Friday, November 21, 2014

Crossroads

I can feel it.
I can feel myself pulling away.
I don't know why... we had such a great weekend last weekend.
But I feel it.
It's the instinct that I have where I know if I go much further, I'm gonna get hurt... or someone's gonna get hurt...
... and so my walls start to go up and I want to run.

And I begin to question why I wasn't worth fighting for in my marriage...
and if I wasn't worth fighting for then, am I worth fighting for now?

I don't feel like I have that kind of fight in me anymore.
I used to be so strong in believing that good always won out.
But it doesn't.
And I don't believe that any more.

I believe there are good stents.
And you hang on to them as long as you can...
But they will end.
And when they do someone will get hurt.

So that is why I put up my walls and run...
Because the pain from running is a lot less than the pain from staying... and not being worth fighting for.
Or at least that is what I have convinced myself.

So... here I am, standing at the crossroads trying to decide a path of whether to stay or run.

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