Saturday, May 14, 2011

Scared to move on

The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness, also keep out the joy.

My boys decided to spend the night at their grandparent's house last night.
I headed over to my friend, Rachel's house. 
It has been a while since we have caught up with one another.

She has been going through a divorce that has taken forever!! (over 2 years... but in divorce terms, that is forever!!)
She has started to date a guy who is sweet as pie to her.

We swap stories.
I tell her how I'm being flooded with guys right now.
She tells me that she is jealous of the exciting life I lead.
I just had to laugh!
I mean, I would give anything to find that 'one' versus dating... and dating ...and dating some more.

But I am starting to realize that it is me... I am not allowing myself to be open to a relationship.
I like the friendship.
I like the banter.
I like the attention.
But as soon as a guy, attempts to move into that next step of possibly being serious in a relationship with me, I cut it off.

I haven't always been this way.
I used to be the hopeless romantic.
The one who saw the positive in every relationship.
The one who knew relationships would prevail through the good times and the bad.

But I have been in the bad.

I have been in the 'head over heels', everything is rose-colored, nothing can ever go wrong relationship mode. 
But it went wrong. 
SO very wrong. 
And I hurt...I mourned... because I lost what I thought was so very right.

Despite the fact that I love the happy times, I can't get past that with the good also comes the bad.
So, now, instead of waiting for the bad to happen, I end it with the guy before it can.

I know this realization should help me... but it doesn't.
Because I don't know how to get rid of this fear and move on to the next step... to know that every guy out there, isn't like the last two that I committed myself to... yet, they weren't committed.

So any advice for a gal who is just too scared to move on?

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had magic words for you but I guess I can just say I understand you.

    ReplyDelete

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