Tuesday, November 29, 2011

FEAR - A dark room where negatives develop

I have realized that the reason I let DP go was because of the love I have for myself... or maybe I would be better in saying the LACK of love I have for myself.

You see... When a guy is nice to me, I automatically think, "What's he want?"
I knew DP.
I knew he didn't want anything from me... except love, friendship, companionship... the "right" things to want out of a relationship.
But see... the thing is... when he did nice things for me... I kept waiting for the ball to drop.  For him to figure out that I wasn't worth it.  Every time he would do something nice, I would point out a fault of mine.

Destructive?
Sure.

But I am used to destructive relationships.
I'm used to the guy telling me what's wrong with me.
I'm used to not being "good" enough.
I'm used to chasing... and chasing... and chasing... getting a temporary relationship... and then losing.

So with DP, I didn't chase.
Not once.
I was nonchalant about everything.
The few times I lost myself in the moment, I quickly reeled myself back in.
Reminding myself that things if I let go, things would go wrong... Things had gone wrong TOO many times for me...  I couldn't let things go wrong.
I began to tell myself that things between us weren't right.
It was easier that way.

It wasn't us though.
It was me.

I was fearful of losing it all.
So instead of taking the chance of losing it later, I threw it away.

I was at least honest to DP about that when I broke up..
I told him it wasn't him; it was me.
That he deserved better than me.
The sad thing is... I believe(d) it.

That was probably the most honest thing I have done in a while.
Now to start being honest with myself... to find that person that DP felt was worth loving... and start loving her.

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