my blog. I might still.
I just find it disheartening that I should have to .
Just know if it is you... you are showing how immature you are... and not only do I realize it, but my ex does too!

You know what's strange??

The boys and I are driving home together last night and out of the blue Sam says, "Mom, you know what's strange to me?"

me: "No, what's strange to you?"
Sam: "When dad (my ex) kisses Whit (his new girlfriend)."
me: "Why is that strange?"
Sam: "Cause it is."
me: "oh. ok."

I realize my kiddos are going to have to deal with a LOT of things that are strange because of the divorce... and I don't know how to prepare them for it. :(

Minding your own business

The other night, I was on the phone with my ex talking about stuff to do with our boys when he mentions, "So...why didn't you tell me you had a new boyfriend?"
me: "I don't"
him: "That's NOT what I hear!"
me: "Well, I don't know where you are getting your info, but it is not correct."
him: "Well, I know my info is correct. Maybe you should think about things before you post them on Facebook."
me: "Who do I need to delete? because I will!"
him: "I won't be revealing my sources."

Let me tell you~ I post things on the inter-net knowing that anyone in the world can read it, and I am fine with that. It is when you run to my ex with that knowledge, to tattle MY business, that is bothersome to me.