my proverbial wall

I sat and watched my DVR'd taping of The Bachelor. (Yeah. yeah. I like reality TV... everyone has their faults)

The Bachelor was describing how he wasn't ready for love the first time he was one the show...
how he was so emotionally hurt that when he was in relationships he would only allow the other person in so far and then instead of getting hurt, he left.

I see that aspect of myself.

The Professor told me he loved me.
I said, "Thank you." in return.

...I told him I wasn't there yet... and I know the reason is all my past hurt.

In the past, I have put myself out there... I have giving it my all... I have loved with my whole being... and in return, I have been crushed by the men I would have given my all for.

After my divorce, I never thought I would love again!
In fact, I kind of laughed at being out in the dating world... a world I had not really known in my younger years.
Then I met Spencer.
To say the least, I was smitten.
I would have given him anything he asked ...and then some.
Friends of mine told me I lost myself in him ... and I had.
At the time, I couldn't see how that could/would be a bad thing.

But see, it becomes bad when it is only one person giving their all.... and being honest about it.

Which is why when The Professor professed his love for me... I told him exactly how I was feeling. I told him it freaked me out! I told him that I wasn't there.

All my friends tell me, "If that is the worst he does... is love you... than you have nothing to worry about."

But the problem isn't him loving me... the problem is me allowing myself to love again.
I mean, in the love category I am striking a BIG goose egg out of 2 = failed relationships.

and again, when others tell me, "Well he isn't those like those other two..."
I wonder to myself, but will he be???


“We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.”