Sunday, February 27, 2011

Looking in

Throughout the course of dating, I have learned more about myself than ever before. Having to describe myself to others.
Having to explain why I am like I am.
Never before have I stopped to think why.
I just was.

When I describe these revelations to my friends, they are like, "Well, yeah!" like "Duh, Dawn, we already knew that."
My friends seem to know me better than I know myself.
I tend to share.
I tend to listen.
But listening to myself has just never come to truision.
Because looking in... looking in is hard.

I went to dinner with B.P. last night.
It wasn't planned, it just happened.
My Friday night date had fallen through.
My busy Saturday was busy... until it wasn't.

B.P. asked me where I would like to go for dinner.  I looked at him, laughed, and said, "You KNOW I have a decision making disorder!"

At dinner, I laughed at myself as I described how I tend to eavesdrop into other people's conversations. (following eavesdropping on a conversation)
He then asked me why I thought that was.
"Ha! I don't know."
But he didn't take that as an answer.
So, being forced to look inward, I did.

As a kid, I was quiet. (I know people never believe that now!)
Being quiet ensured I wouldn't reveal thngs. (my dad abusing my mom, having a father with a mental disorder, having divorced parents)
Because I was quiet, I did a lot of sitting and listening to other people's conversations.
Evesdropping, if you will.

And because of my quietness, I was never really asked my opinion.
Another look inward.
Not being asked, meant I didn't have to form an opinion.
So, in turn, I don't make decisions.

Now I guess the question is... how do I take this new found realizations and make me a better me?

“Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life- and it was you. It is not too late to find that person again."~Robert Brault

3 comments:

  1. Hi Dawn,

    Looking inward is hard, especially if what you see isn't that great or is hard to reconcile yourself with.

    I was a quiet child too but for slightly different reasons (I was the baby).

    Why do you feel like you need to change in order to be better than you are, might I suggest that you are already a pretty perfect version of yourself already??? Flaws, imperfections, good heart, sympathetic listner, good sense of humour...they are all part and parcel of you.

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  2. Dawn,

    I'm so sorry this morning's comment was a very clumsy attempt at saying I don't think that you need to change - I think you're great!

    Again apologies for my backwardness!;-) I've left a permanent memo that I am not to under any circumstances leave comments for people unless I've had a cup of coffee and engaged my brain;0)

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  3. Natasha,

    No offense was taken :) and I appreciate the reminder that people think highly of me... I think that everyone needs that reminder every once in a while. Your insight and feedback is ALWAYS appreciated. :)

    Dawn

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