FEAR - A dark room where negatives develop

I have realized that the reason I let DP go was because of the love I have for myself... or maybe I would be better in saying the LACK of love I have for myself.

You see... When a guy is nice to me, I automatically think, "What's he want?"
I knew DP.
I knew he didn't want anything from me... except love, friendship, companionship... the "right" things to want out of a relationship.
But see... the thing is... when he did nice things for me... I kept waiting for the ball to drop.  For him to figure out that I wasn't worth it.  Every time he would do something nice, I would point out a fault of mine.

Destructive?
Sure.

But I am used to destructive relationships.
I'm used to the guy telling me what's wrong with me.
I'm used to not being "good" enough.
I'm used to chasing... and chasing... and chasing... getting a temporary relationship... and then losing.

So with DP, I didn't chase.
Not once.
I was nonchalant about everything.
The few times I lost myself in the moment, I quickly reeled myself back in.
Reminding myself that things if I let go, things would go wrong... Things had gone wrong TOO many times for me...  I couldn't let things go wrong.
I began to tell myself that things between us weren't right.
It was easier that way.

It wasn't us though.
It was me.

I was fearful of losing it all.
So instead of taking the chance of losing it later, I threw it away.

I was at least honest to DP about that when I broke up..
I told him it wasn't him; it was me.
That he deserved better than me.
The sad thing is... I believe(d) it.

That was probably the most honest thing I have done in a while.
Now to start being honest with myself... to find that person that DP felt was worth loving... and start loving her.

Things to be thankful for - Friday Confessional

I confess... that while everyone else in the school hates the 2 days before Thanksgiving, I love them!!  Every year I do a pilgrim simulation and I wish my kids would be that engaged all the time. (It's a lot of talking and a LOT of work... but it's worth it!)

I confess... when Colby came home on Monday and said he needed to be a pilgrim by tomorrow, I wasn't really happy...  But I am happy about how his outfit turned out.

I confess... that I'm excited that my brother and his wife are having a little boy because now they will have one of each...  But deep down I was hoping for another little girl. (Man... I love my niece!!)

I confess... it makes me a little sad when Sam asks "How soon are you gonna take us to dad's?" Just because his dad's house provides a dog, a fort, and video games.  My love and random fun can't compete.

I confess... that when I had a friend challenge me to grow my hair out at the end of the school year, I thought, Hey no biggie!" I mean I was cutting it about once every 3 weeks.  But it has taken a LOT longer to grow out than I thought!!  Here's some progression pics for ya from May to Nov:

I confess... I really want to put my tree up and be done with the mess but I know I should wait until the boys come back from their dad's.

I confess... being back out into the dating scene again (and not being in a relationship) sucks!  I forgot how much I don't care for meeting people who don't "know" me.

I confess... helping to counsel my brother through a fight with his new bride (this was their first holiday as a married couple) has taught me that maybe I do know a lot about relationships.

I confess... having a 2nd Thanksgiving with my bestie and people from school who didn't have anywhere else to go turned out better than I thought it would.

I'm NOT a Turkey project

My students finished their scary stories just in time for me to start a "I'm NOT a turkey!" project this year.  It was the first time I had done it and they turned out SOOO stinkin' cute!

We read the book A Plump and Perky Turkey.

Then I sent a blank template home with them and told them that they needed to dress their turkey up in a disguise so that it wouldn't get eaten for Thanksgiving.

Here's some of the ones my students brought back:

baseball player

Groucho Marx

Little Red Riding Hood

A farmer

A cheerleader

A cat

A king

Jewelry 

A lamb

A pile of leaves

A gypsy

Mario

A business man

A clown

A mermaid

Then I had them write speech bubbles like they were talking to the farmer explaining (persuading) the farmer as to why they were definitely  NOT a turkey!  If you would like the template or the letter I sent home, don't hesitate to email me! If I have time later, I will add by each what my students wrote.

My heart is breaking.

I tell my students that once they are my student, they are always my student.
(I'm normally telling this to a former student who is misbehaving... but I regress...)

See... kids they have this sneaky little way of worming into your heart whether you know it or not.
And even when they grow up and move on... you still wonder... and worry about them.
Yeah... even the tough ones like I had last year.

So when my school counselor came to me today... my heart wasn't ready for bad news.
I couldn't have known that "one of mine" was getting ready to head down a scary road... okay, a different scary road than she was already on.

You see... one of my previous student's parents were finally busted for drugs.

Her and her siblings were picked up today to be sent off to foster homes.
We have been informed that they will not be placed together.
I know this isn't the first time this has happened in the world.
It's just the first time it has happened to one of mine.
...And I'm sad there's nothing I can do.

I am am island surrounded by shark infested waters - Post It Note Tuesday

I give them what they need and they repay the favor

A little girl in my class was in a car wreck.
Her dad's car hydroplaned and rolled twice.
The car is totaled.
Amazingly enough, everyone in the car walked away with nothing but bumps and bruises.

Her dad asked me to keep a close watch on her and to have her talk to the counselor if needed.
I left our counselor a message and she said she would be in meetings all day tomorrow and Monday, but she could talk to her on Tuesday.
I didn't/don't feel like that's soon enough.
So, I keep "checking in" with her... asking her if she is okay... if there is anything I can do.

Today, as she got ready to leave, I asked her again.
"Here at school, I'm fine.  It's when I know I have to get into a car that I get scared."
Without hesitation, I told her I understood... that my mom was killed in a car wreck and that it was hard for me to get into a car after it happened. Her eyes widened and shock came across her face.
I then quickly hugged her, smiled, and said, "That's why I'm so glad that you walked away from your car wreck okay with only some bumps and bruises."

Thinking back... that probably was too much information for this scared little girl.  But I was speaking from the heart. I wanted her to know that I really did care... and really did understand her fears.

With the last student out of the room,  I turned to close my door.  Suddenly, I had a little blond head at my waist.  Arms wrapped around me. "I'm sorry." I heard muffled from the little face pressed against me.

I pulled her back... another little girl from my class.
"What sweetheart?"
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"I'm sorry about your Momma."
and with a quick hug she was gone as quickly as she came.

And that my friends, is why I give my all to what I do.

He was the perfect guy... just not the perfect guy for me

I broke up with D.P. tonight.
It was harder to do than I thought.
I have been building myself up to have the courage to do it for a while now.


I thought it would be easy.
I've been divorced since July 2008.
The last major relationship I was in ended in Feb. 2010.
I'm used to being alone.

The thing is throughout this time with DP... I have gotten used to having someone there to listen to my thoughts.
To give advice to and get advice from.
To check in and say, "Hey! How was your day?"
To get it.

That's why it took so long.. for me to make my decision.
It was a selfish thing on my part.
I didn't want to give that up.
The attentiveness.


I talked with friends and family for advice.
Just be honest
is what kept ringing clear over and over and over again.

So I was.
I told him how great of a guy he was and how I want us to still be friends, but that it wasn't going to work out between us.
His happy-go-lucky well spoken voice went low and he stumbled over his words.
He said he appreciated my honesty.

I'm glad I did finally told him how I was feeling... so why do I feel like crap??

Kindness!!!... because you never know the battles others are fighting

Colby had been having a girl pick on him in the lunch room.

I called him last night to find out what happened.

He told me that A stole his note like always... but to her surprise the note was for her.

She asked him if he had written the note.

"Nope. My mom did."

She told him that she loved it!

That her mom and dad had been having lots of problems lately.

That she was sad... and scared. 

Then she told him, "I love it when you spend the night at your mom's house!"

Yeah...  I think Colby's lunch is going to have an extra note in it for a while...

Standing on my own two feet - Friday Confessionals

I confess... Too much sugar in the kids and not enough sleep in me has made for a long week.

I confess... that I haven't been falling asleep before 1 am most nights.

I confess... that even when I am in bed ready to sleep, my brain won't shut off.

I confess... that I know a little of this has to do with school... and a lot to do with where D.P. and I stand.

I confess... that I wish I was having Thanksgiving at my house because I have already heard of some teachers at school that don't have anywhere to go... and that is what I grew up knowing Thanksgiving was... taking in everyone.

I confess... seeing my family and friends with babies makes me want to have one.

I confess... I don't think I could take on a newborn right now.  I'm TOO tired!

I confess... that I stood up to my group at school.  I think everything I said fell on deaf ears, but I did it!!

I confess... my principal told me she knew I could do it and to "Stay Strong!"

I confess... I have had lots of people tell me that this week.

I confess... not having anyone to lean/rely on this year has made me more confident.

I confess... I have been teaching for 11 years... and some days I feel like a newbie.

I confess... that after standing up for myself this week, I don't feel so green.

I confess... I signed up for a student teacher.

I confess... I hope my principal sees me standing on my own two feet and gives me one!!

Kill 'em with kindness

So this evening, I start to make the boys' lunches for tomorrow.
I normally start by writing them a note telling them how much I love them.
A lot of times,  I will find a sticker and write a funny little note that goes with the sticker, just to make the boys smile.

So, as I'm doing this tonight, Colby says to me,  "Mom, could you not put notes in my lunch anymore."


I knew this day would come eventually.
A little piece in me died.
I thought for sure I could continue on for at least another year.

So I looked at Colby, smiled, and said, "Why?  Don't you like my notes?"


Without any warning, Colby burst into tears.
I so was not expecting that!!
I mean, Colby is a tender soul like me... but I didn't expect him to get upset over the notes like this... so I knew there was more to this.


After a few minutes of comforting him, I asked him what was up.
He told me that girl at lunch made fun of his notes every day.
My immediate reaction was momma bulldog!! - No body is gonna hurt my baby!!!
But I knew that would do no good.

I told him to sit away from her.
He couldn't... they have a seating order.

I asked if he could ignore her.
He had tried... but she always grabs his note out of his lunch without his permission.

So... then I suggested a different approach...
What if I wrote her a note? and put it where his note normally was?
(I didn't want to do it if Colby wasn't going to be okay with it.)

This peaked his interest.

I told him I could  write her "Dear A, Leave Colby alone or I will call your Momma!!"
OR
I could write, "Dear A, I hope you have a great day!  Love, Colby's mom"

Colby started laughing.
"Why would you write 'Love', mom??"


I then told Colby that maybe this little girl did this because she was jealous... because she didn't have someone sending notes telling her that they loved her...

He agreed.
Sending the second note would be best.

I then told him that I would hide his note under all of his food so he could read it in private when she wasn't around.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow's lunch goes smoothly.

Don't kiss and tell -OR- What he doesn't know is that women will be getting their way with him the rest of his life if he keeps this up

I've got a little gem in my room this year.
We'll call him Peter.

Peter is very much like my son, Sam.
Very strong willed.
Likes to be in charge.

The problem is... with Peter... (and Sam) is that even though they are so strong willed, they are still followers.

This morning, I hear repeatedly from my other students that Peter got in trouble in the cafeteria at breakfast.

So after Peter entered my room, I called him over.

"What did you do?" I asked raising my eyebrow at him.
The corner of his mouth curls (like it always does when he knows he has done something wrong, yet he is proud.)
"I kissed a girl."


"What!!?? Don't you know that isn't allowed in third grade?"


"Yeah... but she has asked me every day for the past 2 weeks to be her boyfriend. She made me! ...I couldn't tell her 'No' another day... So I kissed her."


I gave him a lecture about peer pressure.

But inside, I muffled my laughter and my thoughts about how women have a lot of good things coming their way in the future... because we all know he wasn't listening to my lecture.

Putting creativity to work

So... I made my boys' Halloween costumes this year.

I couldn't justify spending 25 bucks a pop for each kid only for them to be wadded in the corner of their closets afterwards never to be worn again.

Also, That's what I loved about Halloween as a kid... being creative and figuring out what we could make and become.

I didn't realize how much I missed doing that...

So when I asked the boys what they wanted to be, I knew I could easily make their choices.

Needless to say, These costumes brought the little hams out...