I'm sure some of you might have thought that I had dropped off the face of the Earth.
I'm still here.
I have just had a lot going on since the Thanksgiving break.
On the day before Thanksgiving, the boys and I spent the night with Dale and Gail. (my best friend from HS parents) They are like surrogate parents to me. They are grandparents to my boys.
See... I, as an adult, have never had parents. My mom died when I was 22. My dad isn't present in my life. They are as close to one gets to having parents without having parents. I had my in-laws as parents when I was married. They still like to be involved, but it isn't the same. I knew I could call them for anything when I was married to their son. Now I just feel like I am imposing.
Any-who, we had a wonderful time at Dale & Gail's. They spoiled the boys (and me). They let the boys take over their computer and made us a HUGE breakfast. I will never be able to repay them for all of the things they have done (and continue to do) for me.
On Thanksgiving Day, we headed to my brother Nick's house. Nick and LeaAnn have given the best thing a sister could ever ask for... they made me an aunt! Gracie melts my heart every time I see her.
She is getting to the age where she expresses what she wants and how she feels. This time, when I went to leave, she started to cry and put her hands out for me. It broke my heart. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love my own boys, but she has found her own special place in my heart.
That evening, we then headed to my bestie's house to spend Thanksgiving with her and her hubby and her daughter. They too are family to us. We invited anybody from school that we knew didn't have family close by. One of the people that was invited is this single guy that everyone at school thinks I should date. He and I have a flirty/friendly relationship. We had a great time getting to know each other better outside of work. I just don't know...
You see... I have already dated a friend's brother. I think I might have lost a friendship over that. Even though DP and I still occasionally talk, Rach and I haven't been. I have sent her several texts.. and she responds, but it isn't like before when we talked several times in a week... when she would initiate at least part of the conversations.
So, I'm afraid to date someone from work... even though he is a nice guy... because if things don't work out between us, I don't want to lose even more friends because they feel like they have to pick sides.
I've already been through that. After my divorce, I lost half my friends. They were friends to the both of us and majority of them felt like they had to pick sides. I'm thankful to the ones that valued both of our friendships enough to see past the couple and remember us as individuals.
I still struggle with that today. My boys play LOTS of sports. My ex coaches all of them. Parents of teammates trust and rely on my ex's judgement. They become very close to him. Most don't know how to treat me. The are friendly but they don't make the attempt to get to know me. They don't know how to deal with the fact he and I are there supporting our boys, but I am not there with him.
I am thankful for some though... they are seeing past that. Just yesterday, I had one of the other moms ask me to a Christmas party. She said, "I want us moms to get to know one another... no men allowed." Then she winked at me. I think she sees the struggle I go through.
I guess the struggles I go through are internal though.
I struggle daily to define myself... to know the "real" me.
I have lived through the stage of my life where I was too afraid to do anything. It was a sheltered life that I thought would be defined as "perfect"... it was far from perfect. I struggled internally because I could not let the world know my life was not perfect, so the world didn't know the real me.... Life is not perfect.
I have also lived through the stage where I threw caution to the wind. I lived solely to have new experiences and to make sure I didn't live inside "that box" any more. It was fun and adventurous, but I missed out on my boys. I was too busy making sure my fun meter was satisfied.
I am now searching for balance... the "perfect" life FOR ME. One that allows others to know the real me... my craziness, my sense of humor, style, and adventure. One that will not make me ashamed of who I am, nor will let me forget others around me. One that will include my boys. One that will hopefully find love.
Yeah... I think that maybe I'm not ready for another guy... maybe I need to finish defining "me" before I make me an "us" again...
Surfing Sunday 07.15
4 days ago