When it all becomes worthwhile

I struggled this summer not really taking a break...
I taught summer school, I tutored a little girl that was heading into first grade (her mom was worried she was behind in the reading), and I took master's classes.

I knew with all of this going on I really couldn't leave town for a vacation... I might have complained (just a little).

I like it when this come into focus... and this crazy summer finally has for me.

First off - Normally, I use my summer school earnings to pay for our vacation.
This year, my air conditioner decided to completely die... due to us not going anywhere, I had the cash on hand to pay for it - Sure, a new air conditioner is not as fun as a vacation, but I wouldn't trade my cool house right now for 2 weeks of fun.

Secondly, I got a text from the little girl's mom this week...
She said, "G. said today that they pulled each kid out of the room to test them on their Kindergarten and 1st grade sight words.  G. knew most of them and she was super proud of herself! When the testing was over the teacher came over and told G. that she was one of the top kids to know her sight words. Very, very thankful for your time spent with her this summer!

Thirdly, I realized that I am half way through my master's program!!!  In a year from now, I will be completely done!

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that good things are coming...

Just what the doctor ordered

Okay.  So I realize I have been in a funk...
But I laughed SO hard today!

To start off, my class (that I absolutely adore) gave some of the best answers to the questions I was asking!  They are so quick witted and I love that I can laugh and joke with them!

Then this evening, I hung out with a friend.
We laughed and joked and carried on.

I think that is what my body/mind/soul needed.
I needed to have that type of belly laugh where you can't breathe.
I needed to remember what it was like to be around people that get my crazy sense of humor and play off it.
Yes...

It truly is.

The worst place to be

She walked into the room that was filled with friends.
The laughter engulfed her ears.
The familiarity should be there.
She should feel comfortable...
...but she didn't.

She was surrounded by couples.
She was the only single.
A role she should be okay with by now...
But, for some reason... today, it hit her wrong.

She was expected to sit..
Her safe place (with her children) was not available - they were by their friends.

As her head swirled, she tried to not look indecisive... alone.
But that is what she was... alone, in a room full of people.

Eyes are the window to your soul - RIP Robin Williams

I don't normally get caught up in the world of celebrities...  I feel bad for their families, but I don't have a heartfelt connection to them.

Robin Williams was different for me.
Mork and Mindy was one of the first tv shows I remember watching.
I watched it religiously.
I'm not sure I really understood the plot line at the time (I was 7 when the show ended), but I do remember his eyes...
They were like wells that ran deep.
I would sit mesmerized by them.
I honestly didn't know there were eyes that blue in the world.

As years past, I remember a movie coming out with him in it and I told one of my friends "I want to see that movie because Robin Williams plays in it!!
Their response was "Who?"
I shook my head because I knew I couldn't explain the entity of him if they didn't already know.

I know it sounds strange, but I feel like he was looking off the screen straight at me and, in turn,  I could see into his deep being through those eyes of his.

I loved how they sparkled even when he was playing a scene that was sad.
I guess that's what saddens me the most... that in those sparkling eyes that connected to me like no other actor ever has... he, himself, was so very lonely.

He will be sorely missed...

I'm normally ready

Normally by this time of summer I have had my fill of fun.
I have stayed up WAY too late and slept in.
I have traveled and felt like I actually had time with my boys.
And, normally, I'm ready for school to start.

But this summer, I taught summer school ... and tutored... and took master's classes.
I know in the long run this is a good thing...
but here we are, at the time I should be heading into my classroom to get everything ready...
and I'm not ready.

Girls Weekend 2014

This is the first Girls' Weekend without Kel M.
I wasn't sure how it was going to go.
In fact, right before we left, I was willing to back out.

We decided to go to Eureka Springs (even though the boys and I had just been there)... Kel M. had always mentioned wanting to go there and it just had never happened.

We stayed at the Pointe West Motel on Beaver Lake.  Even though the rooms were nothing to call home about, we got to witness this daily.

Our girls' weekend normally consist of us sitting by the pool. napping, and then going out on the town.  Again, I wasn't sure how things would be...

So we started out with what we knew... the pool.

And, of course, laughter ensued... 

I'm pretty sure the hammock sank ALL the way to the ground!! 

But that has never stopped us.

We laid out by the pool and napped the afternoon away.

By the time we were ready to head into town, the sun was setting again.

We didn't realize that Eureka was a town that went to bed early (unless it is the weekend).

So we found ONE store open.

We were just being casual browsers, 

when the sales manager came and asked if we needed help...

...Or some pie.

We picked pie.

Seriously... He gave us pie!! LOL

We then hung out with him for the next hour.
(Kel M. would have loved that!!)

The next day we went for pizza and massages.

That night we headed out on the town to celebrate our friend Kel.

We cheers to her life and her laughter and our friendship and our loss.

And somehow, with puffy eyes and tear stains...

I guess I still have it...

Cause on our way out, a guy stopped me and asked where we were going...

because he had shots in hand that he had just bought us...

and he said, "Because you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen."

Yep.  Kel would be proud that I haven't lost my touch 

of getting the whole group a free drink without even trying. ;)

I may have the last name as them... But...

I don't know why I have struggled so much this summer.
Maybe it's because my ex is having a baby...
Maybe it's because I don't know my place or role anymore...
You see...
My boys have gone on a 2 week family vacation with my ex and his WHOLE family.
Vacations I used to go on.
Places I used to go to.
Family I used to see.

And even though R's family has been tremendous to not exclude me in most things, the truth is I'm an outsider... and will forever more be an outsider.

I have no desire to be back with R.  Please don't think that.
I just miss that I'm missing out on adventures and family time... with a family that I dearly love.