I used to love going to my boys' ball practices and games. I know that they have been playing since before they could walk and because of that they have that slight advantage over the other kids. I would beam as I stood out on the field cheering them on. Today was different. As I look out onto the field there is a perfect little family of four playing, laughing, having a good time. ...Why does that make me sad?
Because the only one missing is me. I have been replaced. My two children are there. The man who used to be my husband is there....and she is there - my ex's girlfriend. I am no longer the one who gets to help on the field when it comes to assisting with the boys, she is picked. I am no longer the one who goes along and gives the kids their refreshments for their drink breaks, she is. Today was the kicker though. My son got hurt and he ran to her....because she is on the field. She is right there, not me.
It makes me not want to be involved. It makes me want to fall into the shadows even more than I already am. It makes me not want to go to their games and practices...I mean, I'm not needed, she's there.
So I went to my ex after practice and I told him this. I told him I realize that he has moved on, but being replaced in the eyes of my children hurts...and I won't put myself through that kind of torture weekly.
He actually surprised me. He told me I could never be replaced... that I am their one and only mother and that he would talk to her and tell her that when it is times where all of us are present she needs to let me have my role as the mom.
So...I guess we'll see if I'm in or on the sidelines...first game is Thursday.
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