I sit in front of my computer with everything to say ...and nothing to say.
Last week, Spencer started texting me again.
He told me how much he still loved me (that there isn't a day that doesn't go my that he doesn't think about me), how I had become the standard by which he now judged the women he dates (and that none have come close), and if I arrived on his doorstep, he would be ready to marry me without a second thought.
Six months ago, those words would have worked.
I would have forgiven him and gone running back to his arms.
For the majority of the year that we dated, I waited longingly to hear words that involved marriage come off of his lips. Rarely did he grant me what I wanted to hear....and when he did talk about it it was with the word if. "If I ever get married again...."
He would tell me that he just wasn't sure he was the marrying type anymore.
Even with that strong desire to want to be with him... to be married to him... I didn't force the issue. I just relished in the time that we had together.
After I broke up with him, he made the comment "Now you can continue on with your pursuit for marriage."
Those words stung....because I didn't understand how he didn't realize that he was the one I wanted to pursue marriage with.
Now, with him texting me that he would marry me without a second thought, messes with my brain.
So, I put up my wall. My only shield from getting hurt again. The wall that is totally against who I normally am as a person. The wall that allows me to say heartless things like I don't care.
I tell him that his dream is just that, a dream, and that we will never be together again.
He then texts me that he is in a bad place and that he just needs me to text him.
I tell him I can't be that person for him.
I felt horrible for saying it.
I'm that person that needs to fix everyone and their problems.
He knows that. He was playing the cards that he thought for sure would illicit a positive, continuous response from me.
I'm trying to do what's right for me.
Getting sucked back into drama is not what's best for me.
Spencer was drama.
I didn't realize it when I was dating him because his drama kept me busy.
It kept me in that "fixing" role all the time, but in the end, I realized I couldn't fix the drama when he was the one purposefully causing it.
So... in attempting to do what's best for me... I am now rating myself drama-free.
Surfing Sunday 07.15
5 days ago