The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness, also keep out the joy.
My boys decided to spend the night at their grandparent's house last night.
I headed over to my friend, Rachel's house.
It has been a while since we have caught up with one another.
She has been going through a divorce that has taken forever!! (over 2 years... but in divorce terms, that is forever!!)
She has started to date a guy who is sweet as pie to her.
We swap stories.
I tell her how I'm being flooded with guys right now.
She tells me that she is jealous of the exciting life I lead.
I just had to laugh!
I mean, I would give anything to find that 'one' versus dating... and dating ...and dating some more.
But I am starting to realize that it is me... I am not allowing myself to be open to a relationship.
I like the friendship.
I like the banter.
I like the attention.
But as soon as a guy, attempts to move into that next step of possibly being serious in a relationship with me, I cut it off.
I haven't always been this way.
I used to be the hopeless romantic.
The one who saw the positive in every relationship.
The one who knew relationships would prevail through the good times and the bad.
But I have been in the bad.
I have been in the 'head over heels', everything is rose-colored, nothing can ever go wrong relationship mode.
But it went wrong.
SO very wrong.
And I hurt...I mourned... because I lost what I thought was so very right.
Despite the fact that I love the happy times, I can't get past that with the good also comes the bad.
So, now, instead of waiting for the bad to happen, I end it with the guy before it can.
I know this realization should help me... but it doesn't.
Because I don't know how to get rid of this fear and move on to the next step... to know that every guy out there, isn't like the last two that I committed myself to... yet, they weren't committed.
So any advice for a gal who is just too scared to move on?
Surfing Sunday 08.20
5 hours ago