Tuesday, February 28, 2012

It's the ones you aren't looking for that get you

My ex, R. knows me.
He knows how to push my buttons.
The thing is... lately.. he has been pushing buttons of mine I don't think he knew existed.
Like the "We get along and everything is great" button.
You'd think that was a good button, but you see... I wasn't the one who was the demise of our marriage, he was... and so when he is too nice to me, I slip.
Don't get me wrong... I don't slip in the sense that I want to be back with him, but I slip in the fact that my mind goes to that place that never was and never will be...
What our life would have been like if things had worked out... the perfect little family that I always wanted.
It's a twisted thought, I know... because I don't want to be back with R, I just want that "perfect family."
But when R. pushes that "We get along and everything is great" button, my only defense is to push away and be mean... because in my eyes things aren't always great.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Dawn,

    You poor thing, that sounds awful for - justified - but awful for you. What's the time difference between us, I think we should have synchronised coffee drinking and maybe muffin eating....have had a bad week too.

    Do you think it's a defence mechanism as much as it is a lashing out at R to hurt him the way he hurt you?

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  2. I know it is absolutely that :( and I don't want to be that person.

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