Thursday, June 14, 2012

If he were gone, would you miss him?

I don't have a relationship with my dad.
He was physically abusive to my mom.
He was mentally ill.
On meds, he was fine... but he refused to take his meds.
I wrote him off many years ago.

He has always sent random things to me in the mail.
A receipt
A photocopy of a bill
A book jacket.

I didn't get it.
In fact, when I was young, it royally pissed me off.
I couldn't understand why he couldn't just pick up a pen and write me a note like a normal dad would.

Two days ago, I got and envelope with a flyer in it telling about a stroke clinic at the hospital near his home.
I rolled my eyes and threw the envelope and the flyer away.

Today my younger brother called me... he told me that he had spoken with our aunt (my dad's sister) and that my dad wasn't doing well.  She wouldn't go into detail.  My brother also got the stroke flyer.  He thinks our dad had a stroke and this was his way of telling us.

Who knew I was supposed to crack the code?
What things have I missed over the years because I didn't know this was some Sherlock Holmes mystery that I had to solve??

Father's Day is pushing upon us... my brother says he is going to try to make a trip to see our dad.
I sigh.
He is several states away.
If I ran into him on the street, I wouldn't know him from any other joe.
But deep down, I know he is still my dad... and I'm not sure I would be okay with myself if I let him just "pass on." I'm too empathetic for that.
But, I just don't know if I have it in me to watch someone struggle for their life and then grieve... for someone I truly don't know.

3 comments:

  1. Hi lovely,

    I'm drinking coffee & replying to your post...what time is it were you are...probably ridiculous o'clock...

    This is a tough one & I know precisely where you're coming from because I'm - more or less - in the same boat. I've often asked me myself that if I got the call to say my dad was in hospital and not doing well....would I go. Usually what happens is I become angry and tell myself 'you don't miss what you've never had' which is a crock. But, on the flip side of that I'm not big enough to have ever forgiven him and so I guess I will continue to punish him by cutting him out of my life until the last day he draws breath.

    Hugs and chinked coffee mugs x

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  2. Yes, Natasha, with you being 6 hours ahead... I think that I was probably dreaming of better times. I hate that we have this in common. :( But it is probably the reason why we understand each other so well. I hope you have a beautiful Monday and enjoy your morning coffee, I'm headed to bed :)

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  3. Wishing I could say something that would make it better. I'm with Robbie though (JUST THIS ONCE) - I know you will make the right decision.

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