How we hide the hurt inside

My boys are gone for the week with their dad to Minnesota.
I miss them.

Most of my friends are gone for Christmas break.
I miss them.

I don't know if you would say that I'm depressed... but I'm definitely in a funk.

I went to deliver some clothes that Sam had grown out of to a friend of mine.

We talked (and cried) about how our divorces have changed us and the lives we once knew... how we never thought we would be spending holidays alone... how we might be spending the rest of our holidays alone.

Depressing, I know.

I don't normally let this hurt show.
I normally bury it deep within ...because no one wants to hear about your hurt.

But today, it is up on the surface and raw.
...because I'm taking down Christmas.
... because I'm feeling a little lonely and a little nostalgic.

So forgive me that I don't have a quick witted story to share today... it's just not in me.

The Biggest Loser

I have spent some of my Christmas break catching up on my DVR'd shows... one being The Biggest Loser.

I have learned a lot about myself while watching these.
Don't get me wrong...I don't have weight problem. I eat right. I try to work out.
What I have learned is that I don't think highly of myself.

I think I need a life coach.

I think I need a Bob Harper telling me to straighten my sh*t out... and making sure I do.
I need someone to make sure I'm not thinking of myself as the biggest loser...

Giving to others is my compensation for not giving to myself

I *love* to make other  people's days.
Anything I can do to make someone laugh or smile, I will.
If someone is down and out, I'm there.

What I'm figuring out about myself... is that I am more than willing to do that for others... but have a hard time doing it for me.

I have heard repeatedly throughout the years - "You have to love yourself first before you can allow someone else to love you."

I guess that is why I am at a standstill with my relationships.
I don't truly believe I deserve to be treated well.
Don't get me wrong, I know I should want it.
I get it that I deserve it.
It's just that...I just am ready to clock out when someone actually wants to be that person for me. I seriously want to hyperventilate when a guy is nice to me.

I don't admit this to others in my daily life.
People that know me in real life that are reading right now are probably saying, "What??!!"
I'm great with saying, "Things are good" and having a smile on my face... and I believe it.  To me, things are good when I know I can control all the situations around me.

I was telling a friend the other day that I hated being Santa to myself.
I do it for my boys... to keep the Spirit of Giving alive... but in all reality I hate giving myself presents where I have to fake being surprised and excited for something I already know is there.

Then my friend did something for me that truly caught me off guard and made me cry.
They told me that when I told them that... about having to be my own Santa, that isn't how it should be... that someone who shows their care for others should have someone who shows care for them... and so they bought and surprised me with a Christmas gift.

I truly have great friends!!

Seven

I had a dream last night that I went to a BIG company Christmas party where I was a guest. 
I met a man named Seven.  (He name was very significant in my dream)
He caught my eye, but even more so, I caught his.
We met in the buffet line and after returning to my seat I discussed him with my friends.  They told me that he and I would be a perfect match.

Later in the dream, he came and sat beside me and we got to know each other. I don't remember what we discussed, but I know it was in-depth.

In the end, he left with a car full of his drunk buddies and I was disappointed with not being able to spend more of my night with him.

As most of you know, I like to interpret my dreams.

Seven signifies mental perfection, healing, completion, music and attainment of high spirituality.

Ghost of Christmas Past meet Ghost of Christmas Future

Christmas has always been a special time for me... but it has also been a hard time for me.
My mom was killed in a car wreck on December 27, 1997 and because of that, it is so very important to me to spend Christmas with my boys.
Thankfully, I have an ex-husband who gets that.


You see... my Christmas morning consists of: My boys waking up, them waking me up, me calling their dad(my ex, R.) and his parents.  Then they all drive over. We watch the boys open presents. We make breakfast together and spend the morning together.  


It's just what we have always done.
It's what I hope we always do.


I'm not trying to hold onto what I used to have.
I'm trying to savor what I still have.


I still have two beautiful boys.
I still have ex in-laws that love and care about me very much.
I still have an ex that sees the importance of me having my boys on Christmas morning.


I'm also trying to prepare for the future.


You see... I spent the day with my ex's family, and my ex, and his girlfriend.
I already know this is how my future Christmases will be.
... and I'm okay with that.


Hopefully, one day, I will have a man by my side that is understanding of this crazy extended family that I call my own and know how much happiness that it brings me that everyone is as okay with it as I am.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be

I've done a lot of talking to friends lately about "how it was supposed to be".


My group of girl friends (that I have known for the past 12 years and have been getting together with for the past 9 1/2) sat at our Girls' Night Out and recounted how our lives did not turn out how we expected.


Almost ten years ago, when we first started getting together, two out of the four of us were newlyweds, one was still single, and one had a young family.  

Now three out of the four of us are divorced. 

Within that ten year span, we have experienced miscarriages, infertility, adoption, births of babies, infidelity, divorces, dating, children getting pregnant, getting married again, etc... the list seems to go on and on and on.

We have had talks of wedding planning, marriage advice, sex, having babies, breastfeeding, child rearing, men, cheating, the best divorce lawyers, which counselor to see, who we are dating, who we wished we were dating, the things we are looking for in a man, sex, sex, and more sex.

We have laughed and cried.

We have done more crying than we thought we ever would.

We have learned to make each other laugh when our lives seemed to be crumbling around us.

We have leaned on each other when we knew we couldn't be honest with anyone else for fear of judgement.

It's been a long rough road.

We decided that it was a good thing that our former selves didn't know what path lie ahead of them.

We knew that we may not have wanted to go on this journey had we known.

But we are glad that our friendship has endured through it all

I REALLY don't think I'm a hoarder

I'm being serious... I really don't think I am!

(First step: admitting you have a problem - FAIL)


You see... I don't hold onto everything... just things that I think MIGHT one day have good use.
I tend to keep clothes in my closet for years.


(Wait. Wait. let me explain.)


I tend have a style all my own... old things tend to show up into new outfits.

I also tend to save random things that seem they would have no use on their own, but show up later in
fantastical creations of my own.

(Yes. I did just use the word 'fantastical' )


For example:
Who knew that back in 2007 when Colby was Captain Hook

PLUS


My needing to be in a sterile 'bunny suit' for Colby's tonsil surgery in 2010

(Yeah... okay. I didn't have to wear the ears... but the nurses called it a "Bunny Suit" and I was trying to make Colby laugh even though he was in pain... It's what moms do.)

would lead to This Frosty outfit in 2011???

See???
Who said hoarding was a bad thing??

Holiday Photo Props make the World go round

So... I hosted my school's Christmas party.
It's something I do every year.
I love coming up with new things for us to do or try.

This year I came up with using Photo Props.

I mean, I love taking pics, and I have recently gotten back into making crafty things... so I figured why not?

I spend one of my insomniac nights (yes, I'm back to not sleeping again) creating these.

Who doesn't love a little Santa & Rudolf??

What can I say??  My friends and I are obsessed with mustaches. 

Then I gave instructions and let the fun happen.

Even Buddy the dog got involved

Oh Fu Man Chu, we love you!!

Yeah... we had a great time!!

Laughing 15 secs adds 2 days to your life span... guess I'm 2 days richer

I laughed so hard today!
The kind of laughter that just belts out of you.
Like you didn't know it was there... until it was.

A year ago, when I dated The Professor.
He professed his love for me after less than a month of meeting.
I told him, "Thank you."

It became a joke quickly thereafter... people always saying that they loved me just to make me feel uncomfortable and to get me to say "Thank you".
After a few months, the jeering stopped.

So, today, I was texting my cousin setting up plans for the weekend.
I texted, "Ok. Thank you."
In response, I got, "You don't have to say thank you.  It's not like I said I love you... :)"


...and that, my friends, is why I love my family.

It is far better to give than to receive!!!

I sent out a note on Monday letting parents know that instead of the normal $5 boy buys boy gift and girl buys girl gift, their child was to bring in 23 little items.

I knew my reasoning behind it.
Today I had to express why...  I guess I should have all along.

I had a parent write a note back telling me, "Thanks a LOT for the heads up on this!! Guess you thought I was made of money."


Ouch.
I mean, buying 23 little items... like pencils, or erasers, or candy... I had explained all that in my note... things that would equal less than $5 for the whole class.

I thought I was doing a good thing here... all the kids would get the same thing. Caring and sharing.

So I called the mom.
I learned of a lost job and a soon-to-be foreclosed home.
I heard a stressed out momma.

I told her that I didn't want to add any more to her plate... that I would make sure her daughter has something to pass out... for her not to worry about it.

"Okay???" I asked.
There was silence on the other end... and then sobbing.
I continued talking, reassuring while she regained herself.
"I don't want my daughter to feel less than the others because she doesn't bring something."


And here is where I shared what I have been teaching my students, but I forgot to share the concept with their parents...

We have been writing 'The Gift of Kind Words'...where every student writes something kind to every classmate.  I have been teaching the kids that things don't need to be expensive to be meaningful.  That is why they were to bring little items... just to share in the joy of giving, not to impress with big expensive items.

After I explained all of that, I told the mom, "So, please. Let me get your daughter's gift for you.  Let me keep from adding another burden to your load. Consider this my gift to you."


She never told me yes...
but she never told me no either.

Social Experiment #1

I didn't head out into the world today thinking to myself, "Let's see how the world reacts to this one." 
But that's exactly what happened.

You see...
A friend of mine (who is quite a bit older than I am - old enough to be my dad) asked me to come and help pick out a Christmas present for his wife.
I told him I would love to... just not to blame me when his wife didn't like it. LOL
He wanted to buy her a new sweater. (The main reason he wanted female input on his decision)


So, we started shopping...
I know the kinds of clothes his wife wears, but I really didn't want to be the ultimate decision maker.  So I would walk slightly behind him following his lead and then give my opinion when asked. He was the one picking up and looking at the clothing.  All I did was stand and hold conversation.
We were greeted in all the stores, but what I quickly began to realize was that all of the employees looked right past him and directly at me when giving their sales pitch.


That's when my social experiment began...
Every store thereafter, I would purposely place him in the middle of the sales person and myself.
I had to giggle when this one sales woman kept peering around him trying to make eye contact with me and I kept adjusting accordingly, while he stood there listening intently to her sales pitch the whole entire time.


I mean, sure.  We were in women's clothing stores.  So, it would only make sense that they talk to me.  
But in the same sense he was listening.
I don't know... it just made me laugh. 

The other thing that made me laugh was when we finally found a sweater, we went to the register to pay.  The sales clerk was a young bubbly 20 year old.


I know people.
They make assumptions.
I'm sure most of them assumed we were "together"... and young gal and her "sugar daddy".


So... when we went to check out, the sales clerk was being all bubbly nice to me while he paid.
Then... he asked for a gift receipt.

The smile fell off the clerk's face.
Her brows furrowed.
You could see her wheels turning.
She glanced up, saw me watching and quickly regained her composure and replied, "Oh. Okay. Sure." 


But you could still see her wheels turning.
I laughed with him afterwards as I recounted what had happened.  I attested my social experiment to being quiet as a kid and always watching people's reaction to situations... now that I'm no longer quiet, I want to test out my long ago theories.


Sooo... Who wants to be in my next social experiment??
You know you want to ;) 

Confessions of a closet hoarder - Post-it Note Tuesday

(Yeah... okay. I didn't have to wear the ears... but the nurses called it a "Bunny Suit" and I was trying to make Colby laugh even though he was in pain... It's what moms do.)

a little email from Santa to seal the deal

I'm normally really honest when it comes to my kids and questions that they ask.
Santa is my one vice.
I can't help it.
I just love the joy and excitement on my kids' faces.
I just love the sneaking around and getting ready for 'the big reveal'.

Sam is still in full fledged believing mode.
Colby, however, is wavering... not to the point that he will actually admit that he doesn't believe... because I have always said, "Santa doesn't bring gifts to those who don't believe."


What??!!
He doesn't.
I mean that statement could be justified as truth. *grinning*

So, yeah... I wanted to seal the deal.
The other day I created a PNP.

What's PNP?  You might ask?
Stands for 'Portable North Pole'.
It's a little video where Santa is the star... and he just happens to know you child's name, age, location... and what they want for Christmas.

So I created one for Sam... with all good intentions of creating one for Colby as well...
But the perfect opportunity arose today.
Sam came home and said that he had written a letter to Santa.
Without missing a beat, I said, "Really??  No wonder I got an email from Santa today for you."


Sam's eyes grew big.
Then he looked at me with a raised brow.
"What?" I asked. "Look. It says it's from Santa."
Sam couldn't deny it... It did say the sender's name was, in fact, Santa Claus.
Colby pushed his way through, "Let me see."


I clicked on the video.
I thought, for sure, Santa saying Sam's name would get him... but it didn't.  It was Santa "knowing" that he lived in Missouri.
"How does he know that??" Sam questioned.
"What do you mean? He comes here every Christmas... of course he knows you live in Missouri!!" I said with a twinkle in my eye.

But the part that got Colby was when Santa told Sam that he needed to try extra hard to make sure he got along with his brother.

Yeah... I don't think I need to make Colby's video now.
I think Santa did a find job of convincing with Sam's video.

Pushing the line

So... I went to the Christmas party that one of the baseball moms threw.
It was good.
I tried not to feel like the odd man out.
It was kinda odd because my ex's gf was also there.
I get along with K just fine... it was just weird.  K and I don't just hang out.

We talked the whole gamut of conversation... from talking about sex with our kids to breastfeeding to pushing the line.

W. (the hostess) said that she was a line pusher.  That if a line was drawn, she crossed it and then went a little further just to make sure everyone knew she has crossed it.

I told her that I used to be the person that asked, "Is that the line?" (pointed from a distance way far away from the line) and when the line was confirmed, I would take two steps back from the line just to ensure I didn't cross the line.

I lived a safe, boring life.... but it was my safe boring life and I was happy.
Or, at least, I thought I was happy.
There was no reason to push the line because I had everything I thought I ever wanted... a home, a husband, and family.

Thinking now... I think that might have been why my ex, R. cheated... because I wasn't a line pusher.
I was reliable.
I was stable.
But I was not unpredictable.
I was not a line pusher.

When I asked my ex why he did it, he said because he wanted the best of both worlds.
That never really made sense to me before.
But I get it now.
He wanted a line pusher, (helping someone cheat takes a line pusher) but he still wanted the stability at home.

My divorce changed me.
Now I stand right on the line.
If I'm nudged just enough, I will cross the line... but I'm definitely no longer scared of the line.

Funny thing is... my ex's gf K... she's not a line pusher either...

May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground...Carry on

I sat and wrote out my Christmas letter tonight.
I realized how awesome of a year this has been!
It's been crazy and fun... and hard...
But you know what??
I survived it all.
The good ...and the bad of it.

I've learned a lot about myself this year...what I want... what I need.
I've make mistakes...lots and LOTS of mistakes.
I've corrected mistakes.... and some I just had to walk away knowing I couldn't make them right.
I've learned to forgive myself.

I've recently been reminded of the importance of a smile, laughter, and kind words.
I don't want to forget it.

I think I have found my new theme song... It's called Carry On by Fun.

I think I see another concert in my future.

Get ready for a brain dumping... Or ...Man, I like a good segue!

I'm sure some of you might have thought that I had dropped off the face of the Earth.
I didn't.
I'm still here.
I have just had a lot going on since the Thanksgiving break.

On the day before Thanksgiving, the boys and I spent the night with Dale and Gail. (my best friend from HS parents) They are like surrogate parents to me.  They are grandparents to my boys.

See... I, as an adult, have never had parents.  My mom died when I was 22. My dad isn't present in my life. They are as close to one gets to having parents without having parents.  I had my in-laws as parents when I was married.  They still like to be involved, but it isn't the same. I knew I could call them for anything when I was married to their son.  Now I just feel like I am imposing.

Any-who, we had a wonderful time at Dale & Gail's. They spoiled the boys (and me).  They let the boys take over their computer and made us a HUGE breakfast.  I will never be able to repay them for all of the things they have done (and continue to do) for me.

On Thanksgiving Day, we headed to my brother Nick's house. Nick and LeaAnn have given the best thing a sister could ever ask for... they made me an aunt! Gracie melts my heart every time I see her.

She is getting to the age where she expresses what she wants and how she feels.  This time, when I went to leave, she started to cry and put her hands out for me. It broke my heart. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love my own boys, but she has found her own special place in my heart.

That evening, we then headed to my bestie's house to spend Thanksgiving with her and her hubby and her daughter.  They too are family to us.  We invited anybody from school that we knew didn't have family close by.  One of the people that was invited is this single guy that everyone at school thinks I should date. He and I have a flirty/friendly relationship.  We had a great time getting to know each other better outside of work.  I just don't know...

You see... I have already dated a friend's brother.  I think I might have lost a friendship over that.  Even though DP and I still occasionally talk, Rach and I haven't been.  I have sent her several texts.. and she responds, but it isn't like before when we talked several times in a week... when she would initiate at least part of the conversations.

So, I'm afraid to date someone from work... even though he is a nice guy... because if things don't work out between us, I don't want to lose even more friends because they feel like they have to pick sides.

I've already been through that.  After my divorce, I lost half my friends.  They were friends to the both of us and majority of them felt like they had to pick sides.  I'm thankful to the ones that valued both of our friendships enough to see past the couple and remember us as individuals.

I still struggle with that today.  My boys play LOTS of sports.  My ex coaches all of them.  Parents of teammates trust and rely on my ex's judgement.  They become very close to him.  Most don't know how to treat me.  The are friendly but they don't make the attempt to get to know me.  They don't know how to deal with the fact he and I are there supporting our boys, but I am not there with him.

I am thankful for some though... they are seeing past that.  Just yesterday, I had one of the other moms ask me to a Christmas party. She said, "I want us moms to get to know one another... no men allowed." Then she winked at me.  I think she sees the struggle I go through.

I guess the struggles I go through are internal though.

I struggle daily to define myself... to know the "real" me.

I have lived through the stage of my life where I was too afraid to do anything.  It was a sheltered life that I thought would be defined as "perfect"... it was far from perfect. I struggled internally because I could not let the world know my life was not perfect, so the world didn't know the real me.... Life is not perfect.

I have also lived through the stage where I threw caution to the wind.  I lived solely to have new experiences and to make sure I didn't live inside "that box" any more.  It was fun and adventurous, but I missed out on my boys.  I was too busy making sure my fun meter was satisfied.

I am now searching for balance... the "perfect" life FOR ME.  One that allows others to know the real me... my craziness, my sense of humor, style, and adventure.  One that will not make me ashamed of who I am, nor will let me forget others around me.  One that will include my boys.  One that will hopefully find love.

Yeah... I think that maybe I'm not ready for another guy... maybe I need to finish defining "me" before I make me an "us" again...

FEAR - A dark room where negatives develop

I have realized that the reason I let DP go was because of the love I have for myself... or maybe I would be better in saying the LACK of love I have for myself.

You see... When a guy is nice to me, I automatically think, "What's he want?"
I knew DP.
I knew he didn't want anything from me... except love, friendship, companionship... the "right" things to want out of a relationship.
But see... the thing is... when he did nice things for me... I kept waiting for the ball to drop.  For him to figure out that I wasn't worth it.  Every time he would do something nice, I would point out a fault of mine.

Destructive?
Sure.

But I am used to destructive relationships.
I'm used to the guy telling me what's wrong with me.
I'm used to not being "good" enough.
I'm used to chasing... and chasing... and chasing... getting a temporary relationship... and then losing.

So with DP, I didn't chase.
Not once.
I was nonchalant about everything.
The few times I lost myself in the moment, I quickly reeled myself back in.
Reminding myself that things if I let go, things would go wrong... Things had gone wrong TOO many times for me...  I couldn't let things go wrong.
I began to tell myself that things between us weren't right.
It was easier that way.

It wasn't us though.
It was me.

I was fearful of losing it all.
So instead of taking the chance of losing it later, I threw it away.

I was at least honest to DP about that when I broke up..
I told him it wasn't him; it was me.
That he deserved better than me.
The sad thing is... I believe(d) it.

That was probably the most honest thing I have done in a while.
Now to start being honest with myself... to find that person that DP felt was worth loving... and start loving her.

Things to be thankful for - Friday Confessional

I confess... that while everyone else in the school hates the 2 days before Thanksgiving, I love them!!  Every year I do a pilgrim simulation and I wish my kids would be that engaged all the time. (It's a lot of talking and a LOT of work... but it's worth it!)

I confess... when Colby came home on Monday and said he needed to be a pilgrim by tomorrow, I wasn't really happy...  But I am happy about how his outfit turned out.

I confess... that I'm excited that my brother and his wife are having a little boy because now they will have one of each...  But deep down I was hoping for another little girl. (Man... I love my niece!!)

I confess... it makes me a little sad when Sam asks "How soon are you gonna take us to dad's?" Just because his dad's house provides a dog, a fort, and video games.  My love and random fun can't compete.

I confess... that when I had a friend challenge me to grow my hair out at the end of the school year, I thought, Hey no biggie!" I mean I was cutting it about once every 3 weeks.  But it has taken a LOT longer to grow out than I thought!!  Here's some progression pics for ya from May to Nov:

I confess... I really want to put my tree up and be done with the mess but I know I should wait until the boys come back from their dad's.

I confess... being back out into the dating scene again (and not being in a relationship) sucks!  I forgot how much I don't care for meeting people who don't "know" me.

I confess... helping to counsel my brother through a fight with his new bride (this was their first holiday as a married couple) has taught me that maybe I do know a lot about relationships.

I confess... having a 2nd Thanksgiving with my bestie and people from school who didn't have anywhere else to go turned out better than I thought it would.

I'm NOT a Turkey project

My students finished their scary stories just in time for me to start a "I'm NOT a turkey!" project this year.  It was the first time I had done it and they turned out SOOO stinkin' cute!

We read the book A Plump and Perky Turkey.

Then I sent a blank template home with them and told them that they needed to dress their turkey up in a disguise so that it wouldn't get eaten for Thanksgiving.

Here's some of the ones my students brought back:

baseball player

Groucho Marx

Little Red Riding Hood

A farmer

A cheerleader

A cat

A king

Jewelry 

A lamb

A pile of leaves

A gypsy

Mario

A business man

A clown

A mermaid

Then I had them write speech bubbles like they were talking to the farmer explaining (persuading) the farmer as to why they were definitely  NOT a turkey!  If you would like the template or the letter I sent home, don't hesitate to email me! If I have time later, I will add by each what my students wrote.