So... I went to the Christmas party that one of the baseball moms threw.
It was good.
I tried not to feel like the odd man out.
It was kinda odd because my ex's gf was also there.
I get along with K just fine... it was just weird. K and I don't just hang out.
We talked the whole gamut of conversation... from talking about sex with our kids to breastfeeding to pushing the line.
W. (the hostess) said that she was a line pusher. That if a line was drawn, she crossed it and then went a little further just to make sure everyone knew she has crossed it.
I told her that I used to be the person that asked, "Is that the line?" (pointed from a distance way far away from the line) and when the line was confirmed, I would take two steps back from the line just to ensure I didn't cross the line.
I lived a safe, boring life.... but it was my safe boring life and I was happy.
Or, at least, I thought I was happy.
There was no reason to push the line because I had everything I thought I ever wanted... a home, a husband, and family.
Thinking now... I think that might have been why my ex, R. cheated... because I wasn't a line pusher.
I was reliable.
I was stable.
But I was not unpredictable.
I was not a line pusher.
When I asked my ex why he did it, he said because he wanted the best of both worlds.
That never really made sense to me before.
But I get it now.
He wanted a line pusher, (helping someone cheat takes a line pusher) but he still wanted the stability at home.
My divorce changed me.
Now I stand right on the line.
If I'm nudged just enough, I will cross the line... but I'm definitely no longer scared of the line.
Funny thing is... my ex's gf K... she's not a line pusher either...
The perpetual small sorrow of expat life
1 day ago