Looking in

Throughout the course of dating, I have learned more about myself than ever before. Having to describe myself to others.
Having to explain why I am like I am.
Never before have I stopped to think why.
I just was.

When I describe these revelations to my friends, they are like, "Well, yeah!" like "Duh, Dawn, we already knew that."
My friends seem to know me better than I know myself.
I tend to share.
I tend to listen.
But listening to myself has just never come to truision.
Because looking in... looking in is hard.

I went to dinner with B.P. last night.
It wasn't planned, it just happened.
My Friday night date had fallen through.
My busy Saturday was busy... until it wasn't.

B.P. asked me where I would like to go for dinner.  I looked at him, laughed, and said, "You KNOW I have a decision making disorder!"

At dinner, I laughed at myself as I described how I tend to eavesdrop into other people's conversations. (following eavesdropping on a conversation)
He then asked me why I thought that was.
"Ha! I don't know."
But he didn't take that as an answer.
So, being forced to look inward, I did.

As a kid, I was quiet. (I know people never believe that now!)
Being quiet ensured I wouldn't reveal thngs. (my dad abusing my mom, having a father with a mental disorder, having divorced parents)
Because I was quiet, I did a lot of sitting and listening to other people's conversations.
Evesdropping, if you will.

And because of my quietness, I was never really asked my opinion.
Another look inward.
Not being asked, meant I didn't have to form an opinion.
So, in turn, I don't make decisions.

Now I guess the question is... how do I take this new found realizations and make me a better me?

“Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life- and it was you. It is not too late to find that person again."~Robert Brault

It MUST run in the Family

You want to know what makes me laugh?
I have been dealing with my oppositional defiant student all year, and he wears me completely thin.
He has made my blood boil.
He has made he an insomniac.
He has made me walk away from my class every day questioning if I can actually come back tomorrow.

I have a meeting with his grandma.

She says that she doesn't care what her cousin says...

 

She likes me ...She knows how much I care about her grandson, even if I didn't get along with her cousin.

I have no idea who her cousin is...

So, I state, "Should I know your cousin?"

"Oh! you know her!!" the grandma says nodding her head at me.

Then she drops the bomb.

Her cousin is the mom of the student that I went to court over last year.

Seriously.

This can't be "Luck of the Draw."

But despite what she was saying about her cousin... what I heard was that she liked me... and that her grandson liked me.  I'm hoping I don't have many more of their family members "like" me(or not)...

The last 2 years have been rough.

Able to leap buildings in a single bound? well... maybe not, but I can get a classroom FULL of noisy kids quiet in 5 seconds

Life in my classroom is FINALLY starting to feel normal.
Sad that it had to take till February to feel this way.
It has been a week since my little "darling" got suspended.

Up until now, I felt helpless.
Abandoned.

I had this horrible acting kid who made all my other kids act horrible and I was basically told to "work my magic" that I was good for those kids.

The thing is... when I went (at my wits' end) and expressed that I was in over my head with this one... all I got was "Well, that's how these type of kids are.  You can't always do what you have always done."

But now... I finally feel like I have been given my powers back.

Now ANY time he disrespects me in ANY way, I am to have him leave my classroom.

I feel like I'm superman and the kryptonite is no longer holding me back from saving the world.

Okay. Okay. I admit... I may not be "saving the world", but I do feel like I can actually get back to what I do best... teach.

I mean, had I wanted to be in law enforcement I would gone the whole way and had a car with flashing lights... or maybe a red cape.

Guilty as charged

Remember my A+ student's accusation of me?

Well... I guess you could say I'm guilty.  Except she was a little off on her numbers, when I thought I didn't have any guys, I now  have 3 interested.

Feast or famine, I say.
Went on a date on Saturday, might have another this weekend. The third we are just at the talking stage.
Problem is... I might like more than one of them...

I realize that this is what the dating stage is all about... but I don't like it.
I call it the limbo stage.
Where I don't know the guys well enough to know whether or not I want to invest more time into them.
Really... I'm a one at a time kind of gal.
So, when I am presented with more than one guy at a time, I get overwhelmed.
I don't want to get it wrong.
I have gotten it wrong too many times.

I wish dating was easy...
...guess I'm not so much like those girls...

Do I know you??

Have you ever met someone that you had an instant connection to?
Like you knew them?
Like you left off a conversation with them, you just couldn't remember it, so you had to have the conversation over again?... a refresher course, if you will.

Yeah... that is how my date went on Saturday.
We talked until 2 am.
Yep, just talked.
Needless to say, I was giddy afterward.

By Sunday afternoon though, I was second guessing everything.
What if he isn't all that?
I mean... he told me the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The bad and the ugly were not equal to my moral standards...  They were from his past BUT they are still a part of who he is.
I am not one to judge other people... that is NOT my place, but I do have to question any and all info that is given to me and mull it over for a while.

So even though we had an instant connection... I'm not sure that can reassure myself to move past these questions.

Friday Confessional

I confess...
I found myself smiling during a lesson yesterday... and realized that that hasn't happened in a long time.
My rough "class" this year has made it that I am doing well to just get through the lessons.  I don't have time for the fun things I normally do... I don't have time to smile.
I miss having time to smile.

I confess...
that having my oppositional defiant student making my principal feel threatened made my week.
Not because she was scared or because I want anyone to feel threatened.... but because she finally sees what I am dealing with on a daily basis.
That and I got 2 days of reprieve while he is on suspension. (hence the reason of my 1st confession)

I confess...
that I sometimes see the worst, but hope for the best.
One of my friends who is out on the dating scene had to leave dinner several times tonight because she felt nauseous. I think she might be pregnant. Here's hoping that it is just the flu.

I confess...
My ex, R. has a new girlfriend ...and I like her!
I really like her!
I sat next to her at my boys' basketball game Thursday night... I actually scooted over so she could have a spot.
I can tell she is a great mom, which means she is a good influence on my boys.
BUT I can tell she isn't trying to take my place...
and that makes me feel better about her.

 I confess...
that I make jokes about things that should make me crazy, or sad, or upset.
My dad sent me a blank Valentine's day card.
I told everyone that he said his feelings perfectly.

It may not be roses...

But I couldn't have asked for a better Valentine's day present!

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step

After another unsuccessful date on Friday, my bestie came over. I shared my realization with her...

I date guys that are unavailable (physically - i.e. location or emotionally) or I date guys that I am not really interested in.

Why??? you might ask.

Well... because I don't want to get hurt. (no new news there)

So, in turn, I date guys that:
1) don't live near by (because how could we have a successful relationship long distance... TRUST me! I speak from experience on this one.)
2) aren't emotionally ready to have a committed relationship (because then I get flirted with but don't have to worry about anything more)
3) I'm not really interested in (because when I want to move on, I have "valid" reasons to do so)

Problem is... I really do want a healthy relationship.

I really do want a best friend and a lover in a husband.
I just have lost the path to get there.

A year ago... Valentine's Day weekend, I broke up with the guy I thought I was going to grow old with.

A year ago... I gained enough strength and self-worth to see that our relationship was not healthy and I shouldn't be begging the man I loved to come spend the weekend with me.

A year ago... I started to become the person I am today.

But Today...I've decided... I am no longer going to seek out love...I'm going to allow love to seek out me.

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be." ~Charles Jones

Was this included in the price of the ticket?

As my eyes adjusted to the dim lights of the movie theater, I noticed that besides us there was only one elderly couple.

We quietly sit down in the row in front of them. We had 20 minutes until the movie started.

Before sitting, I could hear the woman's voice, but had not been paying attention to what she said.  I couldn't imagine that she would be saying anything of importance considering her voice had no inflection to it whatsoever. But now, that we were sitting, my ears tuned into her monotone voice.    She was holding a Kindle and reading.  "Her. hand. slid. down. his. chest. Oh. my. she. said. swooning."

I clinched my teeth resisted the urge to belt out in laughter.

Her husband elbowed her.  "Maybe you should stop reading."
"Why?" She snapped,"...you wanted me to read this to you!"
Sheepishly he responded, "Yeah... but they may not want you to."

My date piped up, "Eh. We don't care.  Maybe something interesting will happen."

So she continued... for the next 15 minutes ...in complete monotone.
I continued to do my best to hold my laughter in.

As others slowly filed in, her husband elbowed her again, this time saying, "Your movie is starting. I'm headed over to True Grit.  I can't  stand to watch this lovie dovie crap."

(Maybe he should have thought of how "masculine" that sounded before he requested to hear a Harlequin romance novel read aloud to him in the movie theater.)

Since when am I THAT girl?

I have an A+ student(high schooler) come help in my classroom every afternoon.

When she began at the beginning of the year, she barely talked and acted nonchalant about everything I asked her to do.

I'm not stupid.

I know that in order to get a student to do something for you (and be happy about it) you must create a rapport with them (no matter their age.) So I asked about her world and I shared mine. She would tell about her dates... and I would tell about mine.

Today, when she arrived, I sent her to start a project that involved her writing my students' names on hearts. I got busy with my class.

All of a sudden, she was beside me, "So... what's the name of your new boy?"

Taken back, I said, "What? Which one? How do you know about that? ...I haven't even talked about the new guy I'm talking to."

Shaking her head, she said, "Your new student?"

"Oh." I chuckle. I tell her his name, but I sense some attitude as she walks away.


So I follow her and ask her "What's wrong?"

"You remind me of someone I hate...You're one of those girls!"


I must have looked shocked because she continued, "You're one of those girls that always has a date or a new guy... even when you don't think you have a new guy, you have two."

I laughed and explained that I only dated one guy before I dated and married my ex.

With her head bobble-heading from side to side, she replied, "It doesn't matter... You're still one of those girls now!"

She's right... in the 6 months that she has known me... I have been on a lot of dates.

I have another new one on Friday.
So I guess my question is... is being that girl a bad thing?

Snow DAZE !!!

In the past two weeks, we have been in school three days.

Thankfully, my boys make it worthwhile.

Things that made me happy this week...

A little "penguin sledding"

A little snowman building

A few games inside





Rushing to get out into the wilderness





Finding a little abandoned shed



hiking down to the creek bed






being amazed at what we found



The beauty of what God has given us

Feet dragging...Not wanting to go home

Yeah... Spending time off with my boys is full of !!!

Intentional Happiness... What makes you

I think being inside is messing with their brains - Post-it Note Tuesday

Solitude is often the best society... for cleaning

I have been stuck at home by myself since the blizzard hit.

BY MYSELF!!!!

(Thankfully, I'm getting the boys back today!)

Things that I would never normally consider doing on a day off have gotten done.
EVERY stitch of laundry complete ~ Check.
Adding on weight Baking something new each and everyday ~ Check.
Rewashing dishes AGAIN after previously stated baking ~ Check.
Scrubbing bathtubs and floors ~ Check.
Cleaning out the boys old and outgrown toys ~ Check.
Cleaning out the boys closets ~ Check.
Organizing bookshelves ~ Check.
Throwing out things I have been saving "Just in case" ~ Check.

Needless to say, I have kept myself BUSY!!
(I don't sit idle well)

Unfortunately the one thing looming in front of me I have not touched... my bag of ungraded papers.
There's supposed to snow again Monday, right?